Feeling crappy today
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: TriState area
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Feeling crappy today
Yep I am feeling crappy today, I have those nervous knots in my stomach and an overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen. I don't know exactly what is causing this, but I don't like it! I called it in my post yesterday, my AH was of course hi lastnight (he must not have taken as much as other times bc he didnt look as bad as usual but who knows really) He and I agrueed this am, when he woke me to ask me for $ for cigs. I was mad, I'm tired from your bs and crying and you wake me and you want $, wheres your $? is what came out of my mouth, he retaliated back and we got into a spat. Ugh! It's not like that spat was anything out of the ordinary, so why do I feel this way? Maybe its bc tomorrow is his payday and he has the Dr appt next wed, maybe I'm afraid he'll spend all the $ and then not go to the Dr. And the cycle will start all over again. I hate the nervousness and hurt that comes with living with my AH. I am going to go do something for me and see if that helps the feeling subside, I hope it does.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Who knew?
My journey taught me that I am not qualified to live with someone in active addiction or new to recovery. The front row center seat to it all is far more than I am willing to put myself through, ever again.
It was humbling stuff to accept that I had no control over anything other than my own reactions. The longer and more I focused on stuff beyond my control, the less I focused on controlling myself. It was rather conveneient.
It was humbling stuff to accept that I had no control over anything other than my own reactions. The longer and more I focused on stuff beyond my control, the less I focused on controlling myself. It was rather conveneient.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Oh, Emptyshell, I am sorry you are feeling bad. It is so true what Outtolunch said, at least for me.
I did a little visualization when I was struggling with my own "rescue & martyr" mode and took the time to really imagine the feelings I was having even just thinking about having my AD live at home again. I decided I couldn't live like that, that I did not have the tools to keep up with the emotional rollercoaster and fears she brings to our home. It is painful to act on, but I know the ropes, the routine, the pain, and I found that the pain living with her was much more than the pain I feel not living with her.
One more thing: When you don't feel like an "empty shell" anymore, whenever that day arrives, will you change your SR name and let us know it's YOU?
and hugs.
I do hope your day gets better.
I did a little visualization when I was struggling with my own "rescue & martyr" mode and took the time to really imagine the feelings I was having even just thinking about having my AD live at home again. I decided I couldn't live like that, that I did not have the tools to keep up with the emotional rollercoaster and fears she brings to our home. It is painful to act on, but I know the ropes, the routine, the pain, and I found that the pain living with her was much more than the pain I feel not living with her.
One more thing: When you don't feel like an "empty shell" anymore, whenever that day arrives, will you change your SR name and let us know it's YOU?
and hugs. I do hope your day gets better.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: TriState area
Posts: 60
GardenMama yes when that day arrives I do suspect I will change my SR name to something a lil more cheerful. And I will def let everyone know, I plan to keep posting on here. Its nice to talk with other people who get it. It feels good to get it all out, as I feel like I really have no one to confide in in my life outside of SR. I lost a good friend last year after I told her everything, we had been friends for 16yrs and now she doesnt call, return calls, text, ask me to hang out, nothing. And she never gave me any explaination why she stopped talking to me,( it was hard especially in the midst of this bs with my husband). and my family pressures me to do what they want, &of course I dont tell my newer friends about whats going on. So Sr is currently my only outlet.
PS- I did something for me today, I feel a tiny bit better but that nagging feeling is still there. I was thinking about it and I think I feel this way bc if change doesnt start to happen in him, it will set in motion my detachment and steps in leaving, which is always a lil scarry.
PS- I did something for me today, I feel a tiny bit better but that nagging feeling is still there. I was thinking about it and I think I feel this way bc if change doesnt start to happen in him, it will set in motion my detachment and steps in leaving, which is always a lil scarry.
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Location: In my little piece of heaven
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(( emptyshell ))
I remember those days, walking around like PigPen from the Charlie Brown comics with a little dark cloud over my head all the time. I was very anxious - waiting for the next big thing to happen, frantically moving from crisis to crisis. There were days I could hardly remember to breathe and would fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day. It was like I had this fire extinguisher in my hands and always had to be ready to put out the next fire that popped up.
I was truly exhausted, with no time for me and little time for the children.
It took time to untangle myself from him and his problems. Married, living in the same house made it difficult to set boundaries and change behaviors. I did a little at a time, gently - but recognizing each time when I did so I felt a little better, a little calmer, and a little more confident.
