Yeah, I've read the statistics over and over. They're so scary. They make me cry, so I just try to forget about them. I guess like most other things going on with him, I just can't accept them or admit that they're true. Part of me is still really stuck on, "not him" or "he's different." I know I shouldn't think that way, but I guess I do a lot more than I realized.


I know. And he if does start using again, I won't let him be around the baby.
Honestly, my own life has sort of been pushed to the side since all of this started happening. Most of my focus has been on him. I guess that's even sort of how I got pregnant, because if I was thinking straight it never would have happened. I plan to go to college next year, get a degree, a good job. My parents will only continue to support me and the baby if I go to college like already planned. I can barely even focus on school anymore though. His addiction has taken a huge toll on my life already. I feel like that's my own fault though, because I had the decision to leave a long time ago.

You are fortunate to have a NarAnon group so nearby--now, please go! It is so helpful to meet other people who are in or have been in your situation.

I know what you mean about how your worries change--for the parents here that is something we will have our whole lives, and when we say "recovery" we mean it as an active verb! It takes a lot of strength to detach from our addicted children.

But there are also many, many folks here who have been in marriages and romantic relationships and had children with addicts. Heed their advice! You have a lot of power and control over your OWN destiny right now, Kylie. I encourage you to take advantage of that. Choose the path that is best for your best self. And you yourself know how young you feel, and how unprepared for all this you are, as you've mentioned here.

There are few places where you will get the kind of insightful advice as you read here. Take in what you can, get good rest, and try to not worry so much.

My sense is that you have a tender heart and a hopeful spirit. Keep that intact as long as you can by not uselessly fighting the beast of heroin addiction. Make your own terms for the relationship and stick with them.

We all have loved ones who are/were amazing delightful people when they aren't or weren't using. He is one person in this big wide world. Put yourself and your baby first right now.

We are here for you. Keep posting.

Honey it's ok to have a tender heart. It's ok that you love him. But you are not stuck. You get to choose your future, just like he gets to choose his.

You didn't cause his problem. You can't control his problem. You can't cure his problem. He's gotta figure that stuff out for himself.

And you gotta figure your stuff out for yourself. I've learned to set goals for myself and take things one little step at a time. As long as I do my best to make wise choices for my future and stop worrying about what I cannot control, everything works out exactly the way it's suppose to. I'm sure that if you can teach yourself to do that, things will be ok for you and you will be happy with the outcome.

PS. The offer from your parents is a stellar one!!! Go to college!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

"Yeah, I've read the statistics over and over. They're so scary. They make me cry, so I just try to forget about them. I guess like most other things going on with him, I just can't accept them or admit that they're true."

Hon, that's what we codies do, deny and keep putting our rose colored glasses on...until we start our recovery from codependency, set our bounderies and stop trying to save others who do not want to be saved.

Get to those meetings and go to college...in both instanances knowledge is power.

The baby is permanent link between the two of you - while you can end the relationship between the two of you, keeping him out of your life will be difficult because of the child.

If you keep the baby, and he wants visitation, you will have a very difficult time keeping him away. Be prepared for custody issues, legal battles, and lawyer's fees. I am not an attorney, but you may want to consult one to determine if there are actions you can take now to reduce risks in the future.


It sounds like you have smart parents - listen to them. A young single mom without an education will have a very difficult time giving a child a good life.

The thing is, I don't want to keep him out of my life, even if he is using. That's so pathetic, I know. I want him to be able to see the baby if he's not completely out of it. It's just that everyone tells me I shouldn't allow him near the baby ever as long as he's still using. I feel like I'd be a terrible mother if I let him be around the baby or to be around for a little bit while he's ok, then not come around for a long time when he can't get it together long enough. I don't want to tell him he can't see the baby, that he can't be there at the birth, etc. I want him there, even if he isn't clean. It just seems like I'm supposed to set boundaries and that's supposed to be one of them. I don't want to take him to court. Would they really award him visitation or partial custody if he's an active addict?

I plan to get an education. There's no way I'd quit school or not go to college anyway, no matter what I had to do or how hard I'd have to struggle. I get straight A's. Before all this, I was like the perfect little Catholic school girl honor student. This is why it's been such a shock to everyone I know.
My parents have also banned me from going anywhere with my bf now. I can spend time with him, but only at his house or my house, and only for very very limited lengths of time.

