help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: new holland, pa
Posts: 3
help
just found out that my husband has been getting high for the past 3 weeks after being clean for ten years. i didnt know him when he got high. I also found out he has been cheating on me. Dont know if I can do this. He was working the program at one point I dont know what happened. He checked himself into a rehab last night.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR Deb, I am so sorry for what you are going through.
While he is at rehab, perhaps take quiet time for yourself to reflect on what you would like for your life, how you want to spend the years ahead and how you would change your life, if you could. You have choices, you can make your own plan, and you can use the quiet to decide if this is the life you want for yourself.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum.
I hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
While he is at rehab, perhaps take quiet time for yourself to reflect on what you would like for your life, how you want to spend the years ahead and how you would change your life, if you could. You have choices, you can make your own plan, and you can use the quiet to decide if this is the life you want for yourself.
Take a read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum.
I hope you find support and comfort here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
ahhh honey.....so sorry for your pain and your circumstances. I think that there is nothing that can prepare us for the sort of pain that you are experiencing. You got blindsided.
This is a wonderful forum and I hope that you are able to find a home here. Just remember that you don't need to make any decisions right away. He is away and you have time to sort through all of this and to determine if there is anything that you want to salvage.
Do you have sources of support? If you do - utilize them. If you don't, I'd really recommend getting to some meetings pretty quickly and let people know that you need and want support.
I want to remind you that this is NOT about you. He did not relapse because of you and he did not end up with another woman because of you. He has a sickness - and it took over. That doesn't mean he has an excuse....not at all. It means that you get to look at the facts and determine what you want and what is best for you.
When I was with my husband, his 1st year of sobriety was really nerve wracking for me. After that it got a whole lot better. Then once he hit 5 years I pretty much put my worries on the back burner. In hind sight, I now see that his relapse path began about 10 months after he got sober. It just took another 7 years for him to destroy our relationship and return to using.
It's too bad that he gets to go off to rehab/treatment and you don't. Where is everyone to help you get emotionally sober again? Well...we aren't inpatient treatment but we are a pretty good group. We want to welcome you. We understand your pain. We'll walk with you without judgement while you figure out what is best for you.
Please be gentle with yourself.......sending you hugs and love...
This is a wonderful forum and I hope that you are able to find a home here. Just remember that you don't need to make any decisions right away. He is away and you have time to sort through all of this and to determine if there is anything that you want to salvage.
Do you have sources of support? If you do - utilize them. If you don't, I'd really recommend getting to some meetings pretty quickly and let people know that you need and want support.
I want to remind you that this is NOT about you. He did not relapse because of you and he did not end up with another woman because of you. He has a sickness - and it took over. That doesn't mean he has an excuse....not at all. It means that you get to look at the facts and determine what you want and what is best for you.
When I was with my husband, his 1st year of sobriety was really nerve wracking for me. After that it got a whole lot better. Then once he hit 5 years I pretty much put my worries on the back burner. In hind sight, I now see that his relapse path began about 10 months after he got sober. It just took another 7 years for him to destroy our relationship and return to using.
It's too bad that he gets to go off to rehab/treatment and you don't. Where is everyone to help you get emotionally sober again? Well...we aren't inpatient treatment but we are a pretty good group. We want to welcome you. We understand your pain. We'll walk with you without judgement while you figure out what is best for you.
Please be gentle with yourself.......sending you hugs and love...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: new holland, pa
Posts: 3
thank you and yes i feel like i need rehab now but dont know where to go its not fair i have to keep going to work and acting professional like everything is ok. I cant sleep and eat and go to meetings and not go to work. I hate him but I miss my best friend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
I'm so very sorry. It does seem like the ones who put up with everything are the ones left behind to keep things together when a loved-one addict goes to rehab and support.
But you've got us! There are a lot of wonderful people here to just be with you and beside you.
Just remember, you don't have to decide anything right now - today. Take this time to think, get counsel and decide for yourself if this marriage is worth putting back together if possible. Though all cheating is wrong, I would want to know if if was on-going or long term or multiple partners.
If he was truly clean for ten years and is seriously seeking help after 3 weeks of using, he may be ready to get back what he is about to lose. I'm certainly not taking up for him and giving him a get out of jail free card. At this point, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's a tough, tough situation. But this too shall pass. I care.
But you've got us! There are a lot of wonderful people here to just be with you and beside you.
Just remember, you don't have to decide anything right now - today. Take this time to think, get counsel and decide for yourself if this marriage is worth putting back together if possible. Though all cheating is wrong, I would want to know if if was on-going or long term or multiple partners.
If he was truly clean for ten years and is seriously seeking help after 3 weeks of using, he may be ready to get back what he is about to lose. I'm certainly not taking up for him and giving him a get out of jail free card. At this point, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's a tough, tough situation. But this too shall pass. I care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this difficult situation. Take it slow and give yourself time to let your mind clear. You don't have to make decisions immediately.
It is tough to keep upright when the rug has been pulled out from under you. Reach out for support. I was always too proud to ask for help. I thought it was a sign of weakness. In reality, it takes a great deal of courage to ask for help and I now understand that it is actually a sign of strength.....
gentle hugs
ke
It is tough to keep upright when the rug has been pulled out from under you. Reach out for support. I was always too proud to ask for help. I thought it was a sign of weakness. In reality, it takes a great deal of courage to ask for help and I now understand that it is actually a sign of strength.....
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: new holland, pa
Posts: 3
I am sad, then I am mad. Then I dont care. Then I feel stupid. I really dont think I want to live my life this way. I knew I was marrying someone in recovery but apparently i didnt know what that meant.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Deb. I am so sorry. The same thing has happened to me, minus the rehab and minus the person actually telling the truth. I have had to piece things together and figure it out on my own. Being lied to and betrayed like this is just impossible, earth-shattering, has made me very sick, could not eat, barely functioning for months. Thank God for my job, otherwise I'd be in a nut house at this point.
I'd say let yourself feel whatever comes up, try not to focus on what you are going to do about the relationship, and please go to Al-Anon.
I'd say let yourself feel whatever comes up, try not to focus on what you are going to do about the relationship, and please go to Al-Anon.
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