My AH died on Saturday of an overdose... 38 years old.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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My AH died on Saturday of an overdose... 38 years old.
Hi everyone,
I'm sitting here at my computer with only 2 hours of sleep over the past 36 hours. My eyes and throat are raw from crying and trying to rationalize, realize and ruminate over the death of my AH (his name was Chris) who tragically died of an overdose at around 11pm PST Sat evening in the basement bedroom of his mum's house.
Chris and I were separated for about 8 months now. I have posted quite a few times in the past (it really helps folks) to express my feelings and to figure out what my next steps were going to be. I felt that divorce was imminent but was dragging my feet on it. I went to no contact in the middle of March (it was so fecking hard) and as a result, his family also shunned me. Chris tried a few times to call, email or come knocking at our door for something. I was never afraid of him, but was mentally spent from all the chaos from the previous year and a half. I knew I was becoming physically sick from being with him in his addict state. He would have lucid periods which made it even harder for me to say "stop" (calling, texting, coming by) as everything in my being wanted to rush to him and say "Okay! I love you, let's do it again (and again and again and again...)
The police were involved about 3x this year just to warn Chris to just back off and leave me alone. I wanted him to focus on himself... his recovery but he just wanted to come home and be with 'his wife'... it was heart breaking. He was obsessive and frantic and miserable and so was I because although I wanted that more than anything, I wanted him sober and clean more. I was tired of the (eventual) verbal abuse, mocking, stealing, staying out all night, drinking excessively, porn watching, bullying, temper tantrums and lack of affection which he seemed to revert to after a short period of blissful normalcy. I was a sucker for this for almost 4 years (which was about 20+ times too many) and could not face one more episode of chaos.
So it was absolute NC from me at least ... and when we did speak (his initiating), I was cool and almost callous... I was still dealing with anger and frustration over his past treatment of me and that came out in the conversations. I of course still loved him as the day I married him, and now in my grieving, I'm the one obsessing over this... how I wish I was a little more kinder, gentler and loving, but how was I to know that he was going to play russian roulette for the last time?
***
I got the call yesterday morning at around 9 am from Chris' aunt who found out about him from Chris' mum. Chris' mum and her partner were returning home at around 11:00pm from a music festival. They opened the door to find a "crack *****" (their words) was running up from the basement. They asked who the f* she was and where Chris was... her answer: "He's down there... I think he's dead." and with that, she was gone. They rushed downstairs to find Chris lying there by the bed, face and surrounding area covered by this blackish bile - no pulse, no heart rate. They started CPR until medics came - brought his heart back working and a pulse, but his brain had 'exploded' and died.
I felt so sick... so bloody sick to my stomach hearing the words "He's dead." Throat constricted and feeling frantic, I called the hospital to which his sister (who hates me - prob. due to a phone call between her and I in Feb - another story) said that they didn't want me there - that it was just for family. "I'm still his wife!", I said. She said that we were separated and it wasn't the same (sticking her nose in our business). Well, with nurses and case workers involved, the 'family' finally relented and let me and Chris' best friend come and pay our respects.
With his sister standing guard at the door, I stood there and kissed his cold forehead and said I loved him. We bawled and left 5 minutes later as we were being rushed out in order for other 'family' to visit with him. I never felt so disrespected - like my 4 1/2 years with Chris meant NOTHING... like our relationship meant nothing....
I've been trying to rack my brain wondering what I did to make them loathe me. I now assume (after much ruminating on this today), that Chris told them HIS side of the story (whatever that was)... which of course, made me out to be someone as cold and callous as my phone manner was to him when I was re-affirming my boundaries of NC. I wanted Chris to get better... and wanted to see how it all went. I was hopeful as small as it was, that we would be reunited, but Chris saw my NC as a door slamming in his face of finality and vocalized his displeasure to those who picked up MY slack from a few months prior.
