Have you filed a police report against your son/daughter?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 90
Have you filed a police report against your son/daughter?
Friends, I have a 35 year old son who has been living at home, a basement dweller. He recently relapsed on heroin. Years ago, he took all of my jewelry pawned it. In my madness of trying to keep his name clear, I bought back my own possessions. Now my son has stolen some of the same property. I want to know if any of you have filed theft reports when you know your own child is the thief. What advice can you provide?
Jonathan is one sick person. He states that he cannot live without his family, his dad and myself. I know I need enabler therapy! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Jonathan is one sick person. He states that he cannot live without his family, his dad and myself. I know I need enabler therapy! Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Back when my daughter was stealing anything not nailed down, I did not call the Police. My position was, at that time, I did not want to ruin her life which was convenient to ignore she was doing a fine job of ruining her own life.
People who choose to put themselves into the position of living with someone in active addiction tend to learn to sleep with one eye open and their valuables under their mattress. There was a night when my daughter was crawling on our bedroom floor trying to access my purse and car key tucked under my mattress. I snapped.
I got rope and physically tied her to me. ( Husband leaves for work in the wee hours). She slept. I did not. Instead I came to the conclusion that the only way I was going to be able to control her was to keep her tied up in a locked cage, forever. It was the begining of my own acceptance that maybe, just maybe I was powerless over her and addiction and that it was my choice to continue to live this way, or not.
My daughter was about 19/20 at the time and likely 100 pounds soaking wet. I feared for her safety in the world she lived and sought like heck to protect her. I eventually came full circle and realized the greatest danger to my daughter was her own lousy choices. She decided to leave. I disengaged but did not go full out no contact.
That your son is 35 and manipulating his family to sustain and protect his addiction is sad. It's never too late to choose to save yourself.
People who choose to put themselves into the position of living with someone in active addiction tend to learn to sleep with one eye open and their valuables under their mattress. There was a night when my daughter was crawling on our bedroom floor trying to access my purse and car key tucked under my mattress. I snapped.
I got rope and physically tied her to me. ( Husband leaves for work in the wee hours). She slept. I did not. Instead I came to the conclusion that the only way I was going to be able to control her was to keep her tied up in a locked cage, forever. It was the begining of my own acceptance that maybe, just maybe I was powerless over her and addiction and that it was my choice to continue to live this way, or not.
My daughter was about 19/20 at the time and likely 100 pounds soaking wet. I feared for her safety in the world she lived and sought like heck to protect her. I eventually came full circle and realized the greatest danger to my daughter was her own lousy choices. She decided to leave. I disengaged but did not go full out no contact.
That your son is 35 and manipulating his family to sustain and protect his addiction is sad. It's never too late to choose to save yourself.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am sorry you are going through this. I will tell you my story, many hear know it, lol but I bring it periodically again to those that have recently joined us and are dealing with a family member that is in addiction:
Here is the true story:
In January of '79, when I was 33 1/2 years old, my parents and family told me very bluntly NO MORE. That I had a PROBLEM, it was MY PROBLEM and I was going to have to fix it as they could not and would not. They said, if I called on the phone, they would hang up, if i came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. They MEANT IT.
So being the good alkie/addict that I was I moved way across country to the West Coast to 'show them.'
It took another 2 1/2 years for me to find my 'bottom', and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollyweird. Quite a long way from the Upper Middle Class area I had grown up in and lived in prior.
For many years into my recovery, until their individual passings I THANKED THEM over and over and over.
I can honestly tell you that of all the things my parents ever did for me, that WAS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID. They allowed me to 'feel' the CONSEQUENCES of my actions.
Years into my recovery my mother finally shared with me that had they not done that both she and my father would have ended up in padded cells in straight jackets. That all they had been doing was fighting about me, what to do with me.
I have worked with many alkie/addicts over these 31 years and the ones who seem to make it are those that have finally reached their bottoms, when family, friends, wives and siblings stopped enabling them. They reached their bottom(s) and decided they wanted recovery.
Now as you can see that was many years ago, however it worked for me and has worked for many others. Did my parents call the cops on me, you bet they did!
You are not 'protecting' your son by not calling the police. You are enabling him to continue unacceptable behavior.
Only you can decide when 'enough is enough' but his statement of he 'needs' his family is just another manipulation to lay some 'guilt' on you.
