Lovely Global Tell Link Call today...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It’s his way of keeping me holding on when there is literally nothing left to hold onto.
You need to also stop talking to this man's mother.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
FF,
I know what I felt when all the "SR advice" ran counter to what I wanted to
believe.I won't say I felt attacked.How can you feel attacked by a bunch of pseudonyms
on the internet?The idea is ludicrous.But I did feel........judged?
Maybe.
Now,many months later,I can see their true motivation for diverting THIS moth from
a terribly attracting flame.
They don't like seeing miserable patterns repeating.It the age old hatred of the
mature.Watching people younger or more inexperienced make the same ghastly mistakes
they made,and then having to watch the same misery unfold,time and again.
I know personally how this person made you feel.Wanted,special,heroic. I know this
NOT because I know you but because it is their pattern.They hone it,they perfect it,
BECAUSE IT WORKS.
It is a con.
It worked on me.
Like I have written before,big flaming red predators who make alot of noise would
become extinct rather quickly.As far as the mating game goes,let's face it.If your life
scorecard has WAY more failures than successes----your only way to NOT be excluded
from the gene pool is to pull the "bad boy" BS routine!
Oooooooh! Mysterious.Brooding.Plays by his own rules.
An old dad (like me) sees things differently......
"So you couldn't cut it in the real competitions of life,eh? So to
hide your inferiorities you concoct all these BS subroutines that 'girls'
have fallen for.....since time immemorial.You 'hone' these 'skills' like
a spider spins a web----to one end alone---to obtain ends that you
had NO CHANCE of winning on the REAL battlefield crucible of life.
I see right through you,you pathetic excuse for a man.But SHE
doesn't,that's why God (or whoever).....gave her a dad."
Before you go reading the wrong thing into this message....Older,
wiser,etc....'counseling' younger,inexperienced YOU....blah,blah,blah.....just
remember one thing: I fell for it too! I am on the other end of the
lifecycle from you & at the top of my profession and life.....and I fell for it
too! Which tells you one thing:They are VERY,VERY GOOD at what they
do.They have to be.....it is their life & livelihood.If their 'act' falls short they
don't get a bad review in the Boston Globe....they don't get to eat!
I tell my kids----never EVER take on a professional in their line of
work....you WILL get slaughtered.When I was out of my league with an
addict--- I sought out SR.When I have a toothache I go to a dentist--
I don't stand in front of a mirror with a hand drill!
When the SR sages prescribed no contact---I paid homage.It hurt
like hell...and yes there were relapses (reading arrest logs/obits),but in
the end......they were right.
I know what I felt when all the "SR advice" ran counter to what I wanted to
believe.I won't say I felt attacked.How can you feel attacked by a bunch of pseudonyms
on the internet?The idea is ludicrous.But I did feel........judged?
Maybe.
Now,many months later,I can see their true motivation for diverting THIS moth from
a terribly attracting flame.
They don't like seeing miserable patterns repeating.It the age old hatred of the
mature.Watching people younger or more inexperienced make the same ghastly mistakes
they made,and then having to watch the same misery unfold,time and again.
I know personally how this person made you feel.Wanted,special,heroic. I know this
NOT because I know you but because it is their pattern.They hone it,they perfect it,
BECAUSE IT WORKS.
It is a con.
It worked on me.
Like I have written before,big flaming red predators who make alot of noise would
become extinct rather quickly.As far as the mating game goes,let's face it.If your life
scorecard has WAY more failures than successes----your only way to NOT be excluded
from the gene pool is to pull the "bad boy" BS routine!
Oooooooh! Mysterious.Brooding.Plays by his own rules.
An old dad (like me) sees things differently......
"So you couldn't cut it in the real competitions of life,eh? So to
hide your inferiorities you concoct all these BS subroutines that 'girls'
have fallen for.....since time immemorial.You 'hone' these 'skills' like
a spider spins a web----to one end alone---to obtain ends that you
had NO CHANCE of winning on the REAL battlefield crucible of life.
