What would you do?

Old 07-31-2012, 06:09 PM
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What would you do?

Our 23 yr old A/S is out of our house. Been to rehabs the same vicious cycle over and over again...done the suboxone and still continues to abuse, misuse his suboxone and who knows what else. He also has a drinking problem....
Long story short he and his roommate were robbed by 2 armed robbers at their apt. approx. 2 weeks ago, they live in the hood!! Neither wanted to stay there because of safety issues and I don't blame them. They broke the lease, but had to pay an outlandish penalty and proration!!!
So now my son has been staying at a weekly hotel...in the worst part of town, his roommate conveniently move in with his girlfriend.
Our son is not working and has a limited amount of money to live on. I had been holding on tightly to the little money he had and finally gave him all his $1,800. to him last week. Who know's how much he has left. He literally does not know how to manage money and I can bet he has been using it hmmm....drugs and alcohol.

Okay this is my delimma...He has no way of getting his valuables out of his apartment, his car is in our garage and has been for a year plus.
Heck his stuff may already be out on the front lawn of the apartment complex???
It is killing me to know that he has his approx. $900. keyboard/piano and other stuff in that apartment and he may AGAIN loose everything.
In the robbery the jerks stole everything they could carry...laptop, playstation, cell phone, wallet, etc... so he has already lost so much.

In the past he's lost his stuff to pawn shops or just lost it because he was probably high somewhere and forgot it. He always seems to be misplacing or loosing stuff.
So now I am totally fighting the urge to NOT go get his stuff/piano. I know this is my enabling come out!!! YES, I've been re-reading the stickies!

He has been texting me off and on, and this afternoon he texted me talking about detoxing and going to rehab but in my heart I think it is only because he will be out of money soon and needs a roof over his head. We all know the pattern.
I know everyone has said that addicts are resourceful. I don't know sometimes I think he lacks total common sense!!! In terms of pulling yourself together when you have NO money, a felony (which he got in rehab for breaking into the house medicine cabinet, that's another story!!!) ... and no job history except for working a mere couple of hours at McDonald's....tons of unpaid medical bills...and no friends...just parasites. I just don't know how much of a hardass we parents are suppose to be.
In December he will get one last trust payout and my concern is that he may be just holding out trying to get a roof over his head until then. This has happened in the past. I keep hoping that he will grow a brain.

I would love to get his piano etc. and not even let him know. I'd just let him think that the stuff was history!
Okay so what are your thoughts???
I know these are consequences to his lifestyle, although them getting robbed was not of their own doing. HERE I GO AGAIN SOUNDING JUST LIKE AN ADDICT...huh???
Thanks everyone!
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:18 PM
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Ann
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So many times I paid my son's storage, retrieved his belongings...and it never ended well. In hindsight I would have just let him pay the consequence of losing anything he could sell for drugs.

I am guessing how this might play out for you and your son...tell me if I'm close...he had $1800 last week and could have arranged to get his piano. If he blew the money on drugs, what difference does it make if you get his things...he will find out, insist they are his, pawn them and away he goes again...more drug money.

One mama to another, let go of trying to fix anything including losing his things. If he wants to get clean, he knows where help is and he won't need a piano for that.

Do what brings your heart peace. Whatever you choose, I'm walking with you.

Hugs
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:36 PM
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They live in the hood

I can't help but wonder if these people were possibly people who have been in their place before.

I 100% agree with cynical
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Old 07-31-2012, 06:41 PM
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Let your son handle his own business. If he wants his stuff back he'll figure a way to get it.
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:04 PM
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I understand how you feel but I think Anvil said it perfectly.....you do seem more concerned about his situation than he does. I've been there done that.....

I recently had to say "NO" to getting my son's car out of impound. The car is gone. G-O-N-E.....he's homeless....he lived in it.....and it's gone. In his case, he lost his shelter and his "currency". I suspect he was able to use the car to do drug runs in exchange for drugs, food or a place to stay. I knew that as long as he had the car.....he had currency.

It was hard to just say no. It was one of his last possessions of any value....and anything else he had left was in it when it got impounded. He was literally left with the clothes on his back. That was about a month ago. Today? He has gotten in contact with his sober friends and has been attending 2-3 AA or NA meetings per day. I'm not making any predictions nor do I have any expectations but that seems like a step in the right direction.

