Little brother officially a newly minted addict... (Long)
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Little brother officially a newly minted addict... (Long)
This is my first time posting here, but I've been here for a while getting due to the fact that my fiance (now ex fiance) was in active addiction through out the duration of our relationship. When I finally broke things off and got back into Al Anon (and consequentially stumbled upon my ex at a popular AA meeting in the area - good to know he is back in recovery and we are on friendly terms now and he was been sober for a good little while now and is actually working the step - something he never did before...). Well I can say that I am glad that I went back. Because my little brother just stepped onto the merry go round of addiction officially, no questions asked. Let me explain.
In his sophomore year of high school, I was hearing from him and from around the grape vine (we live in a small town), that he was drinking and smoking pot. Being the codependent that I was, since I was no longer at home and currently dating an addict, I jumped in and tried to save him. I told my parents and they chalked it up to experimentation when it obviously was more than that. He was passing out in the middle of the lake drunk on our boat (we live on a lake) and drinking and drugging alone. It took a year and blantant pot smoking in their house and several suicide attempts and they told him to stop for them to get that he needed help. So what do they do? They follow Dr. Phils advice and send him off to a wilderness therapy program for several months at the end of his junior year that is BASED on the 12 steps *SCREAMS* not an actual 12 step program. So they basically spent $50k with no real hope of him getting sober. They were still in denial that he had a drug problem. The program just said that he had severe OCD and "communication issues." When he went he was parachuting opiates, using suboxone (not prescribed), pot, and alcohol.... painfully obvious that he had something going on with drugs. So when he gets out of the wilderness therapy program, they send him to live with our older half brother who is 40ish and has two young kids. They tell my older brother that he had a suicide attempt, anxiety, and OCD. They fail to mention anything about drugs. My older brother calls me and I fill him in on the situation, which I know is probably crossing a line but I didn't know what else to do. I mean, it is so irresponsible to send a drug addict into a living situation with your GRANDCHILDREN who are both under the age of 8.
So my little brother is doing fine until one day before his first day of class his senior year he decides that he wants to go visit his rehab buddy in Florida (he was in Alabama at my brothers). So my parents think that's a WONDERFUL idea because they must have some common bond from the program.... so he goes down there. After that he shuts down, stops talking, etc. Then a couple days later, on his third day of school I call just to chat. He says that he missed school due to a migraine. He sounds horrible. I knew it was a come down. But I was good and stayed out of it. But my older brother calls me that night and tells me that my little brother came home earlier from school that day, went up to his oldest daughters room and passed out until SIX PM the following day. AND that when he went up to the room it smelled like pot and that the window screen was missing.
So I talk to my older brother a while and he decides to kick out my little brother and call mom and dad and tell them the next day. The next day he calls mom and dad, they rush over immediately to alabama (from georgia) to stage an "intervention." On the way there they call the counselor from my little brothers wilderness program. He says that because my brother is OCD so severely that once he starts doing drugs he can't stop. WTF! I told my mom that that was the very definition of addiction when she told me that. It amazes me that a COUNSELOR would say that! So my parents who are so sheltered and know nothing about addiction are being given horrible advice because the counselor is saying that my brother should go back up to the wilderness program for the FREE 6 week program that my parents were guaranteed if the first program didn't work
because this place also has a therapeutic boarding school that they have been trying to get my parents to send my little brother too. I emphasized to my mom that will was truly addicted and that he needed the 12 steps of AA, not some knock off.
So my older brother goes through my brothers room and finds drugs and random foreign currency from all over the world. Both my father and I have traveled extensively, so come to find out my little brother jacked all of our foreign currency (well over $2000 worth) and went to the ONE bank in this tiny alabama town and exchanged it all for dollars before he went to florida to pay his drug dealer in florida. I guess he at least gets props for originality. I can only imagine the convo he had with the banker, who goes to church with my older brother. So my older brother just called the bank and was basically like did my little brother come in with a bunch of foreign currency? and his friend was like yeah it was really weird.... like really?
So while I am sitting at work my little brother texts me to call him, not knowing that I know what is going on. He tells me that deryck found drugs and that he is dropping out of high school and moving in with his friend in florida. this is a kid who was in all AP and honors classes a year ago. so I talk him into talking to my older brother about it first, and my older brother in turn talks him into telling my parents to their face when they get there. They tell him they will buy him a bus ticket there but since the car is in their name he can't take it. They also say they will give him no money. He decides to go home with them. Apparently there was some confrontation in the driveway before they left because they wouldn't let him drive. I guess he was planning on going to florida instead of home... so now he is home with them and they are trying to get him back out to that free 6 week thing. I gave them a rehab number that my fiance went to once and now I am staying out of it the best I can. It's just so hard to watch my parents because they are finally admitting that he has a drug problem, but they don't realize that he isn't ready for recovery and they are still asking him questions like "why are you using" and stuff like that. They think that if he goes to rehab he is going to be better or if he goes to that free six week thing that he is going to be better. They don't realize that he is going to have to want to get better and that no amount of talking about why he is doing it is going to help. They don't realize that they are just now stepping onto a long, rough ride of rehabs and relapses until he is ready to change. UGH. Sorry, just had to vent.
