Mr Reasonable wants to see the kids...
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Mr Reasonable wants to see the kids...
I accidentally posted on the family of alcoholics site:
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AH wrote and said he wants to fly here and see the kids first weekend in sept. he wants to pick them up and take hem to a local theme park for the day. He told them he was coming when he spoke to them on the phone and they are all excited. I'm asking for sole custody with supervised visits but there is nothing legal in place, only what was put in the divorce papers, which he still has two weeks to respond to.
He has not once asked me if the kids need anything or if we are ok financially. It's the beginning of the school year and I have had to shell out for new clothes, shoes, supplies, school fees..etc. he just wants to breeze into town, be fun guy for a weekend, then breeze out, leaving me to be the practical, disciplinarian parent. Well, for the most part that was our marriage, except at least then he was financially supporting us. I know he is making money now and a lot of it.
All he cares about is his NA/ AA meetings, and I know he is planning on staying there for a year with his support group. Im starting to feel nothing but disgust every time he mention those groups. He traded one addiction for another. I know this because this is where he was at with church when i met him, i just didnt understsnd that at the time. But that doesn't mean he can neglect his responsibility to his kids or just breeze in and out at will, leaving me to hold the bag. I'm really starting to feel angry about this coming visit. He is disrupting the peace I have managed to build for me and the kids. The kids really want to see him. I hate this. Good, bad or ugly this is how I feel: I don't care if he is drugging it up or boo hooing in NA... He's not here so it is all the same to me, an excuse to neglect his family, I want some flipping child support and I don't care if he ever darkens my door again. I'm sure he has picked up some skank at one of the meetings anyway and is probably crawling with some VD.
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I need advice from my support group here who know my story. I wrote him that if he comes I have to supervise and reminded him that he hasn't financially supported his kids. He wrote back all Mr. Reasonable. I can even hear his tone of voice, he will talk to me like I am being a silly child and he knows best.
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AH wrote and said he wants to fly here and see the kids first weekend in sept. he wants to pick them up and take hem to a local theme park for the day. He told them he was coming when he spoke to them on the phone and they are all excited. I'm asking for sole custody with supervised visits but there is nothing legal in place, only what was put in the divorce papers, which he still has two weeks to respond to.
He has not once asked me if the kids need anything or if we are ok financially. It's the beginning of the school year and I have had to shell out for new clothes, shoes, supplies, school fees..etc. he just wants to breeze into town, be fun guy for a weekend, then breeze out, leaving me to be the practical, disciplinarian parent. Well, for the most part that was our marriage, except at least then he was financially supporting us. I know he is making money now and a lot of it.
All he cares about is his NA/ AA meetings, and I know he is planning on staying there for a year with his support group. Im starting to feel nothing but disgust every time he mention those groups. He traded one addiction for another. I know this because this is where he was at with church when i met him, i just didnt understsnd that at the time. But that doesn't mean he can neglect his responsibility to his kids or just breeze in and out at will, leaving me to hold the bag. I'm really starting to feel angry about this coming visit. He is disrupting the peace I have managed to build for me and the kids. The kids really want to see him. I hate this. Good, bad or ugly this is how I feel: I don't care if he is drugging it up or boo hooing in NA... He's not here so it is all the same to me, an excuse to neglect his family, I want some flipping child support and I don't care if he ever darkens my door again. I'm sure he has picked up some skank at one of the meetings anyway and is probably crawling with some VD.
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I need advice from my support group here who know my story. I wrote him that if he comes I have to supervise and reminded him that he hasn't financially supported his kids. He wrote back all Mr. Reasonable. I can even hear his tone of voice, he will talk to me like I am being a silly child and he knows best.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
My lawyer told me that while I was asking for supervised visits that in no way shape or form should I give him unsupervised visits until the court has made the verdict. If you give unsupervised vistits now, this could mess u what you want. I would contact your lawyer. Be aggresive and don't think about him and what he is feeling. This is about the safety of your children. You might also want the lawyer to send hiim a letter saying this can't happen. The hard part is he is making all these promises to the kids. I would think it's confusing for them. It sounds like he is kindo being a jerk too. Not awknowleding what he has done and just being entitled and spiteful...which is not a sign of recovery. If you can, also talkto your lawyer adding a claus for if/when he disappears for 2 months he looses all rights and it is in your hands whether or not he sees his kids. I don't know if the judge would go for that, but you could at least try. I would also TRY to have a conversation with him and kindly ask to run things by you first before he mentions anything to the kids...probably dreaming on that one. That would be way to adult. Hang in there. Be professional and smart. Use your lawyer for all info and guidance...that's why they get paid the big bucks. 
good luck!
good luck!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Talk to your lawyer! I don't what state you're in but in my state if there's no custody order in place, neither parent has to give the children to the other parent, which means he doesn't have to give them back to you.
