Son recommended for inpatient
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
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Son recommended for inpatient
As many of you know, I met with my 21-year-old son's clinician yesterday (son is IV heroin/opiate addict). My son was not present at program yesterday because...well, here's the story.
I drove son to probation, which is located near to where his father lives (the "playground" area). The appointment was timed so that he could meet with PO and then we would travel back to the IOP for the family session. After son came out of probation, as we were heading through the town where father lives and friends are, he said he wanted to visit with some friends. I said I wasn't dropping him off to any friends, that I would have no part whatsoever in anything other than recovery. Then he asked if I would pull over to the side of the road so he could get out, and I said no, that wasn't convenient for me and traffic made it imprudent. (All conversation on both sides was calm, no anger, hostility or aggression, just matter of fact.) He then asked if I would at least slow down, and asked me if he was going to have to "tuck and roll" to get out of the van. I said I had no control over his choices; the only ones I can control are my own. I think my son was stunned. Here was someone saying no to something without screaming, without anger, without telling him he should just kill himself and put everyone out of their misery, etc. etc.
We then came to a red light, so I naturally came to a stop. He asked me if I was going to program, and I said yes. He knew it was then or never to get out of the van, so he opened the door, the light changed to green, traffic began slowly to move, and so did I. I don't think I've ever seen my son more surprised, or move more quickly, than he did then. He hopped out, kind of in shock, closed the door and off I went.
I went to program--he didn't show up, though he had assured me that one of his "friends" was going to get him there. At the break, I spoke with the clinician who told me that he had already made all the necessary recommendations/paperwork for my son to be admitted to their long-term inpatient program, and had told my son that last Thursday when son spoke to him about the horrendous happenings in his father's house. Clinician told me that he knew my son needed inpatient from the start, but the insurance company wants to wait until they "fail" at outpatient before they'll approve a higher level of treatment. Also, the fact that his father was telling son that he hoped he would just overdose and die and that would solve everyone's problems, and suggested that son shoot him up too and they could die together, carries weight in determining where the client will be safe. (There was also discussion of legal involvement because of suicide/death threats but too involved to go into.)
All son has to do is call the main number, say who he is and he wants to be admitted to the inpatient program and it's all in place.
Son was at my sister's house when I got home from program. He knew before we even spoke what the clinician had told me, and what the options were. He knows that it's inpatient or the streets (as long as psycho father doesn't take him back in--a wild card there, but must release to HP). He had made another mention of killing himself earlier in the day to his father, who relayed that to my sister, so my sister (nurse) called one of the psyche nurses she knows, and another nurse with both personal and professional experience with addicted family members, to help determine right course of action (psych ER?, etc.). Son was in bad way, as in palpably miserable, kind of panicking at the looming reality of inpatient, realizing that it was that or the streets, but as my sister noted, people who have planned suicide are usually "happier" than my son, there's a sense of relief about them. I also said to my sister that even though the instinct is to relieve or ameliorate some of this misery, two things addicts will respond to are pain and consequences. We left him to his misery on the deck and had some tea.
Not too much later, he went upstairs to his room, we heard the usual getting ready for bed sounds, and after a bit I went upstairs. He was lying in bed and I just sat by him for a while not saying much of anything. Eventually my sister came up to check his vitals. He was fine, so we all called it a night.
I don't think for a minute that this is a "done deal." My son has to make the decision and the call. And even in rehab, he has to make the daily, if not hourly, decision to stay there and work. But I am grateful beyond words for this program and this clinician, a strong, intelligent, articulate man. I've had experience/contact with some programs and professionals that--well, let's just say, programs and professionals differ.
So that's where we are. Don't know what will happen today, but the options have been made clear. I wanted to post an update while I could. I know you have been praying/sending healing thoughts our way (you can feel those things, you know, at least I can, thank God), and I have been praying for you and your loved ones.
I would not be where I am today if it were not for the recovery communities that support and nourish me. I feel almost like an "evangelist" for the groups, but I can't see any other way to deal with addiction. Thank God for all of you here on SR, and the groups I attend. I am not alone, and that has made all the difference.
