Need Insight
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
Need Insight
Ok I'm new to this site, just found it this evening in my search for some books and other literature to read.
Let me give u some background info. Met my fiance about 4 years ago, started as friends and after about 4-5 months began dating. He was honest with me from the start about his past. Had been thru rehab for some heavy drug use as a teenager, had been 5+ years by the time we met. Had been in trouble with the law, nothing major but enough to get a little time in county joil. Dated for a little while and learned that although he wasnt into the heavy drugs anymore he still smoked pot pretty regularly. I told him that was cool if he wanted to do that but it wasnt something i wanted in my life and maybe we should stick to being friends. After a while he eased up on the pot and we tried the dating thing again. Found out he was still smoking and just lying about it a couple of times, left, did the same routine again. Ok so fast forward like 2 years. Found out he was smoking again and that he went on a crack binge with a buddy one night. I totally freaked out, reamed him up one side and down the other, left and insisted that I wanted nothing to do with him. Turns out that even tho he is a real moron sometimes he is still my best friend and I miss having him to talk to every day. He suggests counseling, follows thru with it. Counselor refers him to some quack doctor after they are finsihed who puts him on suboxone. Well I didn't know squat about it at the time but that lasted a little while before he said he felt like crap on it and was quitting. Now fast forward to now. One month away from our wedding and moving 4 hours away and he breaks down sobbing n tells me that he has actually been trading his suboxone for the past year for percs and wants to get clean! Has gotten wayout of hand in the past month since leaving his job. I'm irate but thankful that he came to me instead of me finding out. My plan was to cold turkey it, i was gonna be there to take care of him during the withdrawl sickness etc. So a week into this he is mopey, layin on the couch all day and night, saying he feels like crap and wants to go to the methodone clinic. I'm no expert nor have I been thru this but isnt that just replacing one drug with another? But i'm willing to go with him to meet with them so we can all be on the same page. So now comes my question. How the heck do I support him in getting and staying clean?! I know its gotta be his decision, I think he's serious about it, but I have no idea how to facilitate him staying on track. I know in the past he hasn't been into the idea of NA b/c of the inclusion of God in the 12 steps although I've heard plenty of ppl who spin it differently. Ive been been to alanon or anything but I'm willing to do whatever as long as he is pushing forward 100%. We've discussed things I can be on the look out for in the future, have reinstated wat I'd basically describe as a no privacy policy, and I now control all of our finances and he has basically an allowance (that sounds awful). I know that once an addict always an addict and this isn't something that will poof disappear. Maybe its not a good thing but he has never once been a mean or hostile person to me, has not blamed me for his screw ups - if he had I would never be sitting here typing this. Clearly lying has been an issue, he was trading pills for a year and that is something we will seriously need to address and work on. But ok....let me have it!
Let me give u some background info. Met my fiance about 4 years ago, started as friends and after about 4-5 months began dating. He was honest with me from the start about his past. Had been thru rehab for some heavy drug use as a teenager, had been 5+ years by the time we met. Had been in trouble with the law, nothing major but enough to get a little time in county joil. Dated for a little while and learned that although he wasnt into the heavy drugs anymore he still smoked pot pretty regularly. I told him that was cool if he wanted to do that but it wasnt something i wanted in my life and maybe we should stick to being friends. After a while he eased up on the pot and we tried the dating thing again. Found out he was still smoking and just lying about it a couple of times, left, did the same routine again. Ok so fast forward like 2 years. Found out he was smoking again and that he went on a crack binge with a buddy one night. I totally freaked out, reamed him up one side and down the other, left and insisted that I wanted nothing to do with him. Turns out that even tho he is a real moron sometimes he is still my best friend and I miss having him to talk to every day. He suggests counseling, follows thru with it. Counselor refers him to some quack doctor after they are finsihed who puts him on suboxone. Well I didn't know squat about it at the time but that lasted a little while before he said he felt like crap on it and was quitting. Now fast forward to now. One month away from our wedding and moving 4 hours away and he breaks down sobbing n tells me that he has actually been trading his suboxone for the past year for percs and wants to get clean! Has gotten wayout of hand in the past month since leaving his job. I'm irate but thankful that he came to me instead of me finding out. My plan was to cold turkey it, i was gonna be there to take care of him during the withdrawl sickness etc. So a week into this he is mopey, layin on the couch all day and night, saying he feels like crap and wants to go to the methodone clinic. I'm no expert nor have I been thru this but isnt that just replacing one drug with another? But i'm willing to go with him to meet with them so we can all be on the same page. So now comes my question. How the heck do I support him in getting and staying clean?! I know its gotta be his decision, I think he's serious about it, but