Car Questions

Old 08-24-2012, 06:25 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Car Questions

Good morning. For anyone who does not know my story, I have an AS who is 22, DOC is opiates, for at least 5 years, progressing from alcohol, marijuana, Adderoll abuse to opiates. AS was arrested twice college last year, once in Oct, once in Dec. Not knowing what we know now, we agreed to have him in our home since mid-December with out-patient treatment til March and working a program attending NA/AA meetings and working with a sponsor.

The last 4 or 5 weeks, I have noticed I need to remind him that attending meetings and working with a sponsor IS a condition of staying with us until Sept 1, when he moves into an apartment with his girlfriend and another guy that he signed a lease for last Oct. Says he is going to meetings and meeting with his sponsor. Did mention that his sponsor is only able to meet every other week lately.

Question is: the last 2 weeks or so, I have noticed that my gas mileage is way lower than it was. My car smelled like fast food one morning last week, thought that was strange but brushed it off. Today, I get in and the rear view mirros are way off. Can't belive I would have not noticed that since last time my husband drove my car. AS was leaving at night during early college and high school days. I have had a feeling he may be again lately and now I think he's using my car.

My plan is to have all car keys in my bedroom before I go to bed and reset the trip meter when I'm done driving for the day. Any other suggestions? Also, since he has not been sober any time he has lived on his own before I'd like to ask for his house key back and change the garage door combo when he leaves and just say for my recovery, til he has lived sober on his own 6 months, I need it that way. Especially since my husband works nights sometimes, I'd feel better. I told him again last night we know he's capable of making good choices, has had 2 rehabs but either way, not to ask us to live at home again.

Do those boundaries seem reasonable?
Scrapbooker is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 06:40 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
He's moving out in a week, it looks like. If you're comfortable keeping the keys close until he moves out, I guess it makes sense. Although if he is using the car to go get drugs, there will probably be some type of explosion within a day or so- so you need to be prepared to ask him to leave sooner than September 1.

The boundary of not wanting to allow an addict access to your house is certainly reasonable...so changing the garage combo and asking for his key back makes sense to me. If you think he may have made a copy of the key, though, you may want to change the locks as well.

If he is in recovery, he'll understand. I remember when my son asked if it was "okay" for him to have a key again - he was definitely prepared for us to say "not yet."

Best of luck.
SundaysChild is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 06:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Yes, sounds like he going out after you go to bed and yes, change those locks.
dollydo is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 07:23 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
BeavsDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Don't ask for the key until move out day. That will catch him off guard if he's forgotten to make his back-up key.
BeavsDad is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 07:31 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I took it a step further and installed a state-of-the-art security system. It wasn't too expensive and it gave me invaluable peace of mind. I have a big ADT sign in my front yard and son does not have a code nor will he ever get one. But even if I did give him one--which I won't--I could change it anytime I want to.

I sleep soundly at night.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 07:47 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
The crazy part is, his own car is in the driveway. I guess he may think I'll look out the window but not in the garage if I wake up during the night. I think the other part that doesn't fit is he told me earlier this week he was done with his 12 steps and his sponsor encouraged him to become a sponsor (at supposedly 7 months into recovery). Thought that was odd. Thought it was also odd he didn't try to make any ammends to me or his dad. Not an apology either.

Thanks everyone for your input It's very helpful and I wouldn't have thought to wait to ask for the key, or of the security system. I just want to react and tell him what I think is going on immediately.
Scrapbooker is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 06:11 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
learningtofly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
I don't believe it is possible to complete the steps that fast. I believe he is quacking! Regardless if he is or not doesn't really matter at this point. If he is taking your car without your permission that is a problem. If you want to know if he is using your car place something behind one of the wheels and see if it has been ran over the next morning.Then you will have your proof and you can then set your boundary. Normally your gut is right!
Your home is your safe place don't let him invade that space and make you feel that you have to stand guard in your own home. You deserve better! What are you willing to deal with? What are you willing to accept? If you have to kick him out early . . .he will manage!

Keep your eyes open . . .more is to be revealed!

(((Hug)))
learningtofly is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 07:26 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
You have reasonable boundaries but I would get your locks changed as others have suggested.
EJG123 is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 08:07 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
GardenMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I will just chime in and say I agree with everyone else's great advice. I especially agree about waiting to ask for the key, unless things blow up before that. I admire and appreciate (for my own learning!) that you are thinking in a protective way for yourself & your peace of mind. Our instincts about our kids are usually right on target--it's when we let time pass with no action that we start to doubt ourselves. Keep us posted!
GardenMama is offline  
Old 08-24-2012, 08:15 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Anaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by Scrapbooker View Post
My plan is to have all car keys in my bedroom before I go to bed and reset the trip meter when I'm done driving for the day. Any other suggestions? Also, since he has not been sober any time he has lived on his own before I'd like to ask for his house key back and change the garage door combo when he leaves and just say for my recovery, til he has lived sober on his own 6 months, I need it that way. Especially since my husband works nights sometimes, I'd feel better. I told him again last night we know he's capable of making good choices, has had 2 rehabs but either way, not to ask us to live at home again.

Do those boundaries seem reasonable?
Those seem pretty reasonable to me. When my son's at home, hubby and I (still) lock keys in our bedroom or carry them on our person, lock our bedroom door, too, and I keep an eye on my purse ... even though it's been a long time since my son has sneaked out and taken his party friends joyriding in my car in the middle of the night and also a long time since he has taken anything from us. Rebuilding trust has been a hard one here.

About the house key - he might have one made before returning to you? Back when my son was stealing my car, he had had a car key made, we found out, and, so, I put a "club" on the steering wheel and hid the keys to that, too.

Good luck. I hope you'll have some peace of mind and relax a bit when he moves out in September.
Anaya is offline  
Old 08-26-2012, 03:17 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Thank you for all of the additional input since I checked this thread. He had a migraine Thursday and I spent time in the ER with him. He was crying and carrying on about feeling safe here and not wanting to leave. I firmly but gently told him we love him, he has 4 choices: rehab, sober living, possible sober living with his sponsor or other aa/na contact, or an apartment by himself. Our home is not an option as I need to work on my recovery. Told him to talk to his sponsor and his psychiatrist at this week's appointment and let us know his choice.
Scrapbooker is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:22 AM.