In his sophomore year of high school, I was hearing from him and from around the grape vine (we live in a small town), that he was drinking and smoking pot. Being the codependent that I was, since I was no longer at home and currently dating an addict, I jumped in and tried to save him. I told my parents and they chalked it up to experimentation when it obviously was more than that. He was passing out in the middle of the lake drunk on our boat (we live on a lake) and drinking and drugging alone. It took a year and blantant pot smoking in their house and several suicide attempts and they told him to stop for them to get that he needed help. So what do they do? They follow Dr. Phils advice and send him off to a wilderness therapy program for several months at the end of his junior year that is BASED on the 12 steps *SCREAMS* not an actual 12 step program. So they basically spent $50k with no real hope of him getting sober. They were still in denial that he had a drug problem. The program just said that he had severe OCD and "communication issues." When he went he was parachuting opiates, using suboxone (not prescribed), pot, and alcohol.... painfully obvious that he had something going on with drugs. So when he gets out of the wilderness therapy program, they send him to live with our older half brother who is 40ish and has two young kids. They tell my older brother that he had a suicide attempt, anxiety, and OCD. They fail to mention anything about drugs. My older brother calls me and I fill him in on the situation, which I know is probably crossing a line but I didn't know what else to do. I mean, it is so irresponsible to send a drug addict into a living situation with your GRANDCHILDREN who are both under the age of 8.
So my little brother is doing fine until one day before his first day of class his senior year he decides that he wants to go visit his rehab buddy in Florida (he was in Alabama at my brothers). So my parents think that's a WONDERFUL idea because they must have some common bond from the program.... so he goes down there. After that he shuts down, stops talking, etc. Then a couple days later, on his third day of school I call just to chat. He says that he missed school due to a migraine. He sounds horrible. I knew it was a come down. But I was good and stayed out of it. But my older brother calls me that night and tells me that my little brother came home earlier from school that day, went up to his oldest daughters room and passed out until SIX PM the following day. AND that when he went up to the room it smelled like pot and that the window screen was missing.
So I talk to my older brother a while and he decides to kick out my little brother and call mom and dad and tell them the next day. The next day he calls mom and dad, they rush over immediately to alabama (from georgia) to stage an "intervention." On the way there they call the counselor from my little brothers wilderness program. He says that because my brother is OCD so severely that once he starts doing drugs he can't stop. WTF! I told my mom that that was the very definition of addiction when she told me that. It amazes me that a COUNSELOR would say that! So my parents who are so sheltered and know nothing about addiction are being given horrible advice because the counselor is saying that my brother should go back up to the wilderness program for the FREE 6 week program that my parents were guaranteed if the first program didn't work
because this place also has a therapeutic boarding school that they have been trying to get my parents to send my little brother too. I emphasized to my mom that will was truly addicted and that he needed the 12 steps of AA, not some knock off. So my older brother goes through my brothers room and finds drugs and random foreign currency from all over the world. Both my father and I have traveled extensively, so come to find out my little brother jacked all of our foreign currency (well over $2000 worth) and went to the ONE bank in this tiny alabama town and exchanged it all for dollars before he went to florida to pay his drug dealer in florida. I guess he at least gets props for originality. I can only imagine the convo he had with the banker, who goes to church with my older brother. So my older brother just called the bank and was basically like did my little brother come in with a bunch of foreign currency? and his friend was like yeah it was really weird.... like really?
So while I am sitting at work my little brother texts me to call him, not knowing that I know what is going on. He tells me that deryck found drugs and that he is dropping out of high school and moving in with his friend in florida. this is a kid who was in all AP and honors classes a year ago. so I talk him into talking to my older brother about it first, and my older brother in turn talks him into telling my parents to their face when they get there. They tell him they will buy him a bus ticket there but since the car is in their name he can't take it. They also say they will give him no money. He decides to go home with them. Apparently there was some confrontation in the driveway before they left because they wouldn't let him drive. I guess he was planning on going to florida instead of home... so now he is home with them and they are trying to get him back out to that free 6 week thing. I gave them a rehab number that my fiance went to once and now I am staying out of it the best I can. It's just so hard to watch my parents because they are finally admitting that he has a drug problem, but they don't realize that he isn't ready for recovery and they are still asking him questions like "why are you using" and stuff like that. They think that if he goes to rehab he is going to be better or if he goes to that free six week thing that he is going to be better. They don't realize that he is going to have to want to get better and that no amount of talking about why he is doing it is going to help. They don't realize that they are just now stepping onto a long, rough ride of rehabs and relapses until he is ready to change. UGH. Sorry, just had to vent.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Sorry for your pain and what your parents will undoubtedly go through. I know mine did.