I have no idea how to facilitate him staying on track. I know in the past he hasn't been into the idea of NA b/c of the inclusion of God in the 12 steps although I've heard plenty of ppl who spin it differently. Ive been been to alanon or anything but I'm willing to do whatever as long as he is pushing forward 100%. We've discussed things I can be on the look out for in the future, have reinstated wat I'd basically describe as a no privacy policy, and I now control all of our finances and he has basically an allowance (that sounds awful). I know that once an addict always an addict and this isn't something that will poof disappear. Maybe its not a good thing but he has never once been a mean or hostile person to me, has not blamed me for his screw ups - if he had I would never be sitting here typing this. Clearly lying has been an issue, he was trading pills for a year and that is something we will seriously need to address and work on. But ok....let me have it!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Well, IMO this guy is not good marriage material and you knew that instinctively going in to this relationship and told him so, but then went totally against your own values and requirements by continuing to see him. Now you're engaged and you see why your instincts were telling you this was a bad move way back when and you're really mired in it deep. He has created your reality, which is babysitting and trying to help and support a fully grown man. Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life? Cause they don't get better, they get WORSE. And you've seen that with your own two eyes. You can still extract yourself from the situation before you get dragged into the black hole of addiction. Run while your legs will still carry you and while you still have your youth and your sanity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>>>> But ok....let me have it!<<<<<<<
Nobody on SR is gonna 'let you have it'......these kind souls
share with one another because in one way or another...we
have all been there.
It's a big Internet.If you need someone to berate you and tell
you are 'stupid and worth nothing'.......just google it and you will
be on your way to an information superhighway flogging of the
first order.
SR is more like the strange assembly of people and exorbitantly
expensive equipment that assembles with all due haste when you have
a high speed head on collision in a first world society.You don't know what
the hell happened,but suddenly you are in a helicopter and there are strange
machines hooked up to you and quiet but friendly professional people (who seem
to know what the hell they are doing)....tending to you.
You are scared sh**less,and are very well aware you may not survive this.
But your deepest fear----that no one cares (or ever did) is belied by the intense
choreography that surrounds you.
But pity we had to have a head on collision to find this out!None of this
addiction crap is easy.....but the collective wisdom I have found here makes
it a hell of a lot easier!
Nobody on SR is gonna 'let you have it'......these kind souls
share with one another because in one way or another...we
have all been there.
It's a big Internet.If you need someone to berate you and tell
you are 'stupid and worth nothing'.......just google it and you will
be on your way to an information superhighway flogging of the
first order.
SR is more like the strange assembly of people and exorbitantly
expensive equipment that assembles with all due haste when you have
a high speed head on collision in a first world society.You don't know what
the hell happened,but suddenly you are in a helicopter and there are strange
machines hooked up to you and quiet but friendly professional people (who seem
to know what the hell they are doing)....tending to you.
You are scared sh**less,and are very well aware you may not survive this.
But your deepest fear----that no one cares (or ever did) is belied by the intense
choreography that surrounds you.
But pity we had to have a head on collision to find this out!None of this
addiction crap is easy.....but the collective wisdom I have found here makes
it a hell of a lot easier!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2
My "let me have it" remark was in anticipation of the run while U can comments. Notice that I asked for ways to HELP him. He is truly a good man that unfortunately for us both started down a bad path long before we met and has been coming back from it ever since. And I willl add this tid bit to what I posted earlier. He has back issues from a job that he did a couple of years ago, the doctor that put him on the suboxone did so to avoid narcotic pain meds. When they stopped helping but rather made him feel like crap he opted for the narcotic pain meds and was quickly hooked again. we now have an appointment with a neurologist to hopefully sort out the pain issue part WITHOUT the pills.
addicted to love<3
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 31
Extra...if my information is correct... suboxon isn't for pain... its to block the effects of an opiate drug...
I feel you, my bf is an addict. And i may be the odd ball but I'm not going to tell you to leave him. Others may view m e as naive, or even silly...but what it comes down to is im not ready to give up. I believe in him despite the horrible things he has done as a direct result of his addiction. It may get ugly but i (we) need to be prepared for that if we so choose to stay.
Hugs
I feel you, my bf is an addict. And i may be the odd ball but I'm not going to tell you to leave him. Others may view m e as naive, or even silly...but what it comes down to is im not ready to give up. I believe in him despite the horrible things he has done as a direct result of his addiction. It may get ugly but i (we) need to be prepared for that if we so choose to stay.
Hugs
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