Emily5938

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and 10 months now. I am 23 and he is 29. When we first got together I did not know he was abusing pain pills, cocaine and alcohol behind my back. After a couple months I began figuring it out and confronted him about it. He admitted to me that he "used to be an addict" and told me about his past of shooting heroin. He then told me he goes to a methadone clinic every morning (which he hid from me the first month or so) so he did admit his addiction problem to his parents and seeked help, which led him to this clinic. Even though he wasn't shooting up anymore, he was still abusing pills and occasionally cocaine. His friends are all negative influences which doesn't help the situation at all. After about 5 months of being together his problem seemed to have gotten better since he realized he needed to stop in order to be with me and we moved in together in a new apartment, where we have lived for over a year now.
We get along great 95% of the time and have no issues living together. But as our relationship went on I noiticed a pattern where we'd get along and be happy for a straight 4-5 weeks then there would be a 2-3 day period where i'd come home from work in the evening (I work retail so don't get home till 9:30 sometimes) and find him completely out of his mind acting different, talking different, and doing things out of his normal behavior. I eventually found out he was still occasionally abusing xanax and cocaine then drinking on top of that. He'd do it while I was at work then deny everything and lie nonstop. 2 days later he'd go back to his normal self and I'd forgive him and we'd continue our relationship. The same pattern progressed, and is still progressing today...
He has even became physically aggressive with me several times (especially on the xanax) Ialso kknow the side effects of the methodone play a part in this as well.
For the past 2-3 months things have started to fall apart even more with the lies and the abuse and he is also a very heavy weed smoker (smoking several times throughout the day starting as early as 8:30am before he goes to work) it has really taken a told on our relationship, which is a shame because when he is normal, like 95% of the time our relationship is perfect. A month ago I moved out of our apartment because I cpuld not take the lies he would say to cover up all the abuse of weed pills drinking etc...
Since I've moved out we have seen each other a couple times a week. He said he would change and he knew he was ruining our relationship, so I believed him and keep giving h chamces. This past week he has been drinking a lot behind my back. We have been arguing a lot these past few weeks and everytime he swears it'll never happen again. The past 3 nights I have tried giving him chances and tried spending time together to work things out, and the past 3 nights I've went over, he's been drunk. Slurring his words and just not acting himself at all. ItIt's so dissappointing and sad for me to see him like that and all the drinking has caused even more problems between us. Its like he's just replaced all the weed smoking and pill abuse with drinking.
I keep going back because I love him so much and I care about him more than anything and I want him to get better and be thr great guy that I know he can be 100% of the time. In a way, I know its not the real him when he's like that so I guess thats why I keep giving him chances. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, and I want to be with him and be able to live with him not having to worry if he's lying to me or doing something behind my back. But lately its seemed impossible. He has even started going to another local rehab facility to speak with theripists and get additional help on top of the clinic. But all its done is make him replace it with alcohol. I'm at a loss and literally do not know what to do anymore to save our relationship. Its incredibly frustrating and I want him to get better so bad but nothing seems to be working. Of course I know he's came a long way from where he was before I met him but its ruining our relationship. I'm out of answers. I know he wants to get better but the poor decisions won't seem to stop, especially lately with the drinking and lying.
Sorry I know that was a lot but if anyone has any advice or has gone through something similar please reply! I love him and don't want to leave him at all but I feel like he'll never learn and take it seriously unless I do. Please help bc I don't know what else to do or say to him. I've pretty much lost all faith. Please!
Thank you

Emily5938

Sorry for all of the typos, stupid cell phone keyboard

PhotoArtist

I totally understand what you are going through. My husband is an addict and has been dangerously abusing opiates. He is actually checking into an inpatient rehab facility in the next day or so. But trust me, although this is good news, the past year has been pure hell for me, and it looks like you are going down the same path that I did.

First things first, your bf is an addict and will always be an addict. And until he gets help he won't stop abusing drugs and alcohol. And YOU CAN NOT HELP HIM. Again, YOU CAN NOT HELP HIM. Every time you go back, it gives him another excuse NOT to get the help he needs. Until he has no one and has hit rock bottom (just like my husband has), he will continue this cycle.

