FenwayFaithful

Well after a two weeklong bender after ABF was arrested I’ve been sober 2 or 3 days. Haven’t been sleeping. It’s hard to keep track on the day.
I am so exhausted, depressed and severely anxious. Like panic attacks, constant high heart rate need to focus on breathing anxiety. I’ve had panic attacks since I was a child. I was in therapy for them and I know for the most part how to handle them but they are of course still scary.
I went to a singles event last night and hated every minute of it. I hate being single I hate small talk and I hate going home alone and I hate going home with a guy who doesn’t care about me even more. I miss my ABF (well ex). He sent me a letter from jai. His Mom has it. Probably asking for money. I should probably just not even read it.
Things just plain suck right now. My emotions are everywhere, I’m not sleeping, I’m not eating. Every time I go out I regret it.
School starts in less then two weeks and I’m not ready. I’m 100 percent alone up there. Not that it matters much since all I want to do is isolate myself.
I want driving today and a 16 wheeler truck cut me off and for a split second as f’d up as it is I was actually upset my instincts kicked in and I swerved into the breakdown lane
Not saying I’m suicidal I’m just…. apathetic about living I suppose.
Not exactly healthy.
I am going to get myself into therapy as soon as I'm back in school. But I don't feel at all ready to deal with the demands of graduate school. I am in an extremely fragile mental state.
My ABF wore me down to nothing and I feel like I literally have nothing left to give.
Not sure what the point of this post is. I'm about to go to a wedding which is the last place I want to be I'm slightly hysterical off lack of sleep and going to a place filled with alcohol.
I won't drink. I don't even feel like drinking. I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to feel happy for 5 minutes. I just want to rewind back to a time before my ABF started using and just be happy again just for a little while.
I haven't even cried yet since he's been arrested. I don't know why. It's like I won't let myself. I haven't been to Al Anon yet. I absolutely need to go. I just feel so alone. I can't tell anyone in my life but you guys on here about what I'm going through. No one would understand anyway honestly.
Not sure what I'm looking for here. Just needed to get that out. This is the only place I can be honest. Everywhere else I have to pretend to be okay and smile and act like my heart isn't so broken.
It's exhausting.

oooopps

This kind of mentality will always get you into the wrong type of relationships.

Fall in love when you're ready. Not when you're lonely.

I would avoid dating or going to singles event until you've done a great amount of healing from your experiences.

Another thing is, if your boyfriend wasn't arrested would you still be with him right now? Or if he is released early and wants to be back together would you take him back?

I read this quote on a blog that I'm subscribed to. I will share it here.

"Do not become possessive. The purpose of a relationship is to complement each other, grow together, and achieve your common goals as a couple. At the same time, you must each maintain your individual identity as a human being."

Think about what relationships means to you. It's better to be alone than to be in bad company... try to realize that being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone.

Kindeyes

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now. We all have times like that....

It sounds like you're trying to jump start your life again without XABF and that's very commendable. I had to force myself to go to meetings. I would get frustrated with the meetings or the people in it and I wanted to stop but I kept on going. I did it for me. They said "keep coming back"...so I did. I learned that I could get a little nugget to feed my soul each time I went if I opened my mind and heart. And eventually I collected enough nuggets that I could start giving back some of those nuggets to others who needed them.

We take it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or one minute at a time......but it gets better when we least expect it......

Its good that you got those feelings out of you here.......when we purge out some of that stuff, it leaves an opening for something healing to get in.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

Sweetie, instead of working through your pain, you are reacting to it. Rebound dating, drinking until drunk for days...all this does is hide from your pain, but it won't go away until you face it and work through it. Trust an old gal who hid from pain for years.

Take time to breathe, to set yourself on a better course. Skip the frills, parties and other dates, just find your balance again. Meetings helped me do that, maybe find one and get there before you crash again.

Just suggesting what may help.

Hugs

Vale

FF,there are few here who don't understand.
Be good to yourself.Do something nice just
for you today.And when you need to spill----
you know where SR is.
An inconvenient website to be sure----it
eliminates the canard that "nobody cares".

You will get through this----and then tell
us all of your victories.Getting through any
addictive episode is rough.
(do not be too hard on yourself)

FenwayFaithful

Thank you all again for your kind words and understanding.

The wedding wasn’t so bad. It was actually nice to see my family. Lots of beer and wine but I stuck to Diet Coke and Water. Yay me I guess.

I didn’t intend to go to that singles night. My friends took me telling me we were just going to dinner. But they thought I needed to just be thrown back into it…yeah. They now realize I just need some time. I just don’t feel ready.

I know I’m not dealing with the pain. I never do. I shove it down by focusing on fixing someone else’s pain or I drunk or I do something else to distract me from it. I don’t know how to deal with it. How do you face the gut wrenching pain? I mean how do you begin to heal? What do you do?

I am going to meeting as much as possible once I’m back in my apartment I think Al Anon will help me a lot I really do need to make those connections.

I want to start getting pieces of myself back. I want to be happy with myself on my own. I don’t want to have to depend on someone else or something else. I just don’t know how to get there. Where do you start?

And if my ex didn’t get arrested it’s hard to say where we’d be. He told me he was using and had been lying about it for months. I’d always known but I didn’t have hard evidence until a few weeks ago. I presented him with it and he denied it at first. Then he admitted to me he’d been using and he asked me to stay with him, to support him through this and IDK a part of me knew I needed to leave but…

Somehow being with him was easier then facing the pain of being without him. Even tho he caused me so much stress and pain and stress and he was so wrong for me…still this pain I knew would come that I’m expericing now was too scary…sometimes I wonder if this I s God’s way of keeping me on the right trash. Cos chances are I never would have left im. I always would have found a reason to stay.

dollydo

Might be time for you to get yourself into rehab. Not trying to be harsh, but, you are as sick as he is, alcoholism and codependency, both may require intense treatment.

You are so young, fix yourself now, for you and your future.

FenwayFaithful

I tried to get into rehab a couple years ago when the drinking was FAR worse.

The way it works in Mass is you need to go to Detox first to get into a rehab program normally. You can really only get insurance to cover a 5 days Detox most of the time...and basically they said I didn't qualify.

I'm not sure I need rehab but I could probably use a program. I have a feeling Ill end up in something. IDK I'm just hoping it doesn't come down to that.

I'm hoping I can drag myself back up.

lightseeker

Hi FF.....

Sounds like you are dealing with a lot of pain and coping with it in ways that help you to numb it. I've done the same thing in the past. About 5 years ago I spent 2 1/2 years in AA due to the way that I was using alcohol to deal with my pain. I learned a lot and it helped me a whole lot to stay away from alcohol for a good while.

What I learned is that I am not an alcoholic but that I have used relationships and alcohol to deal with the pain. By working a strong program I developed skills and resources that allowed me to take better care of myself and find healthier ways to deal with my pain.

Although I discovered in the long run that AA wasn't the right program for me it was a great place for me in the short run. As they say - only you can determine if your drinking is causing problems for you in your life and whether you want to quit. I loved that community. As time went on I realized that my issues were more Alanon related and that is where I am now. Recovery is recovery though - you might want to try a number of different meetings and fellowships.

You are recognizing that you are coping with pain in ways that you don't like - and that you have a history of doing that.....trust me.....you can blast through life using one thing or another to deal with the pain and simply cause more pain for yourself and the people that love you.

The wonderful thing is that there are places that you can go for help - and they are virtually free.