He needs to be given the dignity of being an adult and dealing on his own with the consequences of his actions.
We are here for you. We will help if we can.
Have you tried any Alanon or Naranon meeting for you? They can be a great help! Also some one on one therapy is an option, again for you.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Here is the true story:
In January of '79, when I was 33 1/2 years old, my parents and family told me very bluntly NO MORE. That I had a PROBLEM, it was MY PROBLEM and I was going to have to fix it as they could not and would not. They said, if I called on the phone, they would hang up, if i came to the door it would be closed in my face and if I tried to steal from them they would call the police. They MEANT IT.
So being the good alkie/addict that I was I moved way across country to the West Coast to 'show them.'
It took another 2 1/2 years for me to find my 'bottom', and the last 1 1/2 years I lived on the streets of Hollyweird. Quite a long way from the Upper Middle Class area I had grown up in and lived in prior.
For many years into my recovery, until their individual passings I THANKED THEM over and over and over.
I can honestly tell you that of all the things my parents ever did for me, that WAS THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID. They allowed me to 'feel' the CONSEQUENCES of my actions.
Years into my recovery my mother finally shared with me that had they not done that both she and my father would have ended up in padded cells in straight jackets. That all they had been doing was fighting about me, what to do with me.
I have worked with many alkie/addicts over these 31 years and the ones who seem to make it are those that have finally reached their bottoms, when family, friends, wives and siblings stopped enabling them. They reached their bottom(s) and decided they wanted recovery.
Now as you can see that was many years ago, however it worked for me and has worked for many others. Did my parents call the cops on me, you bet they did!
You are not 'protecting' your son by not calling the police. You are enabling him to continue unacceptable behavior.
Only you can decide when 'enough is enough' but his statement of he 'needs' his family is just another manipulation to lay some 'guilt' on you.
He needs to be given the dignity of being an adult and dealing on his own with the consequences of his actions.
We are here for you. We will help if we can.
Have you tried any Alanon or Naranon meeting for you? They can be a great help! Also some one on one therapy is an option, again for you.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I asked my son once why addicts steal from their families. His answer was pretty darn honest.
He said "It's safe. They know their family won't turn them in."
Addicts know us better than we know ourselves. I have called the cops on my son twice. I have filed a restraining order against him. And I would turn him in for stealing in a heartbeat.
Failure to turn him in is cheating him out of the consequences of his actions. No one learns anything when they don't feel the consequences full throttle......except that it works!
gentle hugs
ke
He said "It's safe. They know their family won't turn them in."
Addicts know us better than we know ourselves. I have called the cops on my son twice. I have filed a restraining order against him. And I would turn him in for stealing in a heartbeat.
Failure to turn him in is cheating him out of the consequences of his actions. No one learns anything when they don't feel the consequences full throttle......except that it works!
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
We called the police 5 times. We live in a small suburban town, and the police were really reluctant to make an arrest.
Time #1- son was 17, and was high and being verbally abusive to my husband. My husband flipped out and grabbed my son's guitar and threatened to smash it if he did not apologize. BOTH my son and my husband left the room and EACH called the police on each other. The police came, talked to both of them, and no charges were filed on either.
Time #2- son was high and my husband threatened to call son's girlfriend's parents and tell them she was getting high. Son shoved husband, daughter called police. They came and he agreed go back to residential treatment that night to avoid arrest.
Time #3 - We found Xanax, and called police to find out how to throw him out of the house, since he had turned 18 two weeks before. The chief came this time. He told us that we'd need to follow state mandated eviction laws- it wasn't as simple as just putting his things on the street and locking the doors. The chief "talked" to our son, who promised to detox and attend NA meetings. Police left with no action. Son was 18 by this point.
Time #4- son stole $420 using my ATM card. Husband called police. They came, talked to him, and left. The sergeant who came called me back with info on how to do a section 35 (Massachusetts involuntary commitment process)
Time #5- He got violent, threw dishes at me, and threatened suicide- he sliced his arm with a kitchen knife (superficial - but I didn't know that) and swallowed a bottle of Tylenol. When I called 911 he spit out the Tylenol (i.e.he hadn't really swallowed them)...this time they sectioned 12'd him - but the hospital released him after 48 hours.
(Also during this time period, son was beaten up twice- for failure to pay drug debts. He called the police each time, and both times the police refused to prosecute saying it was his word against the men who beat him up- since there were no witnesses, they couldn't do anything)
Your community may be different - and your son is older- so hopefully the police will be more help.
