My 1st Post - Giving our son an ultimatum; I know its a mistake
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I would not under any circumstances go into your son's house again, primarily because large quantities of coke and a gun sound like a very dangerous situation. You don't know who he's involved with and who's coming and going from his house. You are putting yourself in danger by going over there.
Also, most adult children don't want their moms letting themselves into their homes. They might leave highly personal things out of various natures that they would not want their mother seeing, you know?
Also, most adult children don't want their moms letting themselves into their homes. They might leave highly personal things out of various natures that they would not want their mother seeing, you know?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your son is an adult, his home is his home, your home is your home...IMO all the lines are blurred with you, it's like he is a little kid, not an adult.
To me,you and your husband are both snoopers and are attempting to control your son.
He needs to forge his own way, let him find his own job, let him find his recovery on his own terms, not forced by you and your husband...that will never work.
To me,you and your husband are both snoopers and are attempting to control your son.
He needs to forge his own way, let him find his own job, let him find his recovery on his own terms, not forced by you and your husband...that will never work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
What's your rational explanation for your son having a gun and large amount of coke in his house?
you seem so blase about the obvious fact that he is dealing.
his inpatient therapy might be a jail sentence, or will you buy him out of that little "problem"?
you seem so blase about the obvious fact that he is dealing.
his inpatient therapy might be a jail sentence, or will you buy him out of that little "problem"?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Mrs. D: I see this is your first post and would like to welcome you!
I applaud you and your husband for the positive steps you're taking. I hope you find information here at SR helpful, as I have.
One day at a time.
I applaud you and your husband for the positive steps you're taking. I hope you find information here at SR helpful, as I have.
One day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by Anaya 
Mrs. D: I see this is your first post and would like to welcome you!
I applaud you and your husband for the positive steps you're taking. I hope you find information here at SR helpful, as I have.
One day at a time.
I applaud you and your husband for the positive steps you're taking. I hope you find information here at SR helpful, as I have.
One day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Friday our son came by the house while his father was at work. He seemed fine. He always seems fine that is why this is so difficult. He asked if I'd had lunch and invited me out. But I offered to make us something so we could talk in private instead.
He asked me how much I knew about what happened with his dad and work. I told him the truth. I knew about the drugs, the gun in his car, some of the things at work but I don't know the details of the business as my husband has always tried to keep work things out of our personal life and he didn't make an exception with this. (part of me is relieved not to know all these details).
Son is so hard to read. He seemed calm but he is very angry at his dad for the way he handled things. Mostly he seems to be angry that his dad talked to his friend about the drugs and the gun. I think our son is a little afraid for that person to have that kind of information. I told him that his dad had full confidence this person would never let a word out and his father never confirmed who the items belonged to anyway.
Other than that he seems to think his dad was justified in suspending him from work. He said he had never seen his dad so angry. I told him his father is more scared than angry; I knew because I was scared for him also.
But I did not launch an attack and criticize him for using, or lecture on how he needs to stop and get treatment. He already knows these things, so there is no point.
We talked about other things; he ordered a new car but it won't be here for 6 weeks. The dealer gave him a loaner to drive until then.
He thanked me for dropping off the creme brûlée at his house the other day. I asked him if it was alright I went in and left it, and he said yes.
He said he has a job offer; thinks he will take it but he knows it's going to rub salt in his dads wounds. I honestly think this is part of the reason he wants to take it. I only suggested he be sure his motivation for doing this, is not to spite his father because life is too short, and he needs to figure out what is best for him, and what will make him happy, and be best for his career.
It felt good seeing him; he hugged me before he left. I forgot to ask for his new Cellphone number which I've been kicking myself about. But overall I felt good about our conversation and about how well he seemed to be coping. My worst fear was he would start some type of binge drinking and using episode.
We are having about 20 people over for a party on the holiday. I reminded my son and asked if he was coming. Suggested he bring a date, not to let the work situation come between him and his dad. But there will be old friends coming; some my husband does business with; everyone knows our son. So he said he didn't know yet if he would come. He would let me know later. He doesn't want to be around his dad & thinks he should keep a low profile for a while. It might be for the best; I just dont know at this point.
I feel relief. It is also a good reminder to myself that letting my fears run wild serves no purpose. I have to keep reminding myself to have faith.
He asked me how much I knew about what happened with his dad and work. I told him the truth. I knew about the drugs, the gun in his car, some of the things at work but I don't know the details of the business as my husband has always tried to keep work things out of our personal life and he didn't make an exception with this. (part of me is relieved not to know all these details).
Son is so hard to read. He seemed calm but he is very angry at his dad for the way he handled things. Mostly he seems to be angry that his dad talked to his friend about the drugs and the gun. I think our son is a little afraid for that person to have that kind of information. I told him that his dad had full confidence this person would never let a word out and his father never confirmed who the items belonged to anyway.
Other than that he seems to think his dad was justified in suspending him from work. He said he had never seen his dad so angry. I told him his father is more scared than angry; I knew because I was scared for him also.
But I did not launch an attack and criticize him for using, or lecture on how he needs to stop and get treatment. He already knows these things, so there is no point.
We talked about other things; he ordered a new car but it won't be here for 6 weeks. The dealer gave him a loaner to drive until then.
He thanked me for dropping off the creme brûlée at his house the other day. I asked him if it was alright I went in and left it, and he said yes.
He said he has a job offer; thinks he will take it but he knows it's going to rub salt in his dads wounds. I honestly think this is part of the reason he wants to take it. I only suggested he be sure his motivation for doing this, is not to spite his father because life is too short, and he needs to figure out what is best for him, and what will make him happy, and be best for his career.
It felt good seeing him; he hugged me before he left. I forgot to ask for his new Cellphone number which I've been kicking myself about. But overall I felt good about our conversation and about how well he seemed to be coping. My worst fear was he would start some type of binge drinking and using episode.
We are having about 20 people over for a party on the holiday. I reminded my son and asked if he was coming. Suggested he bring a date, not to let the work situation come between him and his dad. But there will be old friends coming; some my husband does business with; everyone knows our son. So he said he didn't know yet if he would come. He would let me know later. He doesn't want to be around his dad & thinks he should keep a low profile for a while. It might be for the best; I just dont know at this point.
I feel relief. It is also a good reminder to myself that letting my fears run wild serves no purpose. I have to keep reminding myself to have faith.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
With the new job, you and your husband will be less involved in your son's life. You'll see soon enough how he handles everything. Whatever happens, resolve to stay out of it. I really think under the circumstances your son working somewhere else is for the best, for now any way, for all of you.
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