I understand that you love him, but sometimes really loving someone means LETTING HIM GO. Until he has had enough of living like this, he won't change. He can tell you that he is sorry, he loves you, he needs you, he will stop, this time he will stop, and guess what, HE WON'T. I'm sorry if I am being blunt, and I don't mean to sound uncaring, but I know what you are going through. I know exactly how you feel. So take it from someone who has been there (and is still going through it), LET HIM GO. If he really loves you and really wants to get clean, he will get the help he needs. But HE HAS TO MAKE THE CHOICE. It doesn't matter how much you beg, cry, plead, he has to want to stop FOR HIMSELF.

You can't save the relationship. You can't save him. But you can save yourself. LET HIM GO. LET HIM FIND HIS OWN WAY. LET HIM MAKE HIS OWN CHOICES. And if he choses to continue abusing drugs, it will be his loss, not yours. But sadly, his loss will eventually be the loss of his life.

I know it is a lot to process, and you still want to save him. But really, you can't. In the meantime, get help for yourself. Therapy is a good start. Also, Al-Anon and Nar-Anon meetings are great. And get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Take care of yourself, get professional help if possible, and keep coming back to SR!

Keeping you in my thoughts are prayers,

Emily5938

Thank you so much and I know you're exactly right. Sounds like that is exactly what he says and does. And as much as that hurt to read, thank you for being blunt about it. He has spoken to theripists, councilers and reciently joined a new rehab place where he made a commitment to start takping the help seriously but still nothing works and no matter how many forms of counciling he gets, he still chooses to do what he does. I know he'll never give it 100% commitment unless I leave and don't go back but that also scares me into the thought of "what if he gets even worse due to boredom and me not being there anymore" I know it'd be better for me just bc I would be seperating myself from the situation but I care about him...
I would like for him to go to an inpatient facility something like your husband to see what that would do to him. Hopefully in your case it will work. Its so frustrating and depressing as you know. I just wish there was something I could do... but now that I know i cant do anything, it makes a lot of sense now. Thank you so much for the advice. My weakness is just answering everytime he calls me just so I can hear his voice to see if he's normal or not, and if he is himself, I give in and talk with him just bc it makes me happy hearing the real him, especially lately. Do u have any advice on that? Should I keep in touch while he's getting help so he knows I'm supporting him instead of just getting mad and arguing with him? Or no contact at all? But then again... I have listened to how he tells me he's talking with these theripists and taking it seriously but then it just happens again. So I'm sure the answer is no..
Thank you though for giving it to me straight and if there is anything else u could share please feel free
-Emily

PhotoArtist

Emily,

You are having the same thoughts as was having two weeks ago when I made my husband leave our house. I just couldn't take the drug abuse, lies, betrayal and pain any more. His drug abuse had gotten so bad that I thought I would find him dead in our home. I refused to allow that to happen, so I made him leave and made the decision that I would not allow him back into our home until he was clean and on his way to recovering from his addiction.

He was homeless for 7 days, and it was pure hell for me. I was so scared, for him and for myself. I didn't know where he was or if he was dead or alive. The first day or two, I tried to track him down, find out where he was, just so that I knew he was ok. I couldn't sleep unless I heard his voice. It was horrible. I was so terrified that he would accidentally overdose or take his own life. I kept thinking, "How will I live with myself if that happened?" But I also knew that i wouldn't be able to live with myself if I allowed him to abuse drugs and he ended up dying in our home. That would have been much, much worse.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I had to do it, for MYSELF. I couldn't live like that anymore, and if I wouldn't have kept my boundary in place, he would be in our home right now with a needle in his arm.

It only took him one week to realize that if he didn't get help he would not only lose everything, including me, but he would end up dying. Some addicts never come to this realization and the addiction ends up killing them. There is no way to tell how long it will take an addict to reach his/her "rock bottom". It could be days, weeks, months, years or never. But what is the same for all addicts is that they will either get 1. Cleaned Up, 2. Locked Up, or 3. Covered Up. But that is his choice and his choice alone. Until he has really had enough, until he is really done with it, he will continue to abuse drugs. Hopefully, your bf will hit rock bottom sooner than later, but he will never get to that point if you or anyone else continues to allow him back into your life.

