Miller05

i am new here and posted my story a few days ago. i just wanted to talk to anyone with a spouse addicted to drugs. when my husband confessed to being a coke addict 3 weeks ago (after being caught sexting a woman), i told him that he had to go to rehab, stop drinking, counseling, and be fully transparent...meaning i wanted full access to all forms of communication. he said he would do everything except access to his phone/call detail. i didnt agree to that...and he bailed. he has been at his brother's house ever since.

how are you handling this? did you give similar guidelines? here it is 3 weeks later and he is STILL not in rehab. his family members went through all this work trying to find a rehab center for him. and he is still not in one.

just wanted to know how you handled the situation.

in looking back over the last year or so....i see that he has been using for a while. it all makes sense. all of it now.

i also want to admit that i am in denial. i have a hard time accepting that he is actually addicted to coke. i keep thinking that he only said that because he got caught sexting...but then he SHOWED me his coke stash. what more evidence do i need? sound familiar?

what was your spouses "symptoms?"

LoveMeNow

No one can make your husband want to quit or make him work on his own recovery. This poem helped wake me up. An addict is an addict!!

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?

One minute I had you…then next you were gone

You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

FindingErica

Welcome to the board! Mt husband wasn't addicted to coke but I wanted to give you a greeting anyway. I was in denial too. My husband was addicted to some newer stuff that wasnt illegal yet, spice/insence. I thought it wasn't that bad because id never heard of it...etc. Denial is pretty common. I think we protect ourselves from the initial shock that way, but it becomes unhealthy to stay there.

dollydo

There are some excellent stickeys on this forum, take the time to read them, and peruse
Cynical Ones posts, lots of great information at your fingertips. You are codependent and
in denial.

Try to stop obsessing about him, focus on your child and your future. You are wasting your time trying to figure out the whys and wherefors of his disease, work on your recovery, he is not interested in recovery at this time...accept it...he may never be.

He has a disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is working a strong recovery program and is clean/sober. Less than 10% of addicts recover for life.

LoveMeNow

IMO, I do think you need to understand addiction so that you don't take it so personally. Just don't spend too much time on him. YOU and your son are far more important right now.

Coming out of denial is hard and you will experience several emotions. That is why a good therapist and/or anon meetings are a must to get through this and get healthy.

Addiction is from the pits of hell. Stay clear of trying to get an addicts mind!! It will make you crazy!!

LoveMeNow

Also, you could of lost your home as well due to the RICO act!!

Miller05

thanks for the replies...i know i made the right decision asking him to get his things and putting him out of the house. i know it.

in looking back, i think about the warning signs....

he was very depressed...a LOT...even saw a therapist (who i think knew he was an addict), when something would go wrong...it almost seemed like someone died...he would get soooooooo depressed, mood swings all the time, spent A LOT of time in the mancave at night...when i went to sleep, had to get high on pot everyday....and even on vacations....and there were peopel in his life that did coke also.


any other symptoms? i never found money missing, or things stolen...that is what i envisioned for a drug addict...again...in denial

LoveMeNow

He was putting his family and home at risk by selling it!! He was dealing so he could have his own supply. His selfishness and entitlement define an addict.

EnglishGarden

It is always recommended we become as educated about the disease and about addicts as we can, so seeking information from other spouses of coke addicts will be useful to you, I hope. I am not such a spouse, have never been married to a coke addict. But years ago I was with an alcoholic, and my mind was so confused, and I was so vulnerable to everything he said to manipulate me, to fool me, to denigrate me, and I needed to hear others' personal stories of life with an alcoholic--in detail--in order to see my situation reflected more clearly.

I read a book called "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews, and she is so specific about the very words alcoholics use to control their spouses that I was just floored when I saw the very same words my spouse was using with me, right there in the book. I think it revolutionized my thinking and I felt more sure than ever that I was not crazy, not exaggerating, and was experiencing a specific, identifiable syndrome (the alcoholic marriage) that millions of others had lived through. The book was a mirror of my life, and I had not been able, until then, to find affirmation anywhere else that had such a powerful impact. I was finally able to see behind the curtain.

