Observations re: contact with AS
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Join Date: May 2009
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Observations re: contact with AS
Going No Contact ... or even Very Limited Contact... is always hard, especially for us moms. It's so counter-intuitive!
I haven't spoken to my son for about 3 weeks, I know he's homeless and has absolutely nothing...not even his most precious guitar. Turning him over to God is a thing I do several times a day. I still think of him 1st thing when I wake up, last thing when I go to bed, and about 500x a day during my waking hours. Maybe some day I'll lose this obsession, but not yet. Baby steps, I suppose. I usually feel like I'm walking around in a slightly depressed and anxious daze. I can function, laugh, work, shop, etc... I'm okay...but it's just this little cloud that's always over my head. I don't think it will really ever go away completely, just need to learn to live with it.
Anyway... so out of the blue yesterday I got a call from AS (asking for a bus ticket to get to a job in another town--I said no) and we talked for about 10 minutes. When I hung up, I immediately noticed a HUGE feeling of relief and relaxation over my whole, entire body. I could breathe a little better, there was more bounce in my step, the cloud had dissipated! It's like I had a hit of my DOC and I was all better there for a little while!!! Of course it didn't take but an hour or two before my withdrawal symptoms kicked in again but this time a little worse than before. Then I was truly and deeply depressed and that lasted several more hours. I"m starting to feel my equilibrium return, finally. At least the cycles are shorter now, that's for sure.
Don't know if this is helpful to anyone but me. Just have to say that the point about our addicts being OUR drug was never more apparent to me than it was yesterday. I could feel it in my body and it was unmistakable.
Have a good day, all. Thanks for letting me ramble.
I haven't spoken to my son for about 3 weeks, I know he's homeless and has absolutely nothing...not even his most precious guitar. Turning him over to God is a thing I do several times a day. I still think of him 1st thing when I wake up, last thing when I go to bed, and about 500x a day during my waking hours. Maybe some day I'll lose this obsession, but not yet. Baby steps, I suppose. I usually feel like I'm walking around in a slightly depressed and anxious daze. I can function, laugh, work, shop, etc... I'm okay...but it's just this little cloud that's always over my head. I don't think it will really ever go away completely, just need to learn to live with it.
Anyway... so out of the blue yesterday I got a call from AS (asking for a bus ticket to get to a job in another town--I said no) and we talked for about 10 minutes. When I hung up, I immediately noticed a HUGE feeling of relief and relaxation over my whole, entire body. I could breathe a little better, there was more bounce in my step, the cloud had dissipated! It's like I had a hit of my DOC and I was all better there for a little while!!! Of course it didn't take but an hour or two before my withdrawal symptoms kicked in again but this time a little worse than before. Then I was truly and deeply depressed and that lasted several more hours. I"m starting to feel my equilibrium return, finally. At least the cycles are shorter now, that's for sure.
Don't know if this is helpful to anyone but me. Just have to say that the point about our addicts being OUR drug was never more apparent to me than it was yesterday. I could feel it in my body and it was unmistakable.
Have a good day, all. Thanks for letting me ramble.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
TJP, I feel exactly like you do. It has been 31 days since my last Facebook communication. Even though the words I heard on the message were not happy or helpful, it was a relief to know he was still "out there". It feels like the longer the NC goes, the better I do. I also obsess and think about JJ a lot, but I am now accepting that he will not be in my life while he is using. I cannot help him, I cannot make him want sobriety and I WILL NO LONGER ENABLE him. He is quite capable of figuring this life out for himself. BTW, leaving for Cabo San Lucas tomorrow and I am bound and determined to enjoy my trip 
Thanks for sharing and I am glad you got to hear from him and that he is okay.
Teresa
Thanks for sharing and I am glad you got to hear from him and that he is okay.
Teresa
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Thank you, TJP, as usual for posting this very insightful "rambling." I am still struggling with the idea of my daughter and my love & concern for her being my drug. However, I am starting to see important differences between love/concern and rescuing/fixing.
Since you said no to the bus ticket, how was it your drug? Just the conversation itself? Why did you feel so terrible after talking to him? These may be obvious concepts to many of you, but I am still trying my darnedest to sort it out.
As you know, I am working on very limited contact with my AD because I just feel heartbroken when I see her, and even though she is in a recovery program, I don't trust her and I am scared for her future. That--being scared for her--is clearly a codie thing. I am in the thick of it. It makes me feel a little crazy to be grieving what we don't have (a good rapport) and delineating healthy boundaries (keeping her at a distance). I am sure this will be crystal clear to some of you. For me it feels like a gloppy mess of emotional confusion.
