I did a little for me today
 

I took the advice of some of my fellow chatters and did something for me today. I drove around just looking at the beautiful homes, flowers and fields, no radio, just me the rain and the backroads. I know its something so simple, but I felt a little better (my fam used to do this every Sun we'd get ice cream and just drive and look at pretty homes). I then cleaned my house bc I couldn't stand the mess anymore (like I said I havent done anything in over a week bc I shouldnt have to do for my AH what he could do for himself if he weren't on drugs- laundry, dishes, etc etc) I always feel better with a clean house and when things are in there place. I didn't call my husband all day, I started dinner on my own without waiting for him to come home like I usually do. He came home during the midst of me prepping and actually helped. I didn't talk to him much, but did talk to him more than I did yesterday. He was obviously f*d up, but I didnt feel as though I needed to talk to him or have him see me upset, kind of like I didn't give a crap I was going to go about my routine as I see fit for me. Then I played with my 2cats and my tiny little baby kitty, that always makes me feel good, atleast my cats love me & they don't lie to me either... My husband feel asleep right after dinner, like I said he's high and then drank 4-5 beers on top of that. So he began doping out right after dinner, slept on the couch until he just got up half an hour ago and went to bed. I was just watching tv and searching the web for craft ideas. Yes I was upset about him being high and drinking but I also felt a little free, like there wasnt any pressure of not knowing how to act around him. Guess that simple little drive helped me a little. And you know what? I am going to do a lil something for myself again tomorrow. :thanks

There ya go! Taking care of ourselves first......works.
gentle hugs
ke

Emptyshell, you are FANTASTIC. :egypt:

Emptyshell,

GOOD FOR YOU!

;)

I am impressed you did quite a few things for you today and plan on tomorrow as well :)

Keep taking care of you.

Emptyshell, I know exactly what you mean by how having a clean house just makes you feel better. I'm the same way. When I'm sitting at home and I start to get that "blah" feeling, I force myself to get up and clean or go for a walk or something productive and I feel much better. Keep doing these things for yourself, it definitely helps :)

Thank you all for your positive re-enforcement. I got my butt outta bed today and went to the thrift store, retail therapy helps a little too. Everything there costs .99 cents so I spent $7 on a variety of things and it was good to get out of the house today. My husband just came home to eat lunch (bc he was too lazy to pack his own lunch) and he wasn't messed up. He informed me that he called the Dr. and has an appt next Wed with her to get back on the suboxone. He then asked if I would like to go with him, and I said yes. So I guess its a good thing I backed off, he made the decision for himself and actually called, I am suprised to say the least. I am sure between now and then he will go on a crazy binge, but I guess we will see. Atleast there is some relief on the horizon and I plan to continue to do for me, and to live my life routine as I see fit for me not as I/he see fit for him. I know once I get a job I will feel alot better, I like to work and get outta the house and have $. I have applied to almost 25 jobs and have gotten no replys, ugh so frustrating being a brand new nurse, everyone wants experience but I can't get any! Hopefully something will come my way soon as I am broke and beginning to really worry about finances, especially if he goes back on subs. Meds& Dr visits are expensive. No I dont pay for it, he does but sometimes the bills back up at home. I would rather he pay for meds and the bills be a little late than buy drugs and bills not pd at all. IDK, Im just sick of being in a constant state of worry, if its not one thing its another...

You are doing great! I have applied for 26 jobs and finally got an interview this week, so hang in there!

It is SO hard to back off--but like you, as soon as I do, the As in my life make decisions for themselves. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. They were always making decisions for themselves anyway, but we didn't notice because we were so wrapped up in rescuing, helping and reacting to them. Keep remembering how GOOD it felt to detach a little bit. Maybe you don't go to the Dr. appt? Do you really need to go? Why? Just a little prodding because I would probably do the same but now I am learning to question my own actions with more scrutiny--what's my motivation, how will it serve me & my highest self?

GardenMama: I am going to the appt bc he asked me to go. I do realize that some of my motive is to make sure he actually goes, which is bad/controlling, i know. And another part of me wants to see the drug test results, I know he has been denying using & he makes me feel absolutely out of my mind crazy when he does that& spins his web of lies and manipulation! I guess part of me needs to know that I am NOT crazy, that my suspisions are true and to trust those instincts.
As far as the job search goes, I called about 15 of the jobs I applied for today and I am hoping that leaving all those messages will do me some good, maybe they'll dig my app&resume out of the pile and call me back. I can only hope!

you know what's best...i was just putting it out there. Best wishes for all of it! Keep us posted.