HangOn

I have an AB, who is younger than me. He's only 21 and I'm 23, we still both live at home. My question was whether or not you guys hide your loved ones addiction problem? My family use to not tell anyone, friends, family or anybody that didn't live in our house. Eventually it came out to our family and his friends because we really needed help with him, and support from any angle.
Well, he's back from rehab for about a year and still uses off and on, and it's only getting worse. My family nor do his friends know that he's using again.
Why does it seem like such a bad thing to tell people that I have an AB? He doesn't come from a bad or non-loving home, yet it seems that if I tell people he has an issue it immediatly is blamed upon my family dynamic.
Is it because a lot people are uneducated on the fact that addiction doesn't discrimminate against age, gender, social status, or family lifestyle?
Does anyone else here feel that if addiction was a more talked about issue, and not so taboo that it could help open more doors for addicts and people who love an addict?
I don't want myself or my family to be judged because we have an addict in the family. I think one way to help solve peoples judgement is to be able to not be embarressed to talk about it. That yes, this is an issue my family deals with, but it does not and will not define who we are. And it does not mean that we are bad people.
Does anyone else feel the taboo that comes along with having an addict in the family?

Ann

It's called having an elephant in our living room...we all pretend it's not there, take great care to walk around it, but the only winner in all this is the elephant...or addiction.

I am selective who I discuss this with. I don't make a secret of it but that doesn't mean I am open to talking about it to just anyone.

If I am judged, that's on them, not me. Judgmental friends don't stay my friends for long anyway.

Live how you want to live and share whatever you want. Don't force anyone else to do it your way, how they handle this is up to them, but you don't have to hide anything, especially anything as big as an elephant.

Hugs

story74

I am not embarassed that my xah abandoned us for cocaine. I am very honest, and if/when it comes up and I feel it is right to share, I do. I don't see what I have to be emabarassed about?

Now, my xah's family on the other hand are having a HUGE problem admitting to his drug problem. They love pretending that he is fine and are in total denial. This is a HUGE issue with me and has really created quite a wedge between us. I don't understand it, but have realized how powerful denial is.

For me, honesty is the best policy.

HangOn

I don't want people to discuss it with just anybody or anybody at all if it makes them uncomfortable. I just dont want them to not discuss for fear or getting ridiculed, in a sense. Mostly it just pains me to see people feel like they have to hide it, ya know?
And I agree if my friends are judgemental and non-supportive there is no room in my life for people who only point fingers. Judgemental family can be a trickier thing to work around.

story74

Ps. There is nothing to be embarassed about.

LoveMeNow

I have become very open about it - if the subject comes up. My husband has too, he proudly tells people he goes to NA (a place he used to mock). I used to hide it and feel embarrassed but what I have discovered...almost everyone I have told - has someone they love struggling with addiction. It's so sad that it has effected the lives of so many!! IMO, the stigma is gone!!

milo88

Yes, I did this with my ex - tried to hide a lot of what was going on. It really didn't help that when I reached out for help - usually just on a helpline - the emphasis went onto me - what was wrong with me that I was involved with an addict etc etc
I found myself constantly saying to helplines things like "But he wasn't always an addict" and "he's a lawyer" which made me hate myself for using that as a way to say hey, I'm not a complete loser. (I know - horrible!) But it was also horrible to feel shame on top of all the other emotional distress around what was happening, and it was completely unhelpful for both of us.
While it's true that there are many reasons behind a person's addiction, and also many reasons why certain people stay and others leave, I think the reasons for both are so complex and not as easy as "dysfunctional family" or "codependent personality"
The bottom line is addiction is rife in western society, it's everywhere! And there are many reasons - both personal and societal - why it happens.
My own shame only exacerbated the problem, and also stopped him getting help earlier because I covered so much up.
It's great you're here, I wish I'd found others to talk to before my ex died. I didn't know where to go - and since then I have learned so much that I wish I knew before - things that might have actually helped!
It's not only the addict who needs help, the people closest to them do too. It's such a hard thing to deal with.
Good luck, Hangon, and many hugs xxxx

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Hang On, we didn't share at first, but then we opened up with our closest friends who have known our son since he was a young boy. Their support, love and encouragement provided me with great strength. When others who know of our son but are not that close ask why he is never around any more , I state , "JJ is living on his own and is working out some issues. I prefer not to discuss it further". Polite and enough said that I can move on from there. Not everyone who I know needs to know that he is addicted and on the lam.

whaty

Same here as JJ's mom in post above, but I usually add that he is a very troubled young man who has made some bad decisions and leave it at that. The people I do share the truth with are very supportive and most can relate.

HangOn

Thanks for all the replys :-) and insight into how it makes you and your family feel :-)

Yes please!!! I'd be very much interested in reading it!

interrupted

I'll tell anyone if it comes up and is relevant to the conversation, whether I know them or not. Telling people is easy, introducing anyone is a whole different story. Heh.

