I am Mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
I am Mom
Hi all. I am the mother of a 20 year old heroin addict. I am very new to all of this. She has been addicted to other things but has always found her way back. I just put her in rehab and now they are saying my insurance runs out in 10 days. She wanted to and knew she needed to go in. Now she says she is ok to come home. I am not sure if it is because she is worried about my money or truely feels she can handle it. I wont let her have any of her old friends in the house(they have stolen from me). My question is can and do I forbid (if that is even possible) her to see these people? And if she does does that mean she is using again? She is willing to do whatever right now (not sure if she is just saying that) so how do I guide her without pushing?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: monroe michigan
Posts: 35
Hold on loosely but dont let go.... Unfortunantly there is nothing you can do to stop her from using again. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself. The more you try to keep her from her friends or "protect her" the more she will want to rebell and pull away from you. Lets face it, at 20 years old she still thinks she know everything, or at least thats how I was. Keep the communication open and ask her how she feels. Try to get her on here or even go to meetings. Read all of the sticky's on here. And Pray!!! Doing for her will make it worse. Help her by not trying so hard to Help her, if that makes any sense. I wish you the best. It will be a long journey that will change everything you know about your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Instead of bringing her home, have you considered briefly funding a living arrangement at a sober living enviornment for a few-several weeks with the understanding that after that, she is expected to have a job and pay her own way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
I never even considered anything but bringing her home until i started reading info on these web sites. I have heard (from these sites) both good and bad things about sober living houses. I may be in a dream world but I would really like her to come home clean up start paying her own bills at home and go back to college. Im afraid if she has to live on her own that goal will be out of reach if its is HER goal. I am going to look into a local sober living house as she may choose that option. Thank you!!!
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
Hi Mom, I too am Mom.
You didn't mention when she turns 21 but thought this is something you may like to look into. It's in a nice area and the facilities are very nice. My AD is at the one here, and she's doing well.
The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center: Rehabilitation Program
You didn't mention when she turns 21 but thought this is something you may like to look into. It's in a nice area and the facilities are very nice. My AD is at the one here, and she's doing well.
The Salvation Army Adult Rehabilitation Center: Rehabilitation Program
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 10
No, I am not positive. My belief is that even if she didn't steal from me she brought people in my house who were capable of stealing, which is almost just as bad. All of my hopes and prayers are that she just needed help to get off of the drugs. Do they ever go into rehab and come out commited to staying clean? Does it ever work the first time. If there is even a glimmer of hope I have to go with it. I will not allow her to stay if the behviors start happening again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello DP, I also am a mother of a 22 year old heroin addict. He went to rehab both IOP and then inpatient for 4 months. Then went to SLE, where we seemed to be doing well. We would not allow him home due to many many instances of stealing from us. He relapsed after 2 months while in SLE and is now "out there". My advice is to get her into a strong IOP program as a condition of living at home and absolutely establish your boundaries. Boundaries are not rules, they are your internal commitment to what YOU will do or not do.
I pray daily that my son will hit his bottom soon as that is when he will decide if he wants to continue living the way he is living.
How long has your daughter been on heroin? The longer she has had the habit, the harder it will be for her to overcome it.
We are all here for you so please ask any questions.
Teresa
I pray daily that my son will hit his bottom soon as that is when he will decide if he wants to continue living the way he is living.
How long has your daughter been on heroin? The longer she has had the habit, the harder it will be for her to overcome it.
We are all here for you so please ask any questions.
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
My 19 yo AD completed 28 days of inpatient and is now at a women's sober house in a nearby city. It was really painful to tell her she couldn't be home, but it has turned out (so far--only a few weeks into it) for the best in several ways. Due to boredom, she decided ON HER OWN to go back to college full-time. The sober house has a rule that residents have to be working or in school 30 hours a week. She is struggling to make ends meet until she gets her financial aid and her state benefits, but this seems to be making her stronger not weaker. And for me, so far, the absence of drama and despondence and worry in my own home has been a real boost to my energy and happiness. I love and adore the girl I knew before heroin. I miss her. But having her in my home, in recovery or not, was just no good for either of us. Sure, she's holding it against me now, not communicating, etc. but I think this will be short-term. She knows she is loved. I have no money to give her, so that has helped launch her into the world, but even if I did, I really know now, as a result of the parents on SR, that I wouldn't give her a cent.
It sounds cruel, but I have realized I let too much go regarding her taking responsibility for her addiction out of my own FEAR. She was using for two years and I never knew...and I am an attentive and educated parent...My whole point is, despite our best efforts, our love, our money & other resources, the outcome of her life is hers. Someone here told me earlier this summer when I was really suffering, Let her have the dignity to live her own life. Her way. It really helped me step back and take a look at what motivated my behavior.
