My 1st Post - Giving our son an ultimatum; I know its a mistake
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by changeschoices 
know that this question sounds harsh, but I think that all of us face a similar question eventually when faced with a loved one's drug/alcohol use: do you want to end up losing everyone and everything for the addict, and then be left with nothing but the turmoil and pain of a life focused on an addict? The reality is that this does happen, time and time again, to those of us with an addict in our lives. We end up financially damaged, exhausted, and having lost family and friends because we drive them away or they lose all respect for us. Our lives are left in shambles.
Addiction does not just destroy the addict, it destroys the lives of those around the addicts. It's a terrible, dangerous disease.
Addiction does not just destroy the addict, it destroys the lives of those around the addicts. It's a terrible, dangerous disease.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
Last evening my husband came home from work and was suggesting that we go away for the weekend. He had already made some tentative arrangements, and expressed to me how distant he felt we were becoming and it wasn’t what he wanted. Maybe a change of scenery would help us relax and re-open the lines of communication between us because he doesn’t want the issues with our son to become “our” problem. I was touched by his thoughtfulness after my tirade against him the other night.
Having given it some thought, I realize at least to a small extent; I have been setting him up to be the scapegoat for my son. I want to minimize my sons unacceptable behavior at work, and raise my husband up to be overreacting, controlling, insensitive, and uncaring in the way that he is handling it. Truth be told, he loves our son with all his heart and would do anything for him. What he is doing; he truly believes it is for the benefit of our son. Its all just bitter to accept.
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Several people have asked; No, my husband does not have any substance abuse issues. He drinks in moderation only, and has never used drugs.
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Having given it some thought, I realize at least to a small extent; I have been setting him up to be the scapegoat for my son. I want to minimize my sons unacceptable behavior at work, and raise my husband up to be overreacting, controlling, insensitive, and uncaring in the way that he is handling it. Truth be told, he loves our son with all his heart and would do anything for him. What he is doing; he truly believes it is for the benefit of our son. Its all just bitter to accept.
~
Several people have asked; No, my husband does not have any substance abuse issues. He drinks in moderation only, and has never used drugs.
~
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by MrsDragon
Last evening my husband came home from work and was suggesting that we go away for the weekend. He had already made some tentative arrangements, and expressed to me how distant he felt we were becoming and it wasn’t what he wanted. Maybe a change of scenery would help us relax and re-open the lines of communication between us because he doesn’t want the issues with our son to become “our” problem. I was touched by his thoughtfulness after my tirade against him the other night.
Having given it some thought, I realize at least to a small extent; I have been setting him up to be the scapegoat for my son. I want to minimize my sons unacceptable behavior at work, and raise my husband up to be overreacting, controlling, insensitive, and uncaring in the way that he is handling it. Truth be told, he loves our son with all his heart and would do anything for him. What he is doing; he truly believes it is for the benefit of our son. Its all just bitter to accept.
~
Several people have asked; No, my husband does not have any substance abuse issues. He drinks in moderation only, and has never used drugs.
~
Having given it some thought, I realize at least to a small extent; I have been setting him up to be the scapegoat for my son. I want to minimize my sons unacceptable behavior at work, and raise my husband up to be overreacting, controlling, insensitive, and uncaring in the way that he is handling it. Truth be told, he loves our son with all his heart and would do anything for him. What he is doing; he truly believes it is for the benefit of our son. Its all just bitter to accept.
~
Several people have asked; No, my husband does not have any substance abuse issues. He drinks in moderation only, and has never used drugs.
~
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
My husband gave our son the ultimatum at the office last Friday, job or drugs. We went out of town for the weekend, and it wasn’t until we arrived at our destination that I found out. I was rather angry at first because he planned to take me out of town knowing the timing, but not telling me. But, after seeing how upset my husband was after going through it, I realized it was better we got away.
