First time poster: AS got car title loan; repo imminent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
First time poster: AS got car title loan; repo imminent
I have been reading posts on this forum for the past several weeks. I wish I had found this site earlier.
In a nutshell:
My 27 year old AS has been a marijuana addict since he was 14. He has had fits and starts of being sober, but overall his life has been a train wreck. Without going into the sordid details, he does not believe he has any kind of problem, either with drugs or with his mental health. The world is the problem. This kind of thinking carries on despite his having an (estranged) wife and a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter (who is loved and cared for well by his estranged wife).
His father replaced his junked out Jeep with a used car in May so he could "start school" in August. Truly, he has no plans to go to school. This was another stalling tactic. Also, he has not worked since January.
I have found out that he got a car title loan on the car earlier this month and has now missed the 2nd payment. The loan sharks called his wife yesterday and informed her he will lose the car. They couldn't reach him on his cell to work anything out. He called me Wed (we have basically been out of touch all year) telling me he got a job and was going to start today. He seemed excited about the job, but in my heart I wonder if that information was even true.
Well, I backslid into my old codependent/enabling behaviors (I haven't given him money in over a year) and called the company offering to pay two payments.
He won't answer my calls or emails telling him "my" plan to help. So, I told him unless I heard from him by noon Tuesday I could assume my offer was not needed. The loan shark agreed to hold off on repo until Tuesday.
Basically, I am alternately mad at myself for the enabling offer and also worried (again) that this time he may be holed up on another drug binge or even dead.
My question (to which I know the answer in my head) is should I just let the car be repossessed since I am only prolonging the inevitable: jail, on the streets, or death.
My heart goes out to all of you who have addicted children. This truly has been the grief of my life.
Peace and Grace.
In a nutshell:
My 27 year old AS has been a marijuana addict since he was 14. He has had fits and starts of being sober, but overall his life has been a train wreck. Without going into the sordid details, he does not believe he has any kind of problem, either with drugs or with his mental health. The world is the problem. This kind of thinking carries on despite his having an (estranged) wife and a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter (who is loved and cared for well by his estranged wife).
His father replaced his junked out Jeep with a used car in May so he could "start school" in August. Truly, he has no plans to go to school. This was another stalling tactic. Also, he has not worked since January.
I have found out that he got a car title loan on the car earlier this month and has now missed the 2nd payment. The loan sharks called his wife yesterday and informed her he will lose the car. They couldn't reach him on his cell to work anything out. He called me Wed (we have basically been out of touch all year) telling me he got a job and was going to start today. He seemed excited about the job, but in my heart I wonder if that information was even true.
Well, I backslid into my old codependent/enabling behaviors (I haven't given him money in over a year) and called the company offering to pay two payments.
He won't answer my calls or emails telling him "my" plan to help. So, I told him unless I heard from him by noon Tuesday I could assume my offer was not needed. The loan shark agreed to hold off on repo until Tuesday.
Basically, I am alternately mad at myself for the enabling offer and also worried (again) that this time he may be holed up on another drug binge or even dead.
My question (to which I know the answer in my head) is should I just let the car be repossessed since I am only prolonging the inevitable: jail, on the streets, or death.
My heart goes out to all of you who have addicted children. This truly has been the grief of my life.
Peace and Grace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
LoveMeNot, you are indeed wise. Yes, the title is in his name so noone else will be hurt by his stupidity.
My granddaughter is the number one focus now. We pay for her preschool and help out with a car so her mother can continue her education to become a nurse.
My granddaughter is the number one focus now. We pay for her preschool and help out with a car so her mother can continue her education to become a nurse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I remember the "what will he do without a car" scenario very well when discussing with my husband the possibility of our son not having a car. "He wont be able to get to work and will lose his job". Well, our son has no car now. I came to my senses and demanded the keys back (the car is in our name, not our son's). The car was a gift to him before we realized he was a drug addict. Now he has no car but manages very well without one. He has the bus schedule downloaded to his phone.
I get phone calls from collection agents but I don't talk to them. I don't give them any information about my son--his phone number or address. I am staying out of his business and they can find him some other way than through me. It is part of the legacy of drug addiction--debt--and the phone calls that accompany the debt. My elder son has received calls for collectors looking for his younger brother, too. I told him to ignore the calls, also--and to not tell me if they call him. I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned.
Collection agents will get their money any which way they can. They will feed on our fear to entice us to "help" our kids not go to jail--that someone will be coming to haul them away at any moment unless the debt is resolved. I didn't fall for it though it was unnerving to hear at the time. I've since learned not to talk to anyone looking for my son that I suspect is a debt collector.
