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I am sicker than I could have dreamed

Old 07-31-2012, 07:21 PM
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I am sicker than I could have dreamed

I am such a sick person that it sickens me I have made some progress with my codependency that I myself can see yet I keep almost doing such stupid things.

AH, was suppose to have came bye here last Friday and brought me the money to pay the state he had sent a text that day saying he was still coming yayaya,

Later that night he sent a text saying (his exact words and his spelling)

"I no u dnt beleave me but i promise I be there tomorrow at D house he gonna work L picking him up i making lil money on it have it tomorrow

Next message: Give u some i want talk and do stuff if you will

Next message: Phone going dead

Of course he did not show up but I was thinking today I honestly believe I may have slept with him for the money be my husbands prostitute that is sick.

My DD gave him $350.00 to pay on a car she was gonna buy thankfully when the car deal fell through he gave it back except for I found out today he told her some song and dance and she "loaned" him $50.00 was suppose to have paid her yesterday. I can only hope he does but I think we all know the odds of that.

Instead of placing myself on the bargain rack I can't help but wonder if I was willing to throw myself in the trash.

I don't believe this, is part of codependency I have no clue what it is besides sick thinking.
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:13 PM
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angie,

you didn't do that tho. you dont really have to beat yourself up with that, as it did not even happen. he was putting you in an unfair position.

be good to yourself. you deserve it. i dont think you are sick at all. just human sweetie.

i think you are a very nice person, and kind. we live and learn. you have had some time to think about this, and your feelings will guide you in the right direction, should he make that unfair offer again.

sending a hug,
chicory
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:36 PM
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Ok.....let me understand something......you are beating yourself up for something that didn't happen? Girl you deserve more than that! It didn't happen. So let it go. It was simply a close call.

I think he put you in a very unfair position.

You have made such tremendous progress....do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from his manipulations.

lots of gentle hugs
ke
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:06 PM
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Hugs back to you, Angie. You're showing strength and that is a good thing.
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:20 PM
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maybe it's the imperfection of being human...
and having a brush with your own vulnerability that is necessary for growth.

maybe it's knowing that using your (ex?)spouse for "conjugal rights" in order to release some endorphins and soothe your grief while gaining finances from him...
well, maybe it's just a moment of weakness, and you dodged a bullet!

discovering this is part of "knowing yourself" which is a HUGE part of recovery
bringing it here to put it out in the open, instead of hiding it or repressing it in shame is another part of the process
and holding yourself accountable to the community here by sharing and reaching out is a major recovery move.

now you get the opportunity to imagine the after affects if he HAD come over, and use this insight and self wisdom to process some more!

it's all good...admitting where and how you feel "sick" and asking for help is HUGE!!!
congratulations! and HUGS!!
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:21 PM
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BTW...the misspelling is just so unsexy!
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:41 PM
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Doggone this afflliction!! It takes constant vigilance to keep on top of it! It is exhausting!! The secret is to not have these people in our lives, but what can we do about that!!? It would take a Saint or a SuperHero not to slip at times!! At least you get it!! Pat on the back from me!!
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:37 AM
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Originally Posted by lesliej View Post
BTW...the misspelling is just so unsexy!
Thanks for the laugh and kind words. You had a ? beside the EX we are not divorced but will be as soon as I can figure a way too get the money.

I always mess up on to, and too as you all know
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:42 AM
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I thank each of you and I do see what your saying I will view this now as aa learning experience and dig deeper inside myself. We are now NO contact the only way he is suppose to contact me is if something happens to one of our kids and he knows and I don't.

All of you are right about the position he knows that after I pay my bills I have $72.00 left for the entire month. I know if it had occurred I would have been sick after literally.

Leslie, Thank you for pointing out that there are some recovery good from this I didn't even see it that way I do now I suppose one of those strange wrapped gifts.
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Old 08-01-2012, 01:59 AM
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Im with Kind Eyes.....
Stop beating yourself up over a THOUGHT. Nothing happened.....and take it as a huge shake down of what you are NOT going to do if you ever have to be around him.
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Old 08-01-2012, 07:08 AM
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It didn't happen, that is the key. Keep your resolve and keep moving forward, you deserve so much better.
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Old 08-01-2012, 07:31 AM
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CB, I give you so much credit for coming out and being honest with yourself and everyone here. That takes so much courage and I also believe that it shows a lot of growth on your part. Thank you for sharing this, it's just what I needed today
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:08 AM
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Dear CB,

Way too hard on yourself, though I imagine it must have scared you, the thought of what might have happened. But it didn't, so you're okay. More than okay. Just right.

And when you mentioned about one of those "strangely wrapped gifts," it made me think of how some days I wish for a blessing that isn't in disguise.

Hugs and peace to you.
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:16 AM
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Leslie, Thank you for pointing out that there are some recovery good from this I didn't even see it that way I do now I suppose one of those strange wrapped gifts.


am happy that you were able to see what good lessons it brought you. Dwell on the good things! Keep going! Hugs Hugs Hugs!
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:15 AM
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(((((((Angie)))))))))

Wow I thought I was tough on myself. Easy there woman, you are a gentle, kind, caring, wonderful person. Be good to yourself.

Big Hug Katie. xo
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