Time #1- son was 17, and was high and being verbally abusive to my husband. My husband flipped out and grabbed my son's guitar and threatened to smash it if he did not apologize. BOTH my son and my husband left the room and EACH called the police on each other. The police came, talked to both of them, and no charges were filed on either.
Time #2- son was high and my husband threatened to call son's girlfriend's parents and tell them she was getting high. Son shoved husband, daughter called police. They came and he agreed go back to residential treatment that night to avoid arrest.
Time #3 - We found Xanax, and called police to find out how to throw him out of the house, since he had turned 18 two weeks before. The chief came this time. He told us that we'd need to follow state mandated eviction laws- it wasn't as simple as just putting his things on the street and locking the doors. The chief "talked" to our son, who promised to detox and attend NA meetings. Police left with no action. Son was 18 by this point.
Time #4- son stole $420 using my ATM card. Husband called police. They came, talked to him, and left. The sergeant who came called me back with info on how to do a section 35 (Massachusetts involuntary commitment process)
Time #5- He got violent, threw dishes at me, and threatened suicide- he sliced his arm with a kitchen knife (superficial - but I didn't know that) and swallowed a bottle of Tylenol. When I called 911 he spit out the Tylenol (i.e.he hadn't really swallowed them)...this time they sectioned 12'd him - but the hospital released him after 48 hours.
(Also during this time period, son was beaten up twice- for failure to pay drug debts. He called the police each time, and both times the police refused to prosecute saying it was his word against the men who beat him up- since there were no witnesses, they couldn't do anything)
Your community may be different - and your son is older- so hopefully the police will be more help.
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
SundaysChild, that is my experience almost to a 'tee'.
I ended up calling an ambulance when I found her using in the bathroom. The cop who came made an arrest for probation violation when he found paraphenalia. I did not directly accuse her of anything but he caught on just by what was happening. He also filed a complaint for theft because my daughter made a confession to me in his presence. She was very high.
It was kind of a back door way to get it done. It never seemed to work doing it up front.
Now our daughter is in residential treatment and is doing well for the first time in a few years.
I ended up calling an ambulance when I found her using in the bathroom. The cop who came made an arrest for probation violation when he found paraphenalia. I did not directly accuse her of anything but he caught on just by what was happening. He also filed a complaint for theft because my daughter made a confession to me in his presence. She was very high.
It was kind of a back door way to get it done. It never seemed to work doing it up front.
Now our daughter is in residential treatment and is doing well for the first time in a few years.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
I have called the police on my D many times for unruly and dangerous behavior/threats as a juvenile. By the time she was 18, her actions drew the police and I did not have to call them. She had many chances to figure it out but hasn't yet despite a 6 month stint in prison. Thankfully, she does not live with me anymore by mutual agreement.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My son stole thousands of dollars worth of valuables over the years and I didn't charge him once. In hindsight, I wish I had the first time and every time and if he ever comes to our home and steals again, I most definitely would.
As Kindeyes said, there are consequences to their actions and when we save them from the consequences, we rob them of a lesson that very well might save their lives.
The founder of SR once said "You may love your son right into his grave" and he was right, and I almost did.
I believe it was Outtolunch who said elsewhere on another thread here that she will not allow anyone who steals in her home. Add me to the list, my son is not allowed in my home either.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Hugs
As Kindeyes said, there are consequences to their actions and when we save them from the consequences, we rob them of a lesson that very well might save their lives.
The founder of SR once said "You may love your son right into his grave" and he was right, and I almost did.
I believe it was Outtolunch who said elsewhere on another thread here that she will not allow anyone who steals in her home. Add me to the list, my son is not allowed in my home either.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Hugs
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I don't have this experience but as an alcoholic, I will say It may just be what he needs to finally get help.
He'd have to find new people to steal from so yeah .... it would get tough on him to keep his habit up. Not a bad thing.
Originally Posted by Guinevere 
He states that he cannot live without his family, his dad and myself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Eastern U.S.
Posts: 64
Laurie -- Thank you for your post. I can't tell you how much recovery addicts and alcoholics help me to understand that I need to take care of myself and I can not take care of my alcoholic son.
My husband and I have been arguing over everything and anything during the last 6 months of stress.
