gdefino

My brother has been a heroin addict for about 4 years now. He suffered a sports-related injury when he was 15, and was prescribed opiate painkillers and other medications. Three years after the accident, he started experimenting with drugs until he found what would eventually be his drug of choice, heroin. For years now, we have struggled with the pain and worry he brings my family, and have tried various treatment options but to no avail. He has relapsed after every attempt at sobriety. He is extremely smart and manipulative (he has an IQ of over 140), and he was going to go pre-med until his addiction took over his life. I have spent the past four years coming to terms with the fact that he could die at any moment. Not only is a heroin addict, but he is also suicidal and depressed. He has attempted suicide several times, and his most recent attempt was thwarted today.

I am writing here today because I am completely lost. He went missing last night at around 10 pm (he was supposedly going on a date), and didn't come home. My parents were up all night, checking credit card statements online and filing reports with the police. He was caught by the police while trying to buy a gun at a local shop, and was then taken to a nearby hospital. Neither the police nor the people at the hospital did anything, and they pretty much told us that he's going to do what he's going to do and we have to give up control. Because he's 22 years old, he was not forced to submit to the will of my parents, and took off with another addict friend as soon as he was released. He claims that he will be home by 11 tonight (my family is supposed to go on vacation tomorrow), but I know that neither of these are going to happen. I am pretty much just sitting here, waiting for my brother to die. I don't know what to do, I am completely lost.

My family life has always been so stable. We live in an upper middle-class town in Connecticut, and we have never wanted for anything. My parents have given me and the rest of my siblings the world, and I just don't get how my brother could hurt them so badly. My father lost his brother at around the same age to suicide, and I don't know if he could take losing my brother the same way. We have tried our best to help him, but we now find ourselves at standstill. There is nothing to do except wait for him to die.

If anyone has any advice for what my family and I should do in this situation, I would really appreciate it.

allthatsgood

I am so sorry for all you are going through right now. I new to sr but know others with more experience will be along soon to offer advice an guidance. My prayers are with you and your family.

BooBo0

I'm new too...but I'm sending love nd hugs to you

Like your brother, my bf was in abad accident and unfortunately became addicted to the pain killers and ultimately it progressed. He too suffers from depression. On top of that he has ptsd from his childhood and diagnosed bipolar.

I am new...and don't have any magical wisdom to give you... i wish i did...but i will tell you that you're not alone.

I feel your pain and i hear your cry.

Take a deep breath and try not to worry what you can't control. I know easier said than done.

I'm here for you.

Learn2Live

Gdefino, do you have a Higher Power? I do. My Higher Power is God. And during times like what you describe, I gain strength from prayer. From the time I have spent learning in Al-Anon, I have come to accept that what I believe is best for other people is not necessarily the best thing for them. I have come to accept that those I love and care about, even those who choose to live what I think are sad lives involving drugs and alcohol, have their own Higher Power and their life is between them and their Higher Power. God allows things that do not make sense to us to happen in people's lives because we each have our own journey. Just as your brother does, and just as my addict brother does.

I also believe that active addiction is a lie that the person tells themself, and a lie that they live. And I believe that this removes them from their Higher Power. But that when they are ready, they will find their Higher Power again. So my belief, what helps me, is to pray to my HP that my loved one will soon find Him, and I ask God to watch out for my loved one.

I know that when I share my spiritual beliefs it might make some people uncomfortable. I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable. I hope instead that something I've said helps you in some small way. (((hugs))) I will say a prayer for your brother. Please take the best care of yourself as you possibly can.

Redapples

I wish I could say something to make the pain go away. My son is 25 and has never tried alcohol, drugs. I as a parent cannot imagine losing my son to drugs. My boyfriend has alcohol and cocaine addictions. I was not able to turn my back on him either. He is drug and alcohol free for three weeks.

Is it possible to go on vacation? To live your life. Change the locks on your doors. Stop providing any type of support financially. If he needs to eat buy the food. Anything else you provide will be sold for drugs.