Husband basically laid out all of his proof of sons drug use, and the wrong-doings at work. Husband had went into our sons home and took out drug stash. He then took it to a friend who could verify that it was cocaine, and fill him in on how much was there and what it was worth. He got rid of the actual drug and replaced it with something to make it look like it was still cocaine. Told my husband not to give it to him, or if he ended up taking it from him; to go ahead and tell him he swapped it out because the quantity was so large that if he was selling it, then something like that could get him killed. Also, my husband took a gun out of sons car. Also had it checked by same friend to make sure it was licensed; It was, but he still unloaded it and used it as part of his proof of how out-of-hand our sons life had become.
Our son admitted to the cocaine use, but not to selling it. Admitted to the deeds at work. My husband asked him to tell him if there was more at work that he was unaware of, because if there was he would fix it. There was a little more that was admitted to. My husband’s big regret seems to be that after more things came out, he got angry & said a lot of things about sons character that he regrets.
Husband also had information on a couple of inpatient centers; we actually visited both places, and talked to the doctors, got advice, studied their programs, arranged for our son to be admitted if he agreed to either one. He basically told our son that he was being forced to take an immediate leave of absence. He would not receive his salary, comps, or any of the perks, but he would still have medical coverage. Husband was re-routing any monies due him during this time period to a separate bank account and it would be available to him when he got himself cleaned up. He told him he wanted an answer by Monday about the rehab; and he would go with him. Son asked if he could keep working if he agreed to get some treatment through a doctor on his own. My husband told him no. If he wanted to go that route for treatment that was great, but he needed some time off work to sort things out, and get healthy.
We came home late on Sunday; our son had left a letter of resignation, his laptop, summary of all his active work files, his cellphone, a note saying he needed a couple days to get a new car and that he would turn it through the HR person at the office.
Cant call him on his cellphone now. He never answers his home phone. My husband left him a message, basically told him he wasn’t accepting the resignation. He wanted him back at work, but not until he was healthy. Finished the call by telling him that our door was always open, and we both loved him and hoped to hear from him soon. Didn’t hear anything back.
I went over to his house yesterday. He wasn’t home, I have a key, went inside. Phones got messages on it, paperwork on the counter looks like he did get a new car; but there is no real food in the refrig, nothing is messed up in the house, looks more like no one lives there. I left him a note and asked him to call me. Told him I was sorry for what happened, that I loved him and I didn’t want it to affect our relationship because I really want him in my life as he is not only my son, but he is also my friend.
Haven’t heard anything from him yet. The hardest part is that I don’t know his state of mind; I know he must be angry, but I don’t know how angry, or hurt he feels. Or maybe he is fine but intentionally ignoring us, or is out there somewhere getting high and doesn’t even have a sense of time since he has no responsibilities to keep him in check.
Im going to go about my day as normal, husband is back to his office; I know my son is an adult, he is smart, and he will figure all this out in his own time. But it would just feel so much better to talk to my son; get an idea of how all this has affected him.
Husband basically laid out all of his proof of sons drug use, and the wrong-doings at work. Husband had went into our sons home and took out drug stash. He then took it to a friend who could verify that it was cocaine, and fill him in on how much was there and what it was worth. He got rid of the actual drug and replaced it with something to make it look like it was still cocaine. Told my husband not to give it to him, or if he ended up taking it from him; to go ahead and tell him he swapped it out because the quantity was so large that if he was selling it, then something like that could get him killed. Also, my husband took a gun out of sons car. Also had it checked by same friend to make sure it was licensed; It was, but he still unloaded it and used it as part of his proof of how out-of-hand our sons life had become.
Our son admitted to the cocaine use, but not to selling it. Admitted to the deeds at work. My husband asked him to tell him if there was more at work that he was unaware of, because if there was he would fix it. There was a little more that was admitted to. My husband’s big regret seems to be that after more things came out, he got angry & said a lot of things about sons character that he regrets.
