Nervous tonight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Rochester NY
Posts: 15
Nervous tonight
Well, it's been quite awhile since I posted. That's mostly because my daughter Kayla, 25 had been in jail for the past months. She had finally been sober, then violated a probation instruction. As a result, she served jail time and now has a felony.
So, she got out in June. I had hired her an attorney, hoping to keep her in drug court, but that didn't work. She went to live with her father, who immediately gave her shelter and a car. She seemed to be doing well for the past weeks.
I left her at our house to watch our pets this past weekend while we were out of town. I came home and noticed her face was a mess! And she had red marks all over her arms, along with an abscess on her abdomen. There was some change missing. She had taken the garbage out, although the rest of the house was a mess and after going through it last night with my spouse, we found a straw with tar like substance on both sides, a pen with no ink part, a part of an elastic shoe, and some tape. There were numerous candy wrappers throughout the garbage as well. She had reported to me that she had a "stomach bug" while I was gone. She also locked herself out of the house, when we leave the doors unlocked as we have 3 dogs and a passcode to get into the garage.
I know what this means. So, I have planned a family intervention/confrontation for this evening. I'm not sure if she will show up. Her father is coming, but feels strongly that she is not using heroin. He is however, concerned about her recent behavior and the fact that she's not going to her meetings lately.
My plan is to have each of us tell her why we suspect she is using and what we will do stop enabling her (like she won't be able to visit us at the house). I am toying with the idea of having her take a home drug test, but dont' know how accurate they are or if that will backfire.
So, I am asking for any advice you have.
This is the worst disease, it's just a daily struggle.
So, she got out in June. I had hired her an attorney, hoping to keep her in drug court, but that didn't work. She went to live with her father, who immediately gave her shelter and a car. She seemed to be doing well for the past weeks.
I left her at our house to watch our pets this past weekend while we were out of town. I came home and noticed her face was a mess! And she had red marks all over her arms, along with an abscess on her abdomen. There was some change missing. She had taken the garbage out, although the rest of the house was a mess and after going through it last night with my spouse, we found a straw with tar like substance on both sides, a pen with no ink part, a part of an elastic shoe, and some tape. There were numerous candy wrappers throughout the garbage as well. She had reported to me that she had a "stomach bug" while I was gone. She also locked herself out of the house, when we leave the doors unlocked as we have 3 dogs and a passcode to get into the garage.
I know what this means. So, I have planned a family intervention/confrontation for this evening. I'm not sure if she will show up. Her father is coming, but feels strongly that she is not using heroin. He is however, concerned about her recent behavior and the fact that she's not going to her meetings lately.
My plan is to have each of us tell her why we suspect she is using and what we will do stop enabling her (like she won't be able to visit us at the house). I am toying with the idea of having her take a home drug test, but dont' know how accurate they are or if that will backfire.
So, I am asking for any advice you have.
This is the worst disease, it's just a daily struggle.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What are your expectations for this intervention or as you worded – confrontation??
Is it to let her know that you know she is using again? Because you might as well go have that talk with the tree in your yard.
Is it to state your new boundaries of not enabling? Because you don’t have to state them, she is not owed a written or verbal outline of your boundaries – you just do them and stick to them.
Is it an avenue that ends with rehab? Do you have a rehab all lined up?
Is it to let her know that you know she is using again? Because you might as well go have that talk with the tree in your yard.
Is it to state your new boundaries of not enabling? Because you don’t have to state them, she is not owed a written or verbal outline of your boundaries – you just do them and stick to them.
Is it an avenue that ends with rehab? Do you have a rehab all lined up?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Rochester NY
Posts: 15
I am looking for a rehab now. The purpose is to let her know that she may not be in our home, may no longer take our cans/bottles, or work for money here. It's also to show her that we are all on the same page and we all support each other. I really want her father to hear how we feel, even if she doesn't listen, because he is also in such denial. We all have spent a lot of time recently with her; so this is a change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Much like you cannot control your daughter’s addiction you cannot control her father’s denial either. No matter who says what he’s going to believe what is easiest for him to believe right now.
As for the boundaries, change your locks and don’t ask her to care for your animals anymore. Keep your cans/bottles locked in your garage and if she calls looking to make some money just tell her you have no tasks for her.
Isn’t she on probation? If so, does she get drug tested?
Confrontations never ends well and usually leaves us feeling more frustrated than before. Have the family talk to her father individually one on one about their feelings regarding her drug use. He may shut down simply because he feels he’s being ganged up on much like your daughter will.
As for the boundaries, change your locks and don’t ask her to care for your animals anymore. Keep your cans/bottles locked in your garage and if she calls looking to make some money just tell her you have no tasks for her.
Isn’t she on probation? If so, does she get drug tested?
Confrontations never ends well and usually leaves us feeling more frustrated than before. Have the family talk to her father individually one on one about their feelings regarding her drug use. He may shut down simply because he feels he’s being ganged up on much like your daughter will.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
Start locking up your house and don't get involved. You may be her mother, but it is not your job to find rehab, food and shelter for a grown woman. It's her life to make a mess of, and hopefully come to her senses and turn things around. Leave her alone and let her get on with it.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
After some suspicious activity, I remember asking my adult daughter if she wanted to be treated like an adult or child, and to choose very carefully. She chose adult so I told her to get her **** together and get out.
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