GardenMama

Home itself is a big trigger for most young users, especially if they were using while living with or in proximity to family. The more time he can spend away at outpatient, meetings, and working, the better. I learned through the grapevine that my RAD got a huge amount of support from folks at an NA meeting about the recovery benefits of living in a sober house as opposed to living at home. She wanted to live at home because it was "free" and convenient to her IOP location. The sober house with all of its rules seems to be a good thing for her at this time.

You have a lot to deal with, Kylie, and as much as you'd like and hope that he will rise to the ENORMOUS occasion of being a father, he's got a whole lot of work to do just to stay sober. Please take care of yourself and your needs, and think about your plan in the event he is not present, not connected. Make plans for your future and the baby's. That's all you have control over anyway. You are in my thoughts and prayers for clarity and comfort.

hello-kitty

I realize you are young and I am so glad that you found this website. You sound like a smart girl with a lot of potential so I hope you will keep your focus on being the best person you can be and being the best mother you can be and forget about trying to rely on a drug addict to be a good father. It's not going to happen. I speak from experience so I hope you can appreciate what I am saying.

Relying on a heroin addict to be a father for your child is like relying on a matchstick to hold up a building. Not a smart movie.

I have a child by myself. His father is an addict. Hasn't seen his son or even tried to contact him for a long long time. Was around for a while when he was a baby, but once I put my foot down about the drugs and lifestyle he was leading he was gone gone gone. Drugs and kids don't mix. Addicts cannot provide a good, stable life for babies.

Being a father is a right, not a priveledge. And just because a man is equipped to make babies, that doesn't exactly qualify him as daddy material.

Your child only has you to depend on. So do what's in the baby's best interest - not yours, not the father. If you plan for ending up having to raise the kid on your own, you won't be planning to fail or depending on someone who is incapable of thinking about anything except where the next needle stick is going to come from.

Bigham850

Hello Kylie, my girlfriend has been using heroin for over a year. She is on day 15 of a 28 day rehab program. I understand what you are going through as far as people who feel your pain. Her family has pretty much written her off while my family has been amazing. They have never dealt with addiction, but they are there for me when I need to vent, cry, complain, etc... I was hesitant to go to Nar-anon meetings because I am normally a very private person. 2 weeks ago I went to my first one, my second was last night. I wish I had gone sooner. The love and support is amazing there. I finally found people who truly understand what i am dealing with. I am no longer ALONE. Give it a shot, if you dont feel the same you dont have to go back. I have a feeling what you will find there is just what you need....The start of YOUR recovery. Good luck to you and your boyfriend......Ray

hello-kitty

Yikes! I meant being a father is a privelege, not a right. It takes a lot of work to be a good parent. Drug addicts work hard for one thing only - to feed their addiction.

kyles

Well, he didn't go today. I'm so mad at him!!! I know I shouldn't have expected too much, but I'm really disappointed. I figured even he'd at least go for a little bit, even if he did eventually stop going way too soon.

That's EXACTLY what he did. The day before he came home it was still, "I'm going to meet with them the day after I get home."

I just don't understand how he can be clean for 60 days and then jump right back into it. Well, I understand how. It's just so upsetting! It's like all of the time and effort he put in for nothing. I guess I won't be surprised since he did say he only went to please everyone else. Now he can say he went and did it, but now he can just do whatever he wants again. Ah, I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions and acting as if he actually is using again.

Before rehab, he shared an apartment with a roommate. The other guy wasn't an addict or anything, but he knew what was going on. His parents decided it wasn't a good idea for him to go back to living there when he came back, so they moved all of his stuff out and rented it to someone else (they were paying a lot of his bills, rent, etc., so they were also pretty pissed he was using his own money to buy drugs while they were paying his bills. So, now he's at his parents house. In a way, I think it'd be better for him to have gone back to his own place. I think it might be too stressful having his parents watch him constantly, which I know they will be. At the same time, I think his addiction really spun out of control when moved out because he could do whatever he wanted and could hide it from his parents.

Up until this point, it's been really hard for me to make any plans for the future for myself. I just sort of kept putting it off. I didn't want to prepare to be a single parent. I didn't want to admit that it could end up that way. I still can't, really. I feel so confused over what to do.


But isn't there hope that he will stay clean and be able to be a father? Should I just write him off? For good? For now? I don't know, it's just hard for me to accept that just because he has this problem he won't ever be able to be a father. He's such a good person when the drugs aren't in the picture.

tjp613

The reality is that LESS THAN 10% of heroin users get clean and stay clean for life. The relapse rate is extremely high, and the death rate among heroin users is 13x higher than those of their peers. Heroin is a BEAST.