Husband also had information on a couple of inpatient centers; we actually visited both places, and talked to the doctors, got advice, studied their programs, arranged for our son to be admitted if he agreed to either one. He basically told our son that he was being forced to take an immediate leave of absence. He would not receive his salary, comps, or any of the perks, but he would still have medical coverage. Husband was re-routing any monies due him during this time period to a separate bank account and it would be available to him when he got himself cleaned up. He told him he wanted an answer by Monday about the rehab; and he would go with him. Son asked if he could keep working if he agreed to get some treatment through a doctor on his own. My husband told him no. If he wanted to go that route for treatment that was great, but he needed some time off work to sort things out, and get healthy.
We came home late on Sunday; our son had left a letter of resignation, his laptop, summary of all his active work files, his cellphone, a note saying he needed a couple days to get a new car and that he would turn it through the HR person at the office.
Cant call him on his cellphone now. He never answers his home phone. My husband left him a message, basically told him he wasn’t accepting the resignation. He wanted him back at work, but not until he was healthy. Finished the call by telling him that our door was always open, and we both loved him and hoped to hear from him soon. Didn’t hear anything back.
I went over to his house yesterday. He wasn’t home, I have a key, went inside. Phones got messages on it, paperwork on the counter looks like he did get a new car; but there is no real food in the refrig, nothing is messed up in the house, looks more like no one lives there. I left him a note and asked him to call me. Told him I was sorry for what happened, that I loved him and I didn’t want it to affect our relationship because I really want him in my life as he is not only my son, but he is also my friend.
Haven’t heard anything from him yet. The hardest part is that I don’t know his state of mind; I know he must be angry, but I don’t know how angry, or hurt he feels. Or maybe he is fine but intentionally ignoring us, or is out there somewhere getting high and doesn’t even have a sense of time since he has no responsibilities to keep him in check.
Im going to go about my day as normal, husband is back to his office; I know my son is an adult, he is smart, and he will figure all this out in his own time. But it would just feel so much better to talk to my son; get an idea of how all this has affected him.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Drugs and guns: You seem to take this so very lightly, it startles me a little bit. Very scary. Very deadly.
I understand he is your son and you love him but that doesn't mean you have to accept his wildly dangerous and irresponsible behavior by telling him you don't want this situation to affect your relationship.
What are your boundaries about acceptable behavior? Do you have any?
Please stay safe and stay out of his house!
I understand he is your son and you love him but that doesn't mean you have to accept his wildly dangerous and irresponsible behavior by telling him you don't want this situation to affect your relationship.
What are your boundaries about acceptable behavior? Do you have any?
Please stay safe and stay out of his house!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
When my son was a teenager and I thought he was in over his head with drugs and alcohol, my husband thought it was "normal teenager" behavior-- we were not on the same page. As an adult when my son graduated to IV heroin abuse, I decided to set up my husband and I with a counselor. I wanted a third person to help us both get on the same page. It is very important for the two of you, too, to be on the same page. Your son will likely try to divide and conquer you and your husband. It's very hard on a marriage relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i've been reading this since you started posting.
Just what do you think he had the gun for??? shooting mosquitoes? (well they are big this year).
I really hope that you get some FTF therapy to help you sort this out in your head. the reality is very different from what you are imagining.
Just what do you think he had the gun for??? shooting mosquitoes? (well they are big this year).
I really hope that you get some FTF therapy to help you sort this out in your head. the reality is very different from what you are imagining.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,862
The value you put on the lost will be determined by the sacrifice you are willing to make to seek them until they are found.
The above may be true in normal circumstances, but when drugs are involved, it is a recipe for disaster. Making sacrifices for someone in active addiction does nothing for the addict and only serves to wear you down to exhaustion.
I agree you need face to face support and I hope you get it because you are in WAY over your head and have all kinds of misconceptions.
The above may be true in normal circumstances, but when drugs are involved, it is a recipe for disaster. Making sacrifices for someone in active addiction does nothing for the addict and only serves to wear you down to exhaustion.