Seeking more information--detailed information--about marriage with a coke addict and what the coke addict says and does, specifically, to control and to fool the spouse can also liberate you. SR is rich with such accounts and I hope they will help you understand what has happened, what is happening, and give you right direction.

My understanding of addicts is that they are relieved when the spouse is out of the way so they can kick back and use without interruption. I think that is likely where your husband is today.

Your phrasing conveys "control" rather than boundaries, and that is what others here are helping you with. We understand that you will not be married to an addict who has received no treatment, refuses counseling, is actively using drugs and alcohol, and is unwilling to be totally transparent with his communications in order to rebuild trust after infidelity.

Those guidelines are your guidelines for partnership with your husband and with anyone else in the world who wants to be your husband. They are your foundation for living a sane and safe life. They are not ultimatums to your spouse. We hope we can help you better understand that distinction, so you can stand solid in who you are, and avoid judgment or coercion toward him.

Miller05

thank you english....so what do i do now? i am so upset. i love this man...but look at all that has happend.

what in the hell do i do now, you know? i dont want to lose my family...but like my mother said last night...he made his choice..he is already gone. if he really wanted to be with you, he would "move heaven and earth" to be with you. and he is not.

i am also trying to understand that distinction you mention about my boundaries and coercion towards him? it is obvious that he doesnt want to do those things...because the fact is he isnt.

can you help me understand a little better?

EnglishGarden

Your first post listed so many transgressions against you and your child, Miller, that honestly, in your shoes, I would already be filing for divorce.

He cheated on you while you were pregnant in 2010, lied to you, hit you, did coke and weed in your family home (you have a toddler), and then moved out recently because--and it is not the real reason--he doesn't want to comply with your conditions for transparency after you caught him sexting.

He is a cocaine addict and says he wants to stop but he has not entered treatment (offered by his family), he shows no remorse for his abuse of you, he blames you, threatens you, is using the child as leverage in a power play against you, and is once again cheating on you as he has "reached out" to another woman in recent days.

It is your choice to suspend any decisions about divorce for as long as you need, but your history with him is grounds for at least a legal separation with visitation rules strictly in place, immediately, and a restraining order of no contact.

Many here will tell you that if you allow an active drug addict back into your home, if you allow an active drug addict to be alone with your child unsupervised or to take that child anywhere, then you are at risk of legal action by the state against you for child endangerment and negligence.

You ask what do you do. Review your list of standards for a marriage partner. Announce to yourself that he meets none of them (you need to include NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, by the way). Call a lawyer and get legal proceedings underway. Stop waiting for a coke addict to treat you or your child with respect, love, or care. Of all the people in your life right now, he is the one 100% guaranteed to damage you and your child. It is guaranteed 100%.

It is best to face the reality of today, Miller--I am so sorry about it for you-- and at minimum get a legal separation in place as soon as possible. And do not try to negotiate terms with him nor to talk to him about reconciliation, child custody issues or anything at all. Let a lawyer talk for you. Stay away from the drug addict.

That is what I would do, in your situation.

dollydo

"what in the hell do i do now, you know? i dont want to lose my family...but like my mother said last night...he made his choice..he is already gone. if he really wanted to be with you, he would "move heaven and earth" to be with you. and he is not. "

Addicts do not have families, they take hostages, they use others that are clouded by the simple four letter word, known as "love". An addict can pick a needy/codependent person out in a room of a 1000 people and lie and manipulate them day in and day out...not my rules...just how it works.

Miller05

yeah....this is all so crazy...how in the world did i end up here? what happend to the man i married? he is a coke addict. damn.

LoveMeNow

If our love could cure addiction, none of us would be here!!