I know Chris was hurt and angry at my NC, but I did it out of love and respect not only for him, but especially for myself. I never cheated, lied (big ones anyway), stole, or USED ... I just was firm with NC to protect myself from seeing him destroy his life (and mine in the process).
I found out that at the beginning of July, he was "liking" some girl on fb and even went out on a date on Aug 3 (as his mum reported on her page). He had decided that weekend that he needed to 'move on' from us and when I heard that today, I was so sad and my grief was more overwhelming. I didn't want him to move on... I wanted him to get better!!
Well, long story even longer - I felt my visit above to pay my respects was too short and so I waited until 2:30 am on Sunday morning to drive an hour to sit with him at his bedside. His mum was there and we chatted a little... mostly, I sad there with gut wrenching sobs, holding his hand and just looking at his face - he looked... good. Handsome as hell... except for a tube running out his mouth and his eyes half open... he looked like he was sleeping. The hospital was warming his body at this point as they are trying to see what organs he may have that are viable for transplant. Of course, I had no say in this or in any future decisions with him and frankly, though I was/am hurt, I'm too exhausted from EVERYTHING to fight it.
When Chris' mum went out for a smoke, I was able to have 20 min just alone time with me and him... for the last time. I know he wasn't there mentally ... that he died on the bedroom floor the night before, but I was hoping that his spirit or 'something' was hanging around to hear my cries and confessions.
I then went home, slept for 2 hours and then have been talking and sobbing my way through my grief. I posted these parting words on fb:
"I found out the most heartbreaking news this morning that my husband Chris died yesterday of a drug overdose. I went to the hospital to say my goodbyes to him as they are keeping his body alive for organ transplants. I kissed his forehead about a half dozen times... it was too surreal to even comprehend him not being here but am forever grateful my friends Dave and Liz were there as well.
I am beyond saddened as l have lost my best friend. Even though we had been separated 8 months (due to his addictions), I still held some hope that he was going to get better and we would be husband and wife again. At the same time however, my life was just about waiting for that 'call' ... as it seemed his demons were winning this battle that was raging in him for so long. And finally they did.
Words can't express what he meant to me. I'm forever grateful I married him and that we shared a few really good years until the drugs and alcohol took him away from our union and ultimately, his life.
Attached was one of his favorite fotos of himself... I'm smiling through the tears because he knew he was a 'looker' and took really good care of himself... on the outside that is.
I love you Chris... I will always love you forever and always. May you be in peace... may you never be sad or lonely again and may you finally find solace where you are. xoxo"
I should try and get some sleep as I think today will bring it's own wave of grief to my door. I have gone back and forth DOZENS of times, beating myself up for being so firm with NC, things I said, calling the police, shunning him to protect my sanity.... and then realizing, it's what I HAD TO DO in order to protect MYSELF. Chris KNEW what he had to do to save himself and his marriage. I could not force him, threaten or even make promises to him in order for him to do it.
I'm still in shock... still saddened and distraught over the whys, what ifs and hows around his death... which is in itself too surreal to comprehend. He didn't have to die. It was so senseless and I'm left here with absolute NC forever now. It really, really sucks.
I'm sitting here at my computer with only 2 hours of sleep over the past 36 hours. My eyes and throat are raw from crying and trying to rationalize, realize and ruminate over the death of my AH (his name was Chris) who tragically died of an overdose at around 11pm PST Sat evening in the basement bedroom of his mum's house.
Chris and I were separated for about 8 months now. I have posted quite a few times in the past (it really helps folks) to express my feelings and to figure out what my next steps were going to be. I felt that divorce was imminent but was dragging my feet on it. I went to no contact in the middle of March (it was so fecking hard) and as a result, his family also shunned me. Chris tried a few times to call, email or come knocking at our door for something. I was never afraid of him, but was mentally spent from all the chaos from the previous year and a half. I knew I was becoming physically sick from being with him in his addict state. He would have lucid periods which made it even harder for me to say "stop" (calling, texting, coming by) as everything in my being wanted to rush to him and say "Okay! I love you, let's do it again (and again and again and again...)
