Liar, Liar, RangeRover on Fire: Rehab
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Liar, Liar, RangeRover on Fire: Rehab
Dear Members
An update.... not sure why I am even posting - as I have been doing so much work on myself. Dealing with co-pendency issues blah blah blah. I believe I understand the reasons for my 'addictive' relationship with H (not my husband, H is the initial for his name)....I shared my experiences and thought processes on this forum and have learnt and grown so much through this and the incredible support and advice received from all of you here....
The last chapter in the never ending drama of knowing an addict was 'H in car crash and 3 critical..'....
After that, it was even 'easier' to detach and move on - anger and disgust I suppose are emotions that can help.
I broke off all contact with H. I won't lie and say it was easy. But whenever I would think about him - or worry about him - I would read through some of the posts and remind myself of the REALITY!!! Yes, I let H go weeks ago a... but still hung onto the lingering thoughts of 'friendship'....
but over the weeks realised too - no possibility of 'friendship' with an addict. And too much emotion and history.
But now, I have been contacted by his brother, H is going back to rehab. H has asked via his brother if I would be prepared to fill out a 'family collateral form'.
I have mixed emotions. He has been my friend for so many years. Is this a bad thing to do? If I fill out the form - what message am I giving H? Does it mean I have 'not moved on' if I care?
I have filled out one of these forms before - for H - and i know they are extremely detailed and personal. H is facing a terrible addiction, a disease, that could / probably ultimately kill him. Isn't it the least I can do?? Yet I don't want to even go down this path again - I don't want to dredge up the memories needed to fill out the form.... I don't. I don't. I don't.
So why am I even posting this thread?????
An update.... not sure why I am even posting - as I have been doing so much work on myself. Dealing with co-pendency issues blah blah blah. I believe I understand the reasons for my 'addictive' relationship with H (not my husband, H is the initial for his name)....I shared my experiences and thought processes on this forum and have learnt and grown so much through this and the incredible support and advice received from all of you here....
The last chapter in the never ending drama of knowing an addict was 'H in car crash and 3 critical..'....
After that, it was even 'easier' to detach and move on - anger and disgust I suppose are emotions that can help.
I broke off all contact with H. I won't lie and say it was easy. But whenever I would think about him - or worry about him - I would read through some of the posts and remind myself of the REALITY!!! Yes, I let H go weeks ago a... but still hung onto the lingering thoughts of 'friendship'....
but over the weeks realised too - no possibility of 'friendship' with an addict. And too much emotion and history.
But now, I have been contacted by his brother, H is going back to rehab. H has asked via his brother if I would be prepared to fill out a 'family collateral form'.
I have mixed emotions. He has been my friend for so many years. Is this a bad thing to do? If I fill out the form - what message am I giving H? Does it mean I have 'not moved on' if I care?
I have filled out one of these forms before - for H - and i know they are extremely detailed and personal. H is facing a terrible addiction, a disease, that could / probably ultimately kill him. Isn't it the least I can do?? Yet I don't want to even go down this path again - I don't want to dredge up the memories needed to fill out the form.... I don't. I don't. I don't.
So why am I even posting this thread?????
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, South Carolina
Posts: 57
Watch the animal abuse spots on TV. They love unconditionally and are mistreated.
Are people any different? We love, care and worry about others and their addictions hurt us.
Bless you, for being human
Are people any different? We love, care and worry about others and their addictions hurt us.
Bless you, for being human
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Lara, if you don't want to fill out the form, then simply don't. When your gut is telling you not to do something, don't do it.
His brother can fill it out. This indeed may just drag you right back into the fire. My guess is H is freaking out now and just trying to save his ass from having to take the full brunt of the charges pending against him.
My opinion, you have walked away, keep walking.
You have no responsibility in his recovery.
We are here, if you need support.
Love to you Katie
His brother can fill it out. This indeed may just drag you right back into the fire. My guess is H is freaking out now and just trying to save his ass from having to take the full brunt of the charges pending against him.
My opinion, you have walked away, keep walking.
You have no responsibility in his recovery.
We are here, if you need support.
Love to you Katie
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
Lara, if you don't want to fill out the form, then simply don't. When your gut is telling you not to do something, don't do it.
His brother can fill it out. This indeed may just drag you right back into the fire. My guess is H is freaking out now and just trying to save his ass from having to take the full brunt of the charges pending against him.
My opinion, you have walked away, keep walking.
You have no responsibility in his recovery.
We are here, if you need support.
Love to you Katie
His brother can fill it out. This indeed may just drag you right back into the fire. My guess is H is freaking out now and just trying to save his ass from having to take the full brunt of the charges pending against him.
My opinion, you have walked away, keep walking.
You have no responsibility in his recovery.
We are here, if you need support.
Love to you Katie
Thank you for your reply and support. These forms are filled out by anyone 'close' to the addict - they are very personal. We have to describe for instance situations where the addict hurt us let us down. We have to give examples of the addicts recent 'bad' behaviour'. Explain how/why it affected us etc etc.
The addict in this case H, has to give permission for certain people to fill out the forms... it is part of his rehabilitation - and gives the counsellors first hand information from people who experience first hand 'being' with the addict. I spent a lot of time with him - so I have a lot of input. Maybe I should just fill out the form?? Maybe a way to see it as really putting things to 'bed'. Getting them off my chest???
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Just thinking about it... these collateral forms are to be filled out by people 'close' to the addict who experienced the addiction first hand - how it affected us / hurt us/ exposed us etc etc. They are used by the counsellors / therapists as part of the ongoing process of rehab.
I think I would be being 'selfish' and 'close minded' not to fill it in. I believe I have detached and moved on - but I do pray for his recovery. I know I cannot help H in anyway. But I do have information for his therapists that might or might not assist...
Maybe I am just feeling angry 'why should I do this for you when you have treated me so badly'????
I think I would be being 'selfish' and 'close minded' not to fill it in. I believe I have detached and moved on - but I do pray for his recovery. I know I cannot help H in anyway. But I do have information for his therapists that might or might not assist...
Maybe I am just feeling angry 'why should I do this for you when you have treated me so badly'????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by desp1
Watch the animal abuse spots on TV. They love unconditionally and are mistreated.
Are people any different? We love, care and worry about others and their addictions hurt us.
Bless you, for being human
Are people any different? We love, care and worry about others and their addictions hurt us.
Bless you, for being human
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Katiekate
Lara, if you don't want to fill out the form, then simply don't. When your gut is telling you not to do something, don't do it.
His brother can fill it out. This indeed may just drag you right back into the fire. My guess is H is freaking out now and just trying to save his ass from having to take the full brunt of the charges pending against him.
My opinion, you have walked away, keep walking.
You have no responsibility in his recovery.
We are here, if you need support.
Love to you Katie
His brother can fill it out. This indeed may just drag you right back into the fire. My guess is H is freaking out now and just trying to save his ass from having to take the full brunt of the charges pending against him.
My opinion, you have walked away, keep walking.
You have no responsibility in his recovery.
We are here, if you need support.
Love to you Katie
By doing this you WILL be dragged back into the fire. The therapists will contact you, may even try and get you to go into a session or 2? I thought you said you lived in South Africa and he was having treatment in the USA?
How badly do you want a normal life without the pain and turmoil of H? How badly do you want the lies and deceipt to stop? You will be come addicted to the addict again and live the lies and deceipt again... Is this truly what you want for yourself and your son with whom there is no blood connection to H?
The choice ultimately is yours and the anger is perfectly fine and normal! Trust in God and do what is right for you and your son, he is not blood, he is not your son's father. Focus on you and your boy and keep on healing for you.
We care about you, your son and will support you...
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by bobcat2000
We care about you, your son and will support you...
Yes, he is going to the States - Harmony Clinic?? He attended Harmony Clinic in South Africa a year ago. H has been to the States before - this is not his first or second time in rehab... third!! Doesn't that say it all!
Anyway, forms can be emailed. Up to me.
And yes, I am WALKING!!
Many thanks for continuous support.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by FindingErica
Lara, my only advice is if you do send the forms write on there that you do not want to be contacted or participate in any way.
But I feel 'right' and 'okay' with filling out the forms - as they pertain to his recovery. God willing.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Lara
We have to describe for instance situations where the addict hurt us let us down.
Their silence was deafening, and was the first time I began to grasp just how much pain and anguish I had brought to my loved ones.
Believe me, not filling out the paper and sending it does send a strong message of just how much he has hurt you.
Sending you hugs of support!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Their silence was deafening, and was the first time I began to grasp just how much pain and anguish I had brought to my loved ones.
Believe me, not filling out the paper and sending it does send a strong message of just how much he has hurt you.
Sending you hugs of support!
Believe me, not filling out the paper and sending it does send a strong message of just how much he has hurt you.
Sending you hugs of support!
I suppose in a way, wanting to fill out the forms, is my 'opportunity' to tell him what he has done - and the hurt. But as you say, the silence (if he is even aware of the silence) sends a much stronger message. I really needed to read this.
Thank you
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Lara
If he has given specific permission that you fill out the forms and you don't answer.....that will be "deafening" as Freedom mentioned. He'll know.
There are so many ways you could handle this and the decision on what message you want to send is entirely up to you. Check your motives carefully.....