One thing that helped me was to realize there is no stress ( or not much) in the present moment. Most of my stress and fear came from things in the past, or "awful-izing" about the future. If I could stay in the present moment, and do the next thing in front of me, I was able to have some calm. Ultimately I learned that IT might not get better, but I could get better IN it.
Keep posting here - there are many who will be able to share their own ESH (experience, strength and hope) with you.
Hugs and Love,
Cats
I remember those days, walking around like PigPen from the Charlie Brown comics with a little dark cloud over my head all the time. I was very anxious - waiting for the next big thing to happen, frantically moving from crisis to crisis. There were days I could hardly remember to breathe and would fall into bed exhausted at the end of the day. It was like I had this fire extinguisher in my hands and always had to be ready to put out the next fire that popped up.
I was truly exhausted, with no time for me and little time for the children.
It took time to untangle myself from him and his problems. Married, living in the same house made it difficult to set boundaries and change behaviors. I did a little at a time, gently - but recognizing each time when I did so I felt a little better, a little calmer, and a little more confident.
One thing that helped me was to realize there is no stress ( or not much) in the present moment. Most of my stress and fear came from things in the past, or "awful-izing" about the future. If I could stay in the present moment, and do the next thing in front of me, I was able to have some calm. Ultimately I learned that IT might not get better, but I could get better IN it.
Keep posting here - there are many who will be able to share their own ESH (experience, strength and hope) with you.
Hugs and Love,
Cats
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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have those nervous knots in my stomach and an overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen. I don't know exactly what is causing this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: TriState area
Posts: 60
cats pajamas- can you tell me how you set your boundries gently and slowly? Specifics would really help me out. I have thought about my boundries and even wrote them down, but I am not sure how I go about letting him know what they are. Do I just sit him down and tell him them all at once? Do I wait for something to go wrong and then tell him what my boundry for that issue is? I have asked this ques before in a post and haven't really gotten a set in stone response. As you said living in the same house makes it difficult to set boundries and I am kind of lost here, like a fish out of water. I had always thought that in marriage what you will and will not put up with would be recognized by your partner without always having to say what they are, but apparently my AH has proved me wrong on that one. I guess I thought a common thread of marriage is respect for your partner. I mean I know whats right& wrong and what he likes/dislikes (&I used to respect him, not so sure anymore) and bc of that I wouldn't dare step out of the boundries. He used to know right from wrong and what I will/will not deal with, but it seems now that he has no clue& def no respect for me, and I am not sure of how to enforce my own boundries at this time.
IDK I guess I was naive in marrying him, I knew there was a problem 3 years after we started dating (we were engaged at this point), he took meds for back pain and drank a lil too much for my liking. So I asked him to stop, I thought he did, but maybe he just hid it better idk. One day I found pills and confronted him, this was while we were planning a wedding, he complained of the back pain again and I told him I thought he had a prob &I wasn't gonna marry him if he didn't stop. He actually stopped this time, I am sure of that looking back now. I did not know just how bad it was though until our 1st year of marriage. About 4 months after the wedding he started to act different I felt so hurt. Here I am a new bride, isn't that supposed to be the honeymoon phase? Guess I got jipped on that one too. And from there he hid it, this past year (yr 2 of marriage) things really came outta the closest I was finding pills, baggies, he looked messed up all the time, he was mean and acting like a spaz, items from the house went missing, my jewelery was gone, he'd stay out walking around barefoot til 3 am (???wtf???), make up stories that someone must've broke in the house, etc etc. I put up with it far too long and then I told my fam what was going on, they were appauled, cant blame em. After a few months I finally put my foot down and said" I am going to leave you, you think I'm not serious but I am. I will not tell you when I am going to leave, it will be that one day you'll come home to an empty house and no wife! ANd once I leave I am done, I mean totally done with you! Theres no coming back after that! I will forget about you and go on with my life and never give you another thought!" After about of month of tenseness etc, he got help. I was also stupid thinking he now had the tools to deal after only 7 months clean, yeah right get a grip! Now the past 2 weeks are almost as bad as before and I am lost in HIS problems again... I can tell you the only thing I am sure of is this: I will not put up with it again as long as I did the last time, this IS the last chance! I am growing quickly sick of it, I am afraid of losing him but I know I deserve better in life, in a relationship. I can find another man and the sun will eventually shine again for me. I am young and I have a good head on my shoulders and a good career ahead of me. I want it ALL: the house,the career, the cars, the kids, the vacations, the love and if I can't get that with him whats the point!? You marry to love &be loved, and to have a good life, to maybe have kids and do all those other things, not to be stuck in misery. I have always told myself I am not going to end up like my parents (married &divorced several times) I guess that's another reason why this is so hard. I didnt picture my life like this, i guess no one does...
