Judyw

New to forum...mom of addict..or not?

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I am just discovering my son has been using heroin (among many other drugs) It would take me 3 pages to write a full history of our life and how we got here.. I will instead write a brief summary and elaborate as needed. I just don't have the energy right now..have been up for the last 3 nights unable to sleep.
He is 20 years old, has been smoking pot since he was around 13 (according to him) Our life has been volatile to say theleast. I am happily married to his father for 22 years and we have 4 boys all together, this one being the oldest.
I have wondered over the years if he had some type of borderline personality disorder..we/he have done some counseling but it never seemed to help much.
His friend told us 3 days ago (after a huge blow up at home at which point the cops had to be called..not the first time) that he has been using heroin for 4 years.. the length of time is debatable...I am hearing conflicting times. But that doesn't matter..if he is using he is using..period.
He says he has been clean for over a week...he doesn't "need" to use..although he was taking someones prescription suboxon (sic?) and went through my husbands entire bottle of kolonopin (stole it) but he said he did that because he was bored..
He denies "needing" the heroin..he just wants to come home (we asked hinm to leave the night we found out)
I am soooo confused/tired/worried. His behavior has been so erratic for so many years..I don't even know who he really is anymore. There would be brief glimpses of a happy person now and then but he has been a very unhappy young man for many years.
I am going to attend a nar-anon meeting tonight along with my husband.
Okay, that's a short history.. I guess my number one question is this ...is it possible to be a "casual" heroin user and not be addicted (he snorts it by the way) or is there no such thing. Is it possible he quit and is "fine"..(I highly doubt it but am looking for confirmation)
I don't know where to turn...he refuses help/rehab/detox, but is willing to meet with my brother-in-law, a recovering alcoholic. He said he will talk to him tonight, but I am not sure if he will follow through.
Thank you all in advance for listening to my story and for any advice you have...I am in utter despair right now..

Edited to add..I also posted in the "newcomers" part of the board. admins feel free to move my posts..not sure where to put this

Judyw

Wanted to add...I was told by my sons friend that my son is also talking to an online sponsor (perhaps in a public forum such as this?) and in a chat room..To me that shows he is reaching out for help (help he denies he needs) which is a good thing. But ultimately we would like to get him into detox and a rehab facility.

Elphie

It is highly unlikely that he would be using heroin for that length of time and not be addicted...it's not that simple. Heroin is highly addictive, and because it is so cheap right now so many have started using.

If he is refusing help, you cannot force him. You didn't Cause it, You cannot Control it and you Cannot cure him.....this is something I've heard repeated in both addiction forums as well as BPD sites (im very familiar with that disorder)....

You cannot let him come home, he will likely keep using and will steal to do so if necessary....unless you want to invite more turmoil and pain into your house, it's just not a good idea. Give him lists of detox/rehab/sober living places and tell him those are his choices....he needs help, even if he is not ready to admit it yet.

I do understand your pain, I'm dealing with a daughter addicted to opiates right now myself......and I'm sorry for the despair you are feeling.

Judyw

Thank you...yes the turmoil that it has caused within our family is so bad... His brothers are all affected one way or another.
I have repeatedly told him we love him and we wil do ANYTHING to help him but he cannot come home right now.

SundaysChild

Welcome to SR - I am so sorry for your situation. I also have a 19 year old addict son.

The signs of addictive behavior go beyond using drugs. Lying, stealing, rationalizing...healthy people don't consume a bottle of klonopin because they are bored, and healthy people do not use heroin. He is an addict, and your instincts about him needing detox and treatment are right.

However, he needs to want the treatment - at 20 you can't force him.

You are doing the right thing by going to a meeting tonight. Continue to let him know that you will help him if he wants to get better, but that you will not live with active addiction in your house...and you won't help him financially if he continues to use.

Best of luck to you, your husband, and your son.

interrupted

I am not an expert by any means, I have a couple of heroin addicts in my family and that's my largest exposure to it. I'm of the opinion that *nobody* uses heroin casually. It may have happened sometime in history, but the nature of opiates seems to dictate that regular use quickly results in physical dependence. That is, I don't think there is a way to use opiates regularly and not experience withdrawal symptoms in their absence.

