1st time poster, long time enabler
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 38
1st time poster, long time enabler
Well I have finally worked up the courage to post in here, though I've been a reader for quite a while. I dropped my AH off at his grandmas house (200 miles away) yesterday. We have been together for 11 years, married for 7, and we have 9 year old twins. We met as teenagers and both used recreationally. Life happened and it pushed me to grow up and stop using. He, however, has just gotten worse. Within the last 2 years he became addicted to pills, then moved on to heroin and occasionally crack. I have 6 loans out that I got so I could pay bills bc all his money (and most of mine) went to drugs. 2 months ago he totaled our car and then realized he needed help. He spent 2 weeks in rehab (that's all our insurance covered) and came home feeling and seeming a little better. It didn't last and so now I'm back to screwed...found out he stole all my moms jewelry, 2 of my dads guns, and 2 digital cameras last week. He says he pawned them but cannot produce the pawn tickets. I'm trying to decide what to do about that... On top of that, he lost his job and now I have to take my kids and move back to my parents house. There is so much more, but I'm feeling overwhelmed just thinking about it all. I look forward to learning from all of you. I love my husband but he finally found my limit and I'm beyond sad about my whole life. Thanks for reading my ramblings...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Grateful6982,
I lurked for a long time before I posted.These people have spouses
and kids fighting with addiction---they are just going to laugh at me getting
caught up with 'helping' a mere acquaintance.
But nobody laughed.Nobody called me an idiot or a sucker or all
the other things I was expecting.Instead, they understood and shared
useful things that materially helped me.I know they will welcome you
as they did me.
Addiction is one varsity level challenge----even moreso when you
feel you are dealing with it all alone.Welcome to SR.
(if ramblings were unwelcome here--I would have been
booted off SR long ago!!!)
I lurked for a long time before I posted.These people have spouses
and kids fighting with addiction---they are just going to laugh at me getting
caught up with 'helping' a mere acquaintance.
But nobody laughed.Nobody called me an idiot or a sucker or all
the other things I was expecting.Instead, they understood and shared
useful things that materially helped me.I know they will welcome you
as they did me.
Addiction is one varsity level challenge----even moreso when you
feel you are dealing with it all alone.Welcome to SR.
(if ramblings were unwelcome here--I would have been
booted off SR long ago!!!)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
"I'm beyond sad about my whole life."
Your whole life probably includes many noble qualities and admirable actions, of love and of kindness toward your children and others, of brave responses to frightening situations. Your whole life is not a mirror of what your husband has been doing with his life. His actions have not been noble nor admirable, loving nor kind nor brave. Separate him out, in your thinking of who you are and what your life is.
"Long-time enabler." It is good that you have stopped. Enabling helps addicts hurt themselves and hurt everyone around them.
While you are at your parents' house, get some rest, eat well, read books on addiction and codependency, build your relationship with God, and be grateful you and your children have safe harbor.
Your addict husband is going to continue using and your children should never have to deal with that in their home. They need to be protected from his craziness and your desperation. So you are in a good place today, with your parents (provided neither of them is an addict). Use this place to start rebuilding the foundation of your life, both internally and outwardly. Staying with the addict would only contribute to the crumbling to dust of whatever foundation was barely there.
You will need help. If you cannot afford counseling, attend meetings, for your thinking will veer back into unhealthy codependent illusions and rationalizations if you do not.
Separating from an active addict is a hopeful act, not one of catastrophe. The catastrophe would be to stay and continue allowing his disease to destroy your family.
The local library is a good place to start reading and growing. Your children can go, too.
Wishing you hopefulness. Things will get better.
Your whole life probably includes many noble qualities and admirable actions, of love and of kindness toward your children and others, of brave responses to frightening situations. Your whole life is not a mirror of what your husband has been doing with his life. His actions have not been noble nor admirable, loving nor kind nor brave. Separate him out, in your thinking of who you are and what your life is.
"Long-time enabler." It is good that you have stopped. Enabling helps addicts hurt themselves and hurt everyone around them.
While you are at your parents' house, get some rest, eat well, read books on addiction and codependency, build your relationship with God, and be grateful you and your children have safe harbor.