I also think its a terrible idea for you to be the supervisor. Is there someone else you'd trust to do that? If not, your attorney may know of an organization like CASA that would be willing to supervise.
He should absolutely pay child support but that issue has nothing to do with visitation. A non-custodial parent could be current on support but that doesn't give him a right to visit with his kids. He has that right anyway, whether he pays or not, unless he might cause the kids harm. In our state it's serious endangerment.
Maybe your attorney could get a temporary custody order in place before he visits.
He seriously needs to have an order of support on him. Then if he chooses not to pay, he can spend a little time in jail.
I also think its a terrible idea for you to be the supervisor. Is there someone else you'd trust to do that? If not, your attorney may know of an organization like CASA that would be willing to supervise.
He should absolutely pay child support but that issue has nothing to do with visitation. A non-custodial parent could be current on support but that doesn't give him a right to visit with his kids. He has that right anyway, whether he pays or not, unless he might cause the kids harm. In our state it's serious endangerment.
Maybe your attorney could get a temporary custody order in place before he visits.
He seriously needs to have an order of support on him. Then if he chooses not to pay, he can spend a little time in jail.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Originally Posted by story74 
Ps...don't remind him of the divorce papers. Don't talk to him about anything bc hopefully he defaults.
Talk to your lawyer first. See what your options are. Play the game baby.
Talk to your lawyer first. See what your options are. Play the game baby.
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I spoke to my lawyer yesterday and since we have not gone to court yet, there is nothing legally enforceable. She asked if there is someone I trust to supervise. I said I couldn't think of anyone I wanted to put in that position. So that is why I said I would go but I don't want to go. I'm thinking it might be best if he sees the kids with his parents. Maybe I could go there and he could visit with his family, then me and the kids could leave. I hate this, I don't know what to do and I feel really nervous. I have been pretty non-communicative but I wrote him that he hasnt been supporting the kids and accused him of cheating, why do I do this crap, I don't know. He acts like nothing has happened and he doesn't know why I am acting like this. He wrote:
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I've been faithful to you since*day one when we*started dating, even still to this very hour, your doctor is not going to find anything.
The*last time we talked I said would send*money which I'm doing tonight, I wanted to wait until the next time I get paid. *I don't have money to burn, but I am a man of my word and you will start receiving money on a weekly basis. I understand winter is coming and they wont be able to ride their new bikes for to much longer. Just because (DD 2) wants something two months before her birthday has never meant any thing in the past, plus (DD1) birthday comes first and I didn't want her to feel any more sorrow or pain. I asked the kids last night if you bought them clothes and shoes and school supplies, did you ask them what questions I asked them? (DS) told me you bought him new shoes.
*
I'm ready to hear any and all reservations you have about me coming up to visit. Have*you told the kids your divorcing me? If so how did you tell them? How upset were they?
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I'm really now wanting him to go away. I don't want to deal with him and I am also starting to feel like I have been overreacting when I read his words. Like I threw everything away and misjudged him. I'm miserable right now and frustrated and scared.
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I've been faithful to you since*day one when we*started dating, even still to this very hour, your doctor is not going to find anything.
The*last time we talked I said would send*money which I'm doing tonight, I wanted to wait until the next time I get paid. *I don't have money to burn, but I am a man of my word and you will start receiving money on a weekly basis. I understand winter is coming and they wont be able to ride their new bikes for to much longer. Just because (DD 2) wants something two months before her birthday has never meant any thing in the past, plus (DD1) birthday comes first and I didn't want her to feel any more sorrow or pain. I asked the kids last night if you bought them clothes and shoes and school supplies, did you ask them what questions I asked them? (DS) told me you bought him new shoes.
*
I'm ready to hear any and all reservations you have about me coming up to visit. Have*you told the kids your divorcing me? If so how did you tell them? How upset were they?
*************
I'm really now wanting him to go away. I don't want to deal with him and I am also starting to feel like I have been overreacting when I read his words. Like I threw everything away and misjudged him. I'm miserable right now and frustrated and scared.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Business only when you communicate. The only business you have are the kids and divorce arrangements. Divorce/Custody/Child Support......he can talk to your attny or his. You do not need to engage with him on this. When there is something in place you just need to follow the rules. In my experience too you only need to discuss school, support and major medical issues relating to the kids. You do not owe him anything else.
As for his personal life and yours. Off limits. (I would say for you both) The less you get pulled in to that the better off you are going to be and feel.
His email.....bunch of noise in my humble opinion. Watch for the actions.....love the I'm a man of my word bit.....you gotta laugh right?
Only discussion about this visitation should be around supervision, place, beginning time and ending time. That's it.....nothing more you need to be involved in. If you end up supervising I would suggest you take a friend or family member along for company. Or if you have to "hire a sitter" to go with you. You want someone to talk to and to be a witness.
Funny you don't have anything set up for visitation etc in your separation agreement? Might want to look into that if the divorce is going to drag on....
As for his personal life and yours. Off limits. (I would say for you both) The less you get pulled in to that the better off you are going to be and feel.
His email.....bunch of noise in my humble opinion. Watch for the actions.....love the I'm a man of my word bit.....you gotta laugh right?
Only discussion about this visitation should be around supervision, place, beginning time and ending time. That's it.....nothing more you need to be involved in. If you end up supervising I would suggest you take a friend or family member along for company. Or if you have to "hire a sitter" to go with you. You want someone to talk to and to be a witness.
Funny you don't have anything set up for visitation etc in your separation agreement? Might want to look into that if the divorce is going to drag on....
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Erica do yourself the favor of waiting 24 hours before responding to anything- gives you a chance to process rather than react. OF COURSE he's going to respond with, "gee I don't know WHY you're upset?!...." that's his MO is it not? Look at ACTIONS. (((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by FindingErica
AH wrote and said he wants to fly here and see the kids first weekend in sept. he wants to pick them up and take hem to a local theme park for the day.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Awe sweetie, I'm so sorry for what you are going thru.
First, I read his response to you and I feel he is full of ****. It also gave me the chills because it reminds me od dealing with my xah. My x was very much the same way. Not taking responsibility for any of their actions and blaming you for everything. He twisted back on you and now you are questioning yourself and confused. He sounds very angry. I bet he is still using, or will be using again soon. How dare he think it is ok to not send you money? What kind of man just leaves his family without making sure theyk r ok.
You love your kids. You want a family. You are a kind loving and rational person. He is not. He abandoned you and your children and has enough audacity to come back in as mr. Fun. The children should not see him unsupervised until after the hearing. His parents house, with them there sounds perfect. Will you know if has defaulted by then? If they default you will get whatever requested.
It is awful. It causes anxiety. I, too, just wanted my x to go away, and he did. But, then he came back. I went thru a year of hell. Just broken hearted, stressed, anxious and trying to work and raise my 3 yr old all by myself...all the while dealing with an inconsistent angry xah. They don't go away. They come in and out. I'm anxious right now bc I see he just paid child support and have to talk to my lawyer tomorrow about my rights and have to see him in 2 weeks and worry about how angry my son is from his unapolgetic 3 month absence. Good times. It never ends. The only advice I can tell you is, t5here is no rationalizing with him because you will always be wrong and he will always be right. They are angry. They must know deep down what they are doing is wrong. Get the kids some counseling. And try to somehow have professional conversations only about family business only. He shouldn't be communicating with you thru the kids. My 3yr old let me know he knew we were fighting and didn't like it, I tried my hardest to not in front of him. My 3 year old knew when I was talking to him on the phone bc of the tone of my voice. Its hard to hide. Right now everyone's emotions are just too raw. So, maybe some counseling for you too? I couldn't afford it and just spent a lot of time self reflecting. I feel good now.
Find a healthy exercise for releasing anxiety. I used yoga. Valerium root tea helps with anxiety. St. Johns wort tea helps with depression. I have also learned to follow my gut and not question myself. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. You can do this. He really doesn't deserve a voice until he proves himself responsible. Responsible is not asking the kids to the fun park while he hasn't given you a cent. My x never expresses concern or interest in my sons life, but he sure wants to see him every once in awhile...when his coke is out and he has a sober moment. Not once are these manchildren ever thinking about the kids. They are just angry and trying to get back at us. Its painful. Hang in there and stay focused on YOU and YOUR kids well being! Trust what you think is right and stay strong.
First, I read his response to you and I feel he is full of ****. It also gave me the chills because it reminds me od dealing with my xah. My x was very much the same way. Not taking responsibility for any of their actions and blaming you for everything. He twisted back on you and now you are questioning yourself and confused. He sounds very angry. I bet he is still using, or will be using again soon. How dare he think it is ok to not send you money? What kind of man just leaves his family without making sure theyk r ok.
You love your kids. You want a family. You are a kind loving and rational person. He is not. He abandoned you and your children and has enough audacity to come back in as mr. Fun. The children should not see him unsupervised until after the hearing. His parents house, with them there sounds perfect. Will you know if has defaulted by then? If they default you will get whatever requested.