I see right through you,you pathetic excuse for a man.But SHE
doesn't,that's why God (or whoever).....gave her a dad."
Before you go reading the wrong thing into this message....Older,
wiser,etc....'counseling' younger,inexperienced YOU....blah,blah,blah.....just
remember one thing: I fell for it too! I am on the other end of the
lifecycle from you & at the top of my profession and life.....and I fell for it
too! Which tells you one thing:They are VERY,VERY GOOD at what they
do.They have to be.....it is their life & livelihood.If their 'act' falls short they
don't get a bad review in the Boston Globe....they don't get to eat!
I tell my kids----never EVER take on a professional in their line of
work....you WILL get slaughtered.When I was out of my league with an
addict--- I sought out SR.When I have a toothache I go to a dentist--
I don't stand in front of a mirror with a hand drill!
When the SR sages prescribed no contact---I paid homage.It hurt
like hell...and yes there were relapses (reading arrest logs/obits),but in
the end......they were right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
You guys and your advice are always so great. Don't see it as harsh just honest, and it's frustrating for you all to see someone going through what you went through and are now on the other side of...obviously I am currently incapable of forming coherent sentences.
Just worked a 16 hour day (YAY MONEY) Wish I could tell you guys ignored his calls today but I didn't. Ended up caving. It was stupid. It won't allow me to let go if I keep holding on...okay seriously I'll be back to reply in the morning when my brain isn't dead...
I feel like when our prepaid account runs out we're done with the phone calls. I will not put any of my HARD EARNED money into him anymore...and he doesn't have anymore money and its not like hes making any in jail so looks like the universe will side with my head and not my heart on this one forcing NC
Okay seriously I need to go the ef to bed just wanted to pop in and say I wasn't offended or put off but any of what you guys said, I'll reply more fully sometime tomorrow...I have an hour and a half between my two 8 hour shifts tomorrow at least, today there was no break.
Just worked a 16 hour day (YAY MONEY) Wish I could tell you guys ignored his calls today but I didn't. Ended up caving. It was stupid. It won't allow me to let go if I keep holding on...okay seriously I'll be back to reply in the morning when my brain isn't dead...
I feel like when our prepaid account runs out we're done with the phone calls. I will not put any of my HARD EARNED money into him anymore...and he doesn't have anymore money and its not like hes making any in jail so looks like the universe will side with my head and not my heart on this one forcing NC
Okay seriously I need to go the ef to bed just wanted to pop in and say I wasn't offended or put off but any of what you guys said, I'll reply more fully sometime tomorrow...I have an hour and a half between my two 8 hour shifts tomorrow at least, today there was no break.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Caving and retrenchment aren't stupid...just part of the process.
I'm not going to tell you how many times I "re-fell" for the same
old lines.Sorry----I'm just not volunteering to lose face in front of
my SR friends!
Let's just say YOUR falling-down episodes are JUNIOR VARSITY
compared to mine.It took A LOT of body blows for me to wake up!
If it was just easy to go NC----I'd have just DONE IT LONG AGO.
It isn't.
I'm not going to tell you how many times I "re-fell" for the same
old lines.Sorry----I'm just not volunteering to lose face in front of
my SR friends!
Let's just say YOUR falling-down episodes are JUNIOR VARSITY
compared to mine.It took A LOT of body blows for me to wake up!
If it was just easy to go NC----I'd have just DONE IT LONG AGO.
It isn't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Well I am exhausted. This is my third day in a row of a 16-hour day. At least today I had a half hour between my first job and my second to relax at a nearby Panera and finally respond to this thread.
I am absolutely exhausted for obvious reasons so I will do the best I can to make sense when responding but not making any promises, lol.
Vale (Regarding your first post)
As I was saying in my very sleep deprived reply from Tuesday night, I know what you’re trying to say about feeling judged. I think it’s easier to feel a bit ashamed when you’re telling people you’re doing something that is exactly what they told you not to do… and exactly what YOU know deep down you shouldn’t BE doing. Like me talking to my EXABF.