I get phone calls from collection agents but I don't talk to them. I don't give them any information about my son--his phone number or address. I am staying out of his business and they can find him some other way than through me. It is part of the legacy of drug addiction--debt--and the phone calls that accompany the debt. My elder son has received calls for collectors looking for his younger brother, too. I told him to ignore the calls, also--and to not tell me if they call him. I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss as far as I am concerned.
Collection agents will get their money any which way they can. They will feed on our fear to entice us to "help" our kids not go to jail--that someone will be coming to haul them away at any moment unless the debt is resolved. I didn't fall for it though it was unnerving to hear at the time. I've since learned not to talk to anyone looking for my son that I suspect is a debt collector.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by peaceandgrace 
LoveMeNot, you are indeed wise. Yes, the title is in his name so noone else will be hurt by his stupidity.
My granddaughter is the number one focus now. We pay for her preschool and help out with a car so her mother can continue her education to become a nurse.
My granddaughter is the number one focus now. We pay for her preschool and help out with a car so her mother can continue her education to become a nurse.
Glad to hear you are a loving grandmother!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
crazybabie and kmangel, thank you for your wake up words of wisdom. I have the "but what will he do without a car?" in my mind. Well, clearly I cannot worry about that issue more than he can!
I have rescued him far too often, and his dad (my ex) even more often. Neither of us has let him fully feel the results of his actions.
My granddaughter, my granddaughter. My mantra:-)
I have rescued him far too often, and his dad (my ex) even more often. Neither of us has let him fully feel the results of his actions.
My granddaughter, my granddaughter. My mantra:-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Oh no no no, I was probably one of the dumbest codependent poster's on SR. When the ship went down, I went down with it. I may be very water logged but I am still breathing so for that I am thankful!
Truly, everyone, I am so blessed to have reached out to y'all. This has been a LONG TIME coming.
I want my ship fully intact. Yes, I'm a grandmother. I have a loving wonderful partner. A gracious church home. And everything to live for
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 3
I guess, this is where I also confess I enable the wonderful hopeful PeaceandGrace in her ventures in hoping to help him.
I am addicted to hope in the fact he will not take the help he is given for granted and maybe turn it into something worthy of his daughter getting to be apart of.
I keep praying I will just find peace in this mess through the fact my daughter is healthy, happy with loving people all around her. But I know what a dad means to a daughter and its the addiction to the hope she will have him some day that keeps me from COMPLETELY letting go.
I want to know he is alive, not hungry, nor homeless or going slowly insane completely alone.
I have accepted most everything but I cant lose hope for my daughter to have a father one day!
So I help feed the enabling of this wonderful hopeful PeaceandGrace!!
What do I do?!
I am addicted to hope in the fact he will not take the help he is given for granted and maybe turn it into something worthy of his daughter getting to be apart of.
I keep praying I will just find peace in this mess through the fact my daughter is healthy, happy with loving people all around her. But I know what a dad means to a daughter and its the addiction to the hope she will have him some day that keeps me from COMPLETELY letting go.
I want to know he is alive, not hungry, nor homeless or going slowly insane completely alone.
I have accepted most everything but I cant lose hope for my daughter to have a father one day!
So I help feed the enabling of this wonderful hopeful PeaceandGrace!!
What do I do?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Addict2Hope, as it is right now, your daughter does not have the father she deserves.
Miracles do happen, though.
Maybe he will hit rock bottom and realize that he needs help.
I know I have held on to the belief that a child needs her father.
But, a child does not need a father who will put her in danger, who will neglect her and let her down nor does a child need a father who puts drugs before her.
Parents can and do come back into their children's lives. As a teacher, I see this often. And that gives me much peace and hope. But, we have no control over the if/how/when of that return.
I don't know for sure what someone tells a child about an absent addicted parent. The truth in a kind loving way? That would be my choice. "Daddy is sick. Drugs make him sick and he can't be a Daddy right now."
Rejoice that your daughter is so very very loved. When the time comes for her to know why Daddy isn't around, you will know what to do. And, you will find kind compassionate people to help you on this path.
Miracles do happen, though.
Maybe he will hit rock bottom and realize that he needs help.
I know I have held on to the belief that a child needs her father.
But, a child does not need a father who will put her in danger, who will neglect her and let her down nor does a child need a father who puts drugs before her.
Parents can and do come back into their children's lives. As a teacher, I see this often. And that gives me much peace and hope. But, we have no control over the if/how/when of that return.
I don't know for sure what someone tells a child about an absent addicted parent. The truth in a kind loving way? That would be my choice. "Daddy is sick. Drugs make him sick and he can't be a Daddy right now."
