Faithlove

My heart breaks for you and for your husband. I pray that you and those close to him will be surrounded by our Creator's comfort and peace. May the good memories you have of him flood your heart and may you continue to fight for him and honor his memory by helping others (as suggested by EnglishGarden). You did all you could do for him by giving him what he needed, boundaries. My prayers are with you.

zoso77

Words don't cut it. I am so, so sorry.

ZoSo

Morning Glory

I'm so sorry for your loss. We all know you love Chris and that your actions were meant to help and not harm.

When I leave my son homeless, in jail, stranded in another state, hungry, cold, etc... I know he may die. It is a risk I take when I take action to stop enabling. Not enabling is the best chance my son has of finding recovery. That doesn't mean he will find recovery. I went through a lot of pain before I was able to reach acceptance of the risk of my son dying when I was in no contact.

When I experience anger I know the extreme anger is coming from the pain that my son's addiction has caused. It takes time to get through the pain and anger. I also had to accept that my son might die when I'm angry. Our emotions are not something we can just turn off like a light bulb.

It is OK that Chris had this tragedy when you were angry. Your anger doesn't change the love and care you hold in your heart for him. It is my experience with my son that even when I am at my best he still does not comprehend how much I love him and the pain I have suffered for him. He doesn't have a clue. So even if I am kind and loving if or when he should die I still know he doesn't know how much I care. I can only wish, but I don't have an ounce of control over his thinking.

We let go when we have to. None of choose these terrible hard circumstances that force us into making decisions that go against everything we hold in our hearts. I'm so sorry for the extreme pain you are facing. It will get better.

Hugs,
MG

Anna

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Learn2Live

I am so sorry for your loss.

mayabee

I am so sorry. What a tragic thing.

peaceandgrace

You are in my prayers in your loss of Chris. NOTHING you could have done could save him. Remember him in his innocence before the wicked evil that is drugs overtook him.

Peace and Grace

Chino

I'm praying that the love you receive, from here and beyond, gently lifts the sorrow and pain that presses you down.

CarolD

Prayers going out to you and to all who love Chris ...

lightseeker

I am so so so sorry to hear of your loss. I really respect all that you wrote and appreciate the honesty and truth in the telling of your story. It is so clear that you had a deep love for Chris and I have no doubt that he knew it.

Addiction robs us of so much that is good and could be good. It's excruciating to reach the point of having to go NC (I have had to take the same steps that you did) but anyone that has dealt with addiction knows that it is the only way to keep from being destroyed yourself.

I know the situation with his family must be incredibly painful for you but you know the truth and in time, I trust that you will find peace and understanding. I am glad that you got that time with him at the hospital.......

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that you will continue to post and reach out because we really are here for you and care more than you know. Your story is my story and so many other people's story. We are not alone - and you are not alone - in our grief and our pain.

cangel2

Very sorry for your loss and wishing you healing peace as you move through this.

greeteachday

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did what was best for you and for Chris...I suspect that there may be times in the darkness of grief where you will question that and the what ifs will eat at you. Please know that it is true - you loved him unconditionally and showed that love by not enabling his addiction.

You are in my thoughts and prayers - I hope in time you will find comfort in the good memories of times you shared.

washbe2

So very, very sorry. May you find peace and comfort. I care.

SlimSlim

Rest in peace, Chris. You are now free from addiction and pain. May you smile down tenderly on your wife who loved you unconditionally.

CanfixONLYme, you have my deepest sympathy during this time of mourning. Your grief will be deep, as was your love for Chris. May time ease the sorrow you now feel and bring with it warm and happy memories of the young man you fell in love with.

There is a new star shining in the heavens upon us.

neferkamichael

Iam so sorry for your loss CanfixOnlyme.

secretlyscared

Reading this brought me overwhelming tears, because this is my biggest fear,, what its stopping me from walking out and not looking back. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and everyone involved.

oooopps

I'm so sorry for your pain and sadness. This was very hard for me to read because the addict I was involved with was also named Chris and at one point I loved him very deeply. Your story could have been me and I realize that. May you find peace and comfort.

Meeko

I am so so very sorry for your loss. Continue to reach out whenever you need to. Take care of you.
Jenn

SeekingGrowth

I am so very sorry for your loss and can empathize so much with your pain. I lost my AS in April. The last time I saw him, I was telling him that he couldn't stay with me, that he had to leave and find somewhere else to stay because I couldn't tolerate the continued drug use. He left ... and was murdered a day later at the place he chose to stay.

Like you, I find it very hard to forgive myself for the things I said and did in those last months that caused him pain. And it hurts so much that our last interaction was negative, that there wasn't a last hug and an "I love you" as he walked dejected and hurt out my door. But like you, I couldn't have known what the future held.

He left you with no choice but to protect yourself. He was going down and he was taking you with him. As others have said, there was NOTHING you could have done to change the path he was on - only he could do that. Addiction is a progressive disease, and unless he took steps to put the beast in a cage, things were going to get worse no matter WHAT you did or didn't do. You did not cause this outcome and you had no role in causing this outcome. It could just as easily have happened with you, in your house, because you know that your love would not have changed his path. As many have said on this board, if our love could get our addict into recovery, none of us would be here.

Your AH is in a better place now, where he no longer feels pain, misery, or defeat. Our HP saw what was happening and blessed your AH and those who love him by saying "enough already," and taking him out.

I know you will be crying over this for a long time to come. I still shed a few tears over the loss of my AS nearly every day. The grieving process is tough, but you will get through it. Your life with your AH and dealing with his death is part of your life's journey. There are lessons here that you are meant to learn.

My heart truly goes out to you. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I found an activity in the past month that has been very healing for me, much better than talking to any therapist, and I'd be happy to share it with you when you are ready.

Many hugs,

Lauren

Sunshine2

((( I am so sorry for your loss ))).

I think when something like this happens, it is hard not to feel some guilt. I know when my brother committed suicide, I wondered for years what I could have done differently. It was only when speaking to a therapist that I realised no matter what I did differently, I could not prevent the outcome.

You did what you could to help Chris and it took you a long time to get to the point where you left him. Even if you didn't leave him, the chances are very good that the outcome would have been the same. I hope you take a lot of time to look after yourself.