It’s tough because you know everyone is right with what they’re saying, you know they’ve experienced it and are trying to keep you from doing the same but when you’re actually in the situation and feelings are involved it can be difficult to keep a clear head.
And that’s exactly how he made me feel. WANTED. But more than wanted he made me feel NEEDED. I felt like I served a purpose to him. I probably did, just not the purpose I though I did. I loved feeling needed, I love feeling important and he always said all the sweetest things… my parents told me when I first started dating him that, that was how addicts were, that he was just a “Con Man” but I fell for it. I thought he was different
I know everyone here is right. And I know that I am better off without him and his lies and his “cons” to make me stick around and to hide who he really is but it doesn’t mean it isn’t painful as hell.
It seems like you and most people here understand that.
L2L: You are right about me. I do know what that is. I was a Psychology major after all. I am not sure what draws me to men like this. I assume it’s because they have a way of making me feel like I am the most important thing to them. They have a way of making me feeling not only wanted but needed. They know how to gain my trust and read me and tell me all the things I want to hear and I know they are broken and want to fix them. It’s like the guys I end up with aren’t whole and I want to be the thing that fills them up/makes them whole. But if I person isn’t complete without someone else then how can you expect them to be in a healthy relationship? I guess in order to be with someone you need to be whole on your own. And I need to stop going out there and looking for men I can fix.
Fandy; You’re right. I know I need to focus on me and my life for once. I feel his Mom wants me to stay in touch with him because she just cant do it anymore. However, she can’t accept her son being completely alone in this world and she wants to put that “burden” on someone else. When the truth is we should both just walk away… I keep telling my self I can have it both ways, be happy and move on but not have him out of my life. Truth is that’s bull. I need to walk away if I ever expect to get better.
I just don’t know how to do that without feeling guilty. I do plan to get into therapy. I want to break this cycle and work on me. I can’t go through this AGAIN
BD: It’s funny how in other’s situations like with Colt’s Wife I am able to be so objective. When I can take myself out side of the situation I can completely see why I need to take my own advice. But then I let my emotions get involved and I justify my behavior by saying well ColtsWife Wants to actually stay with her BF and marry him and I just want to exchange letters! It’s different! Except it really isn’t is it… I’m still holding on to something I’m still hoping I can control him.
Out to Lunch:
I’m sure you’re right. I know deep down that I owe him nothing but I don’t know I really DO feel guilty at the thought of leaving him alone/ But that’s so ridiculous because he deserves to be where he is. He deserves to lose everything and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve my friendship. He certainly can’t give me anything from jail. I know logically there is no reason for me to stay….even as a friend. I know it’s dangerous territory but I really do feel guilty…but maybe I am just lying to myself to justify keeping him in my life.
Ann:
He says he “doesn’t blame me” but “being away from me was so hard” but even so he’s trying to shift the blame off himself and onto someone else. Like of if things weren’t like this I wouldn’t have used! And I think that’s part of why I feel guilt. I often find myself wishing I was “Enough” for him not to use even tho I know it has nothing to do with me and I couldn’t control that .
My parents told me to run long ago…wish I’d listened then.
Vale (Your 2nd post)
Thank you for saying that. I am beating myself up so much for answering the phone, for still crying over him and missing him etc...for having a hard time with NC even when I know it's the best thing...it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only person to experience this. And that people who have, have moved past that. I just feel so stupid sometimes and ashamed that I still have ANY desire to keep this man in my life when I know he is so much better of out of it =( you'd think that would MAKE it easy. But it doesnt
If I missed anyone I apologize I am about to walk into work and didn't have the time/energy to look over my post! Also apologize for any crazy spelling mistakes lol
I am absolutely exhausted for obvious reasons so I will do the best I can to make sense when responding but not making any promises, lol.
Vale (Regarding your first post)
As I was saying in my very sleep deprived reply from Tuesday night, I know what you’re trying to say about feeling judged. I think it’s easier to feel a bit ashamed when you’re telling people you’re doing something that is exactly what they told you not to do… and exactly what YOU know deep down you shouldn’t BE doing. Like me talking to my EXABF.
