heartbroken08

I have been with my husband for almost 6 years and have been married less than 2 months. I was first told about his addiction about a year ago at the end of a huge fight that lead to a breakdown by him and a confession...The addiction had not progressed too far at this point and he was able to stop on his own...shortly after he injured his back and was issued a prescription of painkillers his drug of choice and he slowly slipped back into the addiction...I have watched him grow further and further away from me and watched our relationship become strained...I had come to hate the man that I fell in love with because of what the addiction had done to him...I recently confronted him and asked that he get help and at first he didnt want it but after many dicussions and fights he finally decided he was ready...He went to a rehab facility and was there for roughly 17 days of his 30 day program when he was asked to leave because he got into a verbal altercation with another rehab patient. I received a shocking phone call that he was coming home. He has now been home for 3 days and I am going crazy.

I was not prepared for him to come home because he was supposed to be in rehab for another almost 2 weeks. I cringe and break down everytime he leaves the house because I am afraid he will relapse. I know I can't control it but I'm just so scared because I love him and don't want him to fall back into this lifestyle because its broken him our relationship and the relationships with alot of his family and friends... It also helps a little to know he did not willingly leave rehab, and he has attended a NA meeting everyday but one since he has been out.

What do I do to help him and how do I keep myself sane at the same time? I have already decided that I will do everything I can to help him recover but if he relapses I can't stand around and live this life because I deserve better. Obviously this is not the way I want things to happen but I have to be realistic and fair to myself as someone who has been greatly effected and damaged by his addiction.

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.

Addiction is a permanent condition, and your husband is an addict for life. It is a powerful obsession of the brain which creates an UNCONTROLLABLE compulsion to get high. It functions beneath the control of the conscious mind, meaning that it comes from the primitive part of the brain which does not respond to logic or to ethical values.

What this means for you is that you will not be able, in any way nor by any means, to affect the outcome of his condition of addiction. You will not be able to keep him clean nor to influence him to stay clean, no matter what words you say nor what actions you take. This is his life-destroying problem, and he is the only person who can do what it takes to deal with it. He will not want to. Getting high is not only a comfort to him, it is a driven compulsion. Addicts keep using as long as they can and by whatever secretive means necessary, until addiction turns on them and they become desperate to get clean. And even when they do want to get clean, many go through several relapses until they find sobriety, and many do not ever find sobriety.

What this means for you is that you are at risk of becoming sucked into either the chaos of his drugging--if he returns to using, which he is likely to, statistically--or into his erratic moods and behaviors which result from withdrawal and early recovery. Already you are inside the vortex, as you watch his every glance, his tone of voice, his patterns, his moods, his activities.

You will want to intervene, either actively or passively. Actively, you may want to steer him toward what you think are "good' activities or steer him away from "bad" activities. You may try to control the household, keeping people away so he doesn't become "stressed' or "irritated" by them. You may ask for less of his time or attention, you may not ask him to do his share of the work in some way, you may be unwilling to ask of him anything which might, in your eyes, be a "burden" on him. You may try to be always a good wife, pleasing him in hopes he will not be discontent or abusive, will not go get high because you had a fight with him.

You will be his hostage.

So you need to get out of the house, go to any Al-Anon or Nar-anon meetings, and, most importantly I believe, if you can afford it, get a counselor immediately. It is the isolation with the addict that makes the spouse crack under pressure. A weekly session with a counselor can help keep you from a nervous collapse.

Your life is valuable, you are valuable, you were not created to live a life of fear that you will be destroyed by your husband emotionally, betrayed by lies, and disregarded as a human being who deserves respect and loving attention.

I hope he continues to attend meetings DAILY, work with a sponsor with all his heart, consult with an addictions counselor.

However, with addicts, there is always the ongoing risk of our being deceived. What he tells you today--including how long he actually used drugs in his history, what kind of drugs, why he really got himself kicked out of rehab, and why he gobbled up prescription painkillers knowing he was an addict.....I would not believe anything that comes out of his mouth now nor anytime for many months. He may be attending NA or he may not be. He may be clean or he might have a stash in the garage. He may not be spending the family budget on drugs....or he might be.

You are just two months' married. You have grounds for a quick annulment, I think, should he go back to drugs in the coming weeks. We here recommend birth control in situations like yours.

We have good information on the links labeled "Sticky."

Get some help, you need it and deserve it. There is hope, but only if we get help.

outtolunch

Rehabs don't kick people out unless there is substantial reason to do so.

His behaviors got him kicked out. This is common stuff for people who were manipulated into rehab and want to create the illusion of "it's not my fault".

Treatment/rehab does not cure addiction. Best case, it can teach a highly motivated addict some of the tools of recovery. It's up to the addict to apply and use those tools. Sounds like your husband is not ready to change.

Nothing you say or do, or not, is going to get and keep him clean. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Coming and staying home were/are options, not certainties. A sober living enviornment is a far better place for him, assuming he is serious about staying clean.

heartbroken08

I know his actions against this other rehab patient was what got him kicked out of rehab. The facility he was in has a zero tolerance for violence of any kind and he threatened him which is what got him kicked out...I know this is going to be a long road... I hope that you are incorrect in your comment of "it sounds like your husband is not ready to change" because he is trying it seems like.

Does anyone have any positive stories of recovery where their AH or AW was successful and stayed sober? I need a little positivity right now because I'm really sad and worried and just want things to work out. I know there is a huge likelihood that he will relapse because he will be an addict for the rest of his life...

Also is mood swings normal for early recovery? I can't help but to check on him periodically and anytime I try to talk to him about the way I feel he blows up and gets mad... The anger hurts alot more now because of everything I have been through thus far.

outtolunch

Addiction rewires the brain. Mood swings are very common and a huge part of the recovery process and it protracts. The addiction beast resides within and is always playing mind games with the addict. Anything and everything sets them off and the beast is always there whispering-roaring ...just this once and/or you can control it this time...

My daughter is the addict in my life. I manipulated her into 3 back to back rehabs. She relapsed within hours of returning home.

She eventually left the nest and continued to spiral out of control.

She eventually got clean and sober and has managed to stay that way. She did it in her own time frame, not mine.

Along the way, I learned that I could not live with anyone in active addiction or new to recovery. I know it's not personal and yet... having a front row center seat to it brings out the worrying smother- mother within me. I rationalized my own behaviors and called it support.

It took me a long time to accept that nothing I said or did could get or keep her clean. That I was not that powerful. Recovery is an inside job. It's more than a full time job to stay in my own hula-hoop.

heartbroken08

I don't actively hate him now...I hate who the addiction turned him into... and as far as the decision to get married...we have been together for almost 6 years and probably stupidly of me... I will know soon enough... I believe that my love for him is strong enough for me to stick this out and help him to get better... However, I have made the decision already that should he relapse, I have done everything I need to, to help him get better and will be left with no regrets...because if he uses again I will be leaving the marriage and the lifestyle he's choosing...because I know I deserve better than that lifestyle

I'm working on building boundaries for myself but as of right now I don't know what to do but I know I love him and I'm will to try and work on things as long as he makes the choice to stay sober.

outtolunch

Alrighty Then....That one simple boundary is enough. You don't need to do anything. No need to walk on egg shells, snoop or worry. If he relapses, you will know soon enough and if this happens, it's up to you to enforce your boundary and leave to protect yourself.

Learn2Live

I have no positive stories of people I have been involved with getting clean and/or sober. I have only horror stories about those people.

The only positive story I have is that I went to Al-Anon and learned a lot about addiction and alcoholism, and I am much stronger now than when I first became involved in a relationship with an addict/alcoholic.