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Is this a RED flag?

Old 08-01-2012, 09:07 AM
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Unhappy Is this a RED flag?

My RAH is on his 13th day sobriety, 13th day in NA meetings so far, so good. Since we are far apart, he is presently living with his mom and brother. The other day before he went to the meeting, he called me (he regularly does everyday), and has admitted that his addiction was screaming sooooo loud, that he prayed and went on with the meeting. Very thankful that he survived the day. Later that night he told me that he saw his brother (who is a long time confirmed addict) with a friend in their house before he went to the meeting, and he knows exactly what they've been doing. That's when he heard his addiction screaming so loud. At this point, I want to ask, is it healthy for a recovering addict to continue to stay in the house with his brother who is still engage in addiction? Is this a red flag? Once my RAH told me, he wants to move out immediately when I get there. Do i push him to move out even if am still where I am right now? Or is it really through his willingness to recover regardless of who he is living with?
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:15 AM
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sounds like a good question for his sponsor...does he have one?

IMHO I think sometimes that addicts in early recovery are still too dependent on acting out of their own will power. recovery takes some practice, and sometimes the ego of an addict will not recognize the imminent danger of an intense trigger and act quickly enough...

I know that it is often said that if someone wants to recover badly enough then they will...but early recovery is vulnerable and I am pretty sure that an NA sponsor would have him packing out of a heavy trigger zone immediately.

glad that he is open about it, that he wants to move, and that he recognizes his triggers...I hope he gets himself out of there. but that is HIS job, right?
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:27 AM
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He definitely wants to move out, but there are financial issues. As to his sponsor, he doesnt have one yet. I believe when you said that early recovery is vulnerable lesliej. I honestly do. The least I could do on the phone is to encourage his openness and listen. As what I have learned, I have to let him be responsible for his own recovery. But at the same time am thinking, as a wife,and with his openness in such issue, will I push him to find a sponsor or move out as soon as resources are ok? or will I just let him decide for himself?
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:49 AM
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his having a sponsor will benefit both of you. this way he might deflect his fears and speak of them with someone in recovery...sharing them with you can have the affect of reinforcing your codependency.

do YOU have a sponsor? now would be a great time to explore meetings and find someone for yourself!!

I know when I was in early recovery I resisted sponsorship...I was "encouraged" to get one through the pressure of hearing everyone else talk about sponsors at meetings...and
with my ex it was such a great and healthy freedom to tell him to "call his sponsor"

why not encourage him...? maybe some would say not to, to let him do it himself...but encouraging him to get a sponsor is also a way of encouraging recovery...and if it affects you in a positive way, so that you don't have to be his sounding board which reinforces your codependency then encouraging him to get a sponsor can be a good thing

in early recovery we can be kind of perfectionistic and have a hard time "choosing the perfect sponsor" seeing that initial ask for help as possibly a temporary sponsor can help ease the pressure of fear and perfectionism

I mention this for him, but also for YOU!
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
with my ex it was such a great and healthy freedom to tell him to "call his sponsor"

why not encourage him...? maybe some would say not to, to let him do it himself...but encouraging him to get a sponsor is also a way of encouraging recovery...and if it affects you in a positive way, so that you don't have to be his sounding board which reinforces your codependency then encouraging him to get a sponsor can be a good thing

I mention this for him, but also for YOU!


I appreciate this. Just that from where I am, NA/AA meetings are not happening. I do this on my own, reading, and being here on this site. I will suggest that he look for a sponsor then, but am not gonna be pushy. Just like you said, I dont want to be that same " controlling " codependent anymore. Am trying.
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Old 08-01-2012, 11:14 AM
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You need to be looking for Alanon or Naranon meetings for you. Those are for
the friends and families of the A.

AA and NA are for the A themselves.

Please keep reading and posting here as that will also help you!

Love and hugs,
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