I'm back.... long winded update & gratitude
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
I'm back.... long winded update & gratitude
Hi everyone, I've been here forever... but only lurking the past 1.5 years, because I didn't need to keep 'hearing' what I wasn't willing to 'hear' anymore. And now things have finally shifted....
Many things have changed for ol' Cess-- I've graduated college (Summa *** Laude, nonetheless) and will begin my studies for my graduate degree in clinical psych in 3 weeks, woo hoo. The ABF finally had his divorce finalized (about 1.5 year ago now), his kids and family are active in our lives—so all was going well in that department, and yet his drug abuse continued.... slowly but, surely, it certainly did. While the ABF didn't steal from me, or become abusive, the man I loved lost most of his financial stability (none of which is tied to mine, thank God I was smart there), lost his license, lost a ton of weight, and lost my trust/respect. This became my bottom. Somewhere around July 4th, I realized how angry I had become.... I realized that although MY behavior drastically changed (no more crazy making, snooping, enabling, excusing etc.), I was strong visceral reactions every time I LOOKED at the man I used to know-- I was evil, angry, bitter-- it was if I could feel disgust sweating out my pores.... and vile, borderline hate seething through my veins. Why? Because I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that was riddled with lies, deceit, and disrespect. To those who are new here, it's really easy to do.... because of this little thing called 'hope' that we all carried for ourselves and our addicted loved ones, when we believed we could 'love' it out of them.
With that all being said, July 14th I asked the man I used to know, to leave—this didn’t go so well, as he proclaimed he’d do “anything” to save our relationship. However, in a rather dry and detached fashion, I simply explained to him that he would need to have 30 days clean and sober, and to be working a program before we could even discuss reconciliation (I know some would say more than 30, but this was my minimal expectation, and finally a beginning to the end for me). Abf continued to fight me tooth and nail in this discussion... the short version: I wound up on my knees (literally) begging, crying, pleading for him to SEE me, to see how much pain I was in-- trying to sustain this relationship. In addition I explained to him that on several levels it was in a twisted way unfair to him-- there is no reason he should have wanted to stay with me, when I only feel utter disgust and bitterness when he talks to me, or tries to hold me.... although these emotions/feelings are my reality, it’s also unfair to him. Finally, bags were packed and he held my body trembling…. and said, “I’ll leave, I see you. I hear you. I can’t believe the damage I’ve done… I’ll leave.”
It’s been 3 weeks… and I must say things are going rather well. I've been talking to individuals involved in "the program" – they continue patting me on the back, giving me the support I need that I'm "doing the right thing" when he calls begging to be home. I said to one of my program friends, "I'm angry that I'm left with all this responsibility, but I'm at peace with it. I'm sad, that I miss my old best friend (even when he was high, there were some good times), but I'm at peace.... I'm lonely at times... but I'm at peace.... I wish I didn't have to make these decisions... but finally, finally, I'm at peace." He said to me, "you've finally come into what's called acceptance." Ah ha..... Now I see it. Clear as a bell.
Today, I still have plenty of work to do... but feeling stronger, and more confident in my decisions. Thank you all, still, for your years of sharing your stories. The ones' here who have reached the other side offer me hope for continued peace... and even those here just beginning the journey, remind me of why I don't want to turn back. I'm here if anyone needs anything from me as well....
Love,
Cessy
Many things have changed for ol' Cess-- I've graduated college (Summa *** Laude, nonetheless) and will begin my studies for my graduate degree in clinical psych in 3 weeks, woo hoo. The ABF finally had his divorce finalized (about 1.5 year ago now), his kids and family are active in our lives—so all was going well in that department, and yet his drug abuse continued.... slowly but, surely, it certainly did. While the ABF didn't steal from me, or become abusive, the man I loved lost most of his financial stability (none of which is tied to mine, thank God I was smart there), lost his license, lost a ton of weight, and lost my trust/respect. This became my bottom. Somewhere around July 4th, I realized how angry I had become.... I realized that although MY behavior drastically changed (no more crazy making, snooping, enabling, excusing etc.), I was strong visceral reactions every time I LOOKED at the man I used to know-- I was evil, angry, bitter-- it was if I could feel disgust sweating out my pores.... and vile, borderline hate seething through my veins. Why? Because I allowed myself to stay in a relationship that was riddled with lies, deceit, and disrespect. To those who are new here, it's really easy to do.... because of this little thing called 'hope' that we all carried for ourselves and our addicted loved ones, when we believed we could 'love' it out of them.
With that all being said, July 14th I asked the man I used to know, to leave—this didn’t go so well, as he proclaimed he’d do “anything” to save our relationship. However, in a rather dry and detached fashion, I simply explained to him that he would need to have 30 days clean and sober, and to be working a program before we could even discuss reconciliation (I know some would say more than 30, but this was my minimal expectation, and finally a beginning to the end for me). Abf continued to fight me tooth and nail in this discussion... the short version: I wound up on my knees (literally) begging, crying, pleading for him to SEE me, to see how much pain I was in-- trying to sustain this relationship. In addition I explained to him that on several levels it was in a twisted way unfair to him-- there is no reason he should have wanted to stay with me, when I only feel utter disgust and bitterness when he talks to me, or tries to hold me.... although these emotions/feelings are my reality, it’s also unfair to him. Finally, bags were packed and he held my body trembling…. and said, “I’ll leave, I see you. I hear you. I can’t believe the damage I’ve done… I’ll leave.”