The police were involved about 3x this year just to warn Chris to just back off and leave me alone. I wanted him to focus on himself... his recovery but he just wanted to come home and be with 'his wife'... it was heart breaking. He was obsessive and frantic and miserable and so was I because although I wanted that more than anything, I wanted him sober and clean more. I was tired of the (eventual) verbal abuse, mocking, stealing, staying out all night, drinking excessively, porn watching, bullying, temper tantrums and lack of affection which he seemed to revert to after a short period of blissful normalcy. I was a sucker for this for almost 4 years (which was about 20+ times too many) and could not face one more episode of chaos.
So it was absolute NC from me at least ... and when we did speak (his initiating), I was cool and almost callous... I was still dealing with anger and frustration over his past treatment of me and that came out in the conversations. I of course still loved him as the day I married him, and now in my grieving, I'm the one obsessing over this... how I wish I was a little more kinder, gentler and loving, but how was I to know that he was going to play russian roulette for the last time?
***
I got the call yesterday morning at around 9 am from Chris' aunt who found out about him from Chris' mum. Chris' mum and her partner were returning home at around 11:00pm from a music festival. They opened the door to find a "crack *****" (their words) was running up from the basement. They asked who the f* she was and where Chris was... her answer: "He's down there... I think he's dead." and with that, she was gone. They rushed downstairs to find Chris lying there by the bed, face and surrounding area covered by this blackish bile - no pulse, no heart rate. They started CPR until medics came - brought his heart back working and a pulse, but his brain had 'exploded' and died.
I felt so sick... so bloody sick to my stomach hearing the words "He's dead." Throat constricted and feeling frantic, I called the hospital to which his sister (who hates me - prob. due to a phone call between her and I in Feb - another story) said that they didn't want me there - that it was just for family. "I'm still his wife!", I said. She said that we were separated and it wasn't the same (sticking her nose in our business). Well, with nurses and case workers involved, the 'family' finally relented and let me and Chris' best friend come and pay our respects.
With his sister standing guard at the door, I stood there and kissed his cold forehead and said I loved him. We bawled and left 5 minutes later as we were being rushed out in order for other 'family' to visit with him. I never felt so disrespected - like my 4 1/2 years with Chris meant NOTHING... like our relationship meant nothing....
I've been trying to rack my brain wondering what I did to make them loathe me. I now assume (after much ruminating on this today), that Chris told them HIS side of the story (whatever that was)... which of course, made me out to be someone as cold and callous as my phone manner was to him when I was re-affirming my boundaries of NC. I wanted Chris to get better... and wanted to see how it all went. I was hopeful as small as it was, that we would be reunited, but Chris saw my NC as a door slamming in his face of finality and vocalized his displeasure to those who picked up MY slack from a few months prior.
I know Chris was hurt and angry at my NC, but I did it out of love and respect not only for him, but especially for myself. I never cheated, lied (big ones anyway), stole, or USED ... I just was firm with NC to protect myself from seeing him destroy his life (and mine in the process).
I found out that at the beginning of July, he was "liking" some girl on fb and even went out on a date on Aug 3 (as his mum reported on her page). He had decided that weekend that he needed to 'move on' from us and when I heard that today, I was so sad and my grief was more overwhelming. I didn't want him to move on... I wanted him to get better!!
Well, long story even longer - I felt my visit above to pay my respects was too short and so I waited until 2:30 am on Sunday morning to drive an hour to sit with him at his bedside. His mum was there and we chatted a little... mostly, I sad there with gut wrenching sobs, holding his hand and just looking at his face - he looked... good. Handsome as hell... except for a tube running out his mouth and his eyes half open... he looked like he was sleeping. The hospital was warming his body at this point as they are trying to see what organs he may have that are viable for transplant. Of course, I had no say in this or in any future decisions with him and frankly, though I was/am hurt, I'm too exhausted from EVERYTHING to fight it.