TJP, thank you for sharing. Your words remind me of what my life would be like if I had stayed with my ex. I would not want my kids to go through that kind of pain, sadness, and heartbreak.

kyles,

If he WANTS visitation, he can make your life a living hell, by repeatedly going back to court. He would probably be awarded supervised visitation, which can still interfere with your life. He can limit where you can move, or whether you can take the child out of state. Is it possible that you could cut him off completely? Maybe- but there will be years of lawyers and court dates in your future.

What I hear in your posts, though, is that you are not ready to give him up - he's your drug of choice (DOC). Please think about what's best for the baby. Are you keeping the child to keep your boyfriend in your life? If you haven't had any counseling, it may be worth a few sessions to help you sort out whether you are keeping this baby for healthy reasons.

"I just already feel I can't be a mother anyway. I'm only 17."

Honestly, I have to agree with this statement. If you still want him in your life knowing what you know, then perhaps it would be better to possiblly adopt the child out or let your parents raise the child (if they agree).

No child should be raised where addiction is present, under any circumstances. If you are planning to use the child as a wedge to keep him in your life....your child will suffer...and heartache and pain will always be at your door step.

I wish you the best.

I'm not keeping the baby to keep my boyfriend in my life. That wouldn't be a good enough reason. I don't see why I'd have to do that anyway, even when he was using, we were still as close as ever. I don't feel I need a reason to keep him here. For a while after I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to get an abortion, but then I realized I wanted that for the wrong reasons. I decided to keep the baby because my parents are supportive and I guess I just felt like there was no excuse not to. Adoption seems too hard. I don't think I could do it. I know that's being selfish. I admit I love the baby because it is part of my boyfriend. If I'm keeping it for the wrong reasons, I'm not doing it on purpose. I don't know, maybe it's all subconscious.


But from what others are saying, even if I don't want him in my life, he can find ways to be involved in the child's if he really wants to. So, it seems like whether I want him in my life or not, he can still be around the child. Do I give the baby to someone else just to stop him from ever being around it?

Again, I'm not planning to use the baby for anything. I want my bf to be involved in his/her life because it's his child and thus far he's wanted to be involved. I don't want him to be involved just so he's also involved in my life.

Kylie. Seriously. Don't stress over that stuff. I understand why you want your bf to be involved with raising the baby - if he's clean, and why you wouldn't want him to be involved - if he's not. Unfortunately, those two things are out of your control. So base your actions on what he's doing right now - he's using heroin.

I'm going to share with you what someone told me when I was pregnant:

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. So hope that someday he will get clean and be an involved dad, but prepare for that not to happen.

Then, no matter what happens you and the baby are going to be fine.

:) And stop worrying. You are a smart girl. Just do what's best for you and the baby and everything is going to be ok.

I'm really upset right now. I was talking to women on another chat and one started insisting that social services will get involved and take my child. I told her that's not true and there is no reason for them to get involved if my bf's clean. She said they still will b/c he's an addict. I know that isn't true. She kept insisting on it. She also said if he's using and we're in a relationship, they will automatically come in. Even if he NEVER is physically around the baby, they'll get involved. She even said if he lives states away and never sees the baby they'll get involved. I know none of that is true, but it got me so wound up. I'm sure she was doing it on purpose, but why would people do that to someone? Then her and two other women started ganging up on me and said I didn't deserve to have a baby, that I was dumb, that all addicts should be shot, that it's a shame that so many people try for babies while dirty users can just pop them out. They also told me to kill myself. I'm so upset. I don't think I'm going to talk to anyone else about all my issues for a while now.

Actually, he's not using right now. I know it could change very easily though.

It's hard not to worry in my position. I'm always worrying about something or someone.

Kylie, try and make it to the meeting you found hon your pregnant and going through so much and that is not healthy start taking care of you now because taking care of you is also taking care of your unborn child your baby and you deserve that.

Also, he didn't go to the out-patient program today. I guess there's nothing more to say about that....