It’s tough because you know everyone is right with what they’re saying, you know they’ve experienced it and are trying to keep you from doing the same but when you’re actually in the situation and feelings are involved it can be difficult to keep a clear head.
And that’s exactly how he made me feel. WANTED. But more than wanted he made me feel NEEDED. I felt like I served a purpose to him. I probably did, just not the purpose I though I did. I loved feeling needed, I love feeling important and he always said all the sweetest things… my parents told me when I first started dating him that, that was how addicts were, that he was just a “Con Man” but I fell for it. I thought he was different
I know everyone here is right. And I know that I am better off without him and his lies and his “cons” to make me stick around and to hide who he really is but it doesn’t mean it isn’t painful as hell.
It seems like you and most people here understand that.
L2L: You are right about me. I do know what that is. I was a Psychology major after all. I am not sure what draws me to men like this. I assume it’s because they have a way of making me feel like I am the most important thing to them. They have a way of making me feeling not only wanted but needed. They know how to gain my trust and read me and tell me all the things I want to hear and I know they are broken and want to fix them. It’s like the guys I end up with aren’t whole and I want to be the thing that fills them up/makes them whole. But if I person isn’t complete without someone else then how can you expect them to be in a healthy relationship? I guess in order to be with someone you need to be whole on your own. And I need to stop going out there and looking for men I can fix.
Fandy; You’re right. I know I need to focus on me and my life for once. I feel his Mom wants me to stay in touch with him because she just cant do it anymore. However, she can’t accept her son being completely alone in this world and she wants to put that “burden” on someone else. When the truth is we should both just walk away… I keep telling my self I can have it both ways, be happy and move on but not have him out of my life. Truth is that’s bull. I need to walk away if I ever expect to get better.
I just don’t know how to do that without feeling guilty. I do plan to get into therapy. I want to break this cycle and work on me. I can’t go through this AGAIN
BD: It’s funny how in other’s situations like with Colt’s Wife I am able to be so objective. When I can take myself out side of the situation I can completely see why I need to take my own advice. But then I let my emotions get involved and I justify my behavior by saying well ColtsWife Wants to actually stay with her BF and marry him and I just want to exchange letters! It’s different! Except it really isn’t is it… I’m still holding on to something I’m still hoping I can control him.
Out to Lunch:
I’m sure you’re right. I know deep down that I owe him nothing but I don’t know I really DO feel guilty at the thought of leaving him alone/ But that’s so ridiculous because he deserves to be where he is. He deserves to lose everything and he sure as hell doesn’t deserve my friendship. He certainly can’t give me anything from jail. I know logically there is no reason for me to stay….even as a friend. I know it’s dangerous territory but I really do feel guilty…but maybe I am just lying to myself to justify keeping him in my life.
Ann:
He says he “doesn’t blame me” but “being away from me was so hard” but even so he’s trying to shift the blame off himself and onto someone else. Like of if things weren’t like this I wouldn’t have used! And I think that’s part of why I feel guilt. I often find myself wishing I was “Enough” for him not to use even tho I know it has nothing to do with me and I couldn’t control that .
My parents told me to run long ago…wish I’d listened then.
Vale (Your 2nd post)
Thank you for saying that. I am beating myself up so much for answering the phone, for still crying over him and missing him etc...for having a hard time with NC even when I know it's the best thing...it makes me feel better to know that I am not the only person to experience this. And that people who have, have moved past that. I just feel so stupid sometimes and ashamed that I still have ANY desire to keep this man in my life when I know he is so much better of out of it =( you'd think that would MAKE it easy. But it doesnt
If I missed anyone I apologize I am about to walk into work and didn't have the time/energy to look over my post! Also apologize for any crazy spelling mistakes lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
You will get there,FF.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You are in the arena.You know....the arena with blood,sweat,tears,
and medieval weaponry.All those high in the stands will analyze your
every move ad infinitum---(armchair tacticians being a dime a dozen).