Do take care, of yourself, first of all. My guess is that even though you are a Mom, there's also much more to you than that.
It sounds cruel, but I have realized I let too much go regarding her taking responsibility for her addiction out of my own FEAR. She was using for two years and I never knew...and I am an attentive and educated parent...My whole point is, despite our best efforts, our love, our money & other resources, the outcome of her life is hers. Someone here told me earlier this summer when I was really suffering, Let her have the dignity to live her own life. Her way. It really helped me step back and take a look at what motivated my behavior.
Do take care, of yourself, first of all. My guess is that even though you are a Mom, there's also much more to you than that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
After I re-read this, I see a confusing statement: my reference to cruel has to do with how I initially felt telling her she couldn't live at home. When she was living at home my fear always dictated the terms of our relationship. Now she can make her own decisions and live with the consequences. I won't weaken her by being that "force" of motherhood behind her every move.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I think if your daughter was committed enough to find her own way to rehab (rather than you putting her in one) then maybe she could come out in ten days and continue the work necessary to recover. The problem is ten days is too short to get the drugs out of her body. It wasn't until the last week of my son's 28 days in rehab that he began to feel good again. At ten days he was still hurting pretty badly.
If your daughter is like so many other adult children who are living at home after rehab, she will not do the work. It is too comfortable. We as parents want our kids to see the chance to make a fresh start for what it is--but they don't--and hence begins the spiral downwards of our adult child. We as parents don't want to be the enforcer and it doesn't work to be one anyway.
If your daughter is like so many other adult children who are living at home after rehab, she will not do the work. It is too comfortable. We as parents want our kids to see the chance to make a fresh start for what it is--but they don't--and hence begins the spiral downwards of our adult child. We as parents don't want to be the enforcer and it doesn't work to be one anyway.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
I had always let my son (22) come home when he bottomed out and the 4 mo. on/2 mo. off cycle would repeat.
The last time, he got himself into an SLE and we assisted ($) for the first couple months.
He's put together a pretty good recovery period this time and I'd like to think that it's partially because we broke the cycle and mostly because he was ready.
One day at a time.
The last time, he got himself into an SLE and we assisted ($) for the first couple months.
He's put together a pretty good recovery period this time and I'd like to think that it's partially because we broke the cycle and mostly because he was ready.
One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome dogperson!
It is your right to establish what you will and won't allow in your home. My husband and I won't permit drugs or those friends of our son's we know are involved in illegal activities into our home. Our son rebelled against the boundaries but eventually, he (and his friends) got the message. I really don't think he hangs with his former crowd much these days anyway (his choice).
I hope your daughter continues to do well in her recovery, and I'm sending prayers for peace of mind and strength for you. Take care.
It is your right to establish what you will and won't allow in your home. My husband and I won't permit drugs or those friends of our son's we know are involved in illegal activities into our home. Our son rebelled against the boundaries but eventually, he (and his friends) got the message. I really don't think he hangs with his former crowd much these days anyway (his choice).
I hope your daughter continues to do well in her recovery, and I'm sending prayers for peace of mind and strength for you. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Hi, Mom,
I was mom to a 19-year-old heroin addict and currently volunteer at a local rehab facility a couple days a week. Based on my experience with my son and my many conversations with heroin addicts and their families at the rehab facility (as well as the many stories I've read on SR), I would STRONGLY advocate that she go into a sober living home when she gets out of her 10-day rehab stay, rather than come home to live with you. Ten days is NOT ENOUGH TIME to get any kind of a solid foot-hold on recovery, especially when the DOC is heroin. She needs a continuing program, and a sober living home can provide that much better than you can. Because she is young and because this is her first time in rehab, she is going to think that she can do this on her own when she gets out, that she doesn't need to do all the stuff she and the rehab facility will discuss as part of her aftercare program. Most likely, you will try to help her develop the structured living approach that the rehab facility will suggest, will encourage her to go to meetings, and she will resist. She may do what she is supposed to at first, but it will start to drop off and you will see that. You will try to be the enforcer, step into the role of sober living director, and she will resist. And then she will relapse. Misery for everyone. She has a MUCH better chance of success if she spends a few months in a GOOD sober living house, where there is a community of recovery, people who know and understand addiction, and where she will have to be accountable. It will also be better for her to be away from the environment where she had a history of using. If she was living with you before rehab, she most likely used in your home. All her old friends are around, triggers EVERYWHERE. Coming back home will most likely make it MUCH HARDER for her to be successful in recovery.
Heroin is a really tough drug to kick. I've had addicts tell me that they were into a variety of drugs, but when they got turned onto heroin, they no longer cared about any other drug - heroin is THAT "good." The long term recovery rates from heroin addiction are very low, and I see repeat patients at the rehab facility all the time - 4, 5, 6, even 7 times in. These poor young people JUST can't kick it - and they are all young, 18 to 23 mostly. I think their youth is partly to blame for their lack of success - they don't have the maturity to develop the attitude necessary for recovery.