Your addict husband is going to continue using and your children should never have to deal with that in their home. They need to be protected from his craziness and your desperation. So you are in a good place today, with your parents (provided neither of them is an addict). Use this place to start rebuilding the foundation of your life, both internally and outwardly. Staying with the addict would only contribute to the crumbling to dust of whatever foundation was barely there.
You will need help. If you cannot afford counseling, attend meetings, for your thinking will veer back into unhealthy codependent illusions and rationalizations if you do not.
Separating from an active addict is a hopeful act, not one of catastrophe. The catastrophe would be to stay and continue allowing his disease to destroy your family.
The local library is a good place to start reading and growing. Your children can go, too.
Wishing you hopefulness. Things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hi there.....welcome to SR. I hope you find support and comfort here. I did.
Although this may feel like a catastrophic ending, it is really a beginning for you if you choose to look at it as such. Sometimes we need to remove the rubble of our past in order to build a strong foundation for our future.
I was once so caught up in the activities of the addicts in my life that I lost myself. I was simply an extension of their addiction. It took me a while but I did reconnect with ME. We are very very big on self care around here. Often we get so caught up in trying to hold the pieces of our life together, that there is no time or energy left to care for ourselves.
Take care of you.......first. There is nothing selfish about that. You can't take care of your children well.....if you aren't well first.
I hope you stick around. Read. Ask questions. Vent. Seek out F2F help (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon are good sources for this). And learn to take care of you. It all helps immensely.
We'll walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Although this may feel like a catastrophic ending, it is really a beginning for you if you choose to look at it as such. Sometimes we need to remove the rubble of our past in order to build a strong foundation for our future.
I was once so caught up in the activities of the addicts in my life that I lost myself. I was simply an extension of their addiction. It took me a while but I did reconnect with ME. We are very very big on self care around here. Often we get so caught up in trying to hold the pieces of our life together, that there is no time or energy left to care for ourselves.
Take care of you.......first. There is nothing selfish about that. You can't take care of your children well.....if you aren't well first.
I hope you stick around. Read. Ask questions. Vent. Seek out F2F help (Al-Anon or Nar-Anon are good sources for this). And learn to take care of you. It all helps immensely.
We'll walk with you. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 38
Thank u all for the kind words. I haven't moved into my parents yet, but will be within a month. I have been very humbled today by the support from my friends and family. I know I will be ok it is just going to take time and probably a lot more tears. Even though my heart aches for the loss of the man he used to be, my head tells me that the man he is now is not good enough for me and my kids. I really look forward to the support I will receive from everyone here and hope that one day I will be in the position to give that support back.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR ~
I am so sorry Grateful for your current situation. Addiction is really from the pits of hell. As said in alanon - nothing changes if nothing changes. Make this change the best thing you have ever done and start getting healthy. It's a process and work but well worth it. YOu and your twins are worth it!
Please keep reading and posting. It really helps too.
I am so sorry Grateful for your current situation. Addiction is really from the pits of hell. As said in alanon - nothing changes if nothing changes. Make this change the best thing you have ever done and start getting healthy. It's a process and work but well worth it. YOu and your twins are worth it!
Please keep reading and posting. It really helps too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
HANG IN THERE!!!!!!! It could be tough, I know... just lookout for yourself! -- it is also your process of detoxing.