Rejoice that your daughter is so very very loved. When the time comes for her to know why Daddy isn't around, you will know what to do. And, you will find kind compassionate people to help you on this path.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Peace, let the car go... My son lost his car when it "died" when he was at court in 2011. I didn't want to do one more thing to enable his addictions. Your son is 27, he can figure this out for himself.
We all understand and if you have been reading, you know your situation is no way unique. We all wish, pray and would give a limb if it meant our children would just "get it". You owe nothing to your son as it relates to the car. He used it do pay for his high and if you try and fix this it becomes one more thing you will hold on to for his ultimate "relevation". Please make sure you read tons of the stickies so you know what is happening with your son and your relationship.
Hugs and welcoming thoughts to you,
Teresa
We all understand and if you have been reading, you know your situation is no way unique. We all wish, pray and would give a limb if it meant our children would just "get it". You owe nothing to your son as it relates to the car. He used it do pay for his high and if you try and fix this it becomes one more thing you will hold on to for his ultimate "relevation". Please make sure you read tons of the stickies so you know what is happening with your son and your relationship.
Hugs and welcoming thoughts to you,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
You may bail your son out in the moment but there are other moments yet around the corner. Eventually you'll catch on and realize the life your son chooses to live is of his own making. All your best intentions fall on deaf ears if your son is not willing to tackle his issues himself.
My son seems to be doing better now. He has a lot of things on his plate but it's up to him to decide when and what he wants to work on regarding all the issues his addiction has caused in his life--not me and my husband. When he first came home after rehab I remember feeling badly for the mess he had made of his life and how overwhelming it all felt to me then. Fortunately I came to realize that his life is not my life to live and I let it go.
About the school situation, my husband promised our son that he would help him go to graduate school now he is back living near us. So far that hasn't happened and personally I think graduate school is something our son must arrange on his own. I think graduate school is my husband's dream for our son. It may happen at some point in time, but I want our son to be the one to get it all set in motion and then we participate in some way after the fact. Otherwise it is a bribe to get our son to do something useful with his life--and bribes always back fire.
My son seems to be doing better now. He has a lot of things on his plate but it's up to him to decide when and what he wants to work on regarding all the issues his addiction has caused in his life--not me and my husband. When he first came home after rehab I remember feeling badly for the mess he had made of his life and how overwhelming it all felt to me then. Fortunately I came to realize that his life is not my life to live and I let it go.
About the school situation, my husband promised our son that he would help him go to graduate school now he is back living near us. So far that hasn't happened and personally I think graduate school is something our son must arrange on his own. I think graduate school is my husband's dream for our son. It may happen at some point in time, but I want our son to be the one to get it all set in motion and then we participate in some way after the fact. Otherwise it is a bribe to get our son to do something useful with his life--and bribes always back fire.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Thank you, Ilovemyson. As I have poured over the posts on this wonderful forum, I see the same themes and stories over and over again. They help me on this rutted road. It is time to revisit the stickies.
I feel like the my pilot light has finally been lit!
I feel like the my pilot light has finally been lit!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
kmangel, thank you. True indeed that I may bail him out this time, but I get a knot inside knowing that it will be just one more unappreciated and ultimately useless life line thrown.
I am working hard on internalizing the reality that he has chosen this life and I cannot control that choice. Yes, I clearly project as does anyone with an addicted family member/beloved other. Why wouldn't he/she want his/her family? A safe home with food on the table? Friends to love? An education? A loving partner? Well, well. Those are what I want.
As for the education, I appreciate your insight into it being a bribe for your son to do something useful with his life. My AS's father wants him so badly to have an education (for all the right reasons), but my AS has repeatedly stated and shown this isn't what he wants.
Maybe the most loving thing I can do now is to really HEAR and BELIEVE that my AS is doing what he wants to be doing right now. Holed up doing drugs is no life, but it is his choice. What a sad realization.
I am working hard on internalizing the reality that he has chosen this life and I cannot control that choice. Yes, I clearly project as does anyone with an addicted family member/beloved other. Why wouldn't he/she want his/her family? A safe home with food on the table? Friends to love? An education? A loving partner? Well, well. Those are what I want.
As for the education, I appreciate your insight into it being a bribe for your son to do something useful with his life. My AS's father wants him so badly to have an education (for all the right reasons), but my AS has repeatedly stated and shown this isn't what he wants.