So, my bf met with the people at the out-patient program today, so hopefully he'll continue going like he's supposed to. He said they seem alright, but I didn't expect anything more since he just met them. It takes a while for him to open up to anyone, especially about his drug use. I'm still worried he's not doing it for all the "right" reasons (like for himself because he actually wants to quit). He said, "I don't want to disappoint you and I don't want to let you down. I'm going to be there for you and the baby." It's great that he's using these as reasons, but will that be enough in the long run when he's really tempted? Anyway, hopefully he'll get back into the mindset he appeared to be in back in rehab once he starts going to this program regularly.

I'm going to spend the day with him and his family tomorrow. We're not going to focus on his issues or recovery or anything. I just hope it can be a nice normal day.

I hate how this is such a rollercoaster ride all the time. One moment I'm upset, crying, thinking I should prepare to give up hope, then the next second he does something good and I'm happy again. I can't really detach and let it not affect me one way or the other, even though I really wish I could sometimes. I really wish what he did didn't affect my emotions so much.

You can learn how to detach if you want to. I suggest attending an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. It will help you get off the roller coaster. And you might learn some healthier ways of coping with problems that you can pass on to your child someday.

The problem is, I don't really want to detach. Yes, I'd love to not feel this way all the time. I can't explain it. I just don't see how I could learn to not care what decisions he makes. I'd have to turn off all my emotions. I'm deeply affected by others, especially those I care about. I cry at the drop of a hat, even when not pregnant. I just don't see how I could ever learn to detach to the point of not being deeply emotionally affected by what he does.

Don't think we don't understand or that you are the only person who has ever felt that way. What you are describing is called co-dependency and it is an addiction, just like heroin is your boyfriend's addiction.

It's a very unhealthy way to live that can make you sick and destroy your life. Of course it's a choice for you though. Just like heroin is a choice for him.

If you don't want to go to a meeting, you might at least want to read a book called "Co-dependent No More". That way you'll be educated about what you are setting yourself up for.

The ONLY things that have really helped, after years of hell on me & young kids:

1. The A detoxing in inpatient rehab, AND (after half-a$?$d-doing of the 90 meetings in 90 days thing post-rehab, part of outpatient after-care, relapsing, crashing & lying to me about what was going on throughout) getting serious about working the program EXACTLY like one is supposed to (instead of in the A's terminally unique, selfish way).

2. ME going to my meetings, several a week (some have babysitting, for future reference) AND working my program. Every concern & experience you've had tells me that the meetings are also YOUR answer. If you can't find a convenient women's only Nar Anon, you will find many just as good Al Anon women's only meetings!

If not, 1) the A's progressive disease will claim the A; and 2) we daily, even hourly become more habituated to and fall further down into the resulting, contagious family disease of Nar or An-"Anonism."

We feel & get you here at SR too!! Keep posting & reading!! ESH :)

I still don't understand how caring about what happens to him, getting sad, happy, upset, etc. will go away even if I stop being a co-dependent. I don't get how caring is an addiction. I know co-dependency is more than that, but just the part about caring, I don't get that. I can't stop caring about him, and as long as I care about him I'll have an emotional reaction to what happens to him.

Detaching doesn't mean not caring. It means not allowing the caring to consume you. It's a process- it doesn't happen over night. I started going to meetings, reading literature, working the steps with a sponsor, and just the way water wears down a rock, I began to change my feelings and attitudes.

You don't need to understand the endpoint to start the process - all it takes is an acknowledgement that you do not want to live the way you've been living.

Detachment is what MANY "Anonics" (or "codies" or "earth people") do for decades while living with an A, whether he or she is using or drinking or not.

Detaching with love IS hard to do but it is one of the many things the program teaches us!

I don't think I'm at that point yet. I'm not trying to be argumentative, just honest. Yes, I wish the whole situation would change overall. I wish he'd get better. I don't want to change the way I react to it though. That probably sounds so stupid. I just feel I'm reacting how anyone would in this situation, and I just have to deal with that unless he stays clean or I just have enough and leave him. Of course, I'm still tied to him forever, so I'll still care. I feel there's no escaping it, I guess.

The more I read about the "program," the more things I found that I don't really agree with. Is that just me being such a codie that I'm resistant? I don't know. I'm bad at following rules like this, especially when my heart tells me to do other things. Although, I just read a brief guide to detaching with love and I'm already doing a lot of those things. I guess I didn't realize those were part of detachment. I just started doing them, only in the few weeks before he left for rehab, because I knew they were the right things to do.