Since you said no to the bus ticket, how was it your drug? Just the conversation itself? Why did you feel so terrible after talking to him? These may be obvious concepts to many of you, but I am still trying my darnedest to sort it out.
As you know, I am working on very limited contact with my AD because I just feel heartbroken when I see her, and even though she is in a recovery program, I don't trust her and I am scared for her future. That--being scared for her--is clearly a codie thing. I am in the thick of it. It makes me feel a little crazy to be grieving what we don't have (a good rapport) and delineating healthy boundaries (keeping her at a distance). I am sure this will be crystal clear to some of you. For me it feels like a gloppy mess of emotional confusion.
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(((((tjp)))))
Your 'ramblings' are never just 'ramblings'. They are very insightful introspection
of yourself showing just how in tune you are with you.
I so appreciate your 'ramblings.' Please don't stop!! lol
Thank you for your ES&H.
Love and hugs,
Your 'ramblings' are never just 'ramblings'. They are very insightful introspection
of yourself showing just how in tune you are with you.
I so appreciate your 'ramblings.' Please don't stop!! lol
Thank you for your ES&H.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by GardenMama 
Thank you, TJP, as usual for posting this very insightful "rambling." I am still struggling with the idea of my daughter and my love & concern for her being my drug. However, I am starting to see important differences between love/concern and rescuing/fixing.
The love and concern (to me) is not the drug...it's the need for contact at any cost. There were times when I couldn't go 2 days without contact if I knew he was not 'safe'. It would drive me nuts to think of him hungry, homeless and/or high on drugs. But now I realize that I am more serene when I have no contact. I function better. I am happier. It's OK for me to be happy.
Since you said no to the bus ticket, how was it your drug? Just the conversation itself? Yes, just the contact itself was the drug and to be honest I certainly did my share of 'lecturing' (trying to control) and got loads of (fake?) reassurance. I heard him say "I love you" and "I understand" and "I'm not angry"....all soothing balms to this mom, let me tell you.
Why did you feel so terrible after talking to him? Because I know nothing has really changed. He did end up finding a ride without my help and says he has a job and a place to stay. This means money in his pocket which, in turn, means heroin in his veins since he's not in a recovery program. I hope I'm wrong, but I try to be a realist as well. Heroin makes me depressed. Losing my son makes me depressed.
These may be obvious concepts to many of you, but I am still trying my darnedest to sort it out.
As you know, I am working on very limited contact with my AD because I just feel heartbroken when I see her, and even though she is in a recovery program, I don't trust her and I am scared for her future. That--being scared for her--is clearly a codie thing. I am in the thick of it. It makes me feel a little crazy to be grieving what we don't have (a good rapport) and delineating healthy boundaries (keeping her at a distance). I am sure this will be crystal clear to some of you. For me it feels like a gloppy mess of emotional confusion.
The love and concern (to me) is not the drug...it's the need for contact at any cost. There were times when I couldn't go 2 days without contact if I knew he was not 'safe'. It would drive me nuts to think of him hungry, homeless and/or high on drugs. But now I realize that I am more serene when I have no contact. I function better. I am happier. It's OK for me to be happy.
Since you said no to the bus ticket, how was it your drug? Just the conversation itself? Yes, just the contact itself was the drug and to be honest I certainly did my share of 'lecturing' (trying to control) and got loads of (fake?) reassurance. I heard him say "I love you" and "I understand" and "I'm not angry"....all soothing balms to this mom, let me tell you.
Why did you feel so terrible after talking to him? Because I know nothing has really changed. He did end up finding a ride without my help and says he has a job and a place to stay. This means money in his pocket which, in turn, means heroin in his veins since he's not in a recovery program. I hope I'm wrong, but I try to be a realist as well. Heroin makes me depressed. Losing my son makes me depressed.
These may be obvious concepts to many of you, but I am still trying my darnedest to sort it out.
As you know, I am working on very limited contact with my AD because I just feel heartbroken when I see her, and even though she is in a recovery program, I don't trust her and I am scared for her future. That--being scared for her--is clearly a codie thing. I am in the thick of it. It makes me feel a little crazy to be grieving what we don't have (a good rapport) and delineating healthy boundaries (keeping her at a distance). I am sure this will be crystal clear to some of you. For me it feels like a gloppy mess of emotional confusion.
Accepting ALL that is...the good, the bad and the ugly. Accepting the spiritual concept that All Is Well. Accepting that I don't have power to overcome his addiction. Accepting that suffering comes with attachment. Accepting that his problems are not my problems.
