FenwayFaithful

My question is simple.

Does it ever stop? You know they were bad for you, they couldn't be enough for you...but it doesn't meant it doesn't hurt when you leave them or they leave you.

So when does it stop? I need it to stop. It's only been 4 days since I found out he was arrested and I cant stand it anymore.

It's not like it's the first time. Why didn't I leave him before? I just held on for deal life for those moment when things were good. Those moment were like a hit of the worlds best dope for a heroin addict.

I need the pain to let up. Just for a few hours. I just want to feel good.

At least when I was with him things were good and I could feel good and get that relief.

crazybabie

There is no simple answer it stops when you heal, the more you work on yourself the better chance you have of healing sooner people divorce, separate, break- upeven when drugs and jail/prison are not involved.

Sometimes, love just isn't enough.

lesliej

it's just like being in withdrawals...
you need lots and lots of self care...whatever you can do for yourself to get through the beginning. baths. I also have a park/reserve where I would walk, a lot, and with sunglasses on, and just let myself cry...and then the crying would pass.
I probably abused sugar a bit
I would pet my own head as I laid down on the pillow, and kept books there for when I couldn't sleep...
you have to feel what you're going to feel
and you can do it in bits and pieces...
but it DOES pass!!
and clarity gains ground everyday
and the clarity and relief are rather amazing
you will be okay.

oooopps

FenwayFaithful, it does stop and I'm telling you from the other side of the bridge.

I was once in so much pain. Even breathing would hurt. My heart just ached and I carried within me so much sadness.

Time really does heal. While time seems to move slowly while you're in pain, it really doesnt move slow at all. Time flies. One day you will look back at this whole experience and smile again. That is assuming that you dont make the same mistakes again with men of course.

If you want to stop hurting, you must cut off and keep away what will hurt you. So if you were in a relationship with an addict, it means No contact. Let the person go on his journey while you continue on yours. One day you will not care so much about him anymore... you may wish him the best or just feel indifferent because your path no longer intertwine and that really is a wonderful thing.

I've come to a point where I just feel grateful. Yes, even towards the addict. Sometimes in my heart I will just think "Thank you x for not getting me sick or giving me any diseases. I still have a chance to have a fabulous life and meet and be with great people." I dont live under this heavy fear that comes with the addict and addiction. That alone is such a gift and I embrace it so much.

Life is good but you must do the work also. Surround yourself with good people. Work for your happiness. Cut off the toxicity. Find your inner voice and work on your inner strength. Smile just because you can.

FenwayFaithful

Sorry for last nights post I was feeling particularly horrible last night. I feel kind of stupid about it now.

I want to go to Al Anon but I don't know where to tell my parents I'll be for an hour and I can't tell them the truth.

Sometimes it just hits me like a red-hot iron and the pain doesn’t let up for hours. It can be a little insanity inducing.

I know someday I’ll look back on this and be happy things turned out the way they did. I wasn’t strong enough to end the relationship although I know it needed to. I guess God had a different plan for me.

I just wish it wasn’t one that made my EXABF suffer so much. But maybe God has a plan for him too…maybe he needs to suffer more before he can get better. I really do hope he does. Maybe he’s better off in jail. At least in jail he’s less likely to kill himself.

I hope I get to the point that you two are at. I know it was just a week ago that he was arrested. Not even a week ago. But it’s been a week since we’ve been no contact under circumstances I didn’t choose but I guess were chosen for me.

It’s 5:30 AM out here. Sleep still isn’t coming easy. And there still isn’t a time when I’m not 100 percent free of pain but it comes in waves/lulls. I guess I should be thankful it isn’t constant

I am pretty severely depressed (obviously) and I don’t think it’s just over this. And it makes me really sick too. That a let someone else do this to me again. That I allowed another person, especially one who I know had a past worm his way into my heart again and control me.

I need to stop falling into these relationships where the “love” I have allows the other person to completely control my emotions and manipulate me.

crazybabie

first I would like to say IMO there are no stupid post and you are NOT stupid

This, is a 24/7 board and when we feel like you were feeling it is a great place too get your feelings out.

You likely even helped someone maybe someone who has already joined or someone who isn't a member someone could be feeling like you and the responses you got have been viewed by many.

outtolunch

I am going to assume you are not a minor.

I am confused. Your ex is a convicted felon and sooner or later will be doing more time. He's a drug addict. How did you manage to get so involved with someone like this and now fear your parent's reaction to doing something good for yourself?