But the difference is...this is your life.Not a game,not a pastime...
..the real deal.....the varsity......weapons hot....
My favorite line from "The Matrix" is Morpheus' admonition to Neo
---"there is a difference between knowing the path...and walking the path"
My point is....noone who has ever been in the arena will ever tell you
how easy or safe it is----or that the outcome is predetermined. (it isn't).
BTW...as far as the blood/sweat/tears go-----sh*tcan the tears part,
that is not something you want your opponent to see.
Perhaps,like me,you will wake up one day and decide:
"I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way any longer"
Best wishes,FF.....and best of luck.Should you stumble,know one thing---
Noone who has ever actually BEEN in the arena will be wishing for anything except
your getting back up again!
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You are in the arena.You know....the arena with blood,sweat,tears,
and medieval weaponry.All those high in the stands will analyze your
every move ad infinitum---(armchair tacticians being a dime a dozen).
But the difference is...this is your life.Not a game,not a pastime...
..the real deal.....the varsity......weapons hot....
My favorite line from "The Matrix" is Morpheus' admonition to Neo
---"there is a difference between knowing the path...and walking the path"
My point is....noone who has ever been in the arena will ever tell you
how easy or safe it is----or that the outcome is predetermined. (it isn't).
BTW...as far as the blood/sweat/tears go-----sh*tcan the tears part,
that is not something you want your opponent to see.
Perhaps,like me,you will wake up one day and decide:
"I am not going to allow myself to be treated this way any longer"
Best wishes,FF.....and best of luck.Should you stumble,know one thing---
Noone who has ever actually BEEN in the arena will be wishing for anything except
your getting back up again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Can someone tell me why addicts love to say "I don't remember" I mean really I asked him when he started using, not that it even matters, but he has nothing left to lose so I figured I could at least get an honest answer...he tells me " I don't know" I asked him if it was before his first crime, if it was when he was still at his first job or before other significant life events and he says "I don't remember" I mean WTF. Of course he remembers. Does he really expect me to believe he "Doesn't remember". But from the sounds of it he was using for our entire relationship. So he hid things from me for two years. Not just the last few months. Guess THAT explains why he never had any money. And there I was feeling guilty that he was paying for things. Pathetic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
FF,
They 'forget' because it is an effective tactic.Everyone forgets---so they get to
hitch a free ride on this common human foible.Most of us don't
'callout' people on this because we don't want
others to 'call us out' on our momentary lapses.
A common social accommodation.
Good liars know the ropes---or they'd just be mediocre liars.Thats why 'innocent'
people are so easy to trip up and get to confess to things they didn't even do.
Unpracticed in the art form---they are easy prey.
A good friend of mine was in the hiring dept where I work.He told me of a fellow who
was asked about a prof/qualification exam he had dumped years earlier.My friend wanted
to know the details,and even shared with the applicant that HE had dumped a test once
very early in his career.
The fellow replied..."I don't remember".My friend reasoned..."No way I'd hire this guy,
I could never trust him to work alongside me.Really?! You don't remember the day you
dumped a very important step towards something you've been chasing your entire adult
life?"
I dumped one once,over 25 yrs ago.I will remember every excruciating detail until the day I die.
"I don't remember"
Not credible.Not at all.Not even close.
Not remembering is a liars BEST weapon,a caveat so big you could park a truck in it.
Think about it.How can you 'prove' someone didn't forget something?
They 'forget' because it is an effective tactic.Everyone forgets---so they get to
hitch a free ride on this common human foible.Most of us don't
'callout' people on this because we don't want
others to 'call us out' on our momentary lapses.
A common social accommodation.
Good liars know the ropes---or they'd just be mediocre liars.Thats why 'innocent'
people are so easy to trip up and get to confess to things they didn't even do.
Unpracticed in the art form---they are easy prey.
A good friend of mine was in the hiring dept where I work.He told me of a fellow who
was asked about a prof/qualification exam he had dumped years earlier.My friend wanted
to know the details,and even shared with the applicant that HE had dumped a test once
very early in his career.
