New Here - Husband addicted to coke
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
he cant come back home....hah...he is not even trying to get here anyway! he is gone...been gone. he is not the man i married. when he got into that fight with me....the look in his eyes was something i have never seen in him....never.
and he is doing nothing to get help. he is a teacher so i am sure he will think he can just go back to work, get a little apartment and that everything will be "just fine." from what i have read on this site, it never works out like that. i hope it doesnt. why? because here i am having put up with all his crap...and he bails on us...he is an addict...and now he gets to "get out" with no responsibilities....live the life! i have to pay the bills, take care of our son, hold down my career...and deal with all the responsibilities of running a household....with no help from him. it annoys me that he "got off" so easy.
so, yeah...i am angry too. i hope this his new life isnt that easy. i really do. what a coward.
but after reading the stickys last night and all of cynical's blogs...i see now that i am dealing with someone who is no longer my husband. not at all. he is a monster that i need to steer clear from for my sake and my son's sake.
and he is doing nothing to get help. he is a teacher so i am sure he will think he can just go back to work, get a little apartment and that everything will be "just fine." from what i have read on this site, it never works out like that. i hope it doesnt. why? because here i am having put up with all his crap...and he bails on us...he is an addict...and now he gets to "get out" with no responsibilities....live the life! i have to pay the bills, take care of our son, hold down my career...and deal with all the responsibilities of running a household....with no help from him. it annoys me that he "got off" so easy.
so, yeah...i am angry too. i hope this his new life isnt that easy. i really do. what a coward.
but after reading the stickys last night and all of cynical's blogs...i see now that i am dealing with someone who is no longer my husband. not at all. he is a monster that i need to steer clear from for my sake and my son's sake.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
I sometimes read the Substance Abuse forums here as well to get a little perspective. I know that even though my sister gets all of the attention and never has to do anything for herself because of her addiction - she is not "winning" by any stretch. She's a drug addict. It's not a walk in the park, it's hell on earth. She would probably trade everything she has or ever had to be out of that hell. 
Your husband doesn't have it easy unless you make it easy for him - don't let him fool you.
Your husband doesn't have it easy unless you make it easy for him - don't let him fool you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank you interrupted...i appreciate your perspective. because i do feel a sense of anger that he doesnt have any responsibilities except himself and having..."fun." now, he can go back to work as a teacher, get a paycheck, get a little apartment...have his buddies over...date women freely, and just live the life as a single guy. as if at 40, that is the best thing ever. his position is.."well...didnt work out with my wife...so as long as i get to see my son...i am happy...i am at peace...no more hassles with my wife...no more feeling like i am a bad person...no more shame." that is how he talks...or has talked in the past. he considers it a "fresh start"....able to just start over....with someone else...where he is not reminded of the cheating, and all the other bad things he did...just start fresh. i hate that way of thinking...it really upsets me...it does.
how can a drug addict think that life will be so much "easier" and fun. he lost everything....is that really anything to be "happy" or "relieved" about? i think he is just kidding himself.
and i am irritated that he acts like this guy who is "fighting for his son!!" like he is being punished because i am not letting him see him without him going to rehab. he is making that his mission...to tell the WORLD that i am keeping the 2 of them apart. he feels like since he left me...i am now punishing him by taking his son away. his family's position is..."well you said he was a good father before...why cant he see his son while he is going through his issues?"
my response to that is that i thought he was a good father before i learned about his secret cocaine addiction....before his erratic behavior...before he knocked me down and i had to get 5 stitches in my head from hitting the wall while he was "coming down" from something. i said he was a good father before a lot of things...but most important....i said he was a good father BEFORE i learned that he was NOT making any effort to go to rehab. things have changed. he is a ****** father, and my son will be no where near that. period. it would be an entirely different situation if he came to me and said that he had checked into a rehab center....or was making some attempt at getting help. he is not. plain and simple.
i hope his time "out there" is not all fun and games...i really dont. he should not get to be "rewarded" for this behavior.
i hope he falls flat on his ass.
how can a drug addict think that life will be so much "easier" and fun. he lost everything....is that really anything to be "happy" or "relieved" about? i think he is just kidding himself.
