Did I do the right thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Did I do the right thing?
My ABF (Or EX ABF, it's a little unclear) walked out on Detox last night. This was after his Mom sat through two hours of traffic and a 3.5 hour round trip to get him there. Amongst a million other things she did to help him. And he's 28 years old, she shouldn't have to wipe his a** for him anymore.
Last night he called me and left a voicemail saying he'd left, he was on on the street, he needed somewhere to stay. I ignored his calls. His Mom had told him he had nowhere to stay if he chose to leave because he wasn't welcome to stay with her. He knows he can't stay with me.
Did I do the right thing by not answering his call or helping him? He called begging saying he had nowhere to go that he was in the middle of the hood (which he must have taken the train to because the detox place isn't in the hood...) and he had nowhere to go.
I still don't think he does. But he did this to himself right. He's the one who wants to go off and use or whatever it is he expected to gain by walking out. I shouldn't enable him by helping him after he put himself in this situation? Besides he can't stay here with babies in the house, it's not even my house I'm at my parents.
And it's not like I have the money to put him in a hotel. But he's like on the phone like " I really wish you'd answer I need you right now etc" and I'm just like well WTF you're the one who put yourself there!
He's probably been arrested or something by now. Maybe I should just change my number so he can't call me like this anymore. I blocked his actual cell phone but he often calls from his Mom's house, pay phones, a friends phone etc...
Last night he called me and left a voicemail saying he'd left, he was on on the street, he needed somewhere to stay. I ignored his calls. His Mom had told him he had nowhere to stay if he chose to leave because he wasn't welcome to stay with her. He knows he can't stay with me.
Did I do the right thing by not answering his call or helping him? He called begging saying he had nowhere to go that he was in the middle of the hood (which he must have taken the train to because the detox place isn't in the hood...) and he had nowhere to go.
I still don't think he does. But he did this to himself right. He's the one who wants to go off and use or whatever it is he expected to gain by walking out. I shouldn't enable him by helping him after he put himself in this situation? Besides he can't stay here with babies in the house, it's not even my house I'm at my parents.
And it's not like I have the money to put him in a hotel. But he's like on the phone like " I really wish you'd answer I need you right now etc" and I'm just like well WTF you're the one who put yourself there!
He's probably been arrested or something by now. Maybe I should just change my number so he can't call me like this anymore. I blocked his actual cell phone but he often calls from his Mom's house, pay phones, a friends phone etc...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 71
Don't answer.
He did do this to himself and he will only use you for what he can get and keep using....
Either change your number or block his calls...when i went through my divorce a few years back i changed the X's contact name in my phone to "Don't Answer" just as a reminder when i saw it come up.
He made his choice to go to the streets by walking out of Detox. His choice...his problem.
He did do this to himself and he will only use you for what he can get and keep using....
Either change your number or block his calls...when i went through my divorce a few years back i changed the X's contact name in my phone to "Don't Answer" just as a reminder when i saw it come up.
He made his choice to go to the streets by walking out of Detox. His choice...his problem.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing!! He chose to walk out of rehab knowing full well he had no place to stay. He made that big-boy decision all by himself, right? He can figure out the rest.
Changing your number will definitely help you to maintain balance and serenity. Do it.
Changing your number will definitely help you to maintain balance and serenity. Do it.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
No contact sure wouldn't be a bad thing for your serenity.
He knew he no where to go when he choose to leave detox. He did this to himself .... fully expecting someone (you or his mother) to save him. The calls and the begging are an attempt to manipulate you. To make you feel bad.
In my opinion, as he feels the full impact of his choice the better off he is. May be he'll get tired of it more quickly. May be this could be his bottom. If he were to be 'saved' what would be the incentive to quit?
You're doing the right thing.
He knew he no where to go when he choose to leave detox. He did this to himself .... fully expecting someone (you or his mother) to save him. The calls and the begging are an attempt to manipulate you. To make you feel bad.
In my opinion, as he feels the full impact of his choice the better off he is. May be he'll get tired of it more quickly. May be this could be his bottom. If he were to be 'saved' what would be the incentive to quit?
You're doing the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Changing your number is probably a sensible decision. I know my anxiety decreased when I did. Yes, he left someplace he had a bed and meals to go on the street. He wants someone-you- to give him a bed and food without that pesky recovery stuff. That is how addicts are. He is manipulating you and trying to scare you with that ghetto stuff. You are doing good, stay strong
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Well he got arrested last night. So he can rot his f***ing heart breaking selfish piece of s*** criminal scum bag a** in jail. I'm done. I should have never got involved with him. I honestly just thought he was past all this s*** but once a criminal always a criminal I guess.
I'm done.
I'm done.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
You made the right choice, Fenway! He did his sowing, now he can reap.
