supportforme

In May, AH spiraled out of control and I was so scared. The police came to search our home after he was in an accident, he was acting bizarre earlier in the day resulting in me filing a TRO. The police said that he was in custody . He called to talk to kids and I called police b/c I was scared and I wanted to know why he was able to call if he was in custody. He had never been in trouble with the law and I was petrified of what the police told me he did with thousands of prescriptions. Federal agents actually came to interview me. Ultimately, he was charged for violation of a restraining order. I filed for divorce while he was in custody and he has not lived in the house since. We have a civil order with supervised visits. Since then, he has been in recovery and working a program. He's an emotional mess but he has been really working on his recovery. Lots of ups and downs but he has been respecting my boundry that unless he can be healthy and enjoy time with the kids, he cannot come here. Yesterday, he was fired from his job because the violation of the restraining order resulted in a criminal record. He called to tell me that with everything that he has done as a result of his addiction, he was ultimately fired b/c he called to tell his kids that he loves them. I told him that this is another consequence of his addiction and I did what I needed to in order to stop the addiction from taking me and kids down. When I told my eldest son that his dad lost his job and not to be too hard on him because dad hasn't been here all week, and I reiterated to my son that these are the consequences of addiction - my son looked me straight in the face and said - "Dad lost his wife - because of you; he lost his kids and home - because of you; now, he lost his job - because of you". I calmly said - We didn't cause this, we couldn't stop him and we can't fix him we can only keep ourselves healthy so Dad can focus on himself. You and your brother are the most important thing in the world. I know you may not be able to see it now; but, Mom let go of Dad to save us from his addiction and I pray that one day you understand. I love you and I will protect you at all costs. It hurts so bad to know what I've been through all these years and to still be viewed as the Monster. I know I'm doing the right thing, it's the only way I can save myself and my boys. It just hurts that all they see is me as the bad guy. My heart breaks for my AH, he was such a wonderful man, with such strong morals and values, I can't even comprehend how he got here. But, I have to save myself and the boys. I let go - only he can save himself. It's my job to protect and save me and the boys. Thanks for letting me vent.

FindingErica

You did the best thing you could do. It is hard to understand how a person lets themselves get where they are ith addiction. I hope one day your boys see how fortunate they were that you were strong enough and loving enough to let o.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry for you and your family. I hope your husband will help explain to the boys that his addiction caused this - not you!!

Maybe all will not be lost, if the boys can learn from it and never touch a drug!!

supportforme

Thanks - it breaks my heart. I tried so long to give him a healthy loving stable family to come home to with hopes that he would stop. I kept the addiction from the boys to protect them and him. All I managed to do is allow his addiction take us further down it's destructive path. Even now, it continues to take from all of us. I pray that he finds the will to rebuild for himself and the sake of the boys. I've seen too many people stay in a situation that is not healthy. I feel horrible that he is homeless, jobless and lost everything - no one deserves this. But, this is the consequence of addiction. All I can do now is make sure me and the boys are in a healthy environment with minimal dysfunction and chaos. He's just not capable of that right now. I need my strength to stay focused and should not live worrying that he is not mentally stable but I do. We were together for 20 years. There is a part of me that feels as though I'm abandoning him. But, I find the strength to do what's right b/c the reality is that he abandoned us along time ago. He has a choice right now to allow this addiction to wipe him out or he can fight for the 2 greatest gifts he still has not lost, his greatest and most valuable possession - his sons.

FindingErica

We have been married almost 19 yrs. it is terribly sad. I feel the same way at times, that I just abandoned him, especially since we were in the middle of a cross country move. My own elaborate plan to "save" the marriage. Instead he increased his self destruction.

laurie6781

(((((supportforme)))))

You have done an excellent job of protecting your children and yourself!!!

No, the boys, may not understand it right now, however, would it be possible for you to check and see if there is some Alateen in your area. It would be so good for your boys or at least the oldest to get with some of his peers who have been and are in the 'same boat as he is.' He will see that he is not alone, and he will learn some very excellent 'coping mechanisms' that he will be able to use for the rest of his life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

supportforme

I have looked into Alateen and our son is extremely against it. I told him he can join forums online, he also has a close friend who has a brother that is an addict and he has rejected all at this point. I also had him see my family therapist. Both boys went to see his therapist 2 weeks ago. She was wonderful. We asked the teenager to see her at least once a month and he agreed. My therapist and I agreed that we can't force him until he is ready to get help but I can continue to minimze the dysfunction and keep the lines of communication open. I make it a point to put all things aside and have time with the boys together and seperately. They seem to enjoy that and the teenager has even been staying with us later at nite playing cards and boardgames. One day at a time. AH is extremely depressed and emotionally unstable right now. He says the right things but his actions speak loud and clear. I pray that he find his will to live so that he can be a father to these boys. My day started with AH saying the same thing my son said and then changed to I thank you for saving my life, then of course how sad he is without us and if he could just see us he would be better. I told him that there is nothing that me and the boys can do to help him other than keep ourselves healthy only he, a professional and the grace of God can help me right now. There's a part of me that feels like I'm so cold and distant but I guess it's my survival instinct. Thanks.