FenwayFaithful

My parents didn’t know I was continuing to see him after he got arrested in April. Even they didn’t think I’d be that stupid. I’m not a minor. I’m almost 24. I was living with my EXABF for a bit because my parents told me that if I wanted to have this person in my life I couldn’t be in there and I stupidly chose him (My parents are good people/mean well but my home life is far from perfect), This was a while ago when we first started dating. They warned me that he was an addict, that he would start using again… then I got into a master’s program upstate and I moved out there last year. However, my job is in Boston. Rather then stupidly pay two rents by having a place in Boston and upstate I simply stay with my parents when I’m home. They’re very my house my rules.
They never liked me going to AA, they’re very judgmental types. And I can’t just leave the house. They always want to know where I’m going, who I’ll be with, when I’ll be back etc… and I can’t exactly say I’m going to Al Anon because they’d be against it anyway and even if they weren’t they literally had no idea I was seeing my ex.
I feel guilty for all the lies I told them to stay with this scumbag. I screwed up my relationship with them. I just thought he was different. Turns out my parents were 150 percent right and I should have never gotten involved in the first place.
I just felt like finally, I feel a connection someone other then my first ex (who also became an addict after coming back from Iraq). It was pretty damn stupid.
I don’t know I can probably come up with something say I’m going to the mall to run a few errands or whatever.

outtolunch

They probably have no clue what Alanon is all about. If they did, they would realize you want to learn new skills to make better choices going forward.

What if you asked your mom and/or dad to join you?

lesliej

"My parents didn’t know I was continuing to see him after he got arrested in April. Even they didn’t think I’d be that stupid. I’m not a minor. I’m almost 24. I was living with my EXABF for a bit because my parents told me that if I wanted to have this person in my life I couldn’t be in there and I stupidly chose him (My parents are good people/mean well but my home life is far from perfect), This was a while ago when we first started dating. They warned me that he was an addict, that he would start using again… then I got into a master’s program upstate and I moved out there last year. However, my job is in Boston. Rather then stupidly pay two rents by having a place in Boston and upstate I simply stay with my parents when I’m home. They’re very my house my rules.
They never liked me going to AA, they’re very judgmental types. And I can’t just leave the house. They always want to know where I’m going, who I’ll be with, when I’ll be back etc… and I can’t exactly say I’m going to Al Anon because they’d be against it anyway and even if they weren’t they literally had no idea I was seeing my ex.
I feel guilty for all the lies I told them to stay with this scumbag. I screwed up my relationship with them. I just thought he was different. Turns out my parents were 150 percent right and I should have never gotten involved in the first place.
I just felt like finally, I feel a connection someone other then my first ex (who also became an addict after coming back from Iraq). It was pretty damn stupid.
I don’t know I can probably come up with something say I’m going to the mall to run a few errands or whatever."

When you do find a way to make it to a meeting, which will probably be a great relief for you...and when you do attend meetings and get yourself a caring compassionate sponsor...I am quite sure that that sponsor will speak to you about the importance of self-talk as part of self-care. your use of the word stupid is hard to see, you are really beating yourself up and maybe you could use a little more compassion and self love.

all of us here have made the same mistakes in our lives, we have followed our hearts into places that were destructive...that is precisely where we have gained all of our experience, strength and hope...

your experience will help someone, I am sure that it already is. hearing you use the word stupid triggers that part of my own being which is a harsh self-critic. it comes as no surprise that you might have that voice if you live in a home where your parents would judge you for seeking out some support and healing. when you want to call yourself stupid, just observe that part of yourself...it is the harsh parent within you berating the child part that needs love.

your writing, your being in a masters program, and your willingness to be here and expressing yourself and wishing to move forward and heal...all of these things point to your inner wisdom and attentiveness to life. love yourself, faithfully...begin today and everyday with some loving affirmations for your own gentle spirit

Fandy

you might actually feel better if you sat down with your parents (all adults here) and told them the truth. It just might free up your anxiety of all the lies you have been telling and living with.

and explain that you are getting HELP for making better decisions through your life with Al Anon. the pain of lying to your parents since April must be very difficult to live with when you see them every day; and they might already know and hope you will come to them.

SundaysChild

There are meetings at all times of day - early morning, during the day, in the evening - 7 days a week. The Massachusetts AlAnon website has a searchable database that will help you find one who can "tack on" to some other activity you're leaving the house for.

It sounds to me that you could really use the connections you'll make at a meeting. You'll find people you can call whenever you need support, or to gain perspective on an issue. While online support, such as here at SR, is great, meeting face to face with people, and realizing that there are hundreds of people in similar situations right in your community, can really help to assuage the isolation.