and i am irritated that he acts like this guy who is "fighting for his son!!" like he is being punished because i am not letting him see him without him going to rehab. he is making that his mission...to tell the WORLD that i am keeping the 2 of them apart. he feels like since he left me...i am now punishing him by taking his son away. his family's position is..."well you said he was a good father before...why cant he see his son while he is going through his issues?"
my response to that is that i thought he was a good father before i learned about his secret cocaine addiction....before his erratic behavior...before he knocked me down and i had to get 5 stitches in my head from hitting the wall while he was "coming down" from something. i said he was a good father before a lot of things...but most important....i said he was a good father BEFORE i learned that he was NOT making any effort to go to rehab. things have changed. he is a ****** father, and my son will be no where near that. period. it would be an entirely different situation if he came to me and said that he had checked into a rehab center....or was making some attempt at getting help. he is not. plain and simple.
i hope his time "out there" is not all fun and games...i really dont. he should not get to be "rewarded" for this behavior.
i hope he falls flat on his ass.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Miller, it's not all fun and games. It's hell on earth. He may be numbing his feelings with drugs, but it's still hell on earth. It will all catch up with him. He's risking alot, including his career. Usually drug addicted wife beaters don't make good role models for children. I know it's very hard, but try to focus on your recovery from all of this, rather than his.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Addiction is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death.
His "fun" as you put it and lack of responsibilities will all come to a sad end - sooner or later.
Now what are you going to do about YOU and your son? I would suggest reading Codependent No More, keep attending some kind of meetings and/or seei a therapist. Your life is not over, it has changed and it can be so much better - but you (like me and many of us here) need to get healthy first.
His "fun" as you put it and lack of responsibilities will all come to a sad end - sooner or later.
Now what are you going to do about YOU and your son? I would suggest reading Codependent No More, keep attending some kind of meetings and/or seei a therapist. Your life is not over, it has changed and it can be so much better - but you (like me and many of us here) need to get healthy first.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank you for the replies...i am going to read that book. i attending my first nar anon meeting this past wednesday and it was very helpful. i am going to continue to go once a week. i also met a woman in the meeting who has a similar situation...her husband is addicted to crack. we are having coffee this weekend. i have surrounded myself with family and friends...who all love and support me. they all say..."let him go." i am still in denial...but i know that reality is setting in. the sponsor at nar anon said i am still in shock. maybe so.
i am happy to read that you all dont think this will be a "fun" time for him....him having a blast. he once told me that being at his brothers was "peaceful."
this crazy email is what he sent to me after he refused to be transparent with me. a lot has happend since then like him going to jail for hitting me...but this is where is mind was...and most likely still is. everything on this list are all lies....i know it. he SOUNDS like he is high.
1. 1400 for rehab. So i go to compton cocaine anonomis for now until i can afford. Its been good. Only gone once.
2. believe what you want. I have not been ******* . Phone records over top especially after i called lisa and said no more texting,same wit petra and lady jane. But i have no credibility. Ask scott where me and tudy stand. i could kill him. Passwords no problem. I told you that. But this is why it wont work. You make no sense. Why prolong this . Litigated all 3 women and you still want more. You will never stop. Thats when i feel like divorce would be best option. Because you go over the top. And its vrry praceful fot me. Ruana is all tjats missing...The situation is bad enough. Its that ********. **** a phone record. Especially if you alreay have passwords to email and voice mail.
3. saw therapist yesterday
4. you should work on yourself too.
5. i have abandoned nobody. I want baby all next week and you wont comply. U will have some excuse. If you keep doing it . You allow me no option but court.
Things peaceful for 4 me now. Dont know if marriage can work anymore for us lots of wrong doings. I just think things have gone to far. I want a woman. Who can see the new me i am building. Not one who stares at me thru a constant lense of unhappiness and jaded love and constant triggers. I just dont have the confidence. I could ever fully work this off. I miss you guys. But its just too much.
5. i dont drink 4 to 5 nights a week.
i am happy to read that you all dont think this will be a "fun" time for him....him having a blast. he once told me that being at his brothers was "peaceful."
this crazy email is what he sent to me after he refused to be transparent with me. a lot has happend since then like him going to jail for hitting me...but this is where is mind was...and most likely still is. everything on this list are all lies....i know it. he SOUNDS like he is high.