When Chris' mum went out for a smoke, I was able to have 20 min just alone time with me and him... for the last time. I know he wasn't there mentally ... that he died on the bedroom floor the night before, but I was hoping that his spirit or 'something' was hanging around to hear my cries and confessions.
I then went home, slept for 2 hours and then have been talking and sobbing my way through my grief. I posted these parting words on fb:
"I found out the most heartbreaking news this morning that my husband Chris died yesterday of a drug overdose. I went to the hospital to say my goodbyes to him as they are keeping his body alive for organ transplants. I kissed his forehead about a half dozen times... it was too surreal to even comprehend him not being here but am forever grateful my friends Dave and Liz were there as well.
I am beyond saddened as l have lost my best friend. Even though we had been separated 8 months (due to his addictions), I still held some hope that he was going to get better and we would be husband and wife again. At the same time however, my life was just about waiting for that 'call' ... as it seemed his demons were winning this battle that was raging in him for so long. And finally they did.
Words can't express what he meant to me. I'm forever grateful I married him and that we shared a few really good years until the drugs and alcohol took him away from our union and ultimately, his life.
Attached was one of his favorite fotos of himself... I'm smiling through the tears because he knew he was a 'looker' and took really good care of himself... on the outside that is.
I love you Chris... I will always love you forever and always. May you be in peace... may you never be sad or lonely again and may you finally find solace where you are. xoxo"
I should try and get some sleep as I think today will bring it's own wave of grief to my door. I have gone back and forth DOZENS of times, beating myself up for being so firm with NC, things I said, calling the police, shunning him to protect my sanity.... and then realizing, it's what I HAD TO DO in order to protect MYSELF. Chris KNEW what he had to do to save himself and his marriage. I could not force him, threaten or even make promises to him in order for him to do it.
I'm still in shock... still saddened and distraught over the whys, what ifs and hows around his death... which is in itself too surreal to comprehend. He didn't have to die. It was so senseless and I'm left here with absolute NC forever now. It really, really sucks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: AZ
Posts: 183
Chilling to read. Brought back a lot. I was married to a chronic alcoholic and went through very similar experiences, although he died after we had divorced. Still, his family (who I'd known for 40 years!!) never told me.
I also sat at my brother's bedside as he was brain dead and we were discontinuing life support. The talks... the surreal feeling... the grief... automatic pilot, full-volume numb. It hurts. It hurts bad.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I may not get the message right away, but I promise you I'll get it.
So glad you posted here. My heart goes out to you, and we're all here for you, I know. Break it down to minutes... breathe... drink water.... eat Something... and feel a hug from me! You'll get through.
I also sat at my brother's bedside as he was brain dead and we were discontinuing life support. The talks... the surreal feeling... the grief... automatic pilot, full-volume numb. It hurts. It hurts bad.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I may not get the message right away, but I promise you I'll get it.
So glad you posted here. My heart goes out to you, and we're all here for you, I know. Break it down to minutes... breathe... drink water.... eat Something... and feel a hug from me! You'll get through.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Words cannot say how very sorry I am, for Chris, for you, and for all who loved him. Each time addiction steals a loved one it breaks my heart.
Please remember that nothing you did or didn't do could have changed the outcome. In my heart, I know he knew how much you loved him. His family will realize that too one day, once they get past their own pain.
My prayers go out for you, today and in the days to come, that you may find peace with this one day and remember the good days and leave the bad days behind.
From my heart to yours, hugs.
Please remember that nothing you did or didn't do could have changed the outcome. In my heart, I know he knew how much you loved him. His family will realize that too one day, once they get past their own pain.
My prayers go out for you, today and in the days to come, that you may find peace with this one day and remember the good days and leave the bad days behind.