Blessings to everyone, and peace.
I drove son to probation, which is located near to where his father lives (the "playground" area). The appointment was timed so that he could meet with PO and then we would travel back to the IOP for the family session. After son came out of probation, as we were heading through the town where father lives and friends are, he said he wanted to visit with some friends. I said I wasn't dropping him off to any friends, that I would have no part whatsoever in anything other than recovery. Then he asked if I would pull over to the side of the road so he could get out, and I said no, that wasn't convenient for me and traffic made it imprudent. (All conversation on both sides was calm, no anger, hostility or aggression, just matter of fact.) He then asked if I would at least slow down, and asked me if he was going to have to "tuck and roll" to get out of the van. I said I had no control over his choices; the only ones I can control are my own. I think my son was stunned. Here was someone saying no to something without screaming, without anger, without telling him he should just kill himself and put everyone out of their misery, etc. etc.
We then came to a red light, so I naturally came to a stop. He asked me if I was going to program, and I said yes. He knew it was then or never to get out of the van, so he opened the door, the light changed to green, traffic began slowly to move, and so did I. I don't think I've ever seen my son more surprised, or move more quickly, than he did then. He hopped out, kind of in shock, closed the door and off I went.
I went to program--he didn't show up, though he had assured me that one of his "friends" was going to get him there. At the break, I spoke with the clinician who told me that he had already made all the necessary recommendations/paperwork for my son to be admitted to their long-term inpatient program, and had told my son that last Thursday when son spoke to him about the horrendous happenings in his father's house. Clinician told me that he knew my son needed inpatient from the start, but the insurance company wants to wait until they "fail" at outpatient before they'll approve a higher level of treatment. Also, the fact that his father was telling son that he hoped he would just overdose and die and that would solve everyone's problems, and suggested that son shoot him up too and they could die together, carries weight in determining where the client will be safe. (There was also discussion of legal involvement because of suicide/death threats but too involved to go into.)
All son has to do is call the main number, say who he is and he wants to be admitted to the inpatient program and it's all in place.
Son was at my sister's house when I got home from program. He knew before we even spoke what the clinician had told me, and what the options were. He knows that it's inpatient or the streets (as long as psycho father doesn't take him back in--a wild card there, but must release to HP). He had made another mention of killing himself earlier in the day to his father, who relayed that to my sister, so my sister (nurse) called one of the psyche nurses she knows, and another nurse with both personal and professional experience with addicted family members, to help determine right course of action (psych ER?, etc.). Son was in bad way, as in palpably miserable, kind of panicking at the looming reality of inpatient, realizing that it was that or the streets, but as my sister noted, people who have planned suicide are usually "happier" than my son, there's a sense of relief about them. I also said to my sister that even though the instinct is to relieve or ameliorate some of this misery, two things addicts will respond to are pain and consequences. We left him to his misery on the deck and had some tea.
Not too much later, he went upstairs to his room, we heard the usual getting ready for bed sounds, and after a bit I went upstairs. He was lying in bed and I just sat by him for a while not saying much of anything. Eventually my sister came up to check his vitals. He was fine, so we all called it a night.
I don't think for a minute that this is a "done deal." My son has to make the decision and the call. And even in rehab, he has to make the daily, if not hourly, decision to stay there and work. But I am grateful beyond words for this program and this clinician, a strong, intelligent, articulate man. I've had experience/contact with some programs and professionals that--well, let's just say, programs and professionals differ.
So that's where we are. Don't know what will happen today, but the options have been made clear. I wanted to post an update while I could. I know you have been praying/sending healing thoughts our way (you can feel those things, you know, at least I can, thank God), and I have been praying for you and your loved ones.
I would not be where I am today if it were not for the recovery communities that support and nourish me. I feel almost like an "evangelist" for the groups, but I can't see any other way to deal with addiction. Thank God for all of you here on SR, and the groups I attend. I am not alone, and that has made all the difference.
Blessings to everyone, and peace.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Wow, PM. What a ride you've been on!