The fellow replied..."I don't remember".My friend reasoned..."No way I'd hire this guy,
I could never trust him to work alongside me.Really?! You don't remember the day you
dumped a very important step towards something you've been chasing your entire adult
life?"
I dumped one once,over 25 yrs ago.I will remember every excruciating detail until the day I die.
"I don't remember"
Not credible.Not at all.Not even close.
Not remembering is a liars BEST weapon,a caveat so big you could park a truck in it.
Think about it.How can you 'prove' someone didn't forget something?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Vale - You make a good point...
I guess the "I don't remember" tactic is a good one. Because how can you continue to pry someone who "Doesn't remember" then I got the "This is a recorded line let's talk about something else"
Yeah I think to cops are already well aware you're a freaking drug addict but that's fine.
I just need to stop talking to him. I mean literally every time I hear from him I end up crying, wanting to put my first through a walk or drunk.
How many times do I have to put my hands in the flame until I learn that it's always going to burn me? This guy brings me nothing but pain, sorrow, lies, heartbreak... it makes me so sick thinking about all the times I helped him out by "lending" him money I never got back and buying him food...and the whole time he was using.
As if I have the f***Ing money for that. I am barely scraping by and the several hundred dollars I spent on Peter Pan Buses to visit him, food for us when he couldn't afford it, talking to him in jail... etc well I could really use it.
As angry as I am at him I find myself wanting to just forget everything, pretend he is who I thought he was and have a conversation where we laugh and pretend everything is fine and dandy and he isn't a lying drug addict criminal whose sitting in jail for the next God knows how long...
It's pretty sick on my part, to want that. To want to be lied to and ignorant of the fact that I am being lied to so I can feel "comforted"
I guess the "I don't remember" tactic is a good one. Because how can you continue to pry someone who "Doesn't remember" then I got the "This is a recorded line let's talk about something else"
Yeah I think to cops are already well aware you're a freaking drug addict but that's fine.
I just need to stop talking to him. I mean literally every time I hear from him I end up crying, wanting to put my first through a walk or drunk.
How many times do I have to put my hands in the flame until I learn that it's always going to burn me? This guy brings me nothing but pain, sorrow, lies, heartbreak... it makes me so sick thinking about all the times I helped him out by "lending" him money I never got back and buying him food...and the whole time he was using.
As if I have the f***Ing money for that. I am barely scraping by and the several hundred dollars I spent on Peter Pan Buses to visit him, food for us when he couldn't afford it, talking to him in jail... etc well I could really use it.
As angry as I am at him I find myself wanting to just forget everything, pretend he is who I thought he was and have a conversation where we laugh and pretend everything is fine and dandy and he isn't a lying drug addict criminal whose sitting in jail for the next God knows how long...
It's pretty sick on my part, to want that. To want to be lied to and ignorant of the fact that I am being lied to so I can feel "comforted"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
FF wrote>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
As if I have the f***Ing money for that. I am barely scraping by and the several hundred dollars I spent on............................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"several hundred,eh?"......try:
1000
2000
3000
4000
5000
6000
7000
8000
9000
10000
'just sayin........if you want to feel like an idiot over a few C-notes.....feel free.
(but if you have ANY aspirations of rising to MY stratospheric level, the schmuck elite,
the pantheon of fools,the 'immortals of imbecility'.....you are gonna have to do WAYYYY
better than that).
There is a thing called a pecking order---and if you think you can just walk into
the Generals Mess and help yourself to a little wine....you best look down
at your 1 miserable stripe, PRIVATE!
Some 'senior' SR members have been at this codie gig for 30 YEARS!!!! (which makes
my $10K nothing but pocket change).
So,mind your place....get to the back of the line, and realize......after 30 years,and
countless sacrifices & endless pain & waiting on your part
----you FINALLY get to the front of the line.And then you get................
(drum roll,please)
NOTHING.