Someone once asked me if I continue to reap what my AH sows, what good would it do anyone?
I think it's a great idea to change your number!
Great job on keeping up your boundaries!!!!
Someone once asked me if I continue to reap what my AH sows, what good would it do anyone?
I think it's a great idea to change your number!
Great job on keeping up your boundaries!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I know it's stupid and he made his own decisions but this stupid sick part of me is still asking what could I have done to stop this, what if I'd answered the phone...I know I can't afford to think like that but a small part of me is.
I really am heart broken.
But I am also done with him. I can't do this anymore. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who can love me back and who isn't constantly ripping my heart out
So even tho he's not good, even tho he's a scum bag lying criminal selfish piece of poo why is it that it hurts so damn bad?
Does it get any easier? Do you let go a little more each day? I do still love him despite everything. But I do have a new clarity now. This need to be over. We've been NC for 3 days now. And it's hurt like hell and it's been lonely but it has given me some clarity.
I really am heart broken.
But I am also done with him. I can't do this anymore. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who can love me back and who isn't constantly ripping my heart out
So even tho he's not good, even tho he's a scum bag lying criminal selfish piece of poo why is it that it hurts so damn bad?
Does it get any easier? Do you let go a little more each day? I do still love him despite everything. But I do have a new clarity now. This need to be over. We've been NC for 3 days now. And it's hurt like hell and it's been lonely but it has given me some clarity.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful 
So even tho he's not good, even tho he's a scum bag lying criminal selfish piece of poo why is it that it hurts so damn bad?
Does it get any easier?
Does it get any easier?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
Well he got arrested last night. So he can rot his f***ing heart breaking selfish piece of s*** criminal scum bag a** in jail. I'm done. I should have never got involved with him. I honestly just thought he was past all this s*** but once a criminal always a criminal I guess.
I'm done.
I'm done.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by FenwayFaithful
I know it's stupid and he made his own decisions but this stupid sick part of me is still asking what could I have done to stop this, what if I'd answered the phone...I know I can't afford to think like that but a small part of me is.
I really am heart broken.
But I am also done with him. I can't do this anymore. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who can love me back and who isn't constantly ripping my heart out
So even tho he's not good, even tho he's a scum bag lying criminal selfish piece of poo why is it that it hurts so damn bad?
Does it get any easier? Do you let go a little more each day? I do still love him despite everything. But I do have a new clarity now. This need to be over. We've been NC for 3 days now. And it's hurt like hell and it's been lonely but it has given me some clarity.
I really am heart broken.
But I am also done with him. I can't do this anymore. I do deserve better. I deserve someone who can love me back and who isn't constantly ripping my heart out
So even tho he's not good, even tho he's a scum bag lying criminal selfish piece of poo why is it that it hurts so damn bad?
Does it get any easier? Do you let go a little more each day? I do still love him despite everything. But I do have a new clarity now. This need to be over. We've been NC for 3 days now. And it's hurt like hell and it's been lonely but it has given me some clarity.
Yes it gets easier. Yes, you let go a little more each day. Life brings you pain for a REASON. Pain instructs and pain gives you the motivation to change. What you should be doing at this point is investigating how on earth you wound up with such a sick person as a BF. I suggest therapy, Al-Anon and reading. Take the time to do a lot of soul searching because that is what really makes you grow and mature.
It hurts to let go, but you can do this. It's a good hurt, I promise. You don't see it now but you will in a month or two or three. Here is a gift from me to you:
Comes the Dawn
Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept all of your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain.
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn and learn.
With every goodbye you learn.
Veronica A. Shoffstall
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept all of your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain.
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure.
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn and learn.
With every goodbye you learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
I am so God Damn sad right now it’s unexplainable. I went out to dinner tonight with friends. A few couples, some singles…everyone was laughing and having a good time and all I wanted to do was go home or be with him. I know he’s a douchebag criminal piece of sh** but I miss him. And we really did connect.
And I miss him. Am I allowed to miss him?
I know I couldn’t be with him and it’s better this way but it hurts so bad. And you’re right. I did think I could change him. I thought I could be enough. I just keep wondering what I could have done differently. If I’d answer the phone when he called from rehab or the street would it have been different? Could I have stopped this?
I know I shouldn’t but I blame myself a little bit.
But at the same time he’s freaking 28 years old. He breaks the hearts of everyone who loves him… he can make his own damn decisions. He shouldn’t constantly need someone else to wipe is as* he’s the one who walked our rehab he’s the one who picked up drugs in the first place he’s the one who did whatever he did to get arrested. So why I am I the one feeling like there’s something about me to blame?
Why did I miss him so much? Why is it that when I’m around great people who care about me and who are good for me all I can think about is him?
