JoeysGirl

Im really confused and I don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend overdosed a few days ago and right now he is in the hospital. They say he is going to be alright, and I have been able to see him. He is not doing so good emotionally. Being there with him makes me anxious because I get scared, but Im also scared to stay away from him. I think he is going to be released in a couple of days but his parents are trying to keep him there until he gets into some type of treatment and they are saying he is suicidal.

His parents are blaming me for his overdose because we had an argument a couple days before this happened, and I broke up with him. But I didn’t mean the things I said, and I didn’t really want to break up with him. I just wanted him to stop using and I thought if I threatened him with leaving then he would stop. He told his parents after he woke up that that is why he was upset and that is why he went on a binge; he didn’t care if he lived or died because he was hurting so bad. He did not blame me;he has told me not to feel guilty that it was not my fault I want to make that clear, It is his parents that are trying to make me feel guilty and are trying to use that to make me influence him.

I feel so much guilt. How can I not - we broke up and he almost died days later. Its not a coinceidnce. Its not manipulation because he did almost die. I love him so much and I told him in the hospital that I was in love with him, and that I didn’t want to break up with him. It was just that I was scared of his using drugs because I had been afraid something would happen to him; and now it has. Everything I told him is true. I promised him that I am here for him now, and that Im not going anywhere. That is the decision Ive made.

He is so scared because his parents and the doctors are bombarding him with how he needs to get help. His parents want him to go to rehab and they are willing to pay for it. He doesn’t want to be locked away in a rehab; the thought of it is horrible to both of us, but if it would help him stop using, and help him recovery emotionally, then I can handle it, and I will support it of course. But, the doctor in the hospital has given him more options like outpatient treatment thru the hospital program, but his parents especially his dad are holding firm he has to agree to go to rehab. He doesn’t even want to talk to them anymore. So now his mom got ahold of me at the hospital and told me that I needed to tell him to go or that we were finished. I needed to tell him that if he goes I will be here waiting for him. I feel like she is putting all this pressure to convince him on me, and I don’t even know if it is the right thing for him. I don’t think he was really suicidal but I don’t know; I think he just took too much because he was high already.

His parents I know are scared, and they are willing to do anything to get him professional help. His mom has been attending NA meetings for family and it has helped her I think to be so strong, but she is really making the rules. She says if he is not willing to enter rehab, then we all need to let him go, and leave him alone to fall, and then when he hits bottom, he will be willing to ask for help and work really hard to get better. Its her choice to do what she feels is best, but I have to decide for myself what is best for me. And part of that is also I need to know what is best for him.

We live together, and so she is saying I have to kick him out if he wont go to rehab. She knows he doesn’t even have a job right now and would have no place to go except for friends who would not be a good influence on him. So Im not going to kick him out. And I don’t want to either because I love him, and want him with me.

I went to my parent after he overdosed because I was so upset. They are now forbidding me to see him; they didn’t even know he used drugs, and when they found out I was aware of it; they are really upset I would be with him. Disappointed is what they keep saying, and that he is screwed up and they are sad for him, but they don’t want me drawn in because my life will be ruined. They say they wont pay my tuition this semester if I go back to him, and they don’t want to hear me complain and expect them to fix things for me after I wake up and realize Im in the gutter with him. They don’t know that we have been living together full time although I know they realize he stays with me part of the time.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know what treatment is best, and I don’t think I have the right to try to force him into a particular one, because he has to feel that he is doing what is best for him. To be honest, I don’t even know if he wants to stop even though he is telling me he does. He is really scared right now, but I don’t know what to believe. He lies, and he says things to pacify me , and never intends to follow through. Like with how he was looking for work, not. How he c How he quit, not. Doesn’t have any hidden, not. Lying I think about drugs has become like breathing to him because they are such a part of him.

Can you tell me what rehab does, why it takes so long, what outpatient does, what being a member of NA does, what therapist do. What has worked for your family member? And is his mom right in trying to force me to force him?

If you read all that Thank You - sorry it was so long

JoeysGirl

I posted in another place earlier and they suggested I post here too in the Family section, so I am just copying my original post.
The thing is I dont want to just be told to leave him because hes an addict. Like I said, Ive decided to stay and support whatever choice he makes.

washbe2

Bless you, sweetie. Sounds like too much pressure and blame are being put on you. It's definitely not your fault. I believe you did the right thing in breaking off with him. His mom and he both are trying to guilt you into making a decision that isn't best for you.

One thing his mom is right about. He must go for inpatient treatment. It takes so long because addiction is such a serious issue, and there are no guarantees that even after rehab, things will just be fine . Outpatient treatment is less restrictive and not as much time or money involved .

As a parent, I understand your parents wanting you to break off with him . My son is an addict, and as much as I love him, I would not wish anyone's life to be messed up by his addiction. It is a heartless and ruthless disease.

Let me just recommend that you read many of the posts here and especially the stickies at the top od the page. If you know more about what is involved with addiction and recovery, it may help you make better educated decisions about the future.

But whatever happens, it is NOT your fault. Many of us have done almost any possible thing to try to save our loved ones - almost always without success.

I pray your friend does recover and overcomes this monster of addiction. I care about both of you, but you cannot fix him. Be safe.

kmangel

I don't think your boyfriend's mother should ask you to get involved. Stay out of it. Let your boyfriend decide what he wants to do.

For yourself you can find a group to attend like Al-Anon. They will help you. Living with an addict is very difficult and gets worse as the disease progresses. You have already had a taste of how bad it can be. If he chooses to decline help and you chose to stay with him, then you are facing a difficult life ahead of you. Even if he goes to rehab and makes every effort to recover, it will not be easy on you. Prepare yourself for what lies ahead.