1. 1400 for rehab. So i go to compton cocaine anonomis for now until i can afford. Its been good. Only gone once.
2. believe what you want. I have not been ******* . Phone records over top especially after i called lisa and said no more texting,same wit petra and lady jane. But i have no credibility. Ask scott where me and tudy stand. i could kill him. Passwords no problem. I told you that. But this is why it wont work. You make no sense. Why prolong this . Litigated all 3 women and you still want more. You will never stop. Thats when i feel like divorce would be best option. Because you go over the top. And its vrry praceful fot me. Ruana is all tjats missing...The situation is bad enough. Its that ********. **** a phone record. Especially if you alreay have passwords to email and voice mail.
3. saw therapist yesterday
4. you should work on yourself too.
5. i have abandoned nobody. I want baby all next week and you wont comply. U will have some excuse. If you keep doing it . You allow me no option but court.
Things peaceful for 4 me now. Dont know if marriage can work anymore for us lots of wrong doings. I just think things have gone to far. I want a woman. Who can see the new me i am building. Not one who stares at me thru a constant lense of unhappiness and jaded love and constant triggers. I just dont have the confidence. I could ever fully work this off. I miss you guys. But its just too much.
5. i dont drink 4 to 5 nights a week.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
thank luv...yes quack, quack, quack is right. bottom line is that he is still not in rehab.
so, do you see what i mean on how he makes it like his life is "peaceful." that is what annoys me. i hope it is not peaceful...i hope again that he falls on his face.
how dare he do this!!!
so, do you see what i mean on how he makes it like his life is "peaceful." that is what annoys me. i hope it is not peaceful...i hope again that he falls on his face.
how dare he do this!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 74
woohooo finally!! I am glad you are angry! But don't let anger cloud your mind. You still have to think about yourself and your son. You are the most important thing on this planet right now for your son and for yourself. 
Have you talked to anyone other then us regarding your son's father? Like your family, your friends? Are you able to financially take care of you both? I am thinking you would have to because teachers are not what you call high paid employees. Now, what are you going to do regarding visitation? It doesn't matter what HE tells people. What matters it the well being of you and your son. I do not know what the laws are where you live regarding drug addicts and their rights to visiting their children but it's something to check into and because you have a bond on him because of his physical abuse. What are his family's right when it comes to visiting your son. Because if they have access he may as well. Something to definitely look into.
Have you talked to anyone other then us regarding your son's father? Like your family, your friends? Are you able to financially take care of you both? I am thinking you would have to because teachers are not what you call high paid employees. Now, what are you going to do regarding visitation? It doesn't matter what HE tells people. What matters it the well being of you and your son. I do not know what the laws are where you live regarding drug addicts and their rights to visiting their children but it's something to check into and because you have a bond on him because of his physical abuse. What are his family's right when it comes to visiting your son. Because if they have access he may as well. Something to definitely look into.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
hi red...i went to my first nar anon meeting on wednesday. it was great...i understand the difference between boundaries and ultimatums. my position is this...I do not want to live in a home with a drug addict...i do not want to have my child near anyone who is an active drug addict, i do not want to be around anyone who is a drug addict and not in recovery, i do not want to be married to anyone who is not transparent with me. i want to be in a relationship with someone who believes in the concept..."those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing." those are my boundaries...no ultimatums for him..but it is just how I want to live MY life.
regarding his family...**** them. they have never been a friend to me or the marriage. they were trying to "speak on his behalf" last week regarding visitation. his brother told me that the court recommended that a third party speak on my husband's behalf regarding our son. yeah, right. until i receive a court order signed by a judge that i need to talk to them as the third party, i am not doing that. the restraining order clearly says that me and my husband can communicate about our son as long as it is peaceful. and that is exactly what i am going to do. i am not bringing his family into this. no way. that would only cause me more headache and grief...and the back and forth never goes well...things always get lost in translation. this is between me and my husband...regarding our son..and they need to stay out of that.
this is what i sent his brother who i am sure will pass it along to the family...
In reference to your previous emails and prior methods of contact, I feel the need to respond to you so that we have a clear understanding. I am no longer going participate in third party contact in reference to baby, when it clearly states in the restraining order, Line Item #14, that husband can make peaceful contact with me in reference to our son.
