PaperDolls

I have lots of friends who are sober (and happy and working a solid recovery program) who don't have cars or can't legally drive.

They are able to do what they need to do to get to work and to get to meetings and do all the other stuff they need to do. It's not easy, I know, but it is possible.

peaceandgrace

He doesn't think he has a problem. That's because he doesn't. The addicts don't have a problem as long as we continue to fix their problems for them. We do have a problem because we keep doing the things we do as enablers and expect the addict to be grateful. And when they aren't grateful, we become resentful.

Letting the car go may finally help him realize that he has a problem.

gentle hugs
ke



ke, wise words. I thank you. Every minute I feel like I am seeing with more and more clarity. I have the problem. The problem of being an enabler. It's actually quite freeing to say I AM AN ENABLER By saying it, I can work on fixing myself.

True indeed about feeling resentful about lack of gratitude. He is never gracious and thankful. To me, this is a spiritual abyss.

I suppose that is all part and parcel of being an addict- the loss of the core self that is spiritual. Grateful. Loving.

Thank you for the across the bridge meeting heads up. I need it.

peaceandgrace

Sunshine2, I cannot count how many "last times" there have been. This time around I just knew I would not cave and rescue him.

The loving and wise responses to my question have helped me tremendously in seeing that this is just another slide into the bottom for him. And, I can't be the temporary life buoy.

JMFburns

peaceandgrace,

Long story short - I once had 2 cars, but in the process of enabling my son I did a title loan on 1 (he promised he would make the payments) and I got a regular car loan on the other. My son posted both vehicles for sale on Craigslist without my knowledge and son & I were both sued in small claims court for the money my son took. Thankfully I was not found guilty . . . I retrieved both cars and turned them over to the title loan co. and the credit union . . . ah, good memories - NOT!

I am 52 years old, work FT, have no car and manage to get around just fine (not fun, but fine!) Good for you for posting and getting confirmation that letting your son handle his own problems is the right thing to do. Keep up the good work.

peaceandgrace

JMFBurns, thank you for the additional insight.

I have sent him an email stating him that I am releasing him to live his life as he wishes.

I appreciate everyone's honest responses that came from having been there/done that.

Peace!

kmangel

Stay strong. It's just like all the other issues in our lives--we only have power over our own issues. Let your son be in control of his issues and in time he may come around and want to do better--when his issues become uncomfortable enough for him to want something different.

peaceandgrace

I feel strong now. I just had a heart to heart with a teacher friend who had him as a student for 3 years and whose own son hit rock bottom and now functions. She has known of the struggles my son has had, and has no judgment, only love and understanding to offer.

For anyone else out there who is struggling with these issues, please find comfort in opening up and reaching out. Too often we feel shame: what did we do wrong? Couldn't we just LOVE them a little bit more? What if? Why would?

It's hard to hold onto our own sense of humanity when we have accepted blame , rage and abuse from our ALOs for so many years.

I am hugging myself right now. Along with eating a healthy snack of whole grain bread, organic peanut butter and honey. Oh, and an organic apple.