----------------------------------------
:rotfxko
<<<<< all in good fun to emphasize a point,don't take it any other way >>>
As if I have the f***Ing money for that. I am barely scraping by and the several hundred dollars I spent on............................
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"several hundred,eh?"......try:
1000
2000
3000
4000
5000
6000
7000
8000
9000
10000
'just sayin........if you want to feel like an idiot over a few C-notes.....feel free.
(but if you have ANY aspirations of rising to MY stratospheric level, the schmuck elite,
the pantheon of fools,the 'immortals of imbecility'.....you are gonna have to do WAYYYY
better than that).
There is a thing called a pecking order---and if you think you can just walk into
the Generals Mess and help yourself to a little wine....you best look down
at your 1 miserable stripe, PRIVATE!
Some 'senior' SR members have been at this codie gig for 30 YEARS!!!! (which makes
my $10K nothing but pocket change).
So,mind your place....get to the back of the line, and realize......after 30 years,and
countless sacrifices & endless pain & waiting on your part
----you FINALLY get to the front of the line.And then you get................
(drum roll,please)
NOTHING.
----------------------------------------
:rotfxko
<<<<< all in good fun to emphasize a point,don't take it any other way >>>
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I don't remember"
It is all part of the "lie" the cover up. ALL addicts play the same game in one way or another.
As for the "collect" phone calls, just refuse them, or put your recorder on and don't answer. The solution is up to you, not him.
It is all part of the "lie" the cover up. ALL addicts play the same game in one way or another.
As for the "collect" phone calls, just refuse them, or put your recorder on and don't answer. The solution is up to you, not him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
put a different spin on this Fens....you DO have POWER.
change your phone number, block his number, block his sainted mama and save your own a$$ a lot of further misery...what for? what are you getting out of this?
you have all the proof you need to know that what you thought was a real loving relationship was a sham on you.....you do not need to continue. He's in jail, he's staying there.
YOU are going to grad school, to your apartment and hopefully a great education and future. If you block him or change your number, he'll be setting up someone else to do his bidding.
Open your eyes to your endless OPTIONS and fantastic drug-free life....without all the drama and anguish. you might just realize that there are plenty of nice guys who will treat you with love and respect....but you've got to put yourself first.
go to the cellphone carrier tomorrow, they will prolly change your number for free.
fresh start? think about it.
change your phone number, block his number, block his sainted mama and save your own a$$ a lot of further misery...what for? what are you getting out of this?
you have all the proof you need to know that what you thought was a real loving relationship was a sham on you.....you do not need to continue. He's in jail, he's staying there.
YOU are going to grad school, to your apartment and hopefully a great education and future. If you block him or change your number, he'll be setting up someone else to do his bidding.
Open your eyes to your endless OPTIONS and fantastic drug-free life....without all the drama and anguish. you might just realize that there are plenty of nice guys who will treat you with love and respect....but you've got to put yourself first.
go to the cellphone carrier tomorrow, they will prolly change your number for free.
fresh start? think about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Several hundred dollars is a lot of money for a student but in comparison it could have been a lot worse. However, I am not working while I am in school, I honestly can't handle going to school and working. I tried it and it just didn't work for me. I have loans for rent but everyday expenses are on me...and they add up...I just hate myself for spending money on a lying,criminal scumbag thinking he was deserving of it, little did I know why he didn't have money....
It makes me feel so disrespected and unappreciated and betrayed. He knows my money is tight and he completely took advantage of me by asking me to pay his phone bill and letting me take care of him. He didn't deserve it. By taking are of his needs I just fueled his addiction and ability to buy more Coke.
How could I not have seen it? He was making 13 dollars an hour, he was on Food Stamps so food wasn't an issue (except he always SOLD his food stamps), he also sold Sobo occasionally and he worked a full 40 hours a week...I mean it was so stupid of me not to realize what was going on...
Money doesn't just run out like that unless you're using. And I had NO idea. I was completely blindsided when he was arrested back in April. I just wish I could get some answers, some reasons for why this happened. I wish I could have stopped him.