I know we are over. I know that and I know it's for the best. So why do I wish it wasn't?
And I miss him. Am I allowed to miss him?
I know I couldn’t be with him and it’s better this way but it hurts so bad. And you’re right. I did think I could change him. I thought I could be enough. I just keep wondering what I could have done differently. If I’d answer the phone when he called from rehab or the street would it have been different? Could I have stopped this?
I know I shouldn’t but I blame myself a little bit.
But at the same time he’s freaking 28 years old. He breaks the hearts of everyone who loves him… he can make his own damn decisions. He shouldn’t constantly need someone else to wipe is as* he’s the one who walked our rehab he’s the one who picked up drugs in the first place he’s the one who did whatever he did to get arrested. So why I am I the one feeling like there’s something about me to blame?
Why did I miss him so much? Why is it that when I’m around great people who care about me and who are good for me all I can think about is him?
I know we are over. I know that and I know it's for the best. So why do I wish it wasn't?
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
because you suffer from this horrible horrible disease and you are on the other side of it -the anon side. Our addicted loved ones numb their pain by using and all we have is the pain. And it sucks. And it hurts. And it's sad. And it makes NO SENSE AT ALL that we care so deeply for someone that is lost in their disease.
Years ago, a counselor told me that the rocks in my head fit the holes in my husband's head. That's probably the best explanation I have ever heard.
You are not the only one in this situation with these sorts of feelings. How come I still care deeply about a man who abused me and came close to killing me twice.....broke my heart and mistreated me? Has relapsed on crack and gets involved with unsavory women? It's because I have the yen to the yang of his addiction.
So, what is the difference? I work a recovery program now. I know that I am powerless over these emotions and feelings. I recognize that my life can quickly become unmanageable. I also believe that there is a HP that can restore me to sanity. And most importantly, I ask for that restoration.
Once I began to learn what to do with these feelings and that pain I began to make progress. Working the steps and leaning into my recovery are what help me to have the feelings dissipate.
It's going to get better in time. I can promise you that nothing you could have done would have made any difference in this situation...not in the long run. You actually helped him the most that you possibly could have by doing absolutely nothing. Letting him hit his bottom is the only way that he might ever do what he needs to do. Protecting him and saving him from hitting that place is a true tragedy. It's hard to let someone you love "fall" but it's worse to stand in the way of them getting to where they need to be.
One last point - you ask why do you care so much and why is this so hard? Pure and simple....you've developed an addiction. An addiction to him and all of the chaos in his life. Our brains scream out in pain when we don't get our hit. It takes a while to detox - and that is EXACTLY what you are going through. You are detoxing from your own drug - your brain is telling you to reach out to him and connect....that the pain of this separation and your choices is worse than the pain of deaing with him in addiction. It's telling you a lie. I never understand what it must be like to be an addict until last fall when I went through something similar. By working my own recovery and hanging close to SR I recognized what I was going through and it helped it make sense to me....and it helped me to keep taking the steps that I need to take.
You are so not alone......
Years ago, a counselor told me that the rocks in my head fit the holes in my husband's head. That's probably the best explanation I have ever heard.
You are not the only one in this situation with these sorts of feelings. How come I still care deeply about a man who abused me and came close to killing me twice.....broke my heart and mistreated me? Has relapsed on crack and gets involved with unsavory women? It's because I have the yen to the yang of his addiction.
So, what is the difference? I work a recovery program now. I know that I am powerless over these emotions and feelings. I recognize that my life can quickly become unmanageable. I also believe that there is a HP that can restore me to sanity. And most importantly, I ask for that restoration.
Once I began to learn what to do with these feelings and that pain I began to make progress. Working the steps and leaning into my recovery are what help me to have the feelings dissipate.
It's going to get better in time. I can promise you that nothing you could have done would have made any difference in this situation...not in the long run. You actually helped him the most that you possibly could have by doing absolutely nothing. Letting him hit his bottom is the only way that he might ever do what he needs to do. Protecting him and saving him from hitting that place is a true tragedy. It's hard to let someone you love "fall" but it's worse to stand in the way of them getting to where they need to be.
One last point - you ask why do you care so much and why is this so hard? Pure and simple....you've developed an addiction. An addiction to him and all of the chaos in his life. Our brains scream out in pain when we don't get our hit. It takes a while to detox - and that is EXACTLY what you are going through. You are detoxing from your own drug - your brain is telling you to reach out to him and connect....that the pain of this separation and your choices is worse than the pain of deaing with him in addiction. It's telling you a lie. I never understand what it must be like to be an addict until last fall when I went through something similar. By working my own recovery and hanging close to SR I recognized what I was going through and it helped it make sense to me....and it helped me to keep taking the steps that I need to take.
You are so not alone......
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