Until your brother comes to grip with his addiction he has made his choice. Love him, encourage him to get help but you and your family cannot stop living because of his decision. I know how it feels to want to be angry at him and I mean be really angry at him for stressing you and your parents out. How dare he be so selfish and not think of no one else but himself. It's the drug making the decisions for him.

I am sure you and your family feel powerless because you want him to get clean and he isn't ready yet. Do not make him the focus of your life you have to keep going on. Call a support group in your area these people are a life line for you and your family. These people have been there and got a t-shirt to prove it.

Keep in touch I want to know how you are doing ok?

empty1

im learnin to let go two my AH goes MIA then gets mad because i dont answer when he calls at 3am knowing i have to work in the morning and am doing this by myself i am going thru some hard times adjusting to this change but i am adjusting we cant change them and the only person who gets hurt at least in my case is me he is mad at me for having a job and making more than him or its my fault he got fired this is where we are now but we used to be a two income working class couple it is hard i agree not only did i lose my heart i lost my luv and my best freind my brother is also an addict he is who gave the drug to my husband and now condems how he acts with his addiction because he would never stoop as low as my AH does to get hi wow i have had to learn to let him go also and we have always been close i am learning to tell what i can and cant change apart i connsider my huisband dead because the person he was is no more it helps me remember the good times

crazybabie

I am sorry your hurting I can relate too how you feel I have a brother who I worried about for years I have a son who is 24 and addicted so young like your brother. I felt lost like you do I started posting here and finally gathered the courage to attend meetings for ME.

I am amazed at what a difference that has made has everything changed no but I now can usually see things more rational and not get so wrapped up in the chaos.
I also know the feeling of having someone I love attempt suicide it is scary not being able to do anything too help them I got to the point of too save me I had too help me the others in my life I can only love.

gdefino

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice. We're still waiting for him to come home, he called and told me he was on his way, but I don't particularly believe him. Either way, he was definitely high when he called. He was slurring his speech like he normally does when the drowsy phase of heroin use kicks in. I'm so scared for what will happen if and when he comes home. My second oldest brother (26) feels unsafe and does not want to sleep in the house. He suffers from his own anxiety and depression issues, and is hardly capable of dealing with this. I mostly am just worried for my family. In a way, I've accepted the inevitable that he is going to die, if not tonight than soon. Any kind or comforting words are still welcome. Reading your responses has really helped me to put things in perspective. Thank you, and keep 'em coming. Every bit helps.

crazybabie

Have you considered trying meetings ? I know they are not for everyone but often when one attends and their progress is showing or sometimes just because they go other family members will go.

I know you feel it is certain your brother is gonna die soon I felt that way once about my 27 year old son you would be surprised at the things he has survived I finally realized that I do not know when anyone will die.

Maybe your starting to mourn your brother I have known people to do that I mourned my son because no mom ever thinks her child will end up this way all my hopes and dreams from when he was born he choose another path.

gdefino

He just returned home, but I don't know for how long. My gut tells me he is going to disappear again, probably in the middle of the night. We took his car keys and wallet out of his car, but it's more than probable that he would call one of his addict friends to pick him up, if he hasn't already planned a time for them to come. I'm so scared to go to sleep because I know what I will wake up to... I'm so tired, I've been up since 5 am. I don't know what to do.

BooBo0

Gdefino... I've been asleep for a while but popped in... I'm glad to hear he's home. Its now 230... i hope he's still home and your asleep.

Just for curiosity sake...

Sugar, if he does leave again...what good will it do if your awake. What will you do? Beg him not to go? chances are i don't think that will stop him...please, if your up...close your eyes and get some sleep.

Don't agonized your mind and heart with what you *think* may happen...just breathe.

And believe me when i say... i know exactly how you feel.

Again I'll say... you're not alone.