It is awful. It causes anxiety. I, too, just wanted my x to go away, and he did. But, then he came back. I went thru a year of hell. Just broken hearted, stressed, anxious and trying to work and raise my 3 yr old all by myself...all the while dealing with an inconsistent angry xah. They don't go away. They come in and out. I'm anxious right now bc I see he just paid child support and have to talk to my lawyer tomorrow about my rights and have to see him in 2 weeks and worry about how angry my son is from his unapolgetic 3 month absence. Good times. It never ends. The only advice I can tell you is, t5here is no rationalizing with him because you will always be wrong and he will always be right. They are angry. They must know deep down what they are doing is wrong. Get the kids some counseling. And try to somehow have professional conversations only about family business only. He shouldn't be communicating with you thru the kids. My 3yr old let me know he knew we were fighting and didn't like it, I tried my hardest to not in front of him. My 3 year old knew when I was talking to him on the phone bc of the tone of my voice. Its hard to hide. Right now everyone's emotions are just too raw. So, maybe some counseling for you too? I couldn't afford it and just spent a lot of time self reflecting. I feel good now.
Find a healthy exercise for releasing anxiety. I used yoga. Valerium root tea helps with anxiety. St. Johns wort tea helps with depression. I have also learned to follow my gut and not question myself. You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. You can do this. He really doesn't deserve a voice until he proves himself responsible. Responsible is not asking the kids to the fun park while he hasn't given you a cent. My x never expresses concern or interest in my sons life, but he sure wants to see him every once in awhile...when his coke is out and he has a sober moment. Not once are these manchildren ever thinking about the kids. They are just angry and trying to get back at us. Its painful. Hang in there and stay focused on YOU and YOUR kids well being! Trust what you think is right and stay strong.
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Hi Erica, there is NO way I would allow him to see the kids - supervised or not until a judge makes a decision. He is going to use the kids as pawns like he always does.
I am not so sure he will even come though. Do you know for a fact his plans are sincere?
I am not so sure he will even come though. Do you know for a fact his plans are sincere?
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Story, I have counseling every Thu morning with the female pastor of my church. Her and her husband used to be ministers with the salvation army, so she has been around addicts. She sees right through AH's nonsense. I may hook the kids up with an organization called Rainbows. But I can get counseling through my health insurance. I'm going to run all this by her tomorrow morning.
LMN, he already told the kids he was coming and they are all excited, I don't know if I can take that away from them.
LMN, he already told the kids he was coming and they are all excited, I don't know if I can take that away from them.
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LMN, he already told the kids he was coming and they are all excited, I don't know if I can take that away from them.
I know it will be hard and they may get upset.....but he had no right to make plans with them without your consent, you really have no idea if he is or is not using, you know he likes to play games with you - using the kids, it could prevent future supervised visits, God knows what he will tell them, and most importantly are they safe with him?????
ETA: I wonder if they are more excited about the theme park then really seeing him????
I know it will be hard and they may get upset.....but he had no right to make plans with them without your consent, you really have no idea if he is or is not using, you know he likes to play games with you - using the kids, it could prevent future supervised visits, God knows what he will tell them, and most importantly are they safe with him?????
ETA: I wonder if they are more excited about the theme park then really seeing him????
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I'm sure the theme park is expensive and money is an issue with new school clothes being bought and all.....
But dang if I wouldn't be tempted to take the kids to the theme park myself.....
Then change your number and tell him to talk to your lawyer from now on.
He's playing you on the other stuff.....seeing if you have left the door cracked open for him to wedge a foot in....then before you know it "Daddy's Home!" ugh.....
But dang if I wouldn't be tempted to take the kids to the theme park myself.....
Then change your number and tell him to talk to your lawyer from now on.
He's playing you on the other stuff.....seeing if you have left the door cracked open for him to wedge a foot in....then before you know it "Daddy's Home!" ugh.....
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I think I am going to change the plans to the visit being with his parents there. He has no address or phone for me.
As for the theme park, the kids have season passes, we live 15 min away. We ways get them beginning of the season, and things were good then. Weird how things change so fast. It really just annoys me that he just wants to come and be fun guy like nothing happened.
As for the theme park, the kids have season passes, we live 15 min away. We ways get them beginning of the season, and things were good then. Weird how things change so fast. It really just annoys me that he just wants to come and be fun guy like nothing happened.
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This will be a really tough test for you.
In reading your threads, you seem to inspire others here in a similiar situation.
Try your best to keep the emotion out of it and make calculated business-like decisions or you may find yourself sucked back in or making a futile call to the police to try and get your children back.
The kids will not die if they don't go to the park with daddy.
In reading your threads, you seem to inspire others here in a similiar situation.
Try your best to keep the emotion out of it and make calculated business-like decisions or you may find yourself sucked back in or making a futile call to the police to try and get your children back.
The kids will not die if they don't go to the park with daddy.
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