Should he need to contact me and still desire to use a third party, he will need to use a legal representative and I will respond in the same manner.
I am no longer going to respond to any further methods of contact via email. text messaging, or unscheduled visits. This is where I stand.
I hope that you all will respect my wishes.
Take care.
that is what i sent and havent heard a peep out of anyone since...not even my husband. he was making such a big fuss about wanting to see his son...using that "third party" his family...now that i pointed out he can talk to me about it...nothing. guess that little diversion didnt work out so well. i am not playing games.
my position is this...i am not keeping my husband from his son. he can see him as long as he is in rehab. that's fair. he can also come to the house to see him...all supervised...at my house. he is suppose to stay 100 feet from me with the exception of him seeing his son...that is the only exception as part of the RO. i am okay with that. but my son is not going anywhere with anyone until my husband is in recovery.
as for his family seeing the baby...i also informed them that they can come over to my house to see the baby whenever they want. mind you...they have never in the 19 months since his birth ever wanted to see the baby...now they want to make sure they can come and see him. i said of course. then they asked if they could take him to chuck e cheese...like i am a fool. i didnt respond because i already spoke on that...all visits at the house. what do i look stupid....next thing you know, they will take the baby...take him to see my husband...and i will be in some uproar about him not bringing him home. dont need that crap.
so i am making things easier for myself. i sent the letter to cut all ******** about visitation and that 3rd party crap. if my husband wants to see about his son, set up a time to see him...or even talk about visitation, he will need to man up..or should i say sober up and contact me directly...no third party.
my close friends and mom know what is going on...all very supportive. everyone understands that he is "gone" right now. and they all support me moving forward...continuing to go to the nar anon meetings and therapy...which i am doing. i cant do this alone.
i am still very sad...i miss my family...i wish this never happend...just like everyone else on this board. i am not ready to divorce my husband...although after all the **** he has done...why not? i get that...but if i get there..i will get there on my own time...just like everyone else. that is one load i have decided to take off of myself...feeling like i have to make these major decisions right now. i kicked him out of the house and told him we were through...that is enough for now.
i had coffee with one of the members of my nar anon group...it was great to have that support. her husband is a crack addict....so she understands what i am going through just like everyone here.
one thing i need to be on alert about...and i learned this from english....be weary of him calling me all remoreseful...and wanting to work things out...coke addicts will do that when they are coming down and in depression. if he is not in recovery/rehab, then i need to not get weak, but understand that it is ********...it is all part of the addict thinking and manipulation. it means nothing unless he is getting help. and if i were to let him come back without him getting help first...then my life would be hell again...the drug use, cheating, lies, manipulation...all of it goes back in full force.
i will not be a fool. i have to keep thinking like this...and thinking about what is best for my son.
i also learned that cocaine usage and cheating go hand in hand. what a horrible reality. no wonder he was up a 4am sexting that woman. who does that? a coke addict, that's who. i have been tested for stds...and i am okay..thank god.
anyway...i'm okay...hanging in there...so glad i found this form.
but guess what...i know i am still in denial...i have not fully accepted the reality....not all the time. i know everyone understands.
regarding his family...**** them. they have never been a friend to me or the marriage. they were trying to "speak on his behalf" last week regarding visitation. his brother told me that the court recommended that a third party speak on my husband's behalf regarding our son. yeah, right. until i receive a court order signed by a judge that i need to talk to them as the third party, i am not doing that. the restraining order clearly says that me and my husband can communicate about our son as long as it is peaceful. and that is exactly what i am going to do. i am not bringing his family into this. no way. that would only cause me more headache and grief...and the back and forth never goes well...things always get lost in translation. this is between me and my husband...regarding our son..and they need to stay out of that.
this is what i sent his brother who i am sure will pass it along to the family...
In reference to your previous emails and prior methods of contact, I feel the need to respond to you so that we have a clear understanding. I am no longer going participate in third party contact in reference to baby, when it clearly states in the restraining order, Line Item #14, that husband can make peaceful contact with me in reference to our son.
Should he need to contact me and still desire to use a third party, he will need to use a legal representative and I will respond in the same manner.