IDK I guess I was naive in marrying him, I knew there was a problem 3 years after we started dating (we were engaged at this point), he took meds for back pain and drank a lil too much for my liking. So I asked him to stop, I thought he did, but maybe he just hid it better idk. One day I found pills and confronted him, this was while we were planning a wedding, he complained of the back pain again and I told him I thought he had a prob &I wasn't gonna marry him if he didn't stop. He actually stopped this time, I am sure of that looking back now. I did not know just how bad it was though until our 1st year of marriage. About 4 months after the wedding he started to act different I felt so hurt. Here I am a new bride, isn't that supposed to be the honeymoon phase? Guess I got jipped on that one too. And from there he hid it, this past year (yr 2 of marriage) things really came outta the closest I was finding pills, baggies, he looked messed up all the time, he was mean and acting like a spaz, items from the house went missing, my jewelery was gone, he'd stay out walking around barefoot til 3 am (???wtf???), make up stories that someone must've broke in the house, etc etc. I put up with it far too long and then I told my fam what was going on, they were appauled, cant blame em. After a few months I finally put my foot down and said" I am going to leave you, you think I'm not serious but I am. I will not tell you when I am going to leave, it will be that one day you'll come home to an empty house and no wife! ANd once I leave I am done, I mean totally done with you! Theres no coming back after that! I will forget about you and go on with my life and never give you another thought!" After about of month of tenseness etc, he got help. I was also stupid thinking he now had the tools to deal after only 7 months clean, yeah right get a grip! Now the past 2 weeks are almost as bad as before and I am lost in HIS problems again... I can tell you the only thing I am sure of is this: I will not put up with it again as long as I did the last time, this IS the last chance! I am growing quickly sick of it, I am afraid of losing him but I know I deserve better in life, in a relationship. I can find another man and the sun will eventually shine again for me. I am young and I have a good head on my shoulders and a good career ahead of me. I want it ALL: the house,the career, the cars, the kids, the vacations, the love and if I can't get that with him whats the point!? You marry to love &be loved, and to have a good life, to maybe have kids and do all those other things, not to be stuck in misery. I have always told myself I am not going to end up like my parents (married &divorced several times) I guess that's another reason why this is so hard. I didnt picture my life like this, i guess no one does...
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Originally Posted by emptyshell 
I have always told myself I am not going to end up like my parents (married &divorced several times) I guess that's another reason why this is so hard. I didnt picture my life like this, i guess no one does...
The dumb ones are the ones who waste this precious life in an unhappy/unhealthy situation and stay together for the kids or because they fear the unknown.
Whatever boundaries you create should communicated clearly.
It sounds like he's used to idle threats, so don't say it if you don't mean it.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
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Here is some of the information I have about boundaries that really helped me. I can't remember where I originally got it. If I find the source I'll gladly give credit where credit is due:
Setting boundaries means that we are taking responsibility, being adult and demanding equality and respect in relationship.
Setting boundaries reflects our right to say NO to those things that aren't right for us.
Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with.
Boundaries emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights; especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves.
Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves.
Boundaries emerge from a belief that what we want, need, like and dislike is important.
Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.
TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.
When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.
You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.
You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.
Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.
You'll be tested when you set boundaries.
Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.
A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.
You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.
There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.
EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES
"You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings."
"Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it."
"This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours."
"I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or your condescending attitude toward me."
"I won't be disrespected -- If you won't respect me, then stay away."
"Keep your hands off me."
"Stop doing that...or I'll leave; report you; file charges, (etc.)."
"Don't try to tell me what to do."
"If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect & equality."
"I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding."
"I need openness and sharing in a relationship -- your withholding is making our relationship not satisfying for me."
HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Ask directly for what you want. This shows who you are to others.
Nurture yourself and your integrity. This creates an inner, intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful abusive, or invasive.
Be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in their drama.
Maintain a bottom line -- a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.
Change the locus of trust from others to yourself. Don't put yourself in someone else's hands or expect unfallibility. Trust that you can allow others to be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy.
AFFIRMATIONS OF SOME BASIC RIGHTS
Nobody has the right to know my mind or my business or to tell me what to think, what to feel or what to do.
I have a right to my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.
What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me--not what they want.
If people are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them.
I don't have to be nice to people who aren't nice to me.
I don't need abuse or to be disrespected.
I have a need and right to love myself, respect myself and to stand up for myself.