I'm sorry if this was a little fuzzy... I'm probably still asleep i just had to check for an update...

gdefino

So I woke up this morning and he didn't disappear. We're now on our way to vacation, but my parents are acting like nothing is wrong. They say that they just have to act normal until he's been clean for a few days and back in a reasonable state until we can really address things. But I can't seem to pretend like everything is fine. I can't forget what he just put our family through. I am also very suspicious that he is being so compliant, and feel as though he is either going to take off down there or find heroin somehow. He will be going to AA/NA meetings while we're there, and I'm afraid he'll ask others where he can find some heroin. His sponsor, coincidentally, will be on vacation with his own family one town over and they'll be attending meetings together, but I'm still too scared. I don't know if I'm just still in shock over these past two days, but I just can't shake this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and dread. My sister, her husband, and their 11 month old baby will be on vacation with us as well, and I just feel like this is a recipe for disaster. Help?

BooBo0

I would just take it as it comes. Rejoice in the fact that he IS being compliant. That's great that he will be attending meetings while there. Try to have a nice time. Don't worry things you want control. Let go and let God.... whatever your God may be

outtolunch

He should be sicker than a dog quite soon, unless he has his own stash.

Sounds like the family has given him a place to live, food to eat, a car to drive, a cell phone and a family vacation to boot. He has no reason to consider change because it does not sound like he has experienced any consequences, yet.

Sounds like the family has enabled him, all along.

The primary purpose of an intervention is to intervene on enabling family members who out of ignorance contribute to addiction. It might make sence for your parents to hire a qualified interventionist to counsel them and learn how to cease walking on eggshells with the elephant in the room and all that.

If your parents are reluctant to learn about their role in all this, perhaps Alanon could help you. You have no more control over your parents than your do your brother.

treadingwater

Yes I was thinking the exact same thing!!! This kid will be dope sick soon if he doesn't have his own stash!
I am very sorry you and your family are going through this.
My husband and I have a 23 year old son, our youngest of three sons, and we are dealing with the same thing and have been for the last 5 years! Our son is a hardcore addict and it is SO heart breaking and draining....that is when we allow it to drain us.
I remember when I first posted here one of the Mom's told me that I need to "let go or be dragged." Well that so stuck in my mind! And I can tell you there have been many days and nights where I've been dragged!!!
My skin has gotten a bit thicker over time but it is still very hard. Like you, I do not want my son to die. It is so hard to let go and say okay that will be their choice.
I finally realize that there is nothing my husband or I can do to make our son choose to be clean. I have to continually turn him over to GOD!
It is very hard as a parent not to enable, your parents need to seek out some help in order to help them deal with your brother's reality.
I know for my husband and I we truly did not understand what we were dealing with in terms of addiction. How I wish that we could turn back the hand of time. With our denial we only helped our son decline into deeper addiction, he lead us around by our noses with all his deception and promises.
Do what you can to encourage your parents to seek out support or even come here to this Sober Recovery Forum!!

gdefino

Hey everyone, I am at another crossroads. While my brother was out with my dad today, I went through his phone (he left it home to charge). I found some disturbing things, including a conversation with one of the drug friends he was with the other day. He and my brother were texting back and forth, saying they they're going to get "f***ed up" and "go hard" when he gets back from vacation, and so on and so forth. This guy is obviously a new dealer that just entered his life, as a few of his texts were alluding to "new products" he had. In the conversation, he also complained and said mean things about my parents. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I confronted him when he got home, and he just kept on lying, saying that he was going to get the Vivitrol shot when he gets back and he doesn't plan on using. I kept reiterating that he cannot lie to me, I can see right through him, etc. He was just mad at me for looking through his phone (mad he got caught). Now, I don't know what to do. Nor do my parents. We're once again lost. How can we help prevent him from disappearing or using when we get back, or even worse, while we're here. Thank you for your kind words and advice so far. I'd appreciate any more advice you may have.

crazybabie

I know it is hard for you to accept this but the truth is YOU CAN'T he is gonna do whatever he wants no matter what. Your putting ALL your focus on HIM how about you when are you gonna start being good to you? when are you gonna start helping YOU?