I am no longer going to respond to any further methods of contact via email. text messaging, or unscheduled visits. This is where I stand.
I hope that you all will respect my wishes.
Take care.
that is what i sent and havent heard a peep out of anyone since...not even my husband. he was making such a big fuss about wanting to see his son...using that "third party" his family...now that i pointed out he can talk to me about it...nothing. guess that little diversion didnt work out so well. i am not playing games.
my position is this...i am not keeping my husband from his son. he can see him as long as he is in rehab. that's fair. he can also come to the house to see him...all supervised...at my house. he is suppose to stay 100 feet from me with the exception of him seeing his son...that is the only exception as part of the RO. i am okay with that. but my son is not going anywhere with anyone until my husband is in recovery.
as for his family seeing the baby...i also informed them that they can come over to my house to see the baby whenever they want. mind you...they have never in the 19 months since his birth ever wanted to see the baby...now they want to make sure they can come and see him. i said of course. then they asked if they could take him to chuck e cheese...like i am a fool. i didnt respond because i already spoke on that...all visits at the house. what do i look stupid....next thing you know, they will take the baby...take him to see my husband...and i will be in some uproar about him not bringing him home. dont need that crap.
so i am making things easier for myself. i sent the letter to cut all ******** about visitation and that 3rd party crap. if my husband wants to see about his son, set up a time to see him...or even talk about visitation, he will need to man up..or should i say sober up and contact me directly...no third party.
my close friends and mom know what is going on...all very supportive. everyone understands that he is "gone" right now. and they all support me moving forward...continuing to go to the nar anon meetings and therapy...which i am doing. i cant do this alone.
i am still very sad...i miss my family...i wish this never happend...just like everyone else on this board. i am not ready to divorce my husband...although after all the **** he has done...why not? i get that...but if i get there..i will get there on my own time...just like everyone else. that is one load i have decided to take off of myself...feeling like i have to make these major decisions right now. i kicked him out of the house and told him we were through...that is enough for now.
i had coffee with one of the members of my nar anon group...it was great to have that support. her husband is a crack addict....so she understands what i am going through just like everyone here.
one thing i need to be on alert about...and i learned this from english....be weary of him calling me all remoreseful...and wanting to work things out...coke addicts will do that when they are coming down and in depression. if he is not in recovery/rehab, then i need to not get weak, but understand that it is ********...it is all part of the addict thinking and manipulation. it means nothing unless he is getting help. and if i were to let him come back without him getting help first...then my life would be hell again...the drug use, cheating, lies, manipulation...all of it goes back in full force.
i will not be a fool. i have to keep thinking like this...and thinking about what is best for my son.
i also learned that cocaine usage and cheating go hand in hand. what a horrible reality. no wonder he was up a 4am sexting that woman. who does that? a coke addict, that's who. i have been tested for stds...and i am okay..thank god.
anyway...i'm okay...hanging in there...so glad i found this form.
but guess what...i know i am still in denial...i have not fully accepted the reality....not all the time. i know everyone understands.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Excuse me but this needs to be said
Stay away from this MONSTER! He sent you to the hospital, cheated on you and lied to you..... ADIOS! You should not allow him to have unsupervised visits with the baby.... he could be drunk or high or both and you cannot allow your boy to be exposed to that crap or endangered by him.
Get your ducks in a row. Hire a good lawyer and do whats best for your boy.
Move on without him.......
Best Wishes and prayers for both of you.
Get your ducks in a row. Hire a good lawyer and do whats best for your boy.
Move on without him.......
Best Wishes and prayers for both of you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Louisville Ky
Posts: 11
I can tell you from my experience that I once was a drug dealer and eventually started using, to be honest to numb the pain. I guess I felt the guilt that I was ruining other peoples lives and not only "they" are affected, but it could be a whole community.. I can somewhat relate due to the fact I had the girl of my dreams since I was in 8th grade and lasted all the way until I was 26 and she was 27.. Well long story short she found out about my addiction and the "activities" I was up to.. I dont blame her at all for the choice she made to leave me!! I was slowly spiraling out of control.. kinda like what you explain with your husband.. I hope you the very best!!!! Be strong!!! I hope he gets the help he needs! Hes spiraling down very fast it seems..
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