She wants to work in a Bar
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: North Richland Hills, Texas
Posts: 36
She wants to work in a Bar
Hello, I am one of the lingerers and have been hanging around for a couple of months.. My RAD is home from rehab for 1 month now. Got her 2 month chip last night at NA. She is generally doing really good. We are all readjusting to her being "present" and home. She had asked that she work on her recovery. I was all for that. My husband who has Thursday's off has been taking her to medical appointments. (She has no license and no car), and for the most part it has been wonderful having my pretty witty friend of a daughter home and completely present in the moment. She is on Suboxone treatment and buspar for her anxiety. She had a 1 year active addiction to opiates prior to rehab. At times through this active addiction, I watched her engage in abuse of many other substances to include Alcohol. She also had just turned 21
So last night the subject of her working came up, and she tells me she wants to work at the "bar" she used to haunt.. She says she knows she can get a job there.. This ended up being a vicious argument between me and her and my husband (her Step father). I cannot agree to her working in that environment. I know Alcohol was not her immediate DOC, but I just know that a Drug, is a drug is a drug... and constantly being around that environment will and it being her "old" haunt could help her back down the road to addiction or she could be completely fine with it. IDK..I am scared and want to keep her fine..Don't want any more craziness.
Her very active alcoholic Father took his own life when she was 9...so the Bar environment I cannot budge on.. at all..I cannot loose her back down the rabbit hole.. again..
In the back of my mind.. I know I cannot work her rehab for her.. and I told her that she could work there if she was not living in my house, she accused me of being controlling.. then pulled out the "you resent me" card...which I don't, yes I have sacrificed many things in my life, but I don't resent her for my sacrifices. Those were my choices to make and I did them out of Love..
All in all, it was not a healthy discussion, it was a full blown out fight. My anger was not controlled.. It was all eventually talked out. (the fight part), but not my budging on her working in a Bar.
Just want to know what others think of this.. Feeling heavy about all that was said and talked about last night and questioning myself..
So last night the subject of her working came up, and she tells me she wants to work at the "bar" she used to haunt.. She says she knows she can get a job there.. This ended up being a vicious argument between me and her and my husband (her Step father). I cannot agree to her working in that environment. I know Alcohol was not her immediate DOC, but I just know that a Drug, is a drug is a drug... and constantly being around that environment will and it being her "old" haunt could help her back down the road to addiction or she could be completely fine with it. IDK..I am scared and want to keep her fine..Don't want any more craziness.
Her very active alcoholic Father took his own life when she was 9...so the Bar environment I cannot budge on.. at all..I cannot loose her back down the rabbit hole.. again..
In the back of my mind.. I know I cannot work her rehab for her.. and I told her that she could work there if she was not living in my house, she accused me of being controlling.. then pulled out the "you resent me" card...which I don't, yes I have sacrificed many things in my life, but I don't resent her for my sacrifices. Those were my choices to make and I did them out of Love..
All in all, it was not a healthy discussion, it was a full blown out fight. My anger was not controlled.. It was all eventually talked out. (the fight part), but not my budging on her working in a Bar.
Just want to know what others think of this.. Feeling heavy about all that was said and talked about last night and questioning myself..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Your fear is shining, to brightly. Is it her actions today or the death of her father running the show?
I say this knowing, all to well the reality of this disease.
Respect her right to make her own decisions.
Respect her right to learn from those decisions.
She is an adult, if she wants to work in a bar, then she wants to work in a bar. Sure it would be nice if she would strive to something more, but in this moment she isn’t and that needs to be respected as well.
My husband is a recovering heroin addict. He goes into Camden each day for work and always has … The best place anywhere to get heroin, and the easiest. Yah I know people places and things … but this is real life where you either are done or you aren’t and there are no easy excuses allowed. There will be drugs and temptation everywhere. What are you going to do because if she wants to use nothing is going to stop her, nothing at all.
I am really a strong believer in that they need to make their own decisions and find their own way. That mistakes are as an important as not making any as long as no one is taking the learning away and fixing and rescuing each time they screw up …
Is this really something that is worth a fight and the chaos that comes with it?
Does it help you or her in any way?
Can you allow her to make her own choices?
Can you allow her to feel the consequences of her own choices?
Have you set clear boundaries?
Have you told her to get a job as a condition to live there …. And now are jumping in on the job she choose? No rule changing mid sentence.
I understand how hard this is, but I also understand how insane it is for her as well, maybe more so than for you, even though I have a child in recovery as well. When I read from parents playing that my way power struggle and the child did nothing but make a choice and the choice wasn’t to run an use I think why add fuel to it all …
Sadly you can not protect her from herself, only she can do that. But you can allow her to find her own way. In all honestly it will only work that way.
Have you at all got help and support for yourself? Have you put energy into working a recovery program of your own?
Please take time to work on you, and allow her to find her own way. She is so capable of doing that and seems to be doing all the so called right things. She just got her 2 month chip , trust me she will talk to those she trusts and they will guide her without all the fear and need to react.
I say this knowing, all to well the reality of this disease.
Respect her right to make her own decisions.
