Lies we tell ourselves

Old 08-24-2012, 12:35 PM
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I can handle this.
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post
Another lie I told myself while married to my XAH for a very long time.

Marriage is forever. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

ke
Yep, that was my lie #1, which meant I relied on lie #2 " everything will be better when/if he quits". When I got free of lie #1, lie #2 didn't matter because I realized his behavior may not change and he may not quit or stay sober.

A big lie I am working to overcome is that I abandoned him by not following him to the new state.
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Old 08-24-2012, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by learningtofly View Post
"I'm a bad person if I leave him and he is clean now"
Yep, apparently my AH stopped using right before I left him, but I can't confirm it. Yet I feel too much has gone down.
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Old 08-24-2012, 02:22 PM
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In my experience the only effective way to prevent future failure
is to conduct a proper failure analysis.Upon completion
of aforementioned analysis,the hard part comes.....a dispassionate
self evaluation of the acts & omissions (by ME) that contributed
to the failure....to whit:

1. I crossed paths with an addict.
(a material fact without meaning,there have been addicts since time began)

2. I cared what happened to her.
(complicating factor,as emotions cloud rational judgement)

3.I turned off my "BS meter",pretending to believe falsehoods because of #2.
(a critical root failure,as I voluntarily lost my footing in the REAL world to 'help' her)

4.I go deeper into 'her' world,now telling lies to MY loved ones to cover
up the fact that $hundreds were actually over 5 figures.
(now locked firmly in codependency--her sickness becomes mine)

5.Find SR,identify codependency as core issue ,recognize situation is
rapidly escalating out of control and emergency egress is called for.

6.Initiate emergency egress (no contact),anticipate uncomfortable
withdrawal effects and prepare countermeasures.

painful,
hard,
necessary.

Nobody likes to look failure in the eye.It hurts.But I learned long ago that the only
way to succeed in life is to love and embrace your failures.Drink them in,go back to
the places you've failed badly--and remember how you felt.Don't get me wrong,success
is great and I am very happy & proud to be where I am in life----but success never
taught me a damn thing.....every single last thing of value I have learned came from
failure.Failing,feeling the sting,learning the lesson,applying what you've learned.

If only she had faced her demons instead of hiding from them with oxy.I don't
know if she would have won or lost---but at least she'd have the dignity of either
killing her demons or leaving the mother%&@%$#s with some choice scars
......to remember her by...
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Old 08-24-2012, 02:59 PM
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If he uses again, I am done!!
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Old 08-24-2012, 08:57 PM
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Vale, I guess the last part of what you said

*If only she had faced her demons instead of hiding from them with oxy.I don't
know if she would have won or lost---but at least she'd have the dignity of either
killing her demons or leaving the mother%&@%$#s with some choice scars
......to remember her by...*

My first A...(I married him), some bad things happened and eventually he acted like he was going to hit me...and I left...months later he killed himself and it was so senseless and I couldn't help but feel that If if i had stayed it wouldn't have happened. And he was a fighty belligerent guy. But the heroin got him so hard. I guess after he killed himself, I just blamed myself and told myself that if I had been better, more understanding, if I had been perfect it wouldn't have happened. If I had been more commanding, more direct, more crazy instead of being a pushover and just going along. I know now it wasn't my fault, but what you said, it shot through me.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:08 PM
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BodkinVanHorn wrote:

>>>>>>I guess after he killed himself, I just blamed myself and told myself that if I had been better, more understanding, if I had been perfect it wouldn't have happened. If I had been more commanding, more direct, more crazy instead of being a pushover and just going along. I know now it wasn't my fault, but what you said, it shot through me.<<<<<

......From everything I have learned,BodkinVanHorn----
there is not a damn thing you could have done either way.I hope you let go
of the bad Karma that suggests otherwise.
Yes,sometimes I comb the obits.I know one day I will read her name.My takeaway from
this 3 year travail....(1SEPT2009) is that noone can fight another's battles for them,and
it is folly to try.

Certain vehicles have modes of operator/vehicle coupling that produce
VERY undesirable results.....

----and the answer is to simply LET GO and let the vehicles
NATURAL STABILITY damp out the out-of-phase operator inputs.

Is it EASY to let go when the damn thing is doing something crazy? Hell no!!

(BUT IT WORKS!).

You didn't do anything wrong.You did the best you could.So did I.
I'm sorry for your loss.I think by now you know that none of it was
EVER in your hands.
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:55 PM
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I kept the boys in healthy activities so where did I fail as a mom.
I can help them that is a mothers job.
They "need" my help
If I had left their dad when he was smoking pot this would never have happened (no way too know for sure)

How dare people try and jump my son no one messes with my kid he didn't do anything to cause that (then off I would go and have guns pulled on me it is a wonder I am alive)

He has to use because his medications for the mental illness are not working

As, for hubby

I took vows before God and others I have to stick with them.
He would never do the things other people do he is not an addict.
We, were destined to be together otherwise why did we keep meeting everywhere we went. God placed us together for a reason. (That may be true I just don't know the reason)

I have 31 years invested and the kids are grown now he owes me us time again.
He really wants to quit because he tells me he does he just doesn't know how.
If I can find the right places for him he will quit.

Once he quits and he will soon ha ha our life will be back to normal... We never had a normal he started smoking pot at age 12 and was 16 when we got together.