Miller05

thank you love.

when i put those conditions in place for my husband which i now know was a bad idea....but anyway...the conditions were rehab, tranparency, counseling, and stop drinking....he said he would do them all except be transparent with his phone.

he bailed when i didnt accept that. is the truth that he bailed becasue he just wanted out? because he wanted to be able to do his coke in peace? because the phone records would show his connections to sex and drugs?

is that the real reason he left? i mean...deciding to walk out on yoru family becasue you dont want to give up the phone records?

will someone please tell me that it wasnt about the phone records???

it was about the damn coke, right?

i need to read something on understanding a coke addict.

LoveMeNow

The only thing that matters right now is that your husband is NOT ready to quit his addiction/s. Until or if he reaches his bottom, he is lost to a demon within himself. I know it hard to hear, understand and accept. I was where you are - not that long ago.


You need to start a plan of healing you. I know its hard but you have a beautiful motivator - your son.

FindingErica

Action: he bailed. That's the truth. The why's: because he chose to. It's just that simple. All the rest is just quacking on their part. My opinion is he was looking for a reason.

My AH didn't come back from out of state where he was employed, even when he found out that the kids and I weren't coming. Why is he still there: he chooses to be. I neither know nor care about if it is to do drugs or NA or other women. The fact is he chooses to be away from his kids.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Stay strong. We are here for support.

lesliej

one important thing that I am learning is that when you are dealing with addiction (and codependency) there are some things that you may never understand

but you can make yourself crazy trying

if addiction was something that could be understood then there would be much better "cures" available. for now an addict who seeks and works hard at a recovery program can find a way to be in recovery from addiction

your connection to his addiction is it's own obsession...a crazy making desire to try to understand something that is incomprehensible. the very definition of addiction is insanity...in-sane, un-understandable. very hard to wrap your "head" around I know!

this is why so many methods of recovery for codependency involve such things as "detaching" and "letting go" and "turning it over" and prayer, and meditation and serenity seeking...because to remain focused on the insanity of addiction is to stay stuck in the craziness.

I did everything I could to "understand" my exABF crack addiction, and in the end I guess I don't regret that I learned as much as I could, but what I learned is how crazy, insane and incomprehensible it is!!

movies will show it, stories will tell it, science will describe it, funerals, prisons and broken homes illustrate it, rehabs are filled with broken souls trying to mend, and SR is filled with voices relaying the message...and the message is of pain when someone is stuck in the insanity and it is much more about hope and peace when someone is able to detach, let go, turn it over, pray and focus on their own life/growth/love...on that which they have some control over

an addict will continue using and creating insanity until they decide to commit to recovery
a codependent will continue to go crazy trying to understand why someone is using until they decide to commit to their own recovery

DJ0822

Miller - I know it's impossible for us "normal" people to understand it, but he loves his drug more than you,more than your son, and more than anything in the world. Those of us who have never been addicts can never comprehend that. When I finally saw what my RAS had been doing, I was in a shock - my reality had been turned inside out. How could he have done these things when I didn't even realize it. It definitely made me question my own perception of reality.

I think it's like a shock to your body - just as you can never fully explain to a childless woman what it feels like to give birth to your son, you won't ever fully understand HOW he could he do this.

The shock will wear off - the others here on SE are right - push him out of your emotional thinking - I know that's very hard - but keep doing it, work on you and your son. Eventually, you will accept that which can't be understood.

Wishing you peace and calmness in your life.

lightseeker

I'm sorry for your pain....my ex husband is addicted to coke/crack. I have walked in similar shoes and understand the confusion, the denial, and the pain.

Boundaries are different from rules....rules are what other people break and boundaries are what you state regarding what you will and won't live with. (ie....I will not live with anyone in active addiction, I will not allow my child around anyone in active addiction, I will not be around anyone with addiction issues that is not in active recovery versus you will not use cocaine, you won't be around my child while in active addiction, you will go to AA or NA). Once I finally got the difference everything became much more clear to me and it has helped me to get healthier.

I have had to really reprogram my brain....even when I wanted things to be some other way and not the circumstances that I would have chosen. When I needed a reference point to see how sick and unhealthy I had become I just looked at my choices and who I had partnered with. I don't mean that as a judgement - only a way that I finally opened my eyes to the work that I needed (and still need to do) for myself.