Any parents of an A want to talk about what this does to your marriage?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
Any parents of an A want to talk about what this does to your marriage?
If this is not an appropriate topic - just let me know. I will find somewhere else to vent.
My AS is 23; it has been 1.5 years; we have known about for 6 mos. I suggested Al-Anon meetings and my H response was ' what more do we need to know about this?' omg. His thought is man-up and just stop. And turn over every paycheck to us so we can control your money...... I feel I am dealing with crazies on all sides!!
b.
My AS is 23; it has been 1.5 years; we have known about for 6 mos. I suggested Al-Anon meetings and my H response was ' what more do we need to know about this?' omg. His thought is man-up and just stop. And turn over every paycheck to us so we can control your money...... I feel I am dealing with crazies on all sides!!
b.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My husband coped with our son's addiction in an entirely different way than I did. My son rarely misbehaved when my husband was home, so it was left mainly between me and my son to work out. My husband had a 24 hour business that required him to work odd hours so he easily avoided a lot of the chaos.
He did, however, support my recovery. I went to meetings and began working a program that probably saved my life. My husband never went to meetings, but he did listen when I shared what I learned. I was more visibly emotional, he played his emotional cards close to his chest.
My point is, that I believe it is not unusual to have different views or methods of handling things. What is important is that you don't interfere with each other.
Practice your recovery, and let your husband cope in his own way...this would be my suggestion. You know your marriage better than I, so perhaps it will be different for you.
I can only share how it was for me, and it seemed to work somehow.
Good luck, it's hard being the mama of an addicted child.
Hugs
He did, however, support my recovery. I went to meetings and began working a program that probably saved my life. My husband never went to meetings, but he did listen when I shared what I learned. I was more visibly emotional, he played his emotional cards close to his chest.
My point is, that I believe it is not unusual to have different views or methods of handling things. What is important is that you don't interfere with each other.
Practice your recovery, and let your husband cope in his own way...this would be my suggestion. You know your marriage better than I, so perhaps it will be different for you.
I can only share how it was for me, and it seemed to work somehow.
Good luck, it's hard being the mama of an addicted child.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think this is an excellent topic for this forum! There is no doubt that addiction has an impact on everyone in the family and can be particularly taxing on a marriage.
During the height of my codependent behavior, my dear husband knew instinctively that getting between me and my son would be no different than getting between an addict and their drug of choice. It would cause havoc with OUR relationship. That's often what addiction does. It causes friction between other family members as they struggle to deal with the chaos created by the addict's behaviors.....while the attention is diverted, the addict has an easier time functioning in their addiction. Unfortunately, a strong codependent (like me) can cause as much havoc and divisiveness as the addict.
My husband took a very hands off approach.....he managed to detach with love but he also had to detach with love from me and MY behavior. Sometimes I'm amazed that our marriage has survived.......my husband's calm, strong, and very patient approach was a big reason that it did.
In our situation, the primary "crazy" people were me and my AS.
gentle hugs
ke
During the height of my codependent behavior, my dear husband knew instinctively that getting between me and my son would be no different than getting between an addict and their drug of choice. It would cause havoc with OUR relationship. That's often what addiction does. It causes friction between other family members as they struggle to deal with the chaos created by the addict's behaviors.....while the attention is diverted, the addict has an easier time functioning in their addiction. Unfortunately, a strong codependent (like me) can cause as much havoc and divisiveness as the addict.
My husband took a very hands off approach.....he managed to detach with love but he also had to detach with love from me and MY behavior. Sometimes I'm amazed that our marriage has survived.......my husband's calm, strong, and very patient approach was a big reason that it did.
In our situation, the primary "crazy" people were me and my AS.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 33
In my case, my 23yr old son is my husband's stepson.
His heroin addiction has caused plenty of strife between us. When we first found out about this addiction (last Dec), my husband was immensely supportive. Then, after awhile, it seemed to me like he wasn't as involved in the situation as he "should be". Our son was living 1500 miles away, so it wasn't daily, physically in our face. But that didn't stop me from obsessing over it constantly, and I actually ended up accusing him "of not caring enough" because he wasn't biologically his. He didn't appreciate that too much.