My mother gets all freaked out about it and frequently used to request that I keep everything very secret. Especially from the grandparents. This made me very angry because both my sister and cousin were stealing from the grandparents and I get pretty upset when people take advantage of elderly folks. My grandmother on the other side of the family, whom I was extremely close to before her passing, was taken advantage of by a con artist who prayed on elderly people and the fact that there are people who would do that just really grinds my gears.

I just avoid that whole side of the family now for the most part, enabling mom, addict sister, complete denial aunt, addict cousin, concerned grands; they have a whole storm of drama constantly raging and it's just too tiring and crazymaking for me to participate in anymore.

LuvMySis

This is me, too.

And I only share details of the addiction in my family as it affects me. Not because I'm ashamed at all. It's just that I feel I shouldn't expose other people's personal business.

Scrapbooker

One member of the Al-Anon group I attend on Mondays said it well when she said for someone who suffers with the family disease of addiction, no explanation is necessary. For someone who doesn't or doesn't have a close friend or family member who does, no explanation is possible.

SSHope

This has been on my mind quite a bit as well. Like you, my AB and I did not grow up in a terrible household. My parents have not told my aunts or uncle, and I have left it up to them to decide when they are ready to do so. It took them several months to tell their closest two friends. I, on the other hand, have told my closest friends and a co-worker whose family is also struggling with an addicted loved one. I have found the support to be extremely helpful to me. One thing that I have learned is that there are more of us in this boat than anyone might realize. On a rough day, those who know our family's situation will give me a hug and I don't feel the need to explain what I'm feeling or what has happened, they know a hug is sometimes enough.

FindingErica

When we were together, yes, I was embarrassed and told myself it was better than if he was addicted to something else.

Since I decided to leave him, no, I started telling people. I decided that addiction is his problem but if I hide it then it becomes my problem too.

Anaya

I did for awhile but that has faded.

Our extended family has surprisingly been very supportive and that is a blessing; we didn't try to hide what was going on from them but I sometimes felt they were overwhelmed and maybe it was not fair to "share so much" with them.

We also had friends, who did not allow our then teen son around their teen daughter and I guess if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to protect my daughter, too.

It's just so ironic in our society how addicts are put under a microscope and shunned by some, yet to those same people "social drinking" (tailgate parties, bar hopping, etc.) is totally acceptable.

Thanks for the interesting thread!

lesliej

addiction...dysfunction...codependency, they THRIVE in secrecy and shame

it's like a dark damp breeding ground for the disease to grow stronger

maybe it's the behaviors that go along with the whole thing...maybe we are ashamed of the behavior of the active addict that goes along with the use of DOC... for the underground, criminal, sexual, thievery, deception, disappearance, betrayal, filth, co-diseases (hep C, AIDS, malnutrition, etc) and ALSO we are ashamed of our own behaviors too...those "behaviors" that consume our life at times in connection/codependency with addiction...desperation, bewilderment, depression, grief, frustration, anger, blaming and shame

we all know that any of these "behaviors" (and so many more) are NOT life-affirming, that they steal away the joy and energy of life...and we don't want to share them

I am all about the disease model, but it's not as though a cancer patient or diabetic is sneaking around possibly having sex with crack wholes and stealing family items to fund it.

when we take on all of these behaviors...which is kind of what we are doing in taking on shame...we are in the system, the family system, the dysfunction...we are trying to protect ourselves from the consequences and enabling the whole system by hiding in shame

I guess that is my UN-HO unhumble opinion?

kyles

My boyfriend's an addict. I did hide it all the time. I'd even deny it or make it seem like it was something less "severe" when people would ask me about it. I can't believe I couldn't just tell people, mainly his family and friends, who would ask me about what was going on. They could all tell something was up and were worried, but I would lie for him. I felt guilty at the time, and I feel even more guilty now. It wasn't until I got pregnant that I finally told his friends and family everything.
I don't know why I felt the need to hide it for him. Even now, I don't like to mention it unless I'm talking to someone who already knows. I think I still try to make it seem like less of an issue than it actually is.

librarylady

I want to share with our close friends-I'm sure they know something is going on in our family. My husband is totally against-he says it's nobody's business. I try to honor his feelings. We're new to this and I'm sure it will get easier. I do feel that if they judge or talk about us, they aren't true friends and I don't need them. I did get some ideas and great ways of how to handle the subject from the posts above. Thanks for posting.

Kindeyes

There is no doubt that there is a social stigma attached to addiction--for the family and for the addict. There will always be those in society who judge or gossip and lets face it, some people thrive on watching for the train wreck. Those are the people I don't discuss it with. They aren't well camouflaged--they show their colors regularly. Do I consider it hiding the addiction? No.....I consider it good judgement.

Just my two cents.

Gentle hugs
ke