It’s been 3 weeks… and I must say things are going rather well. I've been talking to individuals involved in "the program" – they continue patting me on the back, giving me the support I need that I'm "doing the right thing" when he calls begging to be home. I said to one of my program friends, "I'm angry that I'm left with all this responsibility, but I'm at peace with it. I'm sad, that I miss my old best friend (even when he was high, there were some good times), but I'm at peace.... I'm lonely at times... but I'm at peace.... I wish I didn't have to make these decisions... but finally, finally, I'm at peace." He said to me, "you've finally come into what's called acceptance." Ah ha..... Now I see it. Clear as a bell.
Today, I still have plenty of work to do... but feeling stronger, and more confident in my decisions. Thank you all, still, for your years of sharing your stories. The ones' here who have reached the other side offer me hope for continued peace... and even those here just beginning the journey, remind me of why I don't want to turn back. I'm here if anyone needs anything from me as well....
Love,
Cessy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
haha- I see they just *** out my honors because it's sounds like a bad word. I hope you all know what that means... lol. You have to maintain a 4.0 GPA for your college career to be awarded that on your diploma/graduation! 
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Hi Ces, glad you are finding peace at the other end of what sounds like a long storm. If there was nothin good there, none of us would have found ourselves staying or looking back with some regret. But at some point it just is not worth it anymore. Stay strong, better days are coming.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi Cyn... nice to hear from you, I had been wondering how you have been as well!
As far as my masters program, I am studying clinical psych with a focus on feministic psychology-- I intend to have a private practice. In addition, I am a 'writer' and am working on writing a book that discusses global issues and addresses (more specifically) the continued plight of women.... (that's the short version). Finally, I expect to enroute to the PsyD. program and teach at the college level- psychology and philosophy.
As far as my kids, they are wonderful-- two in college and one almost there as well. I feel very blessed that all of them have turned out to be loving, healthy, and productive young adults.
How are you? I see you are still contributing to the forums here-- you truly have much to offer those struggling with loving an addict. I commend your ablity to stay so engaged with those who need support in this area... as it can be emotionally draining for those who try to help (I know this because in my grad-program, those who want to specilize in addiction issues are prepared for the very low success rate, and the higher burn-out rate than in other areas of psychology/counseling).
I'm so glad to hear from you....
Blessings,
Cess
As far as my masters program, I am studying clinical psych with a focus on feministic psychology-- I intend to have a private practice. In addition, I am a 'writer' and am working on writing a book that discusses global issues and addresses (more specifically) the continued plight of women.... (that's the short version). Finally, I expect to enroute to the PsyD. program and teach at the college level- psychology and philosophy.
As far as my kids, they are wonderful-- two in college and one almost there as well. I feel very blessed that all of them have turned out to be loving, healthy, and productive young adults.
How are you? I see you are still contributing to the forums here-- you truly have much to offer those struggling with loving an addict. I commend your ablity to stay so engaged with those who need support in this area... as it can be emotionally draining for those who try to help (I know this because in my grad-program, those who want to specilize in addiction issues are prepared for the very low success rate, and the higher burn-out rate than in other areas of psychology/counseling).
I'm so glad to hear from you....
Blessings,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Cessy, it is so very good to see you here, and God bless you for posting on my thread.
What a fantastic job on your continuing education! Congratulations, my dear.
I'm really excited for you and your future! Sending you lots of hugs on the hot Kansas winds.
What a fantastic job on your continuing education! Congratulations, my dear.
I'm really excited for you and your future! Sending you lots of hugs on the hot Kansas winds.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Freedom-- Awe, thank you; it's nice to hear from you and everyone here. In fact, writing and reading on SR feels like family—those you can come to, those you who know you and all your demons, and still love you just the same.
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter-- no words I say will adequately express to you how much my heart goes out to both of you. Victimization is primary and secondary (family and friends affected by violence of a loved one), I sincerely pray for the both of you... on yet another journey of healing. Sometimes, it really seems life is just downright unfair....
Again, so happy to hear from you, and I'm sorry for the pain you and your family is enduring.
Blessings,
Cessy
I am so sorry to hear about your daughter-- no words I say will adequately express to you how much my heart goes out to both of you. Victimization is primary and secondary (family and friends affected by violence of a loved one), I sincerely pray for the both of you... on yet another journey of healing. Sometimes, it really seems life is just downright unfair....
Again, so happy to hear from you, and I'm sorry for the pain you and your family is enduring.
Blessings,
Cessy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hey Anvilllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh, and KNOWING me so well! Perhaps you should become the psychoanaisist! Hope all is well on your end... anything new and exciting?? How are those lovely pups of yours??
xo,
Cess
xo,
Cess
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