The reality is that your boyfriend's chances of staying clean are very slim.

The reality is that you cannot rely on him being around for you or your baby.

The reality is that if you are planning to keep this baby and raise it, the chances are very, very good you will be doing it alone. Plan accordingly.

I'm sorry. But that's reality and it doesn't matter what you want or what you think should happen. The reality is in the statistics and in the multitude of stories you read here on SR.

Believe me, I look for hope for my heroin addicted son wherever I can find it. There is little to be found. My heart breaks every day.

kyles

When I say he could/can do whatever he wants, I simply mean using heroin, nothing else. In no way am I saying he shouldn't be allowed to make his own decisions. I'm just worried that he'll rationalize things by saying, "Well, I stuck out 60 days in rehab for all of you, so now I can do what I want again!" In the end, it doesn't matter if he's living with his parents or on his own, he'll use if he wants to. He has the right to live alone and do whatever he wants, and I realize that. He is allowed to choose how to live his life, including whether he wants to use or not. It's just upsetting knowing he could choose that.

kyles

I'm so thankful for everyone's support and responses! Sorry if I've missed anyone. I appreciate everything.

I wish you and your girlfriend a ton of luck. You're so lucky to have your family. My family tries to understand, but they're obviously very protective of me and have very strong opinions about the situation. I hope I can get the courage you have and go to Nar-anon. I thought some of my worry and anxiety would go away once he came home, but now it's just transformed into a different sort of worry. I used to mainly worry if he was lying dead somewhere. Now it's "is he going to use again?" If he uses again, will he do too much after being clean for 2 months and die as a result? I actually did find a Nar-anon group that meets about 10-15 minutes from my house, so I did locate them!

hello-kitty

I don't know what he's going to do. What I do know is it's completely up to him and right now he certainly isn't headed in that direction. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions.

He gets to decide when and if he ever gets clean and becomes a responsible partner for you and father for your child. But you cannot compete with heroin (you will never win).

All you can control is what you do with the rest of your life and the kind of environment your child grows up in. I suggest focusing on your own future and your own goals. What do you really want out of life, besides a heroin addict to quit using drugs?

kyles

Yeah, I've read the statistics over and over. They're so scary. They make me cry, so I just try to forget about them. I guess like most other things going on with him, I just can't accept them or admit that they're true. Part of me is still really stuck on, "not him" or "he's different." I know I shouldn't think that way, but I guess I do a lot more than I realized.


I know. And he if does start using again, I won't let him be around the baby.
Honestly, my own life has sort of been pushed to the side since all of this started happening. Most of my focus has been on him. I guess that's even sort of how I got pregnant, because if I was thinking straight it never would have happened. I plan to go to college next year, get a degree, a good job. My parents will only continue to support me and the baby if I go to college like already planned. I can barely even focus on school anymore though. His addiction has taken a huge toll on my life already. I feel like that's my own fault though, because I had the decision to leave a long time ago.

GardenMama

You are fortunate to have a NarAnon group so nearby--now, please go! It is so helpful to meet other people who are in or have been in your situation.

I know what you mean about how your worries change--for the parents here that is something we will have our whole lives, and when we say "recovery" we mean it as an active verb! It takes a lot of strength to detach from our addicted children.

But there are also many, many folks here who have been in marriages and romantic relationships and had children with addicts. Heed their advice! You have a lot of power and control over your OWN destiny right now, Kylie. I encourage you to take advantage of that. Choose the path that is best for your best self. And you yourself know how young you feel, and how unprepared for all this you are, as you've mentioned here.

There are few places where you will get the kind of insightful advice as you read here. Take in what you can, get good rest, and try to not worry so much.

My sense is that you have a tender heart and a hopeful spirit. Keep that intact as long as you can by not uselessly fighting the beast of heroin addiction. Make your own terms for the relationship and stick with them.

We all have loved ones who are/were amazing delightful people when they aren't or weren't using. He is one person in this big wide world. Put yourself and your baby first right now.

We are here for you. Keep posting.

hello-kitty

Honey it's ok to have a tender heart. It's ok that you love him. But you are not stuck. You get to choose your future, just like he gets to choose his.

You didn't cause his problem. You can't control his problem. You can't cure his problem. He's gotta figure that stuff out for himself.

And you gotta figure your stuff out for yourself. I've learned to set goals for myself and take things one little step at a time. As long as I do my best to make wise choices for my future and stop worrying about what I cannot control, everything works out exactly the way it's suppose to. I'm sure that if you can teach yourself to do that, things will be ok for you and you will be happy with the outcome.

PS. The offer from your parents is a stellar one!!! Go to college!!!!!!!!!!!!

dollydo

"Yeah, I've read the statistics over and over. They're so scary. They make me cry, so I just try to forget about them. I guess like most other things going on with him, I just can't accept them or admit that they're true."