My son is out of jail and rehab (from upper middle class, as yourself) and back in his beautiful home and we are almost positive, he is drinking. For the life of me I can't get that, but I do understand he is an alcoholic. He thought the Xanax he took was his problem.
After the past couple weeks my son has been nasty when he called. He calls because we have his two kids for two weeks. This morning he called because he wanted us to find his computer among the things we removed from his condo when he was arrested, and send it back with the kids when his estranged wife returns to their home with the kids. He was nice. Then I called to ask about the delayed flight (likely story from his wife). I said I was going to ask my grand daughter to call her mom to find out what time she would be in because she hadn't called us directly. He yelled, saying, " I TOLD YOU....blah blah blah". The point of this story is how manipulative alcohoilcs are (in person or from a distance on the phone) when they want something. He is nasty...then he needed something he became kind, nice, communicated. Then I called and he blew again.
Now...here we are and he owes us $8200 from his arrest time to now because we were so nice to ENABLE HIM. I guess we did not allow him the dignity to feel the consequences of his actions. We paid for his car to be bailed out, his rehab of 6 weeks, his bond, his car repair from the accident he had when he was drunk and arrested for his DUI 3.
We want the money back and we know he has it. We will go right over the edge if he and the 'dysfunctional family' go on vacation and we have not been paid back.
I am tired of confrontation. I want to email...but thought we should make the call rather than send an email. Should we let him see the kids tonight and tomorrow and then call and tell him, "When you were in jail we loaned you money understanding once you were out of jail you would be able to access your funds. We need to be repaid for the $8210 we loaned you. We would like it by 9/15." That is 3 weeks (approximately).
I am just posting this for comments and input....
I told my husband when stress hits (from our A Son) I sign on to SR for a 'meeting'. What I have read both times I have signed on in the last few days has helped me be strong. Both posts were from recovering alcoholics or addicts.
I have to run our grandchildren to the next town up to meet their mother...then we close the door and allow our son the dignity to feel theh consequences of his very own actions what ever that may be.
My husband and I have been arguing over everything and anything during the last 6 months of stress.
My son is out of jail and rehab (from upper middle class, as yourself) and back in his beautiful home and we are almost positive, he is drinking. For the life of me I can't get that, but I do understand he is an alcoholic. He thought the Xanax he took was his problem.
After the past couple weeks my son has been nasty when he called. He calls because we have his two kids for two weeks. This morning he called because he wanted us to find his computer among the things we removed from his condo when he was arrested, and send it back with the kids when his estranged wife returns to their home with the kids. He was nice. Then I called to ask about the delayed flight (likely story from his wife). I said I was going to ask my grand daughter to call her mom to find out what time she would be in because she hadn't called us directly. He yelled, saying, " I TOLD YOU....blah blah blah". The point of this story is how manipulative alcohoilcs are (in person or from a distance on the phone) when they want something. He is nasty...then he needed something he became kind, nice, communicated. Then I called and he blew again.
Now...here we are and he owes us $8200 from his arrest time to now because we were so nice to ENABLE HIM. I guess we did not allow him the dignity to feel the consequences of his actions. We paid for his car to be bailed out, his rehab of 6 weeks, his bond, his car repair from the accident he had when he was drunk and arrested for his DUI 3.
We want the money back and we know he has it. We will go right over the edge if he and the 'dysfunctional family' go on vacation and we have not been paid back.
I am tired of confrontation. I want to email...but thought we should make the call rather than send an email. Should we let him see the kids tonight and tomorrow and then call and tell him, "When you were in jail we loaned you money understanding once you were out of jail you would be able to access your funds. We need to be repaid for the $8210 we loaned you. We would like it by 9/15." That is 3 weeks (approximately).
I am just posting this for comments and input....
I told my husband when stress hits (from our A Son) I sign on to SR for a 'meeting'. What I have read both times I have signed on in the last few days has helped me be strong. Both posts were from recovering alcoholics or addicts.
I have to run our grandchildren to the next town up to meet their mother...then we close the door and allow our son the dignity to feel theh consequences of his very own actions what ever that may be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 90
Laurie, In my experience with having an AS, I attended Alanon meetings pretty regularly for over two years. I also went to counseling for over a year. I felt that I had gotten to a place that I could "handle" life with the addict. I guess my husband and I never had clear boundaries like OuttoLunch.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