I agree you need face to face support and I hope you get it because you are in WAY over your head and have all kinds of misconceptions.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It pains me to say this but....your son, your friend is not the same person anymore. The drugs are in control. I KNOW how much that hurts! I honestly do.
Your husband did the right thing, please don't forget that when your son's life starts to spiral down. Addiction is from the pits of hell and will continue to ravage anyone who allows it too. Protect yourself and your marriage! Have faith that your son will feel the consequences of sooner then later and will seek out help.
Your son's problem is not a reflection on you, your husband or your family. Sadly, it just doesn't discriminate and seems to be effecting more and more families. How you handle it, will make all the difference. IMO, your husband deserves a big hug and some comforting too. As a man, he probably has very few people to discuss this with.
Your husband did the right thing, please don't forget that when your son's life starts to spiral down. Addiction is from the pits of hell and will continue to ravage anyone who allows it too. Protect yourself and your marriage! Have faith that your son will feel the consequences of sooner then later and will seek out help.
Your son's problem is not a reflection on you, your husband or your family. Sadly, it just doesn't discriminate and seems to be effecting more and more families. How you handle it, will make all the difference. IMO, your husband deserves a big hug and some comforting too. As a man, he probably has very few people to discuss this with.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To be very honest, if I were a 29 yo I would be very upset that my mommy came into my home without my approval and read through my papers, as it is none of her business.
Where do you draw the line? When do you allow him to become an adult? Find his own recovery program, and live his own life?
Where do you draw the line? When do you allow him to become an adult? Find his own recovery program, and live his own life?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by MrsDragon
But it would just feel so much better to talk to my son; get an idea of how all this has affected him.
Most parents do not use their keys to come and go in their adult children's home.
Your son is minimally buying large amounts of dope, has a loaded gun in his car and has created " exposures" at his dad's business. These are not typical behaviors of someone who hit a rough patch and only recently turned to drugs for comfort.
Drug addicts develop an animal instict to protect and maintain their addiction.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
Mrs.
You have gotten a great deal of excellent advice delivered with tremendous compassion and sensitivity. I love that the folks on here can do that.. It helps buffer my " cut to the chase " style!!
Hats off to your husband for making the hard decision that needed to be made. He deserves a medal. Now, you both need to let him go. I know all about wanting to snoop and destroy drugs etc.. It can be a never ending, futile attemp to control the uncontrollable. Your son's career etc. is the least of your worries now. Addiction results in death or prison. He already dodged the prison bullet, thanks to his dad.
Your son must hit a bottom so he can start to recover. Your continued emeshment with him, may very well impair his getting to his bottom. I love the idea that you and your husband get into therapy.. and that you start to learn about co-dependance. Maybe even go to some 12 step meetings with family members of addicts. Get used to that word "addict"..and learn about the disease. It effects people from all walks of life and social position.
Buckle your seat belt. This may be a long road. Your job will be to detach, which is like defying gravity for a parent.
Everyone is here for you. Keep us posted.
You have gotten a great deal of excellent advice delivered with tremendous compassion and sensitivity. I love that the folks on here can do that.. It helps buffer my " cut to the chase " style!!
Hats off to your husband for making the hard decision that needed to be made. He deserves a medal. Now, you both need to let him go. I know all about wanting to snoop and destroy drugs etc.. It can be a never ending, futile attemp to control the uncontrollable. Your son's career etc. is the least of your worries now. Addiction results in death or prison. He already dodged the prison bullet, thanks to his dad.
Your son must hit a bottom so he can start to recover. Your continued emeshment with him, may very well impair his getting to his bottom. I love the idea that you and your husband get into therapy.. and that you start to learn about co-dependance. Maybe even go to some 12 step meetings with family members of addicts. Get used to that word "addict"..and learn about the disease. It effects people from all walks of life and social position.