It's damn hard to just let someone you love free fall. It's terrifying. But as I read your post I see clearly that you are trying to do things for him to make YOU feel better. I did that for years and wish I hadn't......my son is 31. Sometimes....the most loving thing we can do is to let them fail or lose it all. If we care more than they do, it simply doesn't work.

gentle hugs from another mom
ke
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Old 07-31-2012, 08:58 PM
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Hi Ann, Cynical one, crazybabie, kmangel and anvilhead,
I have had all of the same thoughts about whether he was robbed by people he knows. I will never know for sure. I do know that where they lived, it was NO surprise that they had been robbed, it was only a matter of time. In fact the week after they left someone was murdered on the grounds. The apartments have security at the gates and it takes an act of GOD to get in the wretched place, so I think it was most likely an inside job.
They did call the police and the police did come out to file a report. I'm sure the police roll their eyes each time they are called out to these apartments. You call to get a pizza delivered and they will tell you they do not deliver to that apartment complex because it is unsafe.

The management company of this Apartment Compound would not allow them to just walk away and break their lease. The management insisted that the lease said point blank they were not responsible. Of course I would disagree but again their choice to live in the hood.
I know, I know my son's stuff should be the least of my worries!
Anvilhead I understand what you are saying...
Many days I just think my son doesn't even have the sense to come out of the rain. The years of drinking and drugging I think it has hampered his decision making! He lacks COMMON SENSE, his judgement is so squed !!!

I really appreciate everyone's advice. Sometimes I just need a bit of encouragement and a push to keep on keeping on.
So tell me, am I getting miss information about addiction, especially certain drugs.
I'm trying hard to understand if rehabs have such a low percentage of people getting clean and "maintaining" soberiety what is one to do? I also hear that A/A doesn't have a very high percentage rate. I have also heard that many addicts just outgrow their addiction???? Don't get me wrong I am just trying to find out what is fact and what is fiction, there is so much on the internet. I just keep holding onto HOPE!
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:29 PM
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TreadingWater,

My girlfriend lived in an apartment complex and they had a string of break ins. They lived in a gated place with a security guard, or swipe card when he wasnt there, and each had their own door so I guess they were more like townhouses, but anyway; they found out it was an inside job. Someone associated with someone who lived there. And the management company was not responsible. I dont think that would be true unless they had defined security measures that failed and left the residents open to theft.

Im new here, but since your asking for opinions. I think it is ok for you to help your son remove his stuff. It sounds like its an issue of not having transportation. I think if you start playing head games thinking that if I do this it will have this effect and cause him to see the consequences, or if I do this maybe it will be better for him - that is gonna make you crazy, and its still trying to control him; if your motivation for not doing something is to get a certain outcome from him.
I think, simply decide if this is something that you want to do based on your own judgement and feelings. I mean if you are tired of doing for him ( and I cant tell from yoru post; maybe this is way too common with him), then its ok not to. But if its not a big deal effort wise, and it would make you feel good, then go ahead. If you look back in a month wil you have any regrets for your decision?
Thats my thought.
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:32 PM
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Hi Kindeyes,
You are so right! It is damned hard to let someone you love free fall! I know I need to just let go. My husband has managed to detach and of course that hasn't gone over very well with our son. I have continually allowed myself to get reeled in.

I look at what my son has put himself through these past 5 years and can not imagine living that lifestyle. Oh my GOSH!!! It is sad to see how much they will endure and how low they will sink for their drugs, time and time again!

Kindeyes I can only imagine how hopeful you are that your son stays on the path of recovery. Praise GOD!!
Understandably it's a major challenge but I also want to believe that they can get out of their rut and have a life without drugs and alcohol. My younger sister is an R.N., and has been clean for 12 plus years and hasn't looked back!
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Old 07-31-2012, 09:53 PM
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Hi JoeysGirl,
Yes, I have been playing lots of head games with myself. I feel like I am justifying why I should help him in this instance. Like the other posters have said it could be that my son owed these two robbers for drugs?? IDK??? I do know that there have been a rash of robberies throughout the entire apartment complexes, it is an on going thing, it just goes with the territory.
The night these gunmen forced their way into the apartment I was on the phone with my son. I heard a commotion and then the called dropped.
He called back about 15 minutes later on another prepaid phone and was hysterical.
I guess there is a part of me that wants to perserve what wasn't taken from him. Heck they stole his laptop, playstation, wallet, cell phone etc...
I don't want to see the management put his stuff out on the front lawn and have more taken from him.
As you can see by the posts I am emotionally all over the map on this one!
Then I tell myself ...in this world, this wicked world....**** Happens!
and I start to link it back to his choice to live in the hood, his choice to do drugs, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Such a rollercoaster ride !!!
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Old 08-01-2012, 04:58 AM
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I like the expression "Doing nothing is an action." It often takes more energy to do nothing than to react to the crisis of the day with our own plan to save it...when all we really needed to do was "nothing".

Maybe sit this one out, let life unfold as it should, and listen to the double winners here who have been there, done that and know that they got better when people like us let go and let God.

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Old 08-01-2012, 05:50 AM
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GOD this is an embarrassing thread.
(for me)
I won't even say why.
You all know why.