Your son is so lucky to have that option... I wish these addicts could see it the same way we do. No doubt he is in a panic about the rock and a hard place choice he has now. And you're right...even if he chooses rehab, he may not stay. Mine didn't.
But there IS hope today...and every day they are alive. Your calm demeanor and strong boundaries have kept that hope alive too. You are an inspiration to us moms, that's for sure. Are you doing ok on the inside as well? Eating ok? Sleeping ok?
Give your sister a big "thank you" from us, too.....and tell her we appreciate her taking care of our PrayingMama during this very difficult time. What a blessing she is!
XOXO
Your son is so lucky to have that option... I wish these addicts could see it the same way we do. No doubt he is in a panic about the rock and a hard place choice he has now. And you're right...even if he chooses rehab, he may not stay. Mine didn't.
But there IS hope today...and every day they are alive. Your calm demeanor and strong boundaries have kept that hope alive too. You are an inspiration to us moms, that's for sure. Are you doing ok on the inside as well? Eating ok? Sleeping ok?
Give your sister a big "thank you" from us, too.....and tell her we appreciate her taking care of our PrayingMama during this very difficult time. What a blessing she is!
XOXO
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Yes, I'm okay on the inside (sister is a good cook, and she's trained in therapeutic touch, so gave me brief hand massage with lavender lotion last night, and does same for her nephew when he accepts it). And the sofa I'm sleeping on is known in the family as "the sleeping couch," since it seems to have magical narcoleptic powers. (No, don't think it will cure son's insomnia, but it sure helps mine...
My husband and younger sons back home are doing well (11-year-old just got braces yesterday, 14-year-old busy talking with girlfriend on phone and procrastinating on school projects--biz as usual, thank God).
And I plucked a book from my sister's bookshelf by Sue Bender called "Everyday Sacred: A Woman's Journey Home" and it is as perfectly timed as it could be. So I am blessed beyond what I deserve.
Peace and strength everyone. I hope everyone is okay.
My husband and younger sons back home are doing well (11-year-old just got braces yesterday, 14-year-old busy talking with girlfriend on phone and procrastinating on school projects--biz as usual, thank God).
And I plucked a book from my sister's bookshelf by Sue Bender called "Everyday Sacred: A Woman's Journey Home" and it is as perfectly timed as it could be. So I am blessed beyond what I deserve.
Peace and strength everyone. I hope everyone is okay.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Appleton, WI
Posts: 74
Prayingmama you are an inspiraton to all of us! I'm in awe of how you could remain so calm and even through all of that. Your son is very fortunate to have you. We were just discussing in a meeting last night that the only way the addict gets better is when those surrounding them get better first and handle things in a firm, get calm loving manner.
You and your family will be in my prayers.
((Hugs))
You and your family will be in my prayers.
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Praying all continues to go well for both of you. It is so good to have family support along with SR support, isn't it?!
The threats that addicts make are all so similar. My son has threatened to jump out the car while I was driving so many times if I didn't stop or turn around. I never stopped, and he never jumpted.
Keep it up, PrayingMama. Sounding good!
The threats that addicts make are all so similar. My son has threatened to jump out the car while I was driving so many times if I didn't stop or turn around. I never stopped, and he never jumpted.
Keep it up, PrayingMama. Sounding good!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so glad you are with a sister and that you are taking care of yourself. I just lived through this kind of thing twice, once while waiting for a spot at inpatient, and then just this week, as you know, wondering if she'd really go to a sober house & not knowing where she was sleeping...you have my prayers and encouragement and my shiny new faith in realizing you have done ALL you can and now you have to step aside. It's shiny & new because I really only just learned that lesson this past week. Still has the new shoe smell, too!
My heart breaks reading about his father's abusive comments. Poor boy. He has you, though, and you seem like a ready antidote in the love you show him & your committed support for his recovery.
It is not easy to do what you are doing, but you are strong and capable. The car ride & comments were brilliant.
We are here for you. Keep reading and keep posting.
My heart breaks reading about his father's abusive comments. Poor boy. He has you, though, and you seem like a ready antidote in the love you show him & your committed support for his recovery.