Why does he want to punish me I must have done something really bad.
I am the only person he has I can't abandon him. (his mom died when he was 15 and his dad was never around)

No one else has ever loved him I can't let him feel like I am like his family.
I just need to love him more.
It is MY fault he does this.
I should not have asked him to pay bills and he would not be stressed and using.
I asked for to much time with him.
I expected to much (all I wanted was for us to do things together sometimes)

I would probably use if I had to live with me .

This list could go on forever.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:13 PM
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...it could go on forever,Angie
(if we let it)

the kicker is.....we don't HAVE forever.
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Old 08-24-2012, 11:49 PM
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Lightbulb

The quotations are the guilt/grieving statements my brain is wrestling with - and the reality of the situation is in brackets.

"if only I tried harder to do that intervention for him last nov" (his whole family said no and ended up getting really mad at me. I honestly had no more energy to "help him see the light" on my own).

"I shouldn't have called the police when he came "X" amount of times to our door" (it was a manipulation tactic to get me to feel sorry for him and let him come home - he had not stopped using).

"if only I didn't nag him so much..." (he slacked on almost all his home responsibilities, he would drink and drive, would go to this seedy bar in east Vancouver almost every day in Oct, sometimes not even coming home.

"I abandoned him and our marriage..." (he abandoned me in July 2010 when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore - for a short while of course so he could use. When he was 'done', he wanted back into the marriage again. This pattern repeated itself about 7x until Nov 2011 when I just had enough).

"He died a horrible, tragic death ... if only I was there..." (it still may have happened... in our home! That would have been really traumatic for me - would I have been able to continue to live here? Also... It was because of HIS choices not mine is the reason why his life is over).

I am going to miss the good parts of him, but know deep down that I'm going to be able to finally close this chapter in my life without his addiction hanging over my conscience... (no quotes there... Just truth).
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Old 08-25-2012, 12:27 AM
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"There is no way he would ever commit this crime I know him and he'd never do that."
"He has a lot of expenses and he just isn't good with money, that's why he doesn't have any savings"
"He's a different person than the addict/criminal he's been for the past ten years."
"If I ever hear you're doing drugs. I will leave you"
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Old 08-25-2012, 01:25 AM
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Mine started even before the addiction did:

- My son will never become an addict because I am a good mother (while judging another mother of an addict when my son was little).
- My son became an addict because I am a bad mother (many years later)
- I can believe my son when he says it is only weed. I brought him up to be honest (whilst he is tripping on acid and who knows what. Also whilst he is dealing drugs from my house and we are known as the "drug-house")
- This is only a phase. My son will outgrow it by 25 (27 and still going strong).

I believed every other lie mentioned here. It is comforting to know how similar we all are.
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Old 08-25-2012, 05:02 AM
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I can fix this.

God is going to help me fix this.

And when nothing happened...I guess God doesn't care.

I HAVE to fix this. My son needs his father in his life.

God is going to fix this.

I guess God doesn't care.

With each cycle, I became more and more desperate to find a solution...for God to fix things.

And on and on and on the cycle went. If God's help didn't come in the form I expected, he wasn't around (by my way of thinking). Only through al anon and working the steps did I come to realize that God has been here every step of the way. I just needed to let go and get out of His way. I might not understand His way but I trust it now. It took me a long time to get to this point...and alot of pain and fear and misery. But I'm a stronger person for it now.
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Old 08-25-2012, 07:58 AM
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Great thread. Adding to the list of lies:

- My husband has said (something like) if our son joins the service, he'll get away from drugs and the friends he uses with and then the military life will change him.

- I've had others tell me that it's probably only a phase my son is going through and he will grow up and out of these behaviors.
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Old 08-25-2012, 03:08 PM
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He'll come back to us.
He loves me.

So very painful. I love my xah so much. Even after everything he has done to me and my family. I don't understand how I can still love him, but I do. Although, I'm VERY strong with boundries.
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Old 08-25-2012, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Kindeyes View Post

Marriage is forever. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

OMG! Thought I was the only one that felt that way. I tell myself that to this day. My AH soon to be ex has been clean for 50 days or so, but not until I left him. And his behavior has not changed. I just said to my mother "...I made my bed..." she almost slapped me to wake me up. She said I did not make this bed, but did everything I could to make it work. The bed I have now is just a reslut of cause and effect, not having anything to do with what I did or didn't do. Hate it that she is always right. Wish I would have started listening to her a lot sooner in my life. LOL
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Old 08-25-2012, 07:12 PM
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"He is just tired from working so hard"
"This is the last time I am covering for him"
"If he uses one more time I am out"
"He wants to be sober cuz he loves us"
"He was abused as a child. Just cuz he gets high once and a while doesn't mean he will never stop using, its hard for him"
"I know if I do everything he will have no stress therefore he won't use"
"I know if I do nothing he will be so busy he won't have time to use"
"Maybe I will quit my job then he would get sober"
"I'm too hard on him, he hit me cuz he was coming down. If I would have given him the money I had hidden for rent he would not have hit me. Totally my fault this time"

My most recent "He has been clean for 50 some days. He has no reason to lie anymore"
And even now he still lied to me. Asked if he wanted to go to waterpark with me and the kids, yesterday he said yes. Then I called him today at 10am he was still asleep and said no he can't cuz he has an appointment at 1pm. Information he could have told me yesterday. Another let down for my babies. Moving out of state now and taking kids with me. Filling for divorce in this next month and lawyer says go for soul custody. Wish me luck.
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