Hon, that's what we codies do, deny and keep putting our rose colored glasses on...until we start our recovery from codependency, set our bounderies and stop trying to save others who do not want to be saved.

Get to those meetings and go to college...in both instanances knowledge is power.

SundaysChild

The baby is permanent link between the two of you - while you can end the relationship between the two of you, keeping him out of your life will be difficult because of the child.

If you keep the baby, and he wants visitation, you will have a very difficult time keeping him away. Be prepared for custody issues, legal battles, and lawyer's fees. I am not an attorney, but you may want to consult one to determine if there are actions you can take now to reduce risks in the future.


It sounds like you have smart parents - listen to them. A young single mom without an education will have a very difficult time giving a child a good life.

kyles

The thing is, I don't want to keep him out of my life, even if he is using. That's so pathetic, I know. I want him to be able to see the baby if he's not completely out of it. It's just that everyone tells me I shouldn't allow him near the baby ever as long as he's still using. I feel like I'd be a terrible mother if I let him be around the baby or to be around for a little bit while he's ok, then not come around for a long time when he can't get it together long enough. I don't want to tell him he can't see the baby, that he can't be there at the birth, etc. I want him there, even if he isn't clean. It just seems like I'm supposed to set boundaries and that's supposed to be one of them. I don't want to take him to court. Would they really award him visitation or partial custody if he's an active addict?

I plan to get an education. There's no way I'd quit school or not go to college anyway, no matter what I had to do or how hard I'd have to struggle. I get straight A's. Before all this, I was like the perfect little Catholic school girl honor student. This is why it's been such a shock to everyone I know.
My parents have also banned me from going anywhere with my bf now. I can spend time with him, but only at his house or my house, and only for very very limited lengths of time.

oooopps

TJP, thank you for sharing. Your words remind me of what my life would be like if I had stayed with my ex. I would not want my kids to go through that kind of pain, sadness, and heartbreak.

SundaysChild

kyles,

If he WANTS visitation, he can make your life a living hell, by repeatedly going back to court. He would probably be awarded supervised visitation, which can still interfere with your life. He can limit where you can move, or whether you can take the child out of state. Is it possible that you could cut him off completely? Maybe- but there will be years of lawyers and court dates in your future.

What I hear in your posts, though, is that you are not ready to give him up - he's your drug of choice (DOC). Please think about what's best for the baby. Are you keeping the child to keep your boyfriend in your life? If you haven't had any counseling, it may be worth a few sessions to help you sort out whether you are keeping this baby for healthy reasons.

dollydo

"I just already feel I can't be a mother anyway. I'm only 17."

Honestly, I have to agree with this statement. If you still want him in your life knowing what you know, then perhaps it would be better to possiblly adopt the child out or let your parents raise the child (if they agree).

No child should be raised where addiction is present, under any circumstances. If you are planning to use the child as a wedge to keep him in your life....your child will suffer...and heartache and pain will always be at your door step.

I wish you the best.

kyles

I'm not keeping the baby to keep my boyfriend in my life. That wouldn't be a good enough reason. I don't see why I'd have to do that anyway, even when he was using, we were still as close as ever. I don't feel I need a reason to keep him here. For a while after I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to get an abortion, but then I realized I wanted that for the wrong reasons. I decided to keep the baby because my parents are supportive and I guess I just felt like there was no excuse not to. Adoption seems too hard. I don't think I could do it. I know that's being selfish. I admit I love the baby because it is part of my boyfriend. If I'm keeping it for the wrong reasons, I'm not doing it on purpose. I don't know, maybe it's all subconscious.


But from what others are saying, even if I don't want him in my life, he can find ways to be involved in the child's if he really wants to. So, it seems like whether I want him in my life or not, he can still be around the child. Do I give the baby to someone else just to stop him from ever being around it?

Again, I'm not planning to use the baby for anything. I want my bf to be involved in his/her life because it's his child and thus far he's wanted to be involved. I don't want him to be involved just so he's also involved in my life.

hello-kitty

Kylie. Seriously. Don't stress over that stuff. I understand why you want your bf to be involved with raising the baby - if he's clean, and why you wouldn't want him to be involved - if he's not. Unfortunately, those two things are out of your control. So base your actions on what he's doing right now - he's using heroin.

I'm going to share with you what someone told me when I was pregnant:

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So hope that someday he will get clean and be an involved dad, but prepare for that not to happen.

Then, no matter what happens you and the baby are going to be fine.

And stop worrying. You are a smart girl. Just do what's best for you and the baby and everything is going to be ok.