Maybe the most loving thing I can do now is to really HEAR and BELIEVE that my AS is doing what he wants to be doing right now. Holed up doing drugs is no life, but it is his choice. What a sad realization.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi peaceandgrace & welcome to SR. I am also a Mother of a grown addict son. I have been through the scenario with the car payments & repossessions many times. It has always ended the same way, no matter what part or no part that his Dad & I have played in it. Finally after all of these years of addiction, our son paid for a pickup truck with his income tax money & then the next year paid for his wife a nice car with their income tax money. I felt that finally I could breathe easily that he would have a vehicle that would not be repoed. I was so shocked when the day did come that he called to say that it was repoed. How could that be? Well, of course, it turns out that he finally borrowed against it & then he borrowed against his wife's car too. So he lost it when he again lost his job. So his wife now has a job to pay for hers because he never has gotten a job again yet, and she doesn't want to lose it. So I will tell you that if you pay his payment, you will definitely be throwing your money into the wind. I'm really sorry about what your going through. It is pure horror & unbelievably hurtful. Keep coming back. We truly understand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Nina Kay, thank you for the fast forward on car repos. Horror is the right word choice.
I think I need to focus on the serenity prayer I pray every morning. Sometimes, slow learner that I am, I just say the words. Now it's time I LISTENED to the words.
I pray for you and your son also. How sad that his wife has to suffer also.
I think I need to focus on the serenity prayer I pray every morning. Sometimes, slow learner that I am, I just say the words. Now it's time I LISTENED to the words.
I pray for you and your son also. How sad that his wife has to suffer also.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
My son's car was impounded a few months ago. He hit me with four different and very manipulative tactics to get his car out. I refused. His car was important to his addiction. It was his currency. It is what gave him value in the drug world. He could run drugs, make deliveries, etc. When he lost the car, he lost his currency.
Since that time.....he is surviving. I'm not sure how. He is homeless but he keeps landing on his feet with other enablers. And I have turned it all over to God. I don't trust the addict. But I do trust God and that is in whom my trust resides.
I saw him briefly last night. He looked good. He is living with a young couple here in town and working in a small shop (her father owns it). It is his first efforts at employment (legal) in four years. Losing the car has been the best catalyst in his efforts toward sobriety. I don't think he's sober (I dont know) at this point but he's gone to some meetings on his own and that is where he'll get the best opportunity to get sober.....among others who have walked his path. I simply don't interfere with his addiction or his recovery. I love him without judgement and without enabling. I see him very infrequently and I protect myself against his manipulations.
I share this because you stated that your son doesn't think he has a problem. That's because he doesn't. The addicts don't have a problem as long as we continue to fix their problems for them. We do have a problem because we keep doing the things we do as enablers and expect the addict to be grateful. And when they aren't grateful, we become resentful.
Letting the car go may finally help him realize that he has a problem.
gentle hugs
ke
PS - there's an Nar-Anon meeting very close to you if you're interested. It's across the bridge on Thursday nights at 7:00.
Since that time.....he is surviving. I'm not sure how. He is homeless but he keeps landing on his feet with other enablers. And I have turned it all over to God. I don't trust the addict. But I do trust God and that is in whom my trust resides.
I saw him briefly last night. He looked good. He is living with a young couple here in town and working in a small shop (her father owns it). It is his first efforts at employment (legal) in four years. Losing the car has been the best catalyst in his efforts toward sobriety. I don't think he's sober (I dont know) at this point but he's gone to some meetings on his own and that is where he'll get the best opportunity to get sober.....among others who have walked his path. I simply don't interfere with his addiction or his recovery. I love him without judgement and without enabling. I see him very infrequently and I protect myself against his manipulations.
I share this because you stated that your son doesn't think he has a problem. That's because he doesn't. The addicts don't have a problem as long as we continue to fix their problems for them. We do have a problem because we keep doing the things we do as enablers and expect the addict to be grateful. And when they aren't grateful, we become resentful.
Letting the car go may finally help him realize that he has a problem.
gentle hugs
ke
PS - there's an Nar-Anon meeting very close to you if you're interested. It's across the bridge on Thursday nights at 7:00.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by peaceandgrace
crazybabie and kmangel, thank you for your wake up words of wisdom. I have the "but what will he do without a car?" in my mind. Well, clearly I cannot worry about that issue more than he can! I have rescued him far too often, and his dad (my ex) even more often. Neither of us has let him fully feel the results of his actions.
My granddaughter, my granddaughter. My mantra:-)
My granddaughter, my granddaughter. My mantra:-)
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
We all understand and if you have been reading, you know your situation is no way unique. We all wish, pray and would give a limb if it meant our children would just "get it". You owe nothing to your son as it relates to the car. He used it do pay for his high and if you try and fix this it becomes one more thing you will hold on to for his ultimate "relevation".
Teresa
Teresa
I know when I finally stopped enabling, my biggest regret was also that I didn't stop much earlier.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