It is not easy to do what you are doing, but you are strong and capable. The car ride & comments were brilliant.
We are here for you. Keep reading and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Praying Mama, thank you for the continued prayers. I am also in our "huddle" of prayers for all of our blessed children. I realized today that "accepting" is the letting go. "accepting" allows us to stop the worrying about the outcome. We have "accepted" those things we cannot change.
Hugs and blessings for your precious son and your family
Teresa
Hugs and blessings for your precious son and your family
Teresa
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 349
Praying Mama, you and your son continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Bless you for the strength and courage you showed through a very difficult situation. I know how hard this must have been but you prevailed. As someone else mentioned, your son is very lucky to have you and hopefully he will focus on your love rather than all the things his father said to him. Stay strong Ellen and please continue to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
PrayingMomma:
Your strength & calm courage shines through like a becan of light for me right now.
I truly believe if all of us are praying for"our" lost sheep, how can we lose? I'm beginning to realize that my HP (God) has thrown us Moms together so we can comfort one another. Our sufferings are not in vain-we just may be laying the foundations for others.
You & your family, as well as all others will be on my prayer list tonight.
Huggs
Hope
Your strength & calm courage shines through like a becan of light for me right now.
I truly believe if all of us are praying for"our" lost sheep, how can we lose? I'm beginning to realize that my HP (God) has thrown us Moms together so we can comfort one another. Our sufferings are not in vain-we just may be laying the foundations for others.
You & your family, as well as all others will be on my prayer list tonight.
Huggs
Hope
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Holding you and your son here with the hope that he makes a wise choice for himself. You have already made many wise and health choices for You......thank you for sharing all of this is strengthens in me what I have learned.
(((Hugs))) and safe travels home!
(((Hugs))) and safe travels home!
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by PrayingMama 
I said I wasn't dropping him off to any friends, that I would have no part whatsoever in anything other than recovery. Then he asked if I would pull over to the side of the road so he could get out, and I said no, that wasn't convenient for me and traffic made it imprudent. (All conversation on both sides was calm, no anger, hostility or aggression, just matter of fact.) He then asked if I would at least slow down, and asked me if he was going to have to "tuck and roll" to get out of the van. I said I had no control over his choices; the only ones I can control are my own. I think my son was stunned. Here was someone saying no to something without screaming, without anger, without telling him he should just kill himself and put everyone out of their misery, etc. etc.
.
.
I imagine you might be very exhausted, and it's good to hear you have a special sister, who is there for you.
I am sending prayers your way for continued strength and peace for you and prayers for your son to choose treatment and begin to heal.
Thank you for sharing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Dear SR Family,
Just posting when I can, and again, expressing my deepest gratitude for your loving, steady support. I gave regards to my darling sister, and as far as all your prayers/positive thoughts, etc., she says, "Right back at ya!"
We are in a "holding pattern" and I think it will not "break" until tomorrow when we have a formally scheduled meeting with my son's clinician. RAS is waging war within himself, half hoping against hope that somehow, some way, he can make outpatient work. He attended his three-hour group last night (his clinician was not there), and he thinks he can make it work now and says he is willing to return to his father's to do that. This is so desperate and outrageous that my sister, her husband and I kept really quiet and calm when he was expressing these thoughts. We made it lovingly clear that he was free to make his own decisions, that part of being an adult is having to make hard choices. We did not mention that, at this point, his father will not let him back in the house (praise God!!!!!) so it isn't even a possibility.
What he doesn't realize I don't think is that his clinician is not going to cooperate with this, that he has "failed" the outpatient program and it isn't an option. I could be wrong about this, but I'm going on what the clinician shared with me the other night during our brief but enlightening informal meeting. I think my son is hoping that he can still continue in the IOP, but that's for his clinician to explain to him.