FindingErica

Sorry you are going through this. His parents are wrong to blame you. If his mother is in fact attending Nar Anon, then she knows better. None of this is your fault, breaking up with him did not make him OD. He OD'd because he made a choice to use too much drugs, and yes, just because he was almost successful it was indeed manipulation. In fact it appears him and his entire family are manipulating you.

crazybabie

Please remember you did not cause it you can not cure it and you can not control it.

Just my own opinion here but it doesn't sound like your bf is ready to stop sure rehab is scary but he just had an overdose that could have killed him and if you or him are thinking that is enough to make him stop hon think again.

My daughters fiancee had 3 overdoses the 3rd one he died at the young age of 21

My middle addicted son had 1 overdose and he continues using. He was at his sisters fiancees funeral saw first hand what can happen.

My husband cried his heart out when our son was in the hospital on a breathing tube once son got home husband talked to him about how bad pills etc.. are now he is an addict.

Your not to blame for any of this he made a choice his parents are wrong in blaming you. Please for you sake read around as suggested and keep posting.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

JoeysGirl

Good point about the user name I guess, but I was thinking mostly about being here to ask questions about him, not really making it about me.

Im 25 and in grad school. I have one year left (two semesters). My boyfriend is 28 and he has already graduated. Right now Im living in a house that is owned by my grandmother. She doesnt live there; its a house she used to use as a rental. But I dont pay rent because she doesnt want any. I do pay the utilities and everything though. I have my own car, its in my name. My parents pay the insurance because its on a group policy. Ive offered to pay for it, but they always have said no. I mean I can pay it .
I do work. Ive been working full time all summer and then when i go back to school I will work part time and have some interships that go with it.
I dont have a firm plan for 5 or 10 years. I plan to work. I hope to get married within 10 years, but not necessarily 5 but maybe if it felt right. I want kids and all that but not right away.
Ive known my boyfriend abotu 5 years but we were not together that whole time. He isnt my first boyfriend but no Ive never dated anyone who used drugs or had a problem with alcohol. No there is none of that in my family either that I know of.

My boyfriend didnt have it in his family history. He started using because he was in an accident and he needed them for a long time. He had to have surgery and physical therapy and it was a long process. Its only been the last Id say 6 months he has really got hooked on them. And I dont know why, its just not like him. Its really weird.

I havent read the top of the page but I will. Just came here earlier today and I posted on the New comers part and they suggested I post here too.

kmangel

Some people seem to fall into addiction easier than others. Some people wind up alcoholics, others don't. Some become addicts, some don't. I have had pain meds after surgery, but after a couple days I was able to tolerate the discomfort with either Tylenol or nothing at all. However, my son took pain meds and immediately liked the buzz he got from them. I liked how pain meds lessened my pain, but I don't recall any buzz. My son abused opiates for a while and then decided to stop. He was clean for a year and then got an infection that put him in the hospital where he was given pain meds again. Right back to square one he went--addicted. When he left the hospital he was hooked and using again. Eventually he progressed to heroin.

The point I am making is your boyfriend could have had no intention of ever abusing drugs but was powerless against the draw the pain pills had over him that someone like me never had. For my son it didn't take a long history of drug abuse to make him an addict and he certainly was not raised around addiction--it just happened. To become and stay clean will always be a struggle for him. Should my son ever need pain meds again in the future, addiction is only a pill away.

FindingErica

We are here to support you, you are the one posting and asking for help. It is easy to lose oneself when dealing with an active addict, to forget that we are important too.

incitingsilence

His od had nothing to do with you, nothing at all. It is important to understand that addicts use drugs, they find any reason in the world too, and while some might even be valid in their heads anyway unless you were force feeding him the drugs how in the world can this be your fault. This is way more complicated than you could understand.

His parents, I would stay away from them before I would him. How dare they, and yet they are sick as well. Addiction isn't called a family disease without good reason. Make sure you understand there can be a twisted dynamics between the parents of the addict and the partner. And in many cases they put the partner into a role to watch, protect, be the eyes and ears and then expect information and when something bad happens guess who is the first that gets the blame...really who is responsible for him od-ing...he is, no one but him.

If he doesn't want treatment then he doesn't. Do not make it more complicated than it is. It means nothing, neither choice in this moment is any better than the other because to me he is being forced to treatment and not being allowed to find for himself that he is done. Also sadly an od will not mean much of anything in terms of getting him to see just how bad it has become for him. Yeah I know, but treatment would keep him safe ... if it only worked like that.

Now the real important stuff. You can be part of the problem or solution. That will be up to you. Again don't complicate it all if you don't want to leave then don't. But don't make that decision based on some fear. Trust me when I say that those who use know exactly what the risk is and the risk is acceptable, everything and anything becomes acceptable for that high. There is a real stark truth in that reality.

Do not take his using personal.
Do not take on guilt or blame. Do not stay because you think he can not get well without you or because you think you bring some stability to his life. Do not stay because you think then he won't od again. Sadly more than a few wife's and gf's were the ones who found their partners dead. Using drugs is not conducive to a good life and death is a real possibility. Accept the reality of this disease.

You MUST get help yourself. There is no way in this world that you can hang around and be any sort of healthy or have any kind of life if you don't....And you can't help him. It is an inside job for both of you. Helping from the watching side usually has an opposite effect and keeps them chained to their addiction.

Also note they are not more manipulative than, we buy the lies, the lines, the crazy stories. If you stay frankly then you made the choice, