Beautifulsoul

I pressed charges against my brother. now what? in reality i wanted them to take him to a place to help him NOt jail...it is such a mess. now they wont drop charges. i am going there to speak with the detective but i am pretty sure they will tell me no..that they cant drop them...if they do then the next best thing would be for them to actually arrest him but i fear that wont happen. and i do not want my brother to be put in jail for years...he is on parole and this is a violation so he would. i am having a major panick attack and havent slept all night. i feel like the police doesnt care. they said i could drop charges in court but my fear is that this is still a violation of his parole...what do i do right now guys? please help!

Seren

Hello Beautifulsoul,

It's true, they will not drop the charges at this point. I think the police do care. They care enough to try to arrest your brother so that he cannot hurt you or your parents. Please consider taking a copy of the police report and filing a temporary restraining order against your brother for your whole family.

If your brother shows up at the house today, call 911.

I know you are afraid, but if you allow your fear of him to run your life, you will never be free, and this will never end.

I totally understand your fear, by the way. My stepson has, in the past, threatened to kill three members of his own family, including his father (my husband).

I hope you know that I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just speaking from my own experience. I understand not wanting to see your brother in jail. Please do not try to shelter your brother from the consequences of his actions any longer. The constant cushion that you all have provided him has prolonged his descent to his bottom and have continued this nightmare for all of you.

Try to trust in the process. Let the police and detectives do their job. Please consider filing a restraining order, and please call the police if your brother shows up or calls and threatens any of you.

Many hugs and prayers, HG

suki44883

You did the right thing by calling the police. You have taken the first step toward freedom for you and your parents. You brother belongs in jail for all the things he has done to your family and he has violated his parole agreement, so back to jail he goes.

If he comes to the house, call 911 again. Keep calling them every time he comes over. I know you are scared, but do you really want to continue living with his abuse? You say he has physically harmed your parents. They deserve peace in their home and they will never get it as long as he is there.

Take some deep breaths and calm down. You did the right thing.

dollydo

He is going to have to face the consequences of his actions. Let it be, he is in the hands of the HP.

Try and relax...you did the right thing...you are just second guessing yourself.

Katiekate

Dolly is right, and if he doesn't then you will have to face the consequences of not protecting yourself. He did it, protecting him will only encourage him to do it again.

He is , and needs to be responsible for his actions, sober, high, drunk, whatever. There is no excuse for bad behavior from an adult.

I'm sorry you are so torn, let the chips fall where they may. You are in danger, you must protect yourself.

Learn2Live

Beautiful,
You absolutely did the right thing. I know you are scared and I also know you care about your brother and want the best for him, right? Let me tell you, THIS, calling the police and pressing charges against him is THE MOST LOVING, HELPFUL thing you could have done. I promise you.

Let go of the outcomes. Everything is going to be OK. It is not your fault he now has to face the consequences of his actions. HE was the one who chose to do drugs and HE was the one who chose to threaten and scare the bejesus out of you. And in this society, when someone chooses to do drugs and threaten other people, they must be held accountable. I thank God he did not hurt you. People on drugs are very unpredictable and when we think, "Oh, he's my brother (father, spouse, BF, etc), he won't hurt me," we are fooling ourselves.

You need to move your focus away from the outcomes of the actions you took to protect yourself, and start focusing on YOU and what you are going to do to help yourself and make yourself feel more safe and more comfortable. Call the DV line again; you likely will get a different person on the line who will be more understanding and compassionate.

outtolunch

You previously posted:

"Threats of him killing us have become very frequent. He demands at least $30 a day, has never worked in his life and has no intention to, and if we happen to not have any money, all hell breaks loose. He breaks things in the house, threatens he will get a gun and shoot us all if we dont have the money by tonight and more craziness. He is in probation ....."

When something like this happens, normal people call the Police and press charges. It's his behaviors, not the victims, that have consequences.

Threats and crimes against the family are common stuff because the family is most likely to not call the Police and press charges.

No one can help anyone who does not want to help themselves.

Beautifulsoul

Thank you all so much for your help....no i dont think you're being harsh...this is just pure hell...the problem is that he got physical so i called the cops and they filed a report so this is aggravated assault...i will speak with the detective again but i know they will not drop the charges. the warrant for his arrest could take a week. my parents will be staying at the house. i am staying with a friend but again it cant be forever...also i have 2 fears since they wont drop charges...1-them not finding and arresting him leaving us in serious danger...2-them arresting him and giving him too many years...the worst feeling is the fear for our safety...i know he is crazy on drugs....i just wish there was a better way to these things....then if they arrest me i would feel so guilty. i cant go back to that house unless he is arrested.

LuvMySis

Beautifulsoul, you did the right thing. None of us should live in fear for our lives. Nor should we accept being assaulted, no matter who is doing it. And it's against the law. Your brother committed a crime and should be punished. He's had more chances than anyone deserves. Never allow him to put you in fear again. You deserve to live in peace.

suki44883

Maybe suggest your parents change the locks on the doors, make sure all windows are locked and keep a phone nearby so they can call 911 if he comes over. The only way to stop this madness is for him to be gone, whether that is just gone on his own or in jail. If he knows that the police will be called if he comes around, maybe he'll stay away on his own. No one deserves to live in fear and he has bullied and manipulated all of you in an attempt to scare you from doing anything to protect yourselves. He belongs in jail and he belongs there for a long time. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He must face the consequences of his actions, just like any other criminal.

BeavsDad

They might not get him for a while. There are thousands of people with warrants that could easily be picked up if the cops had enough manpower.

A lot of them don't get caught until they get stopped for a traffic violation.

Craigslist has plenty of month to month rooms for rent.

Sasha4

Honey - your in panic mode....

You need to slow down your thoughts and take a few deep breaths. Try to stop evaluating every scenario. I know it's hard, I find it hard.

I often think in my head 'I'm going to do this' and when I do it don't feel as brave anymore and want it to all go away.

You did good.
You did what was right - not just for you, but your parents and your brother even though he will not see it that way at the moment.

Just try not to panic or worry

xxxx

Beautifulsoul

I would feel better if these people (the police dept) made me feel better or safe...they make me feel like i dont matter...i cant even get a straight answer from them. can they arrest his before a warrant is out for his arrest? that will take a week but what if i know where he is and want them to arrest him? if that is what they wana do might as well...but i wish they would drop charges. what can i say to make them drop charges and if i wana drop charges if the case goes to court can i do that?

dollydo

IMHO dropping the charges is the worst thing you can do. He needs to be off the street before he does kill one or all of you.

crazybabie

Beautiflul, trust me when I say that if your brother goes to jail it may very well be one of the things that help him hit bottom try to change your thinking from OMG my brother will be in jail a long time to my brother and family will be "safer"

I can tell you I relate 100% I have called the police on my son more times than I can remember, he is currently in prison and I am OK with that. I love him and have compassion for him but he did the crimes and has to be held responsible just like any other member of society should be.

Stay Safe

Anaya

I know how you feel. Initially, jail was the last place I wanted my son to be, but it had to be, due to his bad choices and behavior. If it's any consolation, you can survive this, life will go on, and once your brother is out of the picture, there might be a chance for healing, peace, and normalcy for your family at last. Are they supporting you (your parents and husband)?

As others here have emphasized, I still would continue to be watchful, careful, and don't hesitate to call the police and crisis hotlines when necessary; you and your family are very worthy and should be safe and protected.

Hang in there, beautiful soul. You made the right decision. You described panic attacks and seem to be in a bad place emotionally; it may take time for your emotions to catch up with your common sense, it takes time to reverse the process; at least it did for me, once decided we could no longer live as prisoners in our home and started proactive ways to protect ourselves - I was so used to living under my son's thumb (I am a recovering enabler) and bending over backwards to "help" him any way I could.

I hope you are in a better place today and are resolved to stand your ground. I am so sorry you and your family have had to suffer so. Prayers for your family and your brother are being sent up.

Kelltic

Hey Beautifulsoul, hope you are ok. You are in my thoughts & prayers. Went through this with a family member & jail was much better - and safer - for all of us - than when he was loose on the streets.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Beautiful, I just wanted to encourage you that you did the BEST thing you could for your family. I had to make that difficult choice to press charges against my son when he got out of control last year. He went to jail for grand theft and then rehab. We had a few good months and then he relapsed and is now no contact with us due to stealing from us again. If/when he is questioned by the police, he will definitely go back to jail for violation of probation and there is not one damn thing I can or will do about that.
You need to remove any feelings of guilt or obligation. No more excuses, our addicts do what they do because they don't want to quit yet. Let God handle this one.
Hugs and Support for you and your family, I know it is hard.
Love
Teresa

Beautifulsoul

Thank you so much for sharing your personal stories and support. What did ya'll call the police on ur loved ones for? I know that everyone says I made the right choice but it doesn't feel that way. Yet at such an intense moment like that, what choices do u have? Escape and call the cops or allow the physical abuse to continue? I keep telling myself that whether it was the right or wrong choice to call the police, it is done. But now I am really going through a lot. There are a lot of emotions...On one side, there is the waiting game. The warrent for the arrest isn't out yet and we don't know when it will be or what will happen. In the meantime, I feel like a homeless person because I am only staying in places here and there temporary. Of course along with this come feelings of confusion, fear and anxiety. And then the crappiest feeling is helpless and not in control. I want to be no contact with my brother but i don't want him in jail. I know you all say it is the right thing but I just dont want him in jail. I KNOW he has been doing some horrible things and i dont want to make excused but jail just doesnt feel like the solution. He has also mental health issues and I used to be very close to him before the pills. A lot of you say jail will straighten him out but he was in jail before and my goodness, he came out WORSE. It just really sucks because it feels like a hopeless situation. And now I feel like he will have it in for me for calling the cops because he blames everything on others and nothing on himself. How can I cope? Who can I talk to? I need some advice about this whole thing. And I need to become better educated about the system.

Anaya

SR is a great place to visit, to browse, and to learn.

Stickies at the top of the threads in this forum are helpful and informative. I also found helpful and inspiring the recent thread started by Ann, "In-Between - Language of Letting Go" (posted earlier this month).

I hope you, your husband, and parents are safe.