You seem like a bright, strong, courageous young woman. Congratulations on the steps you've already taken to get your life on the right track for you.

fourmaggie

HONESTY is the first rule of thumb to a moving forward life....

I wanted to comment about the expectations of your parents...you really dont know if you where up front and honest with them and told them you made a mistake, you are only human, and you need help, and with help is these meetings....etc,

or you leave the house, and if they ask...say, "I am going to a therapy group" or nothing at all...

no excuses would stop me from my program...especially when i need a meeting NOW...

crazybabie

While you make your decision about how to get to meetings have you considered picking up a copy or checking it out of the library Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, I feel sure you can read and your parents not get upset if you feel you have to check out a few more books to keep with it at least you would have a start on learning some new things.

FenwayFaithful

Aw you guys are so sweet. I mean really, thank you so much for all the kind words, they mean a lot to me.
We are all our own harshest critics. I’ve just made a lot of mistakes, mostly with men. Sometimes I let me heart do the talking. And I want to save someone. I have plenty of great guys in my life. Nice, good looking, well rounded men that are going somewhere in life. And yet I always go for the addicts, the bad boys, the ones from the wrong sides of the tracks the ones who I feel need me, instead of want me.
I think part of it stems from my dangerously low self-esteem which as pointed out by Leslie is probably pretty obvious. I went through some things as a child that probably triggered my low self—esteem and I feel that is part of why I end up in te relationships I do.
I do feel I am pretty good at taking a step back and analyzing what’s going on with me. I just don’t always listen to myself. But I’d like to think I know myself pretty well. It’s changing and overcoming my issues that I struggle with.
I’m sure I can find a way to get to a meeting soon. I think you are all right that it would help me imminsly to do so. I really need to make some connections with “real life” people who understand what I’m going through. I think it would help quite a bit.
I don’t think I can come clean about the fact that I was still seeing him after April. I’ve already done irretrievable damage to my relationship with my parents (which was never great in the first place) by dating this guy. And we are finally starting to get back on good terms… and he’s 100 percent out of my life now…well at least 95 percent…so I guess I figure why bring up something that isn’t an issue anymore?
Maybe I should be I am kind of ashamed of myself for continuing to see him after what he did in April. That I continued to see him despite the fact that he went through every text in my phone, called me a b**** and heartless and cold… I don’t know. It’s just not something I want to go around bragging about.
As for Codependent No More I actually was given that book by my EXABF’s Mom but never read it. Perhaps I should find it and give it a read!
For the record I am leaving in a few short weeks for my own apartment. I am going to look into student health services for therapy and I know there is a weekly Al Anon meeting on campus.
I'm feeling okay today. I'm starting to see God has a plan for me. A plan that doesn't involve some of the horrible things I'm reading about on here like a women's AH locking her children in the car or someone breaking into the house they once shared. I am trying to count myself lucky that God is taking this man out of my life before anything more serious happens. I do have some moments I cherished with him and I have learned things being with him.
I'm not saying it doesn't hurt because and does and I know I'll probably feel as low when I made my OP last night but deep down I know this is for the best. Even if I miss him. I miss who he used to be. That man is gone.
I know I have to move on be happy with myself focus on school, my career and my happiness. For once in my life I need to think about me and do some painful work on myself instead of constantly focusing on fixing someone else.

lightseeker

Hi Fenway....

I definitely know about the searing pain that you speak of....red hot poker is an apt description. I can't tell you how many times I broke up with my ex husband (then BF) and then got back with him because of the pain. It was horrible to go through the pain of the relationship but for a long while the pain of breaking up felt even worse It was a vicious cycle.

So, how did I get to the point where I could endure it and go ahead and make it to the other side? (because there IS the other side and you WILL get there). I got here by laying the ground work that supported me to manage the pain. I read a lot of the Alanon books, the Melody Beattie books, went to meetings, and developed friendships with other people in recovery. And I hung really close to this forum. It helps to get a sponsor as well.

As far as going to Alanon.....I've always believed that you are only as sick as your secrets. You really don't have to go into detail with anybody other than to say that your life has been affected by someone in addiction and you want to learn how to get healthier for you.

I always referred to the pain that you are talking about as a "gut ache". It really is/was visceral. I realized that the ache was actually an emptiness and it felt like I just had a gaping hole. I was completely shocked when I first heard other people talking about the "hole". I really thought that I was the only person that knew about the hole.....NOT SO!!!! It just means that there are hurt and wounded places within us that we are trying to fill in unhealthy ways. Because we have these hurts and wounds it seems like we find other hurt and wounded people to become involved with.... so you can see how the whole thing gets perpetuated.

