Something I read is.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Something I read is.....
I read a post by Vale (hope you don't mind Vale) that said something about wearing armor around an addict. Do not share any vulnerabilities because they will exploit them.
Why is this??
Do they really do this or do we codependents take too much to heart?
Why is this??
Do they really do this or do we codependents take too much to heart?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think it is true in a figurative way. My son always knew which buttons to push...the guilt button, the mother button, the want to trust button...whichever one he could find that worked for the day.
That doesn't mean we need to hide, it means we need to keep our boundaries clear and in place, and back them with consequences if broken. We need to keep our codie recovery behaviour in place and not slip back into old ways of "reacting" to their actions, but instead take pause and choose our words wisely...or choose to say nothing at all and just not participate in their quarrel.
Going to meetings, coming here and working my program of recovery helps me even today to remain healthy and free of my old thinking and ways.
Hugs
That doesn't mean we need to hide, it means we need to keep our boundaries clear and in place, and back them with consequences if broken. We need to keep our codie recovery behaviour in place and not slip back into old ways of "reacting" to their actions, but instead take pause and choose our words wisely...or choose to say nothing at all and just not participate in their quarrel.
Going to meetings, coming here and working my program of recovery helps me even today to remain healthy and free of my old thinking and ways.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I agree with Ann that this is a boundary issue. Boundaries between an addicted love one and an "anon" can be blurred (and quickly become blurry). We each have engrained coping mechanisms that allow us - or are perceived to be - a way to deal with life and relationships. It is easy (at least for me) to fall into "the trance" where things get confusing.
I know that my ex husband (an addict) will say hurtful and horrible things when things don't go his way. Yes....I have learned to wear armour around him. The sad thing is that I have let that armour down repeatedly hoping/thinking/wishing that things were different. I've exposed my vulnerabilities to him and when the "addict" in him is in full gear he will say and do whatever he thinks will get the responses from me that he wants. He has used shame, guilt, anger, kindness, understanding, intimidation, persuasion, etc. at any given moment. The motive behind any of those behaviors is generally manipulative however. So yes.....he definitely uses my vulnerabilities that I have shared with him and that he noticed on his own.
I have been so disappointed and hurt throughout the years by repeatedly opening my heart to him that yes....I have armour on. And wisely so. If I ever see signs that anything has really changed (working a program, sobriety, having a sponsor, service work, etc) then I trust myself to recognize it and remove the appropriate pieces of armour (or not).
I've noticed that it makes him angry that I will not remove the armour. I have been an appeaser and pleaser in my past but have learned that waivering only results in further pain for myself. I have trusted first and asked for proof of worthiness of that trust second - until now. It is unwise for me to go through life that trusting. Trust is something that is earned - not given.
I certainly don't want to go through life armoured and brittle. It's my job in my own recovery to develop the trust in myself that allows me to know when the armour is needed and who it is needed with. Like anything, having "armour" has it's good sides and it's not so good sides. Discernment......ahhhhhh....that's the word that I have been seeking!
If we take too much to heart then I believe it is a part of us that has been wounded repeatedly and is signaling us that we have work to do on learning to take care of ourselves in healthy ways. I know that my "sensitivity" has been a way that my ex husband attempted to blame and criticize me and my boundaries. I don't want to become a thick skinned/callous person in order to hang with an addict....being sensitive might just be another word for prudent and being aware. Are we listening to the message that sensitivity is attempting to give when we get that message? I think that my problem has been I haven't been sensitive enough - sensitive to my own needs and rights.
one last comment....when I say an "addict" I do not mean to offend or just cast a label on a person. And more importantly, I don't even mean someone that is ingesting a substance. I mean someone that operates from a mind set where their behaviors, actions, responses are still consistent with someone in active addiction whether they are "using" or not. Even when my ex husband was sober he was storing up information that the "addict" in him uses like a samarai knife....slicing deeply and inflicting gabing wounds. Of course, I wear armour around him....why would I want to keep getting cut and eviscerated. Bleeding out isn't good and there are only so many transfusions you should keep getting.
I know that my ex husband (an addict) will say hurtful and horrible things when things don't go his way. Yes....I have learned to wear armour around him. The sad thing is that I have let that armour down repeatedly hoping/thinking/wishing that things were different. I've exposed my vulnerabilities to him and when the "addict" in him is in full gear he will say and do whatever he thinks will get the responses from me that he wants. He has used shame, guilt, anger, kindness, understanding, intimidation, persuasion, etc. at any given moment. The motive behind any of those behaviors is generally manipulative however. So yes.....he definitely uses my vulnerabilities that I have shared with him and that he noticed on his own.
I have been so disappointed and hurt throughout the years by repeatedly opening my heart to him that yes....I have armour on. And wisely so. If I ever see signs that anything has really changed (working a program, sobriety, having a sponsor, service work, etc) then I trust myself to recognize it and remove the appropriate pieces of armour (or not).
I've noticed that it makes him angry that I will not remove the armour. I have been an appeaser and pleaser in my past but have learned that waivering only results in further pain for myself. I have trusted first and asked for proof of worthiness of that trust second - until now. It is unwise for me to go through life that trusting. Trust is something that is earned - not given.
I certainly don't want to go through life armoured and brittle. It's my job in my own recovery to develop the trust in myself that allows me to know when the armour is needed and who it is needed with. Like anything, having "armour" has it's good sides and it's not so good sides. Discernment......ahhhhhh....that's the word that I have been seeking!
If we take too much to heart then I believe it is a part of us that has been wounded repeatedly and is signaling us that we have work to do on learning to take care of ourselves in healthy ways. I know that my "sensitivity" has been a way that my ex husband attempted to blame and criticize me and my boundaries. I don't want to become a thick skinned/callous person in order to hang with an addict....being sensitive might just be another word for prudent and being aware. Are we listening to the message that sensitivity is attempting to give when we get that message? I think that my problem has been I haven't been sensitive enough - sensitive to my own needs and rights.
one last comment....when I say an "addict" I do not mean to offend or just cast a label on a person. And more importantly, I don't even mean someone that is ingesting a substance. I mean someone that operates from a mind set where their behaviors, actions, responses are still consistent with someone in active addiction whether they are "using" or not. Even when my ex husband was sober he was storing up information that the "addict" in him uses like a samarai knife....slicing deeply and inflicting gabing wounds. Of course, I wear armour around him....why would I want to keep getting cut and eviscerated. Bleeding out isn't good and there are only so many transfusions you should keep getting.
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