From my heart to yours, hugs.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
CFOM I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. I know how much this must hurt. Please add my prayers to those already being said. 
Please do not beat yourself up over HAVING to go no contact with this man. You really did not have any choice. As Ann said, there was nothing you could have done, or not done, or done differently that would have changed any of this. I really hate this disease.
Sending gentle hugs and many prayers of comfort.
I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. I know how much this must hurt. Please add my prayers to those already being said. Please do not beat yourself up over HAVING to go no contact with this man. You really did not have any choice. As Ann said, there was nothing you could have done, or not done, or done differently that would have changed any of this. I really hate this disease.
Sending gentle hugs and many prayers of comfort.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Dear Canfixonlyme - my prayers go out to you and to Chris.
Impossible to fathom your sense of loss and despair and shock. Chris's battle with this horrific disease of addiction is now over and he is at peace. I truly believe he did not die alone - that God and the Angels would have been with him - escorting his soul safely 'home'. I truly believe you and Chris will meet again - but when you see Chris again (when it is your time to leave this mortal coil) - Chris will be that young, handsome, smiling man you remember - and the man you love.
God be with you through this terrible time
Lara
Impossible to fathom your sense of loss and despair and shock. Chris's battle with this horrific disease of addiction is now over and he is at peace. I truly believe he did not die alone - that God and the Angels would have been with him - escorting his soul safely 'home'. I truly believe you and Chris will meet again - but when you see Chris again (when it is your time to leave this mortal coil) - Chris will be that young, handsome, smiling man you remember - and the man you love.
God be with you through this terrible time
Lara
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Canfixonlyme,
I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how sorry I am and what your wrote was beautiful. Please if you remember anything, anything at all, do not fault yourself for separating from him. God knew the number of his days before the foundations of the world. (not that it was Gods will for him to make those bad choices) but he already knew.
I pray you can catch some good sleep today.
(((HUGS))) Lily
I am so sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how sorry I am and what your wrote was beautiful. Please if you remember anything, anything at all, do not fault yourself for separating from him. God knew the number of his days before the foundations of the world. (not that it was Gods will for him to make those bad choices) but he already knew.
I pray you can catch some good sleep today.
(((HUGS))) Lily
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am sorry for your loss and the pain your are feeling.
Please know, this was NOT your fault. No matter what you did or did not do, he
has been headed this way for a long time.
His family has been upset with you, maybe partly from what he might have related
as 'his side' of the chaos, but more so, because he became 'their problem' as you
were no longer 'taking care of him.'
Please remember, he is free now. He is out of his pain and the hell he lived in for
so long.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you, Chris and his family.
Just think of the people he will now help with the organs and parts of his body that
have not been damaged by his disease.
I too am a donor and hope that some of my organs will still be good for use again,
even though I have diabetes.
My condolences to you and yours.
Love and hugs,
Please know, this was NOT your fault. No matter what you did or did not do, he
has been headed this way for a long time.
His family has been upset with you, maybe partly from what he might have related
as 'his side' of the chaos, but more so, because he became 'their problem' as you
were no longer 'taking care of him.'
Please remember, he is free now. He is out of his pain and the hell he lived in for
so long.
Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you, Chris and his family.
Just think of the people he will now help with the organs and parts of his body that
have not been damaged by his disease.
I too am a donor and hope that some of my organs will still be good for use again,
even though I have diabetes.
My condolences to you and yours.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
How very tragic that this disease has taken another young, beautiful life. There are no words that can express how very sorry I am for your loss. Please don't dwell too long on the reaction of Chris' family.....they too are grieving. They probably believe that somehow it was within your power or your responsibility to "cure" his addiction. But we all know that that wasn't possible.
Be gentle with yourself and know that you and all who loved Chris are in my prayers today.
gentle gentle hugs
ke
Be gentle with yourself and know that you and all who loved Chris are in my prayers today.
gentle gentle hugs
ke
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