I think that I finally started to feel better when I began to realize that someone else (as in my partner) was not the one to fix me. I had to develop the coping skills and boundaries that allowed me to make better choices and take better care of myself.

I finally realized how deep my addiction to my ex husband ran last fall - I've never experienced anything like that pain in my life. It was then that I finally understood how an addict must feel when they are jonesing for their drug. It felt like every nerve fiber was on fire needing to reach out and get a hit of "interaction" with my ex. It didn't make sense that I was feeling that way because I was the one that had left him due to the way that he treated me. That's when I got it that I probably was suffering from a relationship addiction. The neurochemicals that my brain made - and were deprived of without him in my life - screamed for a hit. Honestly, I just white knuckled through it. I upped my meetings and eventually I was able to make it to the other side. Then, I experienced a prolonged period of shear numbness....it's a stage that addicts go through called anedonia.....I felt like I was just going through the motions of living.

All of this is not said to deter you from taking the steps to get healthy. It's to let you know that you are not alone and that other people have experienced something similar and got through to the other side.

You are young....I so wish that I had taken my experiences from that stage of my life and found recovery. I didn't even know that I had a problem or that there was a solution. You are way ahead of the game!!!!! The skills and tools that you have the opportunity to learn will help you deal with the pain that you are feeling but also will help you to have a much healthier future. It took me several relationships with addicts to begin to understand what a problem that I have and how to begin to heal and get healthy.

Glad that you are posting - sending you hugs...

Windmills

Re the OP.
It doesn't stop hurting all at once. It's tiny tiny amounts every day, probably directly proportionate to how hard you're working on yourself. But one day you'll sit down at night and realise you didn't think about him all day. I promise. And it won't always be moving forwards, sometimes you will move backwards 10 steps or run round in circles for what feels like lightyears. I can't tell your pain will disappear but I can promise you that over time it will diminish. It won't always feel like you've taken a knife to the heart, it'll fade. Give yourself time.

zoso77

FF,

I think a better question is "When will I heal?" Because whether you're aware of it or not, the answer to that question is entirely up to you.

In my opinion, we start to heal when we decide to detach fully, completely, irrevocably. The reason why we do that is we can't take being around the addict in our lives anymore. And, yeah, when we do that, it hurts like hell. But it's a start. There's no turning back, and that means we have to face and deal with a lot of really intense feelings that can get pretty overwhelming. From the sound of it, that's where you are right now. And I empathize, FF. I really, really do.

I hate to say it takes time to heal, but it's really the truth. You have to accept where you are right now. You have to accept that your AXBF is sick, is not choosing to accountable and choosing not to embrace recovery, and is out of your life. And with good reason. You also have to acknowledge that if he were in your life, he'd be too much for you to handle emotionally.

When my AXGF left the picture, I took solace in Al Anon. I shared. I allowed others to comfort me. I accepted responsibility for my choices to hang on to the relationship much, much longer than I should have. I prayed...a lot. Al Anon was invaluable. And...after a month or so, the good days started to outnumber the bad days. Seven months later, I'm a lot happier without her than I ever was with her...and I don't rely on anyone for my happiness. It's all from within.

Do I miss her? Pardon the profanity, but f**k no. Does what she did still sting? Sure. It doesn't necessarily hurt, but the aggregate sum of her behavior sickens me and, if I allow to, pisses me off. And then I keep marching forward.

I'm not trying marginalize your pain, or your suffering. I really wish you didn't have to go through this. But in order to truly heal, we have to sometimes accept things that we don't want to accept. And in your case, you have to accept he's gone. Although you're in too much pain to really see it, this is a blessing for you.

Not sure what you like for music...that said, Rush's new album came out a couple of months back. The closing track is called "The Garden". It's one of the few songs that, on first listen, has made me cry. The song is really about growth and understanding that the things that are important in life are the love and respect that we not only have for others, but also for ourselves. That's our metaphorical garden, our deeds, our attitudes, and how we take care of ourselves and what we give to those we love. And we have to tend to that garden. "In the fullness of time/A garden to nurture and protect...it's a measure of a life."

Rush-"The Garden"-2012 HQ - YouTube

FYI...I'm also from Massachusetts. If you want to send me a PM, feel free. Hang in there, do your best.

God Bless,
ZoSo

Vale

It takes time,and a willingness to step away from what is hurting you.
I tried everything EXCEPT no contact.....(everything short)

NC did the trick.

Hard to do.....like anything worthwhile in life.

crazybabie

zoso, thanks for posting that song I have never heard it seems that was what I needed today.