He keeps saying that me going away to school was so hard on him. That he isn't blaming me but if I'd been around I could have kept him on the right track. He keeps emphasizeing his good qualities and the good times we had together and it pi$$es me the fu** off. Like just because you freaking have good qualities doesn't mean you're not a lying scumbag.
THE GOOD TIMES DON'T MAKE UP FOR THE BAD. TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME AND YOU'RE SO SORRY DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR CALLING ME A COLD HEARTLESS B****. Which he did on more than one occasion.
He DOES know what buttons to push to make me feel sad, happy,guilty...I hate that he has that kind of power over me. After my last Ex I promise NO ONE would have that power over me again.
But here we are.
I know I need to make a change. I know that.
I'm 23 years old. I'm compassionate and I have so much love to give someone. I'm more intelligent than I probably give myself credit for. I just SERIOUSLY lack self-esteem. And it's killing me. Literally it's caused so many issues in my life...depression, alcohol dependence, abusive relationship, eating disorder...it all comes back to the fact that I just don't view myself in a positive way.
I know I need to work on that. I need to work on seeing myself as WORTH MORE than the girl whose crying over her coke head jail bound boyfriend with a record longer than the interstate.
My friends keep saying I deserve so much better. That I need to stop lowering my standards so much but it seems like the only guys I'm attracted to are the ones who seek out Codie's...
I just feel so stupid because I know I'm smarter than this. I always KNOW what I should be doing, that the RIGHT thing is and what the WRONG thing is so it makes me so angry with myself when I constantly choose to do the wrong thing. When I hold onto things LONG after there's nothing left to hold onto but lies.
It makes me feel so disrespected and unappreciated and betrayed. He knows my money is tight and he completely took advantage of me by asking me to pay his phone bill and letting me take care of him. He didn't deserve it. By taking are of his needs I just fueled his addiction and ability to buy more Coke.
How could I not have seen it? He was making 13 dollars an hour, he was on Food Stamps so food wasn't an issue (except he always SOLD his food stamps), he also sold Sobo occasionally and he worked a full 40 hours a week...I mean it was so stupid of me not to realize what was going on...
Money doesn't just run out like that unless you're using. And I had NO idea. I was completely blindsided when he was arrested back in April. I just wish I could get some answers, some reasons for why this happened. I wish I could have stopped him.
He keeps saying that me going away to school was so hard on him. That he isn't blaming me but if I'd been around I could have kept him on the right track. He keeps emphasizeing his good qualities and the good times we had together and it pi$$es me the fu** off. Like just because you freaking have good qualities doesn't mean you're not a lying scumbag.
THE GOOD TIMES DON'T MAKE UP FOR THE BAD. TELLING ME YOU LOVE ME AND YOU'RE SO SORRY DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR CALLING ME A COLD HEARTLESS B****. Which he did on more than one occasion.
He DOES know what buttons to push to make me feel sad, happy,guilty...I hate that he has that kind of power over me. After my last Ex I promise NO ONE would have that power over me again.
But here we are.
I know I need to make a change. I know that.
I'm 23 years old. I'm compassionate and I have so much love to give someone. I'm more intelligent than I probably give myself credit for. I just SERIOUSLY lack self-esteem. And it's killing me. Literally it's caused so many issues in my life...depression, alcohol dependence, abusive relationship, eating disorder...it all comes back to the fact that I just don't view myself in a positive way.
I know I need to work on that. I need to work on seeing myself as WORTH MORE than the girl whose crying over her coke head jail bound boyfriend with a record longer than the interstate.
My friends keep saying I deserve so much better. That I need to stop lowering my standards so much but it seems like the only guys I'm attracted to are the ones who seek out Codie's...
I just feel so stupid because I know I'm smarter than this. I always KNOW what I should be doing, that the RIGHT thing is and what the WRONG thing is so it makes me so angry with myself when I constantly choose to do the wrong thing. When I hold onto things LONG after there's nothing left to hold onto but lies.
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