I understand you may not realize what I am saying right now your young and wrapped in the chaos and trying to save someone that can only save their self.

gdefino, if we could save them NONE of us would be here.

EnglishGarden

You haven't mentioned that your family has received any kind of treatment for the impact of your brother's addiction. Has no one consulted an addictions counselor, has no one attended a 12-step meeting? The tone of your post makes it sound as if you are all very isolated with this severe family crisis.

Addiction is a biological disease with a genetic component. Those who have the gene for addiction and who abuse drugs become addicted. When that happens, a switch is thrown in the brain and it stays that way, permanently. Addiction is permanent.

Opiate addicts like your brother suffer a form of brain re-wiring. They so abuse pleasure-producing drugs that their brains effectively become disabled and can no longer produce any form of pleasurable chemicals because the brain has become dependent on the overload of drugs the addict takes.

To handle the overload of drugs, the brain has to actually change its wiring. It grows extra receptors to handle all the drugs pouring in. These extra receptors are permanent. For life.

When the addict stops using for a time, the receptors in his brain start screaming to be fed. But the addict's brain can no longer produce the natural pleasure chemicals anymore that those receptors are waiting for. It shut that production down when the addict started overloading on drugs.

So the addict suffers from massive depression as withdrawal begins, crippling massive depression, as his brain has no capacity to make its own chemicals necessary for even the mildest form of pleasure. As this massive depression sends the addict plummeting into an emotional hell, overwhelming anxiety builds up in him so that he is unable to sleep, restless beyond comprehension, about to crawl out of his skin.

The opiate addict also suffers the tremendous pain of physical withdrawal--horrible stomach and lower back and leg pain, gastrointestinal distress (because opiates cause constipation, when they are withdrawn, major diarrhea sets in), and, well, the addict is so horrifically sick he feels he has only two choices: to die from this misery, or to get some drugs and feel better in about 15 seconds.

Your brother knows he's hooked. He knows he cannot function without heroin now. As a heroin addict, he needs an ongoing daily supply, he has to use every 5-6 hours to avoid the nightmare of spontaneous withdrawal. To stand before him and ask him nicely to please stop being a drug addict is just FUTILE. He can't stop. He can't stop for a vacation and he can't stop because his family is upset about his life. He cannot function without drugs now, and he is desperate to continue using. He is also deeply emotionally bonded to the drug.

By allowing him to live at home, comfortably, your parents are interfering with the very thing necessary to get him clean: absolute misery and degradation due to the drug life.

There are some books your family might find useful:
"Beautiful Boy" written by David Scheff, the father of a drug addict.
"Tweaked" and "All Fall Down", written by Nic Scheff, the drug addict son.

But primarily, your family needs help from addiction specialists and support from 12-Step groups members who can give your family the strength to say to your addict brother the very word addicts hate most: NO.

There is hope for your brother. But it is a fact that for most addicts, recovery first starts with a change in the family. Change is hard for the family, who often have a hard-wired pattern of enabling behaviors of which they are totally unaware. But change is absolutely vital, for without change, there is little hope.

Please encourage your parents to seek professional help for your family. And please remember that nothing you do or say will stop or cure your brother's addiction. It is so important that you know that, otherwise your life will be a continuous orbit around his chaos, and that will be to no avail. You are young and you need to grow. He will have to deal with his addiction one day, and that day is between him and his Higher Power. He does have a chance, and it will be vastly improved when his family receives treatment.

outtolunch

None of you can prevent him from doing anything. He's an adult and hell bent on living life as he sees fit to do.

What's the source of your brother's income?
Who pays for his cell phone? His car? His insurance?

outtolunch

Another book recommendation:

"Don't Let Your Kids Kill you."