Respect her right to learn from those decisions.
She is an adult, if she wants to work in a bar, then she wants to work in a bar. Sure it would be nice if she would strive to something more, but in this moment she isn’t and that needs to be respected as well.
My husband is a recovering heroin addict. He goes into Camden each day for work and always has … The best place anywhere to get heroin, and the easiest. Yah I know people places and things … but this is real life where you either are done or you aren’t and there are no easy excuses allowed. There will be drugs and temptation everywhere. What are you going to do because if she wants to use nothing is going to stop her, nothing at all.
I am really a strong believer in that they need to make their own decisions and find their own way. That mistakes are as an important as not making any as long as no one is taking the learning away and fixing and rescuing each time they screw up …
Is this really something that is worth a fight and the chaos that comes with it?
Does it help you or her in any way?
Can you allow her to make her own choices?
Can you allow her to feel the consequences of her own choices?
Have you set clear boundaries?
Have you told her to get a job as a condition to live there …. And now are jumping in on the job she choose? No rule changing mid sentence.
I understand how hard this is, but I also understand how insane it is for her as well, maybe more so than for you, even though I have a child in recovery as well. When I read from parents playing that my way power struggle and the child did nothing but make a choice and the choice wasn’t to run an use I think why add fuel to it all …
Sadly you can not protect her from herself, only she can do that. But you can allow her to find her own way. In all honestly it will only work that way.
Have you at all got help and support for yourself? Have you put energy into working a recovery program of your own?
Please take time to work on you, and allow her to find her own way. She is so capable of doing that and seems to be doing all the so called right things. She just got her 2 month chip , trust me she will talk to those she trusts and they will guide her without all the fear and need to react.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
If she insists on working there, you could tell her you will pay for her first month at a Sober Living Environment because you don't want a front row seat to her potential relapse and you refuse to play warden.
If it blows up on her, you won't have the pain of kicking her out. The SLE will do it.
You'd just need to be strong enough to not let her come back to your house.
An SLE can do wonders for her focus on recovery.
If it blows up on her, you won't have the pain of kicking her out. The SLE will do it.
You'd just need to be strong enough to not let her come back to your house.
An SLE can do wonders for her focus on recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It was impossible for me to stay out of my daughter's business once she returned home from rehab. All of my worst fears were realized and I had a front row center seat to all of it.
If I had a "do-over" my home would not have been an option for recovery.
BTW, my daughter eventually cleaned herself up and did it on her own in her own timeframe. That's good enough for today and tomorrow will take care of itself. I have to remind myself every day to focus on those things I do control, most importantly, my own reaction to things I do not control.
If I had a "do-over" my home would not have been an option for recovery.
BTW, my daughter eventually cleaned herself up and did it on her own in her own timeframe. That's good enough for today and tomorrow will take care of itself. I have to remind myself every day to focus on those things I do control, most importantly, my own reaction to things I do not control.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Nothing to add, all of the above sound like great advice to me. In hindsight, I would have offered to pay for a couple of months in a SLE for our son instead of having him back live in our home since Dec. It's bee a long 9 months.
His work environment is a very similar situation. I tried to tell AS (opiates was DOC) not to work at a pharmacy too. He has been there since around April (transferred from electronics dept to pharmacy) and is still there. He moves in with girlfriend and another friend Sept 1, only thing we can do is not have him living back in our home. He asked me about training for Pharmacy Tech job last week. I said if you are asking my opinion on that, its the worst career choice I can think of for you, I think anything is better than that.
We don't get to choose, I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep posting and reading here.
His work environment is a very similar situation. I tried to tell AS (opiates was DOC) not to work at a pharmacy too. He has been there since around April (transferred from electronics dept to pharmacy) and is still there. He moves in with girlfriend and another friend Sept 1, only thing we can do is not have him living back in our home. He asked me about training for Pharmacy Tech job last week. I said if you are asking my opinion on that, its the worst career choice I can think of for you, I think anything is better than that.
We don't get to choose, I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep posting and reading here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
When my son was still living at home with us, he had an interview with a pharmacy as an assistant. I didn't think it was a good idea for him to work near drugs while in early recovery, but I kept my opinion to myself. Fortunately he never got the chance to see what would happen--he didn't get an interview. It was shortly after that he relapsed so my concern was warranted.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
I don't think there is any perfect answer here...except that we can only control what we do for ourselves.
My son keeps pushing his limits during his recovery.....putting himself in situations that make my skin crawl......but....he is doing very well. In some way he may be putting himself in situations were he can aggressively and assertively state that he is sober. That is his way.....makes me very uncomfortable.....but not my battle to fight!
By the way....he is doing really well so far.... 8 mos in.....fingers crossed! At some point I will have faith and trust.....
My son keeps pushing his limits during his recovery.....putting himself in situations that make my skin crawl......but....he is doing very well. In some way he may be putting himself in situations were he can aggressively and assertively state that he is sober. That is his way.....makes me very uncomfortable.....but not my battle to fight!
By the way....he is doing really well so far.... 8 mos in.....fingers crossed! At some point I will have faith and trust.....
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