I know he does care about and love him very much, and he has helped him out a lot (when my son is making the right choices), and he has given me lots of support, too. But, there are still times when we disagree over how I'm handling things and I am probably still quicker to forgive negative behaviors in my son.
This damn addiction messes with everything including solid, loving marriages! Ann is right, everyone deals with this BS differently, and I try to remember that when my husband is telling me once again to let something go and even though I know he's right, it feels next to impossible to do it!
His heroin addiction has caused plenty of strife between us. When we first found out about this addiction (last Dec), my husband was immensely supportive. Then, after awhile, it seemed to me like he wasn't as involved in the situation as he "should be". Our son was living 1500 miles away, so it wasn't daily, physically in our face. But that didn't stop me from obsessing over it constantly, and I actually ended up accusing him "of not caring enough" because he wasn't biologically his. He didn't appreciate that too much.
I know he does care about and love him very much, and he has helped him out a lot (when my son is making the right choices), and he has given me lots of support, too. But, there are still times when we disagree over how I'm handling things and I am probably still quicker to forgive negative behaviors in my son.
This damn addiction messes with everything including solid, loving marriages! Ann is right, everyone deals with this BS differently, and I try to remember that when my husband is telling me once again to let something go and even though I know he's right, it feels next to impossible to do it!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
I think this may have been written by me! As the mom of a 22 yr old 5+ yr addict.....We have had our share of ups/downs....My husband and I are on 2 completely different pages...BUT I am happy to say that we went to our FIRST NA meeting last Wednesday night....It was a great group of people and I know I will be going back for a long long time...My spouse liked it too...Maybe he will go maybe not? Anyway we are to the point of having very serious marriage issues as a direct result of our son....Keep working at it....You are not alone in this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
I can understand what you are both saying (you are both very thoughtful people), but what if he is the enabler and doesn't believe in this, doesn't see what is happening. He wants to control, is determined to control. Ok, now I need to find a 'help me with my marriage website' So many issues to work on at once. Thank you for listening, reading, .... Did you have issues with blame? Why did you leave that checkbook where he could find it; why did you not notice that he was alone long enough to take something....... I have repeated often - it is not my fault that AS did that. mantra. ok, back to the marriage website. Again, how many issues do we have to deal with at one time...
b.
b.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 71
I am the "stronger" one in dealing with our AS. My spouse is a BIG TIME enabler...This last time I kicked him out for 3 weeks...only to find out my spouse had been letting him sleep at our shop! It is a struggle EVERY day for us...and I think after all this time...my spouse is FINALLY getting it...We are still a work in progress around here...that will never ever stop...
Just keep coming back here...it does help to know your not alone (or crazy) And try an NA meeting...
Just keep coming back here...it does help to know your not alone (or crazy) And try an NA meeting...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
Thanks everyone for letting me know I am not alone in the marriage struggles. And yes, this addiction messes with everything. Much of what I have read here has helped me to not enable my H in his battle with me about what to do - meaning I don't respond to questions that have no answer, I don't try to explain what AS was thinking, I don't rehash the past - we should have done this, blah, blah,.... And yes, I will and do try to let him handle this in his way, but he keeps imposing his way on me. Once again, back to the marriage website.... that is my sense of humor...
b.
b.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Actually I think that NA or Al-Anon would help a lot for you. If your husband doesn't want to go that is fine; it would be a great support for you and might remove some of the tension and stress in the relationship.
Anyway....the father of my AS (22) and I are divorced but have had a very close parenting relationship for many years. He and I have very different understandings of addiction, drugs and recovery. I will say the very best thing for us was the Family weekend the rehab center sponsored. It brought us to a point where we had to face the reality of addiction - and we both heard the same message at the same time. Now....we do deal with things very differently and I think this is one time when being divorced is a good thing. We don't expect to be an emotional support to each other. Easier to be on the same page with our son. Odd...but true.
I will say I was in a relationship with a man though for almost 4 years that crashed and burned in the wake of addiction issues and how we were managing them. His son is an addict as well....same age as my son. However, his son went away to rehab for a year, came back to live at home and did not work a recovery program. He partied and drank just like it never happened. Dad enabled him to such a huge extent that it made me uncomfortable. I just couldn't take it....triggered me all the time. I couldn't stand to be in the home with his son there. He of course thought I was being unreasonable and wasn't involved enough with my son....that drinking was ok. It wasn't a good situation and honestly I am not surprised the relationship died.
Best to you.....
Anyway....the father of my AS (22) and I are divorced but have had a very close parenting relationship for many years. He and I have very different understandings of addiction, drugs and recovery. I will say the very best thing for us was the Family weekend the rehab center sponsored. It brought us to a point where we had to face the reality of addiction - and we both heard the same message at the same time. Now....we do deal with things very differently and I think this is one time when being divorced is a good thing. We don't expect to be an emotional support to each other. Easier to be on the same page with our son. Odd...but true.
I will say I was in a relationship with a man though for almost 4 years that crashed and burned in the wake of addiction issues and how we were managing them. His son is an addict as well....same age as my son. However, his son went away to rehab for a year, came back to live at home and did not work a recovery program. He partied and drank just like it never happened. Dad enabled him to such a huge extent that it made me uncomfortable. I just couldn't take it....triggered me all the time. I couldn't stand to be in the home with his son there. He of course thought I was being unreasonable and wasn't involved enough with my son....that drinking was ok. It wasn't a good situation and honestly I am not surprised the relationship died.
Best to you.....
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by peaceinthepines 
Then, after awhile, it seemed to me like he wasn't as involved in the situation as he "should be".
There are no " should be's". Just you want him to be....Does that make you right and/or him wrong?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
My wife knew immediately each time our son needed to be kicked out.
She also knew that I had to be the one to do it.
As I dragged my feet each time, our relationship suffered because of it.
This is one of the main reasons I keep reading here.
She also knew that I had to be the one to do it.
As I dragged my feet each time, our relationship suffered because of it.
This is one of the main reasons I keep reading here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
I have two "spousal" relationships to navigate with my 21-year-old RAS--his bio father, my ex, and his step-father, my awesome, sainted husband and father of my two younger sons. XH is huge enabler/abuser/codependent/stress trigger for my son. My husband is solid, stable, loving, affectionate and, as a college professor, skilled at dealing with that age group in general.
Does it cause stress in my marriage? Since H and I are on the same page, it causes the kind of stress any normal parents experience with a sick/addicted child, but we're not fighting against each other in our approaches. I attend meetings, he usually does not, but does occasionally, and always if I ask him to, which I usually don't. As I've learned about addiction in the family I've shared the information and insights with him, and he always listens attentively, but I am definitely the information gatherer in this area. But it works for us.
I agree with all the posters who suggested you work your own recovery and let others deal with things in their own way and their own time. Extremely difficult, at least it was for me, to get to that point. And it's never a done deal for me. I am constantly "renewing my vows" of surrender and respecting the rights of other adults to live their own lives (not just the addict).
This was way longer than I intended it to be! Wishing you peace and blessings from one mama to another.
Does it cause stress in my marriage? Since H and I are on the same page, it causes the kind of stress any normal parents experience with a sick/addicted child, but we're not fighting against each other in our approaches. I attend meetings, he usually does not, but does occasionally, and always if I ask him to, which I usually don't. As I've learned about addiction in the family I've shared the information and insights with him, and he always listens attentively, but I am definitely the information gatherer in this area. But it works for us.
I agree with all the posters who suggested you work your own recovery and let others deal with things in their own way and their own time. Extremely difficult, at least it was for me, to get to that point. And it's never a done deal for me. I am constantly "renewing my vows" of surrender and respecting the rights of other adults to live their own lives (not just the addict).