Buckle your seat belt. This may be a long road. Your job will be to detach, which is like defying gravity for a parent.
Everyone is here for you. Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 5
My husband has abused many different drugs and alcohol over the years. The more his mother tried to help, or anyone for that matter, the more he did to prove to everyone he will do what he wants because this is what he enjoys and he that he didn't have a problem. Each time he quit it was because he had done something that probably should have been unforgivable, but I would forgive him and enventually the cycle would start all over again.
This time I had to let him fall, and he fell hard, nearly killing himself and me. Before that, His mother wanted me to force him to rehab, call an ambulance, call the police, let them take him, but I have been here so many times before. I discussed with her that I couldn't do that, he had to go willingly or hit that unforeseen bottom. And he did, I just tried to keep some distance and keep everyone safe. When he did hit it, he had been kicked out of two bars, been in a bar fight, isolated himself from people who loved him, driven home by the police 3 times, until finally his confused, erratic behavior warranted several calls to the police which led to a trip to the ER and inevitably civil committment. He is a good person also and, its still too soon to tell but, this seems to be waking him up.
Now I know I have to stand my ground and he has to face the consequences of all his actions, past and future.
We have watched our daughters date addicts and abusers, and it didn't matter that I ranted and raved about them finding a better mate. I would tell them "you should know better", why would you want to live like I have? You have seen how awful this is. It didn't matter. Until one day I decided that they had to make their own choices and I let them know that I loved them and I will be here to listen when needed. They have learned to make better choices.
It has been a tough, long road and I hope that I am making the right decisions also. Maybe there is something to be said about "tough love". Its tough on either end.
This time I had to let him fall, and he fell hard, nearly killing himself and me. Before that, His mother wanted me to force him to rehab, call an ambulance, call the police, let them take him, but I have been here so many times before. I discussed with her that I couldn't do that, he had to go willingly or hit that unforeseen bottom. And he did, I just tried to keep some distance and keep everyone safe. When he did hit it, he had been kicked out of two bars, been in a bar fight, isolated himself from people who loved him, driven home by the police 3 times, until finally his confused, erratic behavior warranted several calls to the police which led to a trip to the ER and inevitably civil committment. He is a good person also and, its still too soon to tell but, this seems to be waking him up.
Now I know I have to stand my ground and he has to face the consequences of all his actions, past and future.
We have watched our daughters date addicts and abusers, and it didn't matter that I ranted and raved about them finding a better mate. I would tell them "you should know better", why would you want to live like I have? You have seen how awful this is. It didn't matter. Until one day I decided that they had to make their own choices and I let them know that I loved them and I will be here to listen when needed. They have learned to make better choices.
It has been a tough, long road and I hope that I am making the right decisions also. Maybe there is something to be said about "tough love". Its tough on either end.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I think it will be good for your son to find work somewhere else where he has to face consequences of his actions and decisions. You are not doing him any favours by cushioning him and I hope you will see that sooner rather than later.
Your husband did the right thing. As mothers our protective instinct is huge, but we have to realise that our children are adults. One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was to treat my son and his choices with respect and as an adult. He has to walk his path. My attempts to take all stumbling blocks out of his way, kept him from learning how to navigate life in a healthy way. I didn't do him any favours by it.
Your husband did the right thing. As mothers our protective instinct is huge, but we have to realise that our children are adults. One of the biggest lessons I had to learn was to treat my son and his choices with respect and as an adult. He has to walk his path. My attempts to take all stumbling blocks out of his way, kept him from learning how to navigate life in a healthy way. I didn't do him any favours by it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=MrsDragon;3544307] I just had a similar conversation with my brother-in-law yesterday about how there is such a stigma, sad/bad, surrounded by words such as addict, rehab, and committed. None of us like those words because of the negative response that goes with it. We felt like that was degrading to the person we love here. How dare someone put him into that stereotype, right?. The truth is that there are so many painful emotions that go with those words that I don't think it matters what words are used those feelings won't change, they will just be applied to whatever words are used.