This article is great: Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
This article is great: Addictions, Lies, and Relationships, article by Floyd P. Garrett, MD - Addiction Survivors Peer-Support Forum
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Please take care of yourself. You need to be strong for your children and your own sanity. I stayed in a marriage with AH hiding his addiction from his children thinking I was staying for the sake of their happiness and well being, I kept hoping the good man I married would be strong enough to come back. I lived through years of chaos, sorrow, emotional pain that made me unhealthy and created an unhealthy environment for the kids. I became just as sick as he is. This disease is progressive -- I would read all the stories and rationalize into my situation is not that bad, AH would never do that, I'm staying with him to protect my kids from being hurt and having their family torn apart. In the end, I reached my rock bottom when he spiraled out of control and I realized that by staying I actually endangered the safety of my children. I focused so much on trying to get him clean that I ignored my needs and my kids needs. I realized that all I was doing was allowing this horrible disease to take us down with him. I let go to protect me and my kids. He is in recovery now, but, I've filed for divorce, He has supervised visits with his boys and has to rebuild himself. It's not easy, however, all I know is the only thing I can do something about is working on myself so that I can give the support and guidance my kids need to have their own healthy lives. Stay strong and protect yourself. You didn't cause it, you can control it or cure it. But it will take you down. Only he can help himself. Try to get to a meeting or find a therapist, your children and you deserve it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 38
Again, I appreciate all the support. I have been reading on the forums all morning and the insight from others in my situation is really beyond valuable. My AH called last night to let me know that he was ready to really tell me what has been going on. I was with a friend so I let him know that he would have to call me in the morning. He has yet to admit that has been using, he swears he is sober (just like I am the Queen of England). I hope that we will be able to have an honest conversation, but I also know that it won't change anything. I am willing to listen, not willing to let him back in my life. I am choosing to focus on what I can change and how I can grow. He has left me completely broke, with no car, and more bills than I can count, but I just have to take one thing at a time and trust that it will get better. Patience has never been something that comes easy to me so it will be difficult, but I can do it. If I have survived this long, with all the drama and chaos, I can survive long enough to get rid of it!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I agree about consulting a lawyer.
There is a lot of financial aid available for you to go to college--if you haven't--perhaps a two-year training program at a local community college. I mean aid, and not loans, you will not have to take on more debt.
You will absolutely qualify for federal aid, and if you live with your parents while you are attending, you will provide a safe environment for your children and also make excellent use of the opportunity to take control of your future. A visit to the financial aid office of the local community college will be of great benefit to you. The community colleges where I live are very placement-oriented and assist graduates with getting right into work.
I became a single parent when my child was 18 months old. I already had a college degree but I wanted a graduate degree. I was able to get financial aid, live in student family housing, work part-time on campus, send my child to the university day care center, and rely on bus transportation for going back and forth. I had no family help, no savings, and no child support, and I still managed it. It was one of the happiest times of my life. My child also thrived.
Try not to wait to see what your husband will do next. Decide what is best for you, and do that now. It will be a challenge living with your parents, but if you have stimulating work or studies, the time will fly, you'll make new friends, and your children will love having a happy mother.
There is a lot of financial aid available for you to go to college--if you haven't--perhaps a two-year training program at a local community college. I mean aid, and not loans, you will not have to take on more debt.
You will absolutely qualify for federal aid, and if you live with your parents while you are attending, you will provide a safe environment for your children and also make excellent use of the opportunity to take control of your future. A visit to the financial aid office of the local community college will be of great benefit to you. The community colleges where I live are very placement-oriented and assist graduates with getting right into work.
I became a single parent when my child was 18 months old. I already had a college degree but I wanted a graduate degree. I was able to get financial aid, live in student family housing, work part-time on campus, send my child to the university day care center, and rely on bus transportation for going back and forth. I had no family help, no savings, and no child support, and I still managed it. It was one of the happiest times of my life. My child also thrived.
Try not to wait to see what your husband will do next. Decide what is best for you, and do that now. It will be a challenge living with your parents, but if you have stimulating work or studies, the time will fly, you'll make new friends, and your children will love having a happy mother.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 38
Funny that some of you say I need to get a lawyer...I actually work at a law firm. I am doing much better today. Still feeling overwhelmed with life, but able to do what needs to be done. I talked to him yesterday and he finally admitted that he has been using heroin again. I listened while he told me a bunch of stuff that I already knew, but had yet to hear from his mouth. It was nice to hear the truth, but it didn't change anything. I think he was expecting me to cave in and ask him back home, but that isn't going to happen. He said he wants to look into a sober living house. I think that would be the best bet for him. He needs that daily attention. I gave his grandma the # for the Salvation Army but that is all I am doing to help. He needs to do this himself. The most difficult part for me right now is knowing that my kids are so sad that he is gone. We had a long talk while eating dinner last night and I was very honest but gentle about the whole situation. They seem to understand, but when my son says "it just feels incomplete without dad here" it just breaks my heart. I will be strong for them and for me. They are my life. Thanks again for listening to my ramblings...it's nice to get these feelings out.
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