I always have a right to express what I feel and think for myself, as long as I don't try to tell others what's right for them.
I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of whether others don't like it.
I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving as others might want me to or for not giving others what they expect from me.
I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have.
I accept my right to make mistakes--otherwise I couldn't learn and grow.
I accept my right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect.
I believe that no matter what, I am a divine child of God who is loved, forgiven, safe and destined to God's eternal life and blessings.
I believe that we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us--to be treated with love and respect.
I believe that if I am true to myself and live by the highest truth I know, that things will turn out for the best in the long run.
Setting boundaries means that we are taking responsibility, being adult and demanding equality and respect in relationship.
Setting boundaries reflects our right to say NO to those things that aren't right for us.
Setting boundaries is about learning to take care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or who we're with.
Boundaries emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights; especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves.
Boundaries emerge as we learn to value, trust and listen to ourselves.
Boundaries emerge from a belief that what we want, need, like and dislike is important.
Boundaries emerge from deep decisions about what we believe we deserve and don't deserve.
TIPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES
Anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized are clues to boundaries you need to set.
When you identify a need to set a boundary or a limit with someone, do it clearly, preferably without anger and in as few words as possible.
You cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings--they may be hurt, angry or disappointed with you.
You'll probably be ashamed and afraid when you set boundaries.
Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with the boundaries you set.
You'll be tested when you set boundaries.
Some people are happy to respect your boundaries.
A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and enforce boundaries.
You'll set boundaries when you are ready and not a minute sooner.
There's a satisfying side to setting boundaries--it feels good.
EXAMPLES OF SETTING BOUNDARIES
"You don't have a right to tell me what to think, or invalidate my feelings."
"Don't vent your anger on me, I won't have it."
"This is mine, you don't have a right to use it as yours."
"I won't accept your belittling jokes, your criticism or your condescending attitude toward me."
"I won't be disrespected -- If you won't respect me, then stay away."
"Keep your hands off me."
"Stop doing that...or I'll leave; report you; file charges, (etc.)."
"Don't try to tell me what to do."
"If we're going to have a working relationship, I need honesty, respect & equality."
"I need to communicate when we have a misunderstanding."
"I need openness and sharing in a relationship -- your withholding is making our relationship not satisfying for me."
HOW TO MAINTAIN YOUR PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Ask directly for what you want. This shows who you are to others.
Nurture yourself and your integrity. This creates an inner, intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful abusive, or invasive.
Be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in their drama.
Maintain a bottom line -- a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.
Change the locus of trust from others to yourself. Don't put yourself in someone else's hands or expect unfallibility. Trust that you can allow others to be normally human and still have satisfying intimacy.
AFFIRMATIONS OF SOME BASIC RIGHTS
Nobody has the right to know my mind or my business or to tell me what to think, what to feel or what to do.
I have a right to my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.
What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me--not what they want.
If people are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them.
I don't have to be nice to people who aren't nice to me.
I don't need abuse or to be disrespected.
I have a need and right to love myself, respect myself and to stand up for myself.
I always have a right to express what I feel and think for myself, as long as I don't try to tell others what's right for them.
I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of whether others don't like it.
I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving as others might want me to or for not giving others what they expect from me.
I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have.
I accept my right to make mistakes--otherwise I couldn't learn and grow.
I accept my right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect.
I believe that no matter what, I am a divine child of God who is loved, forgiven, safe and destined to God's eternal life and blessings.
I believe that we should do unto others as we would have them do unto us--to be treated with love and respect.
I believe that if I am true to myself and live by the highest truth I know, that things will turn out for the best in the long run.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: TriState area
Posts: 60
catspj's- i cant thank you enough for that, informative & empowering! I read it 4times! I am going to give it a try, I am just having a problem with it coming out of my mouth correctly. Your post says it must not come out in anger. I feel like lately everything that comes out of my mouth to my AH is either condescending or has a tone of attitude/anger. I don't mean for it to come out that way, but it just does. Or as he would say I am nagging. I don't think I am nagging when I am trying to express my feelings, but I guess anything serious seems like nagging to an addict. I assume that when your high you just want to be high and not here about problems or feelings, bc it may "ruin" your high, thats what I chock it up to. I guess everything comes out of my mouth wrong bc my gaurd is up bc I am hurt. Usually I am a very loving, caring, "give you the shirt off my back" kind of person, but I find it hard to be that way w/ him currently. But as the boundries post above says 'you don't have to be nice to others who are not being nice to you'.
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