I will say how I feel.It's dreadfully difficult to let them freefall out of
the middle class into that "lord of the flies" world.Knowing that so many
who do so will never find their way back.Wanting to preserve their
belongings,their last shred of decency,their identity.

Their dignity.

NOT wanting a person who HAD a life,HAD a family,HAD a nice home,
HAD a future,to HAVE..........nothing.Nothing except a primordial
biochemical drive to numb the pain of losing everything with more of the
elixir that DESTROYED their life to begin with.

I know at some point in my life,I will be prescribed opiates... for god-knows
what....dental surgery? They will go down the toilet and I will pretend I am in
less pain than I am.It'll be aspirin/OTC NSAIDS------and the DIGNITY of pain.

Opiates took the dignity of the person I cared about.
I'll be damned if the lessons I learned from her (and her life)...are lost for naught.
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Old 08-01-2012, 05:57 AM
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Hi Treadingwater:
First- BIG Momma Hugg

My two sons are homeless as of yesterday and it only took me 10 yrs of head banging, pleading, bargaining, $$$$$$$, replacing lost stuff, buying cars to provide transportation for jobs that never happened and damn near lost my sanity. All my love couldn't stop their maddness, so I had to stop mine.

Your sons actions are parrallel with my sons. Unfortunately I have not read one story of any parent saving their adult child from self destruction. Its so simple but so hard. We must transfer all that energy into begiinning our own path of recovery- that is how we make lemonaide out of lemons.

Iwill keep your son & your family in my prayers today
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Old 08-01-2012, 06:27 AM
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This all sounds so familiar. I've been there many times, trying to save the last remnants of what is left of his life. Bottom line is.. It doesn't matter.

Whether you retrieve the items or not will most likely change absolutely nothing of the outcome. I have to be reminded frequently that if I'm doing something expecting a particular result, I'm still trying to control. Get it... Don't get it....he will probably wind up losing it one way or another if he isn't serious about recovery.

I understand your pain and I'm so sorry. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a manual telling us exactly what to do to get "our" desired results? But then, that would still be us trying to have things our way? Though we KNOW our way is right....
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Old 08-01-2012, 07:06 AM
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I agree with all the posters here. Only thing I could add is that when I am faced with a decision (of any kind) I ask myself "What can I live with?"

Do what you can live with. Retrieve (and sell the stuff yourself and keep the cash!), don't retrieve--do what you can live with and let it go.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am the mother of a young RAS and my heart goes out to you.

Wishing you a clear head and a calm heart. Blessings and peace.
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by treadingwater View Post
Our 23 yr old A/S is out of our house. Been to rehabs the same vicious cycle over and over again...done the suboxone and still continues to abuse, misuse his suboxone and who knows what else. He also has a drinking problem....
Long story short he and his roommate were robbed by 2 armed robbers at their apt. approx. 2 weeks ago, they live in the hood!! Neither wanted to stay there because of safety issues and I don't blame them. They broke the lease, but had to pay an outlandish penalty and proration!!!
So now my son has been staying at a weekly hotel...in the worst part of town, his roommate conveniently move in with his girlfriend.
Our son is not working and has a limited amount of money to live on. I had been holding on tightly to the little money he had and finally gave him all his $1,800. to him last week. Who know's how much he has left. He literally does not know how to manage money and I can bet he has been using it hmmm....drugs and alcohol.

Okay this is my delimma...He has no way of getting his valuables out of his apartment, his car is in our garage and has been for a year plus.
Heck his stuff may already be out on the front lawn of the apartment complex???
It is killing me to know that he has his approx. $900. keyboard/piano and other stuff in that apartment and he may AGAIN loose everything.
In the robbery the jerks stole everything they could carry...laptop, playstation, cell phone, wallet, etc... so he has already lost so much.

In the past he's lost his stuff to pawn shops or just lost it because he was probably high somewhere and forgot it. He always seems to be misplacing or loosing stuff....
He's got a lot of STUFF for someone who is 23 and has never had a job! But I guess he's got a trust of some sort that's been providing, eh?

I was recently faced with a similar dilemma and turned it over and over in my mind for a few days. I decided to 'rescue' the goods in question, but I'll be selling them and splitting the proceeds with my ex-husband (AS's dad) to cover just a fraction of the money we have lost/got conned out of with AS's lies and manipulations over these last couple of years. Being homeless, he didn't have the means to take care of or properly store the 'stuff' and I wasn't willing to store it. He had abandoned the goods and the house manager was kind enough to hold it until we decided what we wanted to do.

This is the life and consequences my son has chosen -- over and over again. It makes me incredibly sad...but it's his life. My son has also used detox and recovery as a means to get a roof over his head...5x this year alone. I think his intentions are good going in...but he doesn't want it bad enough to stay there and remain sober for life. I'm just done.