This was way longer than I intended it to be! Wishing you peace and blessings from one mama to another.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
We've reached out and received a lot of outside support over the past six years or so, some years in which the stuff really hit the fan. It was pretty darn crazy in our home for a long time, and I am so thankful to be able to experience peace and quiet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
My husband and I experienced two periods of time when our RAS was heavy in to drug abuse--as a teenager and as an adult--with several years of no drug use in between. The first years, when our son was a teenager, my husband thought our son was doing normal, teenage experimentation but I didn't. No matter what I expressed to my husband, he didn't want to accept that our son was in over his head and I often felt crazy myself at the time. When it became apparent that our son was using again and had graduated to heroin, I found a therapist for my husband and I to talk with to help us communicate with each other. I wanted better communication between my husband and me than what we had when our son was younger. I think it helped.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
My husband and I have a 22 year old AS (about 5 years). My husband felt it was normal, teenage stuff when it became apparent he was very into marijuana. He finally agreed to search AS's room and found someone's prescription for opiates in his room and then I think he started to entertain the thought that this could be "not" normal. AS was working in a pharmacy and had volunteered to deliver all old drugs turned into the pharmacy to the local hospital once per week, so I'm sure he had access to whatever. Husband also found morter and pedestal that was being used to crush Aderoll to snort it. AS was being prescribed Adderoll by his psychiatrist at the time as AS had him convinced he needed it
After managing his money very well in middle school, AS suddenly was perpertually broke no matter how much money he made with his jobs. That was my red flag.
I have been attending Al-Anon as I was unable to find a Nar Anon meeting. The group I attend regularly is great, about 30 to 50 parents of addicts get together every Monday night. We were finally able to split into 2 group last night.
Husband asked AS to leave when he was 19, as Beavs Dad pointed out above, he needed to be the one to ask. Husband was not ready to have him leave at that time but he felt he needed to support my position. In December, however, AS asked to come back due to 2 possession and paraphanelia charges at college, agreeing to another treatment program, a sponsor and meetings (til Sept 1, is leaving then) and I'm not sure husband would have let him. I should have said no too. We both agree after Sept 1, no matter what, he's not coming back to live with us.
Husband and I did go through about 1 year or 2 where I was just "bXXching again" and husband told me he wouldn't go out, get into a discussion, etc. etc. because all I did was "bXXtch about AS" and he could not take any more.
Thankfully, husband told me he was watching Dr. Phil last week and learned that if we give any more financial support to AS after he leaves, we may as well be calling up his dealer. He is now very supportive of me and reminds me not to cook for AS if I'm not cooking for us, not to buy things for him, etc. We are now a united front and very supportive of each other, but I still need my Al-Anon meetings.
After managing his money very well in middle school, AS suddenly was perpertually broke no matter how much money he made with his jobs. That was my red flag.
I have been attending Al-Anon as I was unable to find a Nar Anon meeting. The group I attend regularly is great, about 30 to 50 parents of addicts get together every Monday night. We were finally able to split into 2 group last night.
Husband asked AS to leave when he was 19, as Beavs Dad pointed out above, he needed to be the one to ask. Husband was not ready to have him leave at that time but he felt he needed to support my position. In December, however, AS asked to come back due to 2 possession and paraphanelia charges at college, agreeing to another treatment program, a sponsor and meetings (til Sept 1, is leaving then) and I'm not sure husband would have let him. I should have said no too. We both agree after Sept 1, no matter what, he's not coming back to live with us.
Husband and I did go through about 1 year or 2 where I was just "bXXching again" and husband told me he wouldn't go out, get into a discussion, etc. etc. because all I did was "bXXtch about AS" and he could not take any more.
Thankfully, husband told me he was watching Dr. Phil last week and learned that if we give any more financial support to AS after he leaves, we may as well be calling up his dealer. He is now very supportive of me and reminds me not to cook for AS if I'm not cooking for us, not to buy things for him, etc. We are now a united front and very supportive of each other, but I still need my Al-Anon meetings.
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