I get why you are a straight-A student. Everything you have written from the beginning is thoughtful even though some of it is only the begininng of the complete thinking-it-through; and that's only because you haven't been immersed in the readings, meetings, sponsorship, meditation, service and all that goes into the program. I can tell you this, that being where you're at in age, stage and situation, you're way ahead of many when they walk through the door into the program. Someday, after working the program (just like he hopefully works his), you'll be a fantastic sponsor because of that and all you've been through. A great teacher, whether in college or graduate school, would LOVE having a person as gifted as you in the classroom.

My experience is that it is essential to go to meetings (at least six times) and attend more than one group, especially in the beginning when one needs them the most.

As the biological father, your ABF will always have rights with respect to his child unless he gives them away or his addiction gives them away. But, at the meetings, one would learn that is a worry for the future that one can set aside living One Day at a Time. That is the only way to make it through this family disease without wasting the precious little time, energy & resources that addiction otherwise leaves us!

I applaud you for having the right instincts to keep him safely involved in the birth & other events of the baby's life yet to keep the baby's and your safety and well-being first and foremost! As they say in the meetings, even if counterintuitive at times, we must put our own oxygen mask on first so we can live and best help (to the extent we are allowed to) anyone else, whether that be the kids or the A.

There are a lot of things that are counterintuitive in the program even to highly educated or experienced adults. Why? Because addiction is a cunning, baffling and highly customizable or chameleon-like disease. Because addicts are chronically compelled, and their will power, morals, judgment, etc go right out the window certainly after they cross the generally invisible line from experimentation/abuse to addiction. Because addicts lie due to the compulsion. Because addiction is fatal if not arrested. They are not like "normies" so normal thinking and problem solving DOES NOT WORK. And when the "normies" around them are affected by the "isms" of the disease, their thinking becomes distorted (ususally by trying things common sense tells them "normally" ought to work). For example, reacting instead of acting, becoming codependent, begging, pleading, expecting (= a planned resentment), etc. So, the A's and the Anonic's solutions, unassisted by the special program tools, DO NOT WORK and, actually, MAKE MATTERS WORSE!

Meetings. That is the first door to open. :)

Yep. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.

9 months is a long time when you are 17. Many things can happen. I hope for your baby's sake, you get that happily ever after that you are looking for. But if you don't, you won't be the first person who's every been burned or hurt by an addict.

If you ever decide you want to make a change in your life, you now know where you can find the resources - al-anon, books about co-dependency, here...

Have fun on that rollercoaster!

Titanic, thank you for such a thoughtful response. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate what you said. It's made me feel a lot better.

I hope nobody is getting annoyed with me for not jumping right into meetings. I'm not trying to argue with anyone about it. I do understand the importance. I guess I'm just resistant. If being a co-dependent is an addiction, I guess it's not wonder why I'm hesitant to get help, even though the rational side of me thinks that's absolutely ridiculous - why wouldn't I want to stop this? I appreciate all advice given. I have located a local nar-anon group that meets close to me. I am scared. I'm worried to have to go along with what the program says because I know it will be really hard for me. And part of me just doesn't feel prepared to take on attending these meetings on top of everything else going on in my life. A huge part of me feels it's really unfair that I have to invest so much time and effort in something that's a result of a problem he created. It was only a few months ago that I was still lying and covering up for him, making excuses for all of his actions, lying to his closest friends and family when they'd ask me if I knew what he was doing and what was going on. I won't lie for him anymore. I won't let my whole world revolve around his use. I know the sooner I start going to meetings the better, but I am working to change and I feel I will go to a meeting, but I am not quite there yet.

No one at the meetings will ask you to commit to anything, or take any actions. The meetings are just a place to learn and meet others in similar circumstances. They are a place of support; no one will pressure you for anything.

I know I won't be pressured, and I don't ever have to go back if I don't want to. Yet, according to most of the people I've talk to, the best way to deal with all of this is to go to meetings regularly and to follow what the program says to do. It will be hard even if nobody is forcing me. People will get fed up of listening to my story if I don't try to follow the program and overcome my co-dependency. At least, that's how I feel.