Contact or No Contact

Old 08-15-2012, 04:12 PM
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Contact or No Contact

I would like to hear the experience of other members who have chosen to continue contact or chose no contact with their addicted loved one. My brother is in rehab currently (28 day program) and I hope he is serious about recovery. If he relapses, which is a strong possibility, I have to decide if I will continue contact. I have never loaned him money, nor has he asked (my parents have supported him financially for years), but I do have a middle school age daughter. I am afraid that if I have no contact he will not feel supported to ever attempt recovery again and will turn back to his druggie friends. However, I don't want my daughter to think that this it is okay to be an addict. Do I have contact individually without allowing my daughter to have contact? I do know that my husband will have no contact with him if he is not in recovery.

And before anyone says it....I know that I should not try to predict the future and assume he will relapse. However, I am someone who likes to process my choices, and while I know many factors may come into play, I would like to at least have some sort of game plan or opinions to consider. Thanks!
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Old 08-15-2012, 04:18 PM
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No contact isn't something we do as punishment or to try and make the addict react in a certain way. No contact is something we do to save ourselves and stay out of the chaos of addiction. You have every right to keep your daughter away from your brother if he is in active addiction. If you can still have contact with him and it doesn't upset you or make you feel confused or frustrated, then there's no reason for you to apply no contact with him.
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Old 08-15-2012, 05:35 PM
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Suki is right!
No contact is not punishment or revenge,
it is triage for saving one's self from the
inevitably escalating and worsening miasma
that is the core truth of active addiction.
No contact with me had a high correlation
to my uptake of SR wisdom.It was illogical to
disregard so much hard earned experience in
favor of what I wanted to believe.
Nobody here tried to scam me, sell me
anything, etc.They don't even know me beyond
a pseudonym.
There are so many cynics.But just about the best
poster here goes by the handle 'cynical'----and is
anything BUT.These people display the truest of
goodwill,they share their hurt so that it may be
avoided in other lives.
I could not pay disrespect to their collective
wisdom .They gave me their best advice and I followed
it.....no contact.
To separate from that caustic drama was the best
thing I ever did.
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Old 08-15-2012, 09:42 PM
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yes, no contact is not punishment

for me it was a way to stop listening to the manipulation

in my relationship with my ex I had a hard time listening because all of the good parts turned to bad with the addiction, I would get hooked in because I was addicted to him! we played off one another, and I wanted to believe his lies because I didn't want to lose the love I had found. we bounced blame and shame around. we tried like demons to manipulate each other (me trying to manipulate him into not using so that I wouldn't lose him)

the no contact is to stop the madness

if you are not caught in the madness, the lies, the manipulation, etc and you feel as though you have some valid communication with him...well, it's your choice

having an adult conversation with your daughter about his struggles may be a choice as well, be real, be true?
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Old 08-16-2012, 05:31 AM
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Thank you all for your words of wisdom. At this point it seems as though I will just have to wait and see how everything goes after his time at rehab. We told my daughter from the start that my brother was an addict. At her age she is well aware that something is going on, and we didn't want to her to overhear conversations about my brother and then be scared or confused. We told her in a matter of fact way, and have been straightforward with what is happening (with careful editing of some details that we believed to be inappropriate for her age). She is uncomfortable around my brother, and we do not force her to be around him if she is, and it won't even be a choice if he continues to be an active user after rehab.

The most important thing is that I remember that this is not to punish him, but instead to save myself from the frustration and craziness that will only bring me down. I wasn't thinking about it from the perspective of being about me, and was thinking of it as a way to possibly force him to think about his addiction. Thank you for saving me from that train of thought!
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Old 08-16-2012, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Vale View Post
I could not pay disrespect to their collective
wisdom .They gave me their best advice and I followed
it.....no contact.
To separate from that caustic drama was the best
thing I ever did.
Needed to read this today - thank you Vale
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