And I know that it is sooooooo hard not to answer the phone when he calls. I really do, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. If you can't find the strength not to answer the phone, block his number. Or change your phone humber. And if you still can't do that, then change his ring tone to "silent" so that you won't know when he is calling you. Of course you will see the missed call afterwards, but if you don't hear the phone ring, you can't answer it, right? Then at least you know that he is still alive. Cutting off all contact with him is really the best thing to do, but it's okay if you don't have the strength to do it right now.

Also, set some boundaries. For example, tell him that "I will not be in any type of relationship with you until you are clean," or "I will no longer enable you to abuse drugs. In order to stop enabling you, I will not have any contact with you until I have proof that you are on your way to recovering from your addiction." You have to set healthy boundaries, boundaries that you can follow through with. If you aren't ready for this, then take baby steps. "I will only speak to you when you are sober." "I will not spend time with you if you are using drugs or alcohol." I know you can keep those boundaries!

I really wish I could tell you exactly what you should do or shouldn't do, but it's not that simple. I really wish it would be that simple! But I will tell you that you need to take care of yourself, as best as you possibly can right now. And I know it is hard to focus on yourself when you are so worried about him. I struggle with this every day of my life. But every day, I get a little stronger. Just ask yourself, "What do I need and want?", and then figure out HOW you can get those things. Also, what are the things that make you happy? Do things that make you happy, whether it is reading a book, exercising, spending time with friends, playing sports, volunteering at an animal shelter, etc. etc. etc. Do things that you enjoy, and I promise you that you won't spend so much time focusing on HIM AND HIS ADDICTION.

I really need to get some sleep, big day tomorrow. But if you want to talk more, just send me a private message tomorrow. What helps me the most is talking to other people LIKE ME We help each other get through the tough times, that's what SR is all about!

Talk to you soon,

Txhelp

You cant work on a relationship w an active addict. Work on you....set your boundaries and get. Support. He wont be giving you any. Hugs.....

Emily5938

Thank you and yes, that is the hardest part, not being able to sleep until I hear his voice. Just because I want to see if he is his normal self or not. I am definitely going to make his ringtone silent that's a good idea and I think that'll help a lot. I'm also going to contact him one more time, maybe through a text message? Just to say "I don't want to have any contact with you until you can stay clean" I just know whatever he says in responce is going to be hard not to respond to... but I am going to be strong today and stick up for myself and not give in.
Photoartist...it says I can't send a private message until I have 5 posts so u may have to send me one first bc I do want to keep in touch with you

AnvilheadII

heroin
methodone
cocaine
opiates
xanax
alcohol
weed
lying
incoherent
physically aggressive
attending another rehab clinic WHILE still drinking and smoking weed, and probably still other things

THIS is who he is, this is all he has to offer right now. there is no perfect, there is "who YOU think he can be if...."
with all the drug use and behaviors going on i'm hard pressed to see how you come up with 95% great???? i think you might be gilding the lily a bit there (denial).

i'm relieved to see you took the big step and moved out. distance is the best thing for you. he won't change until HE is ready to change and that might be a long LONG time down the road, or maybe even never. he LIED to you about who he was from the beginning.

KeepinItReal

In a way, I know its not the real him when he's like that so I guess thats why I keep giving him chances. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, and I want to be with him and be able to live with him not having to worry if he's lying to me or doing something behind my back. But lately its seemed impossible.

It's impossible to be with a fantasy in reality. I know what you want this to be. I have been there! The truth is - you deserve to be with someone who is not going to lie to you.

I'm having the hardest time trying to forgive my AH of lying about things and stealing from my kids and selling his car ... for drugs. He's now in jail where he should be.. but is willing to go to a 14 month in patient facility... because IT IS THAT BAD.

I'm also not filing for divorce... but did leave my AH at one point, when I was pregnant with my second child because he only cared about drugs. He really didn't care about me. Of course he came back eight months later and in the form from a letter in jail. He knew how much I loved him and knew I would help him get help. So... even when they are really trying... it's still hard. Really hard.