I think that society as a whole needs to look at these things differently. We are quick to judge and scorn. I just read this book, "Women Who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood. Although this book is more in reference to marital/dating, the jist of it is this: We learn to live this way, we don't know how to function without dysfunction, it is uncomfortable. In a sense we become "addicted" to the pain because that is what we know. To the same extent of the person escaping reality with drugs and/or alcohol the loved one is in denial as well. Maybe we just don't know how to catagorize it.
I don't want my husband to be an "addict" either. It does seem so generic and seems like it places him in a category he don't belong, but he is dependent on drugs and alcohol to deal with his problems and I am learning that I really don't know how to function without dysfunction.
OK, I am just rambling now, sorry
I feel very uncomfortable with the wide use of the term addict here. Someone replied that the behavior of their son had changed so severely that it was more of a comfort to use the term ‘addict son’ as it shows more of a respect for the ‘son’ who is lost in addiction and who is not currently visible. I can understand this, and see how it could bring a sense of peace. I am wondering if this is a thought shared by others here? Is that why it is used so commonly referenced? It seems almost generic in nature, like it is being used to take the person behind the addiction out of the equation.
I think that society as a whole needs to look at these things differently. We are quick to judge and scorn. I just read this book, "Women Who Love too Much" by Robin Norwood. Although this book is more in reference to marital/dating, the jist of it is this: We learn to live this way, we don't know how to function without dysfunction, it is uncomfortable. In a sense we become "addicted" to the pain because that is what we know. To the same extent of the person escaping reality with drugs and/or alcohol the loved one is in denial as well. Maybe we just don't know how to catagorize it.
I don't want my husband to be an "addict" either. It does seem so generic and seems like it places him in a category he don't belong, but he is dependent on drugs and alcohol to deal with his problems and I am learning that I really don't know how to function without dysfunction.
OK, I am just rambling now, sorry
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
If a family member broke into my house and stole my possessions I would have them arrested and charged. I never really gave it much thought in the context of it being anyone other than my addict sister or cousin - but then I guess in a sense my mother is also an addict in her own right - she's addicted to saving my sister.
Addiction doesn't care how much money you have; if Hollywood has taught us anything at all we should recognize that. It will be difficult for your adult son to learn to make mature decisions for himself if he is never allowed to be a mature, independent adult.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it's not easy and it will be a long time before it gets easier, but if you take the time to take care of yourself first and nurture the healthy relationships that you have, it will get easier.
Addiction doesn't care how much money you have; if Hollywood has taught us anything at all we should recognize that. It will be difficult for your adult son to learn to make mature decisions for himself if he is never allowed to be a mature, independent adult.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation, it's not easy and it will be a long time before it gets easier, but if you take the time to take care of yourself first and nurture the healthy relationships that you have, it will get easier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
To everyone who replied; thank you for sharing your opinions, thoughts.
My husband did what he had to do in regards to his business; but we would like to maintain the open door policy with our son in regards to our personal lives. He has access to our home; its his home too as far as Im concerned. If the situation with him were to change and we had issues with destruction of property, theft, or anything like this then we would make changes. But as I stated initially, our son is behaving in a highly functional manner at this point, and he is kind and thoughtful when we speak. Our son also gave us access to his home; keys and codes to the security system. I have never abused that. Over the years I have been in his home many times when no one was home for various reasons. I don’t regret going into his home the other day. I don’t regret leaving him a note. It was impossible to miss the information about the car because there was a folder with a logo, and other paperwork lying right on the counter. I didn’t pour through it, didn’t even pick it up.
