How do you handle....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
How do you handle....
My husband has really been working his recovery and is close to 90 days clean. My recovery is only going fair. I am either hot or cold (black or white)but have consistently been seeing my therapist.
Things have been going good so far. But.....before my husband came home he made a few agreements with me. One was that he would not golf every single Saturday anymore. After one very hot Saturday, he decided he wasn't going to golf until Labor day weekend. I told him not to make a decision that he could not keep as we are working on trust issues. Then last weekend, he really wanted to go. I had my own plans and didn't care. However, my therapist was surprised I didn't mind he was not being impeccable to his word. I really didn't see it that way though so it didn't bother me.
When I discussed this with him, he said he changed his mind and saw no big deal with that.
Well my concern is what do you do if your spouse changes the agreements? What is the best way to handle it? Saying I changed my mind just doesn't really seem acceptable to me on our agreements.
So it's not about the golf, its about being "a person of your word."
He goes to meetings every night and sometimes goes out after for an hour or two. Golf is all day Saturday, then a meeting that night and of course football season is here so Sunday is out now. Of course, I respect his recovery but I am not going to be last on the list again and I was very clear about this before he came home. He has been great so far but...... but I am not willing to let him change the agreements - arbitrarly.
Any advice??
Things have been going good so far. But.....before my husband came home he made a few agreements with me. One was that he would not golf every single Saturday anymore. After one very hot Saturday, he decided he wasn't going to golf until Labor day weekend. I told him not to make a decision that he could not keep as we are working on trust issues. Then last weekend, he really wanted to go. I had my own plans and didn't care. However, my therapist was surprised I didn't mind he was not being impeccable to his word. I really didn't see it that way though so it didn't bother me.
When I discussed this with him, he said he changed his mind and saw no big deal with that.
Well my concern is what do you do if your spouse changes the agreements? What is the best way to handle it? Saying I changed my mind just doesn't really seem acceptable to me on our agreements.
So it's not about the golf, its about being "a person of your word."
He goes to meetings every night and sometimes goes out after for an hour or two. Golf is all day Saturday, then a meeting that night and of course football season is here so Sunday is out now. Of course, I respect his recovery but I am not going to be last on the list again and I was very clear about this before he came home. He has been great so far but...... but I am not willing to let him change the agreements - arbitrarly.
Any advice??
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Take addiction out of it. Is there something else you need him to do Saturday mornings?
My husband has a standing 7AM tee time every Saturday morning just about year round, he's always home by late morning. If there is snow, or a long frost delay sometimes the foursome just has breakfast and then goes home. I can sleep in a few hours, he brings us lunch from the club and stops at Starbucks and then we spend the afternoon doing things around the house, or going someplace. If we have prior plans, or something comes up, he puts the golf off, but if not, I encourage him to go play.
My husband has a standing 7AM tee time every Saturday morning just about year round, he's always home by late morning. If there is snow, or a long frost delay sometimes the foursome just has breakfast and then goes home. I can sleep in a few hours, he brings us lunch from the club and stops at Starbucks and then we spend the afternoon doing things around the house, or going someplace. If we have prior plans, or something comes up, he puts the golf off, but if not, I encourage him to go play.
I have really enjoyed our Saturdays together but I do not want or need every Saturday but it has been nice since it has been years!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I really need to pratice taking One Day At A Time!! So....
He told me he had no intentions on golfing tomorrow. Then later, my girlfriend called me and invited me to lunch and shopping tomorrow and that's what I really want to do. So that's what I am doing and he can go golfing and now everyone is happy. lol
He told me he had no intentions on golfing tomorrow. Then later, my girlfriend called me and invited me to lunch and shopping tomorrow and that's what I really want to do. So that's what I am doing and he can go golfing and now everyone is happy. lol
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I would have to plan around my x's football, baNd, golf...and he would come home drunk n high. I finally got to the point where I would rather him be gone. Do you think you still love him?
I don't know? Like you said, 1 day at a time.
I don't know? Like you said, 1 day at a time.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by story74
I would have to plan around my x's football, baNd, golf...and he would come home drunk n high. I finally got to the point where I would rather him be gone. Do you think you still love him?
I don't know? Like you said, 1 day at a time.
I don't know? Like you said, 1 day at a time.
I know there are no guarantees but just for today - I am happy!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 16
This is probably gonna ruffle some feathers, but I think you're being selfish. It's only OK for him to golf on Saturdays if you have something to do or don't mind? I would feel differently if you were genuinely concerned he was gambling or using, but thats obviously not the case. When youre in a relationship you have to compromise sometimes and if he is really working hard on his recovery why dont you let him do some things that make him happy, even if it means maybe sacrificing some of your time with him? And in turn, maybe he could compromise by giving up golf during football season. Or better yet, watch a football game with him!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
My husband is not the addict in my life but over at least 25 of the 28 years we are married, he works shifts, all week and I work m-f 7 to 4 so scheduling our time together has always been challenging. I feel like I will try so hard to leave his weekend off free only to have him say he scheduled himself for overtime so now I turned down invites to be home alone over the weekend. Or his schedule says he is working, I plan something and he has asked for the day off. He has tried harder to let me know about his ot and days off and I try harder to ask if I'm invited to go with a girlfriend before assuming he won't be working.
Glad you are happy and it all worked out. Hope you are having a good Saturday.
Glad you are happy and it all worked out. Hope you are having a good Saturday.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I think what it comes down to is he has broken your trust, obviously.
It’s going to take a very long time to rebuild that trust.
It’s good to be cautious and make sure you’re getting what you want and need from him.
As you rebuild trust I think things like this will become easier. When I took my EXABF back the first time after he got out jail I didn’t trust him with anything, got angry every time he went out no matter what he was doing. Turns out in my case it was justified. But it doesn’t seem to be in yours.
It’s just golf you know? And you know for a fact tat it’s really golf right? I don’t think it means he isn’t a man of his word. It honestly sounds like he just changed his mind. I wouldn’t sweat it.
It’s going to take a very long time to rebuild that trust.
It’s good to be cautious and make sure you’re getting what you want and need from him.
As you rebuild trust I think things like this will become easier. When I took my EXABF back the first time after he got out jail I didn’t trust him with anything, got angry every time he went out no matter what he was doing. Turns out in my case it was justified. But it doesn’t seem to be in yours.
It’s just golf you know? And you know for a fact tat it’s really golf right? I don’t think it means he isn’t a man of his word. It honestly sounds like he just changed his mind. I wouldn’t sweat it.
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