Emily5938

Your right and I just need to accept this. Its just hard when u love someone and lived with them for over a year and planned on spending the rest of your life with them. And when I said its good 95% of the time it is because he's so perfect to be around when he's his normal self. We get along and make each other laugh and our personalities have a lot in common (minus the addiction problem of course) its just a few days every couple of months when its bad but those couple of days destroy our whole relationship. The reason I'm seeking advice and looking for help and joined this website is because its only gotten worse since I've moved out. And the drinking has replaced the pill abuse and the lying has only gotten worse. Some nights ill talk to him over the phone and he'll be completely fine and be the guy that I love. Same goes for when I speak to him during the day while he's at work. Then ill come home, or speak to him later on and it is if nothing we spoke about earlier mattered. Especially these past 3 nights when he's his normal self and wants me to come back over to spend time with him and ill go over and he's been drinking and completely denies it and tells me he only drank 1 or 2 beers. I have told him today that I cannot continue my relationship with him until he is clean and knows how to stay clean and I'm going to stand my ground and not give in this time.
Talking with you guys and hearing your opinion has made me realize that I cannot change him no matter how hard I try and now that u guys are saying "you cannot change an addict, only he can decide to change himself" makes complete sense because so far nothing I say sticks with him and I always find myself ending up in the same situation no matter how many days he is normal in between these fights. I have come to realize nothing I say will change this disease. I just hope and pray one day and one day soon he will realize that he's not only ruining his life but hurting mine too. I know what I need to do and Im trying to have the strength not to go back this time.

AnvilheadII

something to think about Emily....you mention "his normal self" a lot...as an addict with a fairly keen spidey sense, i believe that even in what you see as "normal" he's still using....just not as much. i doubt you've ever SEEN him 100% clean off of every single substance. think about that. in the blur and haze of all the various drugs he has taken or is taking even when you thought it was great, he was still under the influence of something.

case in point: Especially these past 3 nights when he's his normal self and wants me to come back over to spend time with him and ill go over and he's been drinking

you didn't cause it.
you can't change it.
you can't control it.

Tamerua

Welcome to the boards. You deserve to be loved by someone who is capable of it, and if he is actively using, which by all accounts he is and then some, he is not capable of loving you.

It is hard to let someone go but if there is one thing you can take from it, learn that you deserve so much more.

Emily5938

I guess your right. As long as I've known him, he has at least been under the influence of methadone every day and weed at some point in the day. All I can do is hope...and wait for the day to come when he can stau clean from everything. And I'm aware now that it is going to be a LONG wait

KeepinItReal

If you leave him, and he really loves you he will try to quit his precious drugs to win you back. If he chooses drugs... then he deserves what drugs will bring him. Misery, loneliness, un-paid bills, and slavery to the drugs. He will not be free to love, be loved or really live life until he can start appreciating how wonderful life is. Be careful and protect yourself.

Bella7

Hi Emily,

You're only 23 and you have your entire life ahead of you - don't let it become poisoned by your BF's addictions. Leave him asap and end all contact. Pretend he died if you must, but end all contact.

It will break your heart, but you WILL recover.

You will meet someone else eventually, and have a chance at a normal, HAPPY life. Don't stay with this guy - he is not your responsibility to fix - he will be an addict forever, and nothing you do will ever change that. You, and your future children, deserve better.

You are not responsible for whatever happens if you end it with him - he is responsible for his own actions. Period. No and's if's or but's.

For not only your own sake, but the sake of your future children, please break it off with this guy. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but you shouldn't accept this as something you need to work through with him. End it. The sooner the better.

Sorry to be so blunt, but my heart aches for you - I dated a guy in highschool and a year into the relationship, I found out he'd been using illegal steroids the entire time we'd been together - I ended our relationship and never looked back. I was heartbroken since I'd been so in love with him - but he wasn't future husband material - I couldn't take the risk. After the break up, I still saw him in the halls at school, but did not phone him, did not accept his calls, did not e-mail him, pretty much avoided all contact. I needed to do that in order to help myself get over him - it still took me a couple of years to get over the heartbreak, but was worth it.

And fast-forward a few year - a few years after breaking it off with the highschool boyfriend, I met my husband. I've been with my wonderful husband for 18 years, and we are so happy together - if I hadn't ended it with that other guy, I wouldn't be with the wonderful guy I'm with now.

Please end this relationship so you can move on and find someone less complicated - so you can find someone who you can build a happy life with... so you can find someone who will be a good role model for your future children... so you can find someone who will be a wonderful husband and equal partner with you... so you can find someone with no secrets.

overit263

Break it off now before he becomes your future ex husband!