No longer scared to say goodbye

Old 08-11-2012, 04:39 PM
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No longer scared to say goodbye

First id like to start by saying i love My fiance unconditionally. Ive known him For over 6 years and weve been together For almost 2. He relapsed after being clean For almost 2 years and the difference between the man i fell in love with and the man he is today is scary. Lies, stealing, mood swings, lack of motivation and emotion. I came on here not to seek guidance but to stare literally at the writings of other woman in the same situation as i am. By doing this i realized that unlike these women i am not in denial. I do know that there is a problem and i do know that even though it is not My fault the man i love is an addict the fact i stay with him just enables his actions. Before i thought i stayed to help him find his way down the right path. Now i realize that it was My own selfish reasons that i stayed. I was scared to leave. I left him today. And though it hurts i know it wont be forever. Its up to him to make things right. I left everything up to him. I will keep in contact For now to see if he will go to rehab, through phone only, and will support his recovery 100%. But until then hes on his own. To the women and men who have addicted love ones, i know its hard and i Hope My post can help you say goodbye if needed. It doesnt mean forever but sometimes it might. Just be strong. Love the addict but dont condone the addiction.
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Old 08-11-2012, 05:03 PM
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Good for you!

Your story is kind of similar to mine. I was with a guy I'd known for a long time as friends. Our relationship eventually developed into a romantic one. He was clean and doing really well for a long time then he picked up and everything changes.

Lie, missing money, lost jobs, eviction, mood swings, harsh words...etc and eventually jail. And I gave him a 2nd chance. And now he's in jail again as of two days ago after walking out of Detox.

It's hard and it hurts but we are so much better off without them. We would have our hearts torn to shreds for years while they went off and used.

We are the lucky ones. We can move on and move past this. The addicts we left behind are the ones who lost everything. By leaving we've prevented that and they NEED to hit rock bottom to truly get better.

All staying with him would bring you is heart ache. He isn't going to change until he hits rock bottom and when he does his recovery is going to be a long hard selfish road. He can't give you what you want, need or deserve.

The man you fell in love with isn't the man he is now. Drugs robbed both of you of that.

You did the right thing and you should be so proud of yourself! Please feel free to message me anything because I really do understand what you're going through!
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Old 08-11-2012, 05:25 PM
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Your story is similiar to mine also. I love my boyfriend dearly, and we were living together. I asked my boyfriend to move out and broke off our relationship with the understanding it was only temporary until he got help for himself. But then two days later he overdosed. He almost died. Would have if he had not been staying with a friend who called 911. I dont blame myself for the overdose, but I also dont think it would have happened if I hadnt asked him to leave.
He is now on his 3rd day of a 45 day rehab stay. 1st time. Im hopeful; because I know he has it in him to beat this. Im sure your fiance does too.
Thanks for sharing and I hope he gets help really soon.
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:02 PM
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Fenway and Bluejay, thank you both For your replies to My post. Its only been one day and its hard. Hearing that both of you are or were in similiar situations gives me Hope and also makes me feel better about the choice i made. I am proud of myself For putting My foot down and saying im no longer going to take it anymore and you both should be too. Once again thank you.
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by xIfearnofatex View Post
Fenway and Bluejay, thank you both For your replies to My post. Its only been one day and its hard. Hearing that both of you are or were in similiar situations gives me Hope and also makes me feel better about the choice i made. I am proud of myself For putting My foot down and saying im no longer going to take it anymore and you both should be too. Once again thank you.

Take one day at a time. It is also your process. I am hurting too but each second feels better. I have ups and downs, but I am hanging in there.


Someone posted this and I loved it.

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
But to grow and live in the future.




My best to you
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Old 08-11-2012, 06:18 PM
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Mv, thank you. That is a truly amazing poem/qoute. I love it as well. Thank you For posting and inspiring. My best to you as well.
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Old 08-11-2012, 07:21 PM
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Originally Posted by bluejaybird View Post
Your story is similiar to mine also. I love my boyfriend dearly, and we were living together. I asked my boyfriend to move out and broke off our relationship with the understanding it was only temporary until he got help for himself. But then two days later he overdosed. He almost died. Would have if he had not been staying with a friend who called 911. I dont blame myself for the overdose, but I also dont think it would have happened if I hadnt asked him to leave.
He is now on his 3rd day of a 45 day rehab stay. 1st time. Im hopeful; because I know he has it in him to beat this. Im sure your fiance does too.
Thanks for sharing and I hope he gets help really soon.
What happened bluejay? I thought he was clean and doing good with his therapy appointments? ....and you were going on vacation???
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Old 08-11-2012, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
What happened bluejay? I thought he was clean and doing good with his therapy appointments? ....and you were going on vacation???
Thank you TJP. I just thought I had Joeysgirl and Bluejaybird confused. Now I don't have to go read back.
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Old 08-12-2012, 08:10 AM
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many gifts that are "perfect" on idealistic or spiritual terms really are perfect...
but we as human beings are so perfectly imperfect, and sometimes we need to remember that.
when we, with our beautifully imperfect human spirit, get a hold of love, faith and hope...sometimes we muck it up. sometimes love becomes abusive/addictive/manipulative etc. sometimes faith becomes downright scary! (think of burning crosses...) and, well, hope is just as vulnerable...

I used to pride myself in my ability to hold love, faith and hope as part of my reason to stay with my exABF. sure, there are parts of that sensibility and behavior that have an origin of heart and honor...but even the best parts of us succumb to addiction and codependency...and then those beautiful parts of us get all twisted and tangled too.

it takes a lot of strength, honesty, self awareness and the help of other peoples perspective to get real about what your own hope is really all about. I was told, several months before I was ready to hear it, that hope can become addictive...and then I discovered that that awful aspect of possible truth was true.
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Old 08-12-2012, 01:52 PM
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My story is the same too. I really love my ex boyfriend. It is hard as hell not to be with him. Yesterday I finally told him I couldn't do it anymore. We've been broken up for 2 months now, but I was still there for him. He was using me. He is in rehab right now. I was sending him things that I thought he would need or want. Movies, snacks, ect... He kept telling me exactly what it would take to make me stick around and have hope that once he got his recovery to a great start, that we would have a shot. He only has 9 days left of his 30 day rehab stay. I want to be there for him but I can't continue to hurt myself in the process. He knows he holds all the cards in our relationship. I need to take those cards back.
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:56 AM
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Thank you everyone for your posts and kind words. He made the right decision and called up rehabs and will be going in a wk-2 wks. After that hell be in a iop pragram. Hes not off the hook with me yet though. We are still not together. I told him thats a talk for after hes clean and completed the month rehab. Im still supporting his recovery and hope the best for him.
Like inlovewithhim said...i took the cards back.
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Old 08-15-2012, 03:16 PM
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Good for you! My ex and I aren't talking at all right now. He gets out in a week. He said he doesn't want a relationship when he gets out. He just wants to go to his meetings, church, and work. I know this won't be the end of us. He's always had the cards. Now I have them. And in the future when he does come calling, and he will, I will make him prove himself this time. Don't rush into anything. As I will try to take my own advice.
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