For me, ACCEPTANCE is the key to it all and knowing that we are eternal spiritual beings having a human experience. It will all be OK in the end. I guess some people call that "faith".
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Garden Mama, I just wanted to send a HUG to you. It is very hard to detach and we all are "gloppy messes" sometimes
We all love our Addicts, we just need to learn through practice the way we can love them but not fix them. For Moms especially, this one is tough.
TJP, in reflecting on your message, I am still very glad he called you. I would take a call from JJ and even if it hurt afterward, I would be glad to know he was still on the earth.
We all love our Addicts, we just need to learn through practice the way we can love them but not fix them. For Moms especially, this one is tough.
TJP, in reflecting on your message, I am still very glad he called you. I would take a call from JJ and even if it hurt afterward, I would be glad to know he was still on the earth.
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TJP, in reflecting on your message, I am still very glad he called you. I would take a call from JJ and even if it hurt afterward, I would be glad to know he was still on the earth.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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You are a gift to me. Thank you for elaborating, TJP. Everything you said helps me sort and sift the knowledge of this new world I am finding inside myself. Acceptance. Faith. Giving her the dignity to live her own life. So grateful. I tried to attach a picture of my favorite rosebush as a thanks but it's not working, so I am picking a bouquet of flowers from my garden for you...it'll be on my kitchen table.
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Originally Posted by GardenMama
You are a gift to me. Thank you for elaborating, TJP. Everything you said helps me sort and sift the knowledge of this new world I am finding inside myself. Acceptance. Faith. Giving her the dignity to live her own life. So grateful. I tried to attach a picture of my favorite rosebush as a thanks but it's not working, so I am picking a bouquet of flowers from my garden for you...it'll be on my kitchen table.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 33
"I still think of him 1st thing when I wake up, last thing when I go to bed, and about 500x a day during my waking hours. Maybe some day I'll lose this obsession, but not yet. Baby steps, I suppose. I usually feel like I'm walking around in a slightly depressed and anxious daze. I can function, laugh, work, shop, etc... I'm okay...but it's just this little cloud that's always over my head. I don't think it will really ever go away completely, just need to learn to live with it."
This is EXACTLY how I feel about my son!! he's 23 and has been clean from heroin for 7 weeks. These 7 weeks I've realized how deeply this has been effecting me because I haven't breathed so easily or had so much time to think about other things in a LONG time! Last night I talked to him (he is currently in another state), and he sounded like he was messed up.
I'm not sure of it, we'll have to see what unfolds, either way, I know I can't control it but if he's relapsed I know that little cloud over my head will be back!
This is EXACTLY how I feel about my son!! he's 23 and has been clean from heroin for 7 weeks. These 7 weeks I've realized how deeply this has been effecting me because I haven't breathed so easily or had so much time to think about other things in a LONG time! Last night I talked to him (he is currently in another state), and he sounded like he was messed up.
I'm not sure of it, we'll have to see what unfolds, either way, I know I can't control it but if he's relapsed I know that little cloud over my head will be back!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
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You are an inspiration, tjp, when you share like this...because it helps me/us feel okay to have shaky feelings sometimes, even when we have some good recovery under our belts. Recovery doesn't mean we won't have bad days, it means we now have the tools to get through them
I'm glad your boy contacted you and sorry he's still "out there". Keeping him in my prayers.
Hugs
I'm glad your boy contacted you and sorry he's still "out there". Keeping him in my prayers.
Hugs
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
I pray for the day when that little cloud over all of our heads disappears. I felt like you were talking about me in your post because that's exactly how I feel. Like you, I can function...work, shop etc. but when I have down time my mind starts to wander and a sense of sadness overcomes me. I'm happy you heard from your son but sad because of all the feelings it drudged up for you. Hopefully, today is a better day for you. As always, SR members and their loved ones are in my prayers and thoughts.
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Originally Posted by allthatsgood
Hopefully, today is a better day for you. As always, SR members and their loved ones are in my prayers and thoughts.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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I haven't talked to my AS since December, but he talks to my mom cause she gives him money. He is also currently a fugitive; he was arrested for casing a check that belonged to some woman fraudulently and never showed up at his court date. I also have this cloud over me always but these posts have helped me so much. The thing that bothers me is that I can't afford rehab for him evenif he did want it.
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Originally Posted by tjp613
..it's just this little cloud that's always over my head. I don't think it will really ever go away completely, just need to learn to live with it.
Being the human I am, I still have those days where the little cloud is back, but I recognize it and have the tools to gently blow that cloud away!
Hugs from one mama to another!
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