Scrapbooker

Hi Lovemenot, hope your day is going well.

In the case of my AS, his father offered to be the one to ask him to leave when he was 19 (is now 22). I was playing the martyr at that point in time and my attitude was, "Poor me, I have had to deal with this alone the past 2 years, its the least you can do, yes you do it." He did so in a firm, calm manner without crying with AS or getting angry and I would have done both. I have since apologized to my husband and started talking to AS myself about my boundaries of not living with an addict in active addiction. I am doing a better job of communicating with my son directly and leaving his father to deal with his relationship with AS. I'm so thankful for this forum, Al-Anon, books like "Setting Boundaries With Your Adult Children," etc. I have some very bad co-dependent days, but hopefully am making progress.

Today, I think I would chose to give him 24 hours and ask him to leave myself. I have told him he's not coming back to live with us again after Sept 1 and to plan on that. I'm really trying hard not to say it if I can't follow through with it, but at the same time I hope he doesn't ask to come back.

GardenMama

I don't think the father or stepfather has to do that job. I was the one who told my 18 yo AD she could not stay at our house after a short stint at treatment. It was one of the most painful things I have ever done, but it had to be that way for my own sanity and for the whole family. Her own father has now undermined things I have set boundaries over, but he doesn't live here and has a shaky relationship with her, so whatever. I am just glad I did what I did for my own growth, even though none of us ever really wanted this kind of pain in our lives. I think she is better off not being here.

Bookreader, Al-Anon and the folks here on SR are so important to your own healing. Do what you need to do & detach with love from your H as well!

kmangel

In my experience, if I waited on my husband to tell our RAS to move out of the house, he'd probably still be here--as well as all the other things that needed to happen like get the car keys off our son of our car.

BeavsDad

In our case it wasn't a male/female thing.

I was a worse enabler and my wife knew that if I couldn't step up and do it, there could be resentment and blame issues later on.

I could have derailed it with the old "well I didn't want you to kick him out anyways" thing.

I don't know where she gets her strength, but I am very thankful for it.