I just listened. He is starved for someone to just listen (father is a compulsive talker--I mean he needs meds for it, no joke). So he spoke of his confusion, his fear, his role and responsibility in the sick psycho-drama of the relationship with his father, his tentative hopes and dreams. He said, "I want your approval, Mom." I gently explained that part of being an adult is not needing the approval of another. He was essentially asking for my "blessing" on his desire to continue outpatient, and of course that is impossible. But I told him that as far as approval goes, I approve of him, as a person, as my son, as a human being. And that stands no matter what my opinion is of the choices he makes as an adult.
I told him that the freedom he has to make decisions is a gift. I will love him no matter what, and his aunt and uncle told him that, as well. An unhealthy or unwise choice will grieve us, and we will be clear and honest about that, but we will not "freak out" or engage in any drama around it. We will give him, and ourselves, plenty of breathing space. And we will always, always love him.
Then my sister drove us all on a late-night run to McDonald's and we enjoyed a midnight meal together. Sometimes a little fast food just hits the spot.
That is what is going on for now. As I said, tomorrow is the formal meeting with the clinician. We are praying for my son as he walks this difficult path, and we are trusting that the outcome is in the keeping of Providence.
I am now reading Jack Kornfield's "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry," and I am meditating on this thought from that book: When we have faced death and aloneness, we are unafraid to live, and life flowers under our feet. Everywhere we go becomes holy ground.
I pray that life flowers under your feet today, SR friends, and that everywhere you go becomes holy ground.
Blessings and peace to you and your loved ones.
Ellen
Just posting when I can, and again, expressing my deepest gratitude for your loving, steady support. I gave regards to my darling sister, and as far as all your prayers/positive thoughts, etc., she says, "Right back at ya!"
We are in a "holding pattern" and I think it will not "break" until tomorrow when we have a formally scheduled meeting with my son's clinician. RAS is waging war within himself, half hoping against hope that somehow, some way, he can make outpatient work. He attended his three-hour group last night (his clinician was not there), and he thinks he can make it work now and says he is willing to return to his father's to do that. This is so desperate and outrageous that my sister, her husband and I kept really quiet and calm when he was expressing these thoughts. We made it lovingly clear that he was free to make his own decisions, that part of being an adult is having to make hard choices. We did not mention that, at this point, his father will not let him back in the house (praise God!!!!!) so it isn't even a possibility.
What he doesn't realize I don't think is that his clinician is not going to cooperate with this, that he has "failed" the outpatient program and it isn't an option. I could be wrong about this, but I'm going on what the clinician shared with me the other night during our brief but enlightening informal meeting. I think my son is hoping that he can still continue in the IOP, but that's for his clinician to explain to him.
I just listened. He is starved for someone to just listen (father is a compulsive talker--I mean he needs meds for it, no joke). So he spoke of his confusion, his fear, his role and responsibility in the sick psycho-drama of the relationship with his father, his tentative hopes and dreams. He said, "I want your approval, Mom." I gently explained that part of being an adult is not needing the approval of another. He was essentially asking for my "blessing" on his desire to continue outpatient, and of course that is impossible. But I told him that as far as approval goes, I approve of him, as a person, as my son, as a human being. And that stands no matter what my opinion is of the choices he makes as an adult.
I told him that the freedom he has to make decisions is a gift. I will love him no matter what, and his aunt and uncle told him that, as well. An unhealthy or unwise choice will grieve us, and we will be clear and honest about that, but we will not "freak out" or engage in any drama around it. We will give him, and ourselves, plenty of breathing space. And we will always, always love him.
Then my sister drove us all on a late-night run to McDonald's and we enjoyed a midnight meal together. Sometimes a little fast food just hits the spot.
That is what is going on for now. As I said, tomorrow is the formal meeting with the clinician. We are praying for my son as he walks this difficult path, and we are trusting that the outcome is in the keeping of Providence.
I am now reading Jack Kornfield's "After the Ecstasy, the Laundry," and I am meditating on this thought from that book: When we have faced death and aloneness, we are unafraid to live, and life flowers under our feet. Everywhere we go becomes holy ground.
I pray that life flowers under your feet today, SR friends, and that everywhere you go becomes holy ground.
Blessings and peace to you and your loved ones.
Ellen
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