If your son is reaching out on his own that's a really good thing. I also think it's great that you and your husband are attending nar-anon. I'm sorry that you're going through this, heroin addiction can really tear a family apart. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but welcome to the forum.

crazybabie

I agree with the above posters ... I am glad you and your husband are going to a meeting they are helpful and are many of our lifelines.

dollydo

Heroin is not a drug to be taken lightly, sheer willpower does not make the addiction go away. He is hooked on a powerful drug, he is an addict. He is in denial.

Until he falls to his knees, he will not seek recovery and work a strong program. Is there some reason that he still lives with you? Does he work? Does he contribute to the household?

There is nothing you can do except work on yourself. Read all the stickies at the top of the forum, read Codependent No More and keep going to meetings, it will help you to understand what you are dealing with.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, however, don't forget that you have 3 other children, don't let them get lost in the shuffle.

Judyw

Thank you all...it sure does help to hear from others
The fact that he wants to not use is huge..but he compared not using heroin to quitting smoking. "If I want to stop, I just stop..why would I keep doing something that makes me physically ill." He said that to me yesterday over the phone.
Alot of his words are just ramblings..he makes no sense, he contradicts himself blah blah blah... If he could truly just "STOP" why did he have to take someone elses Suboxone?? Why did he snort klonopin 3 days ago? Supposedly a week after he last used heroin. And btw..what prompted me to call the cops was becasue he was obviously on something the day the S*** hit the fan, he was slurring and stumbling, going into my purse to see if I had any cigarettes..I asked him to pelase stop and get out of my belongings at which point he became enraged, threw a candle (that was lit!) a chair, and started raging..I followed him outside at which point I saw his car parked backwards, crooked in the driveway..and it was running (?!) He started screaming at me "who took my car?? Who parked my car like that??!?!?" well..I don't drive a stick and the only other people home at the time were his little brothers.. It was he who had driven the car..probably to go get high, returned..probably high, and left it there like that. He had no knowledge or memory of that..still denies that he did that to this day. He continued to rage at which point I sent my little one to the neighbors, called the police..he ripped the phone out of the wall, I ran outside and yelled to his 16yo brother to call 911. He followed me outside, took a handful of Ibuprofen (to which he used to be allergic..and could've had a severe reaction) and threw a glass of water into the yard.. He then jumped into his car and took off. It took us a few hours to find him at his friends house, with the help of the police. Now at this point I still have NO IDEA that he is using heroin...or that he took klonopin.. I knew he was on something but was in denial myself that it could possibly be something more that pot. (stupid/ignorant on my part..I know)
The ambulance came and took him away..this is when his friends finally decided to tell me about his drug use..I sat in the car stunned, crying, relieved (Crazy I know) relieved because I figured that at least now we know what we are dealing with and it explains SOOOO many things.. of course I have no idea what we are in for..
Sorry if I rambled! I found a surge of energy to write this down and went with it LOL!

Judyw

he does have a job, supposedly he is using heroin at work with a supervisor. He does not really contribute to the household as far as bills.
He was still living here because the last time we asked him to leave we let him come back under the condition that he had a job..of course at that point we had NO idea what he was using. We thought he was smoking pot..that was it

Elphie

not sure if it is available where you live, but, in Mass we have something called a Section 35, where if they are refusing treatment (even as an adult) you can have them forced into rehab programs....

Start keeping a log of any/all incidents, so you have it in case you need to do something like that.

Clearly when he is using/high - he has no clue what he is doing, that is so dangerous, he could hurt himself or someone else if he is driving under the influence....

Don't apologize to us ....we all understand how much you may need to get this out and talk to people who have been there.

interrupted

That sounds terrifying. I would definitely not let him back into your house anytime soon.

He is totally out of control. That's bad because he is a danger to himself and others. But hopefully very few people will put up with that kind of madness and violence (thus him begging to come back home) and he could be forced to hit bottom faster due to a lack of enablers in his life.

Justfor1

I doubt he has been using heroin for 4 years. You would of seen things disappearing from your home years ago. Snoring heroin is usually the beginning & eventually most turn to "shooting" dope. I would be more concerned with him stealing & using a whole bottle of your husbands Klonopin. That is a serious drug also when abused.

Judyw

That is what my husband said too...that it is unlikely that he has been using for 4 years. It would've been hard to support a habit like that and maintain employment..correct?? or can you be a "functioning" heroin addict?