Even if your daughter has the best of intentions upon leaving rehab, don't be shocked or devastated if she relapses. A consistent theme I see with addicts is that they don't respect the POWER of this disease. They think they've got it licked, that they are strong enough, that they don't have to focus every day on this recovery "crap" - the "terminally unique" problem - and then to their surprise, they crash and burn. This is especially true after the first time in rehab; many of them "need" that post-rehab relapse just to teach them that this thing is a whole heck of a lot more powerful than they ever expected it to be. But even then, after a second or third time in rehab, they mess it up. Because again, they're 20 (or so). They want to do recovery THEIR way. It can take awhile for the message to sink in that in this one area, they simply CAN'T do it "their" way. They have to stop trying to take control and do what they're told by the people who know. Very hard for a young person to accept that, and hard for them to have the patience to work through the often months of emotional ups and downs that their addiction has created (i.e., PAWS).
I was mom to a 19-year-old heroin addict and currently volunteer at a local rehab facility a couple days a week. Based on my experience with my son and my many conversations with heroin addicts and their families at the rehab facility (as well as the many stories I've read on SR), I would STRONGLY advocate that she go into a sober living home when she gets out of her 10-day rehab stay, rather than come home to live with you. Ten days is NOT ENOUGH TIME to get any kind of a solid foot-hold on recovery, especially when the DOC is heroin. She needs a continuing program, and a sober living home can provide that much better than you can. Because she is young and because this is her first time in rehab, she is going to think that she can do this on her own when she gets out, that she doesn't need to do all the stuff she and the rehab facility will discuss as part of her aftercare program. Most likely, you will try to help her develop the structured living approach that the rehab facility will suggest, will encourage her to go to meetings, and she will resist. She may do what she is supposed to at first, but it will start to drop off and you will see that. You will try to be the enforcer, step into the role of sober living director, and she will resist. And then she will relapse. Misery for everyone. She has a MUCH better chance of success if she spends a few months in a GOOD sober living house, where there is a community of recovery, people who know and understand addiction, and where she will have to be accountable. It will also be better for her to be away from the environment where she had a history of using. If she was living with you before rehab, she most likely used in your home. All her old friends are around, triggers EVERYWHERE. Coming back home will most likely make it MUCH HARDER for her to be successful in recovery.
Heroin is a really tough drug to kick. I've had addicts tell me that they were into a variety of drugs, but when they got turned onto heroin, they no longer cared about any other drug - heroin is THAT "good." The long term recovery rates from heroin addiction are very low, and I see repeat patients at the rehab facility all the time - 4, 5, 6, even 7 times in. These poor young people JUST can't kick it - and they are all young, 18 to 23 mostly. I think their youth is partly to blame for their lack of success - they don't have the maturity to develop the attitude necessary for recovery.
Even if your daughter has the best of intentions upon leaving rehab, don't be shocked or devastated if she relapses. A consistent theme I see with addicts is that they don't respect the POWER of this disease. They think they've got it licked, that they are strong enough, that they don't have to focus every day on this recovery "crap" - the "terminally unique" problem - and then to their surprise, they crash and burn. This is especially true after the first time in rehab; many of them "need" that post-rehab relapse just to teach them that this thing is a whole heck of a lot more powerful than they ever expected it to be. But even then, after a second or third time in rehab, they mess it up. Because again, they're 20 (or so). They want to do recovery THEIR way. It can take awhile for the message to sink in that in this one area, they simply CAN'T do it "their" way. They have to stop trying to take control and do what they're told by the people who know. Very hard for a young person to accept that, and hard for them to have the patience to work through the often months of emotional ups and downs that their addiction has created (i.e., PAWS).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by dogperson 
Do they ever go into rehab and come out commited to staying clean? Does it ever work the first time. If there is even a glimmer of hope I have to go with it. I will not allow her to stay if the behviors start happening again.
Your daughter was in for 10 days, just enough time to detox- just a blip in time.
Rehab does not work, ever. It's an opportunity for highly motivated addicts to learn some of the tools of recovery. It's up to the addict to use those tools or not. Sobriety and recovery are entirely the responsibility of the addicted person.
No such thing as a bad rehab. The addicted person is responsible for applying what they learned, if they paid attention and I am going to assume your daughter was likely sick as a dog most of that time.
Was this rehab 12 steps based? If so, does she intend to continue to attend AA or NA meetings, once home? Is she prepared to change everything about her life to avoid drugs and people who use?
Trying to control her and her addiction will lead to mutual resentments and does not work.
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