-No response.
-Response of "Thank you but no thank you.....I have moved on and now feel that the best thing I can do for myself is not re-live the past."
-Answer in depth.
Each of those responses send a message. Which message will take care of "you" in the best way? Only you can answer that......there is no "right" answer.......just the answer that is right for you.
gentle hugs
ke
If he has given specific permission that you fill out the forms and you don't answer.....that will be "deafening" as Freedom mentioned. He'll know.
There are so many ways you could handle this and the decision on what message you want to send is entirely up to you. Check your motives carefully.....
-No response.
-Response of "Thank you but no thank you.....I have moved on and now feel that the best thing I can do for myself is not re-live the past."
-Answer in depth.
Each of those responses send a message. Which message will take care of "you" in the best way? Only you can answer that......there is no "right" answer.......just the answer that is right for you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Take another couple of days to think about this if you can. Let the emotions and the thinking settle a bit. We codependents can sometimes be too quick to act because we still unconsciously want to control a situation so that we can make everything "right."
I agree that no response carries more significance, but personally, Lara, after the car crash, I can't imagine any of your war stories with him will ever measure up to that for "evidence" of the un-managability of his life. Some addicts entering rehab are supposedly still in denial they have caused harm to anyone but themselves. I doubt he fits that category.
If you do decide to take the time from your personal life and your own recovery to sit down and write out a conscientious, detailed account of your experiences with him, revealing your feelings and reactions around all of it, and send the form back, and then he walks out of rehab two days after arrival.....well, be prepared for kicking yourself.
Lara, I'm just really so glad you did not die. So glad your little boy is not being raised now by someone other than you. God bless your little family.
I agree that no response carries more significance, but personally, Lara, after the car crash, I can't imagine any of your war stories with him will ever measure up to that for "evidence" of the un-managability of his life. Some addicts entering rehab are supposedly still in denial they have caused harm to anyone but themselves. I doubt he fits that category.
If you do decide to take the time from your personal life and your own recovery to sit down and write out a conscientious, detailed account of your experiences with him, revealing your feelings and reactions around all of it, and send the form back, and then he walks out of rehab two days after arrival.....well, be prepared for kicking yourself.
Lara, I'm just really so glad you did not die. So glad your little boy is not being raised now by someone other than you. God bless your little family.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Spin it however you need to.
That one form will not free him from addiction and neither will the rehab.
That will come from within him, or not at all.
Either you are done or you are not.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
That one form will not free him from addiction and neither will the rehab.
That will come from within him, or not at all.
Either you are done or you are not.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
I am a tad troubled that he has asked you to fill out the form. It sounds like manipulation and an attempt to keep you hooked.
Silence is golden and sends a far more powerful message than any words could express.
Silence is golden and sends a far more powerful message than any words could express.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Several things spring to mind.
In my way of thinking....the form is for people CLOSE to the addict that want to remain CLOSE to the addict after rehab, and participate in their recovery. It also seems like a huge manipulation tactic in that they have a list of your issues. Maybe the first rehab...but by the 3rd.....uh, no....been there, done that.
If you need an exercise in ridding yourself from any resentment.....then fill the form out in detail, as an exercise for yourself......then take it outside and light fire to it.
Ceremoniously be DONE and tell yourself that as it burns.
In my way of thinking....the form is for people CLOSE to the addict that want to remain CLOSE to the addict after rehab, and participate in their recovery. It also seems like a huge manipulation tactic in that they have a list of your issues. Maybe the first rehab...but by the 3rd.....uh, no....been there, done that.
If you need an exercise in ridding yourself from any resentment.....then fill the form out in detail, as an exercise for yourself......then take it outside and light fire to it.
Ceremoniously be DONE and tell yourself that as it burns.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
It's funny but the rehab my brother went to specifically asked that people close to him or related to him contribute and fill out the questionnaires only if they intended to maintain a relationship with him. They were very clear in their explanations on the questionnaire that you had a choice.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
Addicts are experts at manipulating their counselors. The more information the counselor has, the better they will "know" what they are dealing with. If you think that you can fill out the form without getting sucked in, it may provide some additional insight to the counselors who will be working with H...and you'll know that you've done all you can. Definitely prominently write "no further contact" on the forms, and make it clear that you don't intend to be part of his life in the future, no matter what happens with treatment.
However, if you feel that you can't open up the feelings/memories that the forms will evoke, then tear them up, hit delete, and move on. You are under no obligation to jeopardize your sanity.
However, if you feel that you can't open up the feelings/memories that the forms will evoke, then tear them up, hit delete, and move on. You are under no obligation to jeopardize your sanity.
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