You and they need to distance from him. Sounds like a lesson you know, but your parents have yet to learn. Personally IMHO they should just let him go to Florida, without the car and money of course. Eventually he's going to take off anyway and as you say, won't get help until he's ready.
My prayers are with you and your parents
You and they need to distance from him. Sounds like a lesson you know, but your parents have yet to learn. Personally IMHO they should just let him go to Florida, without the car and money of course. Eventually he's going to take off anyway and as you say, won't get help until he's ready.
My prayers are with you and your parents
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 21
yeah I thought that too about letting him go to florida because he is just going to jack the car and their cards eventually. But they offered to buy him a bus ticket but said they wouldn't give him anymore money and he declined. He thought they'd give him a free ride I guess.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Is your brother 18 yet? Speaking from experience, it is incredibly difficult to sort out where your responsibilities as a parent end when you have a teenage addict.
And, just like your brother needs to find his own way - your parents do, too. They need to feel they've "done everything they can" before letting go. Parents of addicts feel an incredible amount of guilt for having "failed."
You may want to suggest AlAnon to them, or leave reading material around the house for them....but beyond that, it's their journey.
And, just like your brother needs to find his own way - your parents do, too. They need to feel they've "done everything they can" before letting go. Parents of addicts feel an incredible amount of guilt for having "failed."
You may want to suggest AlAnon to them, or leave reading material around the house for them....but beyond that, it's their journey.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 21
And I suggested Al Anon to my mom as well as coming to an AA big book meeting to her that I go to, and to quote she said "NO! I am sick of all this addiction crap. I want to be happy and do something for myself! I am not doing that, it's just depressing." So I tried. But they think that he is the problem still - they don't realize it's a family disease. They've got a long road ahead of them.
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AA/NA- 12 Steps is not the only way.
I can think of endless outcomes far worse than returning to the Wilderness Camp, assuming he was interested in doing so.
AA/NA/Rehab does not cure addiction. Best case, it creates opportunities for those who are highly motivated to change to do so.
Having read thousands of posts on all the SR forums, the majority of folks who have long time sobriety/recovery under their belt achieved this without the benefit of rehab. And quite a few have done so without AA/NA, too.
I can think of endless outcomes far worse than returning to the Wilderness Camp, assuming he was interested in doing so.
AA/NA/Rehab does not cure addiction. Best case, it creates opportunities for those who are highly motivated to change to do so.
Having read thousands of posts on all the SR forums, the majority of folks who have long time sobriety/recovery under their belt achieved this without the benefit of rehab. And quite a few have done so without AA/NA, too.
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UPDATE: so my parents moved my little brother home and he has holed himself up in his room and has been coming down just for meals. So me being the codie that I am totally broke a barrier and went and read his facebook messages... I know, I know, I know I shouldn't have done it but I did and I know I broke a boundary but I KNEW he was on something harder and well he is. Turns out he's been doing Ketamine several times a DAY, daily for atleast the past month. This blows my mind. I know quite a few serious recovered drug addicts and have talked to them about this drug and they have said that they never new anyone the abuse ketamine in this manner, that it was usually used just for a special occasion experience. So I call my parents to let them know that their son is on a serious, serious drug. They research it and call me back angry because apparently in their research they found that people are using it for depression now that is resistent to other drugs and that he is obviously self medicating. Okay so this just reinforces the fact that I am indeed powerless in this situation. I mean I knew I was but I was acting otherwise but wow. They are still in denial that he is an addict. But when my brother calls me and tells me that he is experiencing symptoms x and y and they directly coincide with ketamine abuse and I know that he is still using in their house and they are enabling him its just too much for me. Not to mention anytime my parents call they yell at me for something that I am doing wrong in my life. I have a successful job and am currently not holed up in a room in their house unemployed as a high school drop out thank you very much. I just feel such great frustration and I am trying to turn it over to god and talking to my sponsor and my al anon support group but it just still gets me. Like wow, just wow.
Okay so this just reinforces the fact that I am indeed powerless in this situation. I mean I knew I was but I was acting otherwise but wow. They are still in denial that he is an addict. But when my brother calls me and tells me that he is experiencing symptoms x and y and they directly coincide with ketamine abuse and I know that he is still using in their house and they are enabling him its just too much for me. Not to mention anytime my parents call they yell at me for something that I am doing wrong in my life. I have a successful job and am currently not holed up in a room in their house unemployed as a high school drop out thank you very much. I just feel such great frustration and I am trying to turn it over to god and talking to my sponsor and my al anon support group but it just still gets me. Like wow, just wow.
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