Addict2Hope

I have cut all the ties between my 3 year old daughter and her father for over 3 months now. I figured out that the relationship they had was purely because I called/email/texted/made plans for us to get together. When I stopped attempting he never even contacted us. Then his mother came to town and guess who called wanting to play "happy family". I stood my ground. I told him no and took it upon myself to talk to his mother whom I have a WONDERFUL relationship with. I let her know what was going on and it was all too familiar to her. Addiction is no secret...the lies, stealing and disappearing act have been around longer than his daughter and I have! She supports me completely in my quest to better my life and distance ourselves from our Addict!

But...I believe I enable his mother and myself for that matter. Our hope that he will "wake up" "straighten up" "Be a FATHER" is always there no matter how much we accept his addiction. We keep doing little (well BIG) things to get him out of trouble.
I dont think either of us can stand the thought of this beautiful little girls daddy being hungry, homeless or left alone mentally breaking down somewhere.
Am I using the hope for my daughter to have a father as an excuse to keep from completely be detached? Where are the lines with things like this?
I cant find the words to explain the feeling of this addiction to hope I have.

I seek advice.

LoveMeNow

Sadly, the only way for your beautiful daughter to have her Daddy back is if/when he hits his bottom...Even if that means for him - being hungry, homeless or left alone mentally breaking down somewhere.

It's always so wonderful to see a loving mother put her child first. Great job!!

Windmills

It's not a crime to keep some faith. As long as its not ruling your life or negatively influencing your decisions, I personally don't see a problem in holding out hope that one day he will find recovery.
Unfortunately being hungry and homeless are direct consequences of being actively addicted and in all probability he will end up there at some point While you're doing things to 'keep him out of trouble', you're stopping him from feeling the consequences of his actions. Why would he ever want or need to consider changing when he's got you and his mother fixing it every time he creates a problem for himself? He's got no reason to do anything differentlly because he's not even feeling the effects of his own bad decisions.

dollydo

"Am I using the hope for my daughter to have a father as an excuse to keep from completely be detached?"

It would sound like that is true. Enabling NEVER helps an addict and he will NEVER be a father while in the throws of addiction.

He has no hope to embrace recovery as long as you and his mother keep resucing him. Not my rules, just how it works.

kmangel

Instead of doing for your husband (getting him out of the messes he creates) pray for your husband. Let what ever will happen due to his choices to use and abuse drugs happen to him, not you and his mother. There are always consequences in this life. Someone will have to pay the piper at some point in time. Make sure the right person is paying the consequences or there will be no teachable moments for the person creating the messes. You hope for your husband to become the man he could be yet you and his mother are delaying the process when you and his mother step in.

Pray for yourself and your child. Pray that you can see the truth of your situation--what you are really doing when you enable your husband. Focus your energies on getting yourself healthy and well grounded. Don't look too far forward. Today is all we have in this life so make the best of today. There is plenty to occupy our minds with for today. Go do what is right for today. If you don't know what is right for today, keep reading and educating yourself and attend meetings for people of addicts/alcoholics.