Now my husband on the other hand; I did not approve of his going into my sons home and searching for evidence of drugs, searching other personal belongings like his car. It is out of character for him, but he really felt it was necessary to have proof to confront our son with. Son did not ask for the ‘fake drugs’ back, but my husband did return the gun to him. Its his, its legal, and although we would both prefer he didn’t have it; what would be the point of taking it? He would just get another if he wanted it. Not sure how Im supposed to feel about it. But I think there is no point in allowing my imagination to run wild; how would that help?
My husband and I have received counseling regarding the situation, and we will do more if it becomes necessary. Right now, I think we are doing alright. I was very angry with husband, but I have a much better understanding now of what was happening at the office, and I realize he had no choice except to remove him. Husband is very hurt by my sons behavior at work; he is taking it personally. He knows he shouldn’t, but knowing it and being able to do it are two different things. That is one thing we learned – you can’t take the actions personally.
Its very difficult, but neither of us plan to carry out an ongoing attack on our son regarding his use of drugs. I don’t regret the time we spent visiting the two inpatient centers, or talking to professionals who could advise us. I think it was alright for my husband to provide him with the information, and offer to go with him to check them out. Husband gave him a deadline which is what we were told to do, and since that passed, now it will be up to our son to initiate, or come to us and ask for our help. Is that correct/wrong in the opinion of most here?
It seems some people are recommending we go no contact with him at this point; but I I don’t feel comfortable doing that at this point. Although he has been no contact since this happened last Friday. My husband left him one message telling him that he would not accept his resignation, and I left him one message and a note . I don’t think there is any point in more; at least not for a while.
I will be honest in that I am hurt he hasn’t contacted me, but I know most of that is because of my own mom instincts.
My husband did what he had to do in regards to his business; but we would like to maintain the open door policy with our son in regards to our personal lives. He has access to our home; its his home too as far as Im concerned. If the situation with him were to change and we had issues with destruction of property, theft, or anything like this then we would make changes. But as I stated initially, our son is behaving in a highly functional manner at this point, and he is kind and thoughtful when we speak. Our son also gave us access to his home; keys and codes to the security system. I have never abused that. Over the years I have been in his home many times when no one was home for various reasons. I don’t regret going into his home the other day. I don’t regret leaving him a note. It was impossible to miss the information about the car because there was a folder with a logo, and other paperwork lying right on the counter. I didn’t pour through it, didn’t even pick it up.
Now my husband on the other hand; I did not approve of his going into my sons home and searching for evidence of drugs, searching other personal belongings like his car. It is out of character for him, but he really felt it was necessary to have proof to confront our son with. Son did not ask for the ‘fake drugs’ back, but my husband did return the gun to him. Its his, its legal, and although we would both prefer he didn’t have it; what would be the point of taking it? He would just get another if he wanted it. Not sure how Im supposed to feel about it. But I think there is no point in allowing my imagination to run wild; how would that help?
My husband and I have received counseling regarding the situation, and we will do more if it becomes necessary. Right now, I think we are doing alright. I was very angry with husband, but I have a much better understanding now of what was happening at the office, and I realize he had no choice except to remove him. Husband is very hurt by my sons behavior at work; he is taking it personally. He knows he shouldn’t, but knowing it and being able to do it are two different things. That is one thing we learned – you can’t take the actions personally.
Its very difficult, but neither of us plan to carry out an ongoing attack on our son regarding his use of drugs. I don’t regret the time we spent visiting the two inpatient centers, or talking to professionals who could advise us. I think it was alright for my husband to provide him with the information, and offer to go with him to check them out. Husband gave him a deadline which is what we were told to do, and since that passed, now it will be up to our son to initiate, or come to us and ask for our help. Is that correct/wrong in the opinion of most here?
It seems some people are recommending we go no contact with him at this point; but I I don’t feel comfortable doing that at this point. Although he has been no contact since this happened last Friday. My husband left him one message telling him that he would not accept his resignation, and I left him one message and a note . I don’t think there is any point in more; at least not for a while.
I will be honest in that I am hurt he hasn’t contacted me, but I know most of that is because of my own mom instincts.
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