Bottom line (for me) is this: if the stuff is important to him, he will figure out a way to save it. If he has money for drugs and all that other stuff, he has money for storage. No way I'd put myself in danger to retrieve it either.
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:21 AM
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Originally Posted by treadingwater View Post
Hi Ann, Cynical one, crazybabie, kmangel and anvilhead,
I have had all of the same thoughts about whether he was robbed by people he knows. I will never know for sure. I do know that where they lived, it was NO surprise that they had been robbed, it was only a matter of time. In fact the week after they left someone was murdered on the grounds. The apartments have security at the gates and it takes an act of GOD to get in the wretched place, so I think it was most likely an inside job.
They did call the police and the police did come out to file a report. I'm sure the police roll their eyes each time they are called out to these apartments. You call to get a pizza delivered and they will tell you they do not deliver to that apartment complex because it is unsafe.

The management company of this Apartment Compound would not allow them to just walk away and break their lease. The management insisted that the lease said point blank they were not responsible. Of course I would disagree but again their choice to live in the hood.
I know, I know my son's stuff should be the least of my worries!
Anvilhead I understand what you are saying...
Many days I just think my son doesn't even have the sense to come out of the rain. The years of drinking and drugging I think it has hampered his decision making! He lacks COMMON SENSE, his judgement is so squed !!!

I really appreciate everyone's advice. Sometimes I just need a bit of encouragement and a push to keep on keeping on.
So tell me, am I getting miss information about addiction, especially certain drugs.
I'm trying hard to understand if rehabs have such a low percentage of people getting clean and "maintaining" soberiety what is one to do? I also hear that A/A doesn't have a very high percentage rate. I have also heard that many addicts just outgrow their addiction???? Don't get me wrong I am just trying to find out what is fact and what is fiction, there is so much on the internet. I just keep holding onto HOPE!
As long as a person is still breathing we can have HOPE... in response to the success rate of recovery I can't recall the statistics but they are low I have seen them posted here before.

What is one to do you ask in your case maybe go to Al-anon, Nar-anon, or Families Anonymous because you can only help YOU.
Have you by chance read Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie yet?

I can't say your son will change from any of these things but I can say I feel it would be very beneficial for YOU.
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:50 AM
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This is so similar to my situation. I have heard so many stories. I don't believe anything anymore. I helped for so many years but it has gotten me and my AS nowhere and things are worse now than ever. It doesn't help to help. It took me 17 years to realize this. My heart is broken but I have finally detached. The hardest thing I have ever done and it hurts everyday. Coming here has helped me enormously. My prayers are with you.
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Old 08-01-2012, 08:55 AM
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Yes I know you all are right!! Time is ticking and yes if he really wanted to save his stuff he would go out of his way to call the management and beg them to hold it one more day or what ever they would work out with him.
His thinking is so squed... He will tell me that "I" don't get it! He can't get clean unless he can detox....yadda, yadda,yadda! He says he'll be sick for at least a week and it will be worse than ever. Well, maybe that would be good that he feels the full consequences of withdrawl idk.
In the past, other than rehab he has gone to the emergency room for detox, oding, pancreatisis etc....probably even to get high???
So for him to say I don't get it...I'm like REALLY???
NO he doesn't get it. What's sad is I really believe he doesn't get it. It seems everything he should be doing on his own hinges on someone else doing something first!
He's always the victim, and that is why I worry about him. I know he's use to having someone rescue him and now he, so it seems, can not even rescue himself.
I am praying to GOD that this is not true!

tjp613 yes my son does have a trust which is quickly running out.
He has one more payout in December for 25K. This money has truly been a double edged sword!!! I look at all the opportunity he had to use that money for good and he has pissed it away!
This last payout he received he literally had to go through a finance company and to a judge for approval, since the payout wasn't to come do for a few years. He sold the trust to a finance company for pennies on the dollar. That was this past January. That is how I ended up with the money in my account. I know I should have never gotten involved, at the time he wanted me to keep the money, pay his roommate rent each month etc... the downside is we can see where it got me. Mom the enabler!!!
The year before he had rec'd 25K and he paid me back some of what he owed me and literally drugged the rest of the money away in a matter of a couple of months.

I wish like heck he wasn't getting that money in December. I feel like right now he is just buying his time until then. Like you were saying about your son's using rehab as a way of getting a roof over their heads. Our son has done this too and I'm not willing to participate in that.
I have told him many times when his money is gone, he will not be getting ours. Not again!!!

Okay it is almost noon and I am sitting tight!! I will take all your worthy, much appreciated advice! I am reminded by all of you that this is what they do! I should know better by now, this has been going on for years and the results speak for themselves. Thank you all for reinforcing my backbone!!!

I like what Ann said .."Doing nothing is an ACTION!"
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