The klonopin is what alerted us..well, we didn't know that's what he was on at that moment.. but that made him soooo drugged out sounding and looking I KNEW that day something major was going on. My husband rarely takes it..he has an anxiety disorder but only takes it as needed. We went to Florida on July 14th and he had a full bottle (30 tablets) he took 2 to get on the plane and 2 to get on the plane to come home...maybe 3 more between now and then. so we are calculating my son went through approx 19 pills in less than a month. (he left 4 in the bottle) How did my husband not notice them missing??...we didn't ever think to check..of course he would've noticed next time he reached for one..but we didn't get that far.

but if my son was taking someone elses prescription of suboxone (buying it from soneone) that tells me he was sick enough or addicted enough to feel the need to take that..and when he had no more money that week, went for the klonopin.
His work habits are questionable too at this point. He calls out all the time which leads me to believe that there may be some truth that he could be using with a supervisor..why else would he still have a job?? Who would put up with him calling out all the time? idk...so confused..and not getting any straight answers..just lies and more lies

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Judy, I am a mother of a 22 year old heroin addict. From our experience, my son started to use heroin in February of 2011. By April 30, he was stealing jewelry to support his habit, had gone from snorting to shooting.
We have a long painful history and to date my son is still using heroin and I haven't heard from him for a few months.
My advice would be not to let your son home after the behavior. He sounds like he had some kind of episode and became violent. I also have two other kids, and though I love my oldest son with all my heart, I MUST protect the other two children.

If your son is serious about recovery, he will not sound arrogant and think he can just "set it down". He will realize that he is powerless and reach out whatever the personal cost to him. That means he will need to hit a bottom to choose sobriety. If you allow him home, the lies, using and potential for violence will continue to haunt you.
Please keep reading the posts here, there are quite a few Moms who have years of experience and advice. Know this, you are NOT alone.
People here at SR can really support you in the processing of new information and how you can cope with this addiction in your family.

Teresa

BeavsDad

The key is for you and your husband to be on the exact same page with your upcoming decisions, not just in the same book.

The goal is for your boundaries to be crystal clear and unbreakable.

You do the best you can.

tbeit

Hi Judy I'm Tom recovering opiate addict. OK No you cant casually use Heroin and definetly not for 4 yrs. To me it sounds like he's detoxing and he took to much Clonapin. Its probably the withdrawal that is making him so eratic and its definatly what made him forget about his car. He very lucky he made it his friends without crashing. If he's on your insurance I would cancel that and make him get his own.

You sound like a great mom keep up the good work and stick to your boundries.

P.S. the unprescribed Suboxone is scary expecially taken with Clonapin sorry for the spelling its not my forte

tjp613

Can't write much now, but to give you an idea of the power of heroin addiction, my son (22) started snorting it a year ago. Within 3 months he was shooting it. He's been kicked out of 2 rehabs and 6 sober houses in the last 8 months. He's been homeless since may. Arrested in July for stealing and again Monday for possession. Now he's got a few weeks to cool his heels. The most clean time he has strung together outside of rehab is about 5 days.

Heroin steals their soul. I am very very sorry your son made that choice

Judyw

thank you all....also wanted to add this..
We are currently paying for a car that AS is driving, we are making payments on a motorcycle we co-signed for and he is on our cell phone plan, so paying for that as well. NOt to mention the car insurance...yup..we are definitely enablers.
SOOOOO, if we take the car/motorcycle/shut off phone..his response will be anger/rage/threats...He will say "I can't get to work without a car" ... " you really show you care by doing this" etc etc...the list is long..
How do we proceed. I know this is a step we MUST take but have been too scared to make. We are afraid of driving him further into his addiction. How have others handled this?? It may end up involving the police again..I am afraid he will show up at the house, demanding "his" car back. I am terrified of having to go through that again with my younger kids around.
Advice??

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Judy, whatever actions you take, do not expect that as a result he will either choose recovery or go further into addiction. Take the actions necessary to detach with love. If you believe he is a danger to himself and others from driving the car and motorcycle, then you should remove them from him. You need to explain that removing the car and motorcycle is due to the fact you do not want to assume the liability any more. He would need to understand that if he were to get into an accident, it is on your shoulders. And I was where you are now when my son was 20. We cosigned for a vehicle but sadly after only 8 months, my son lost his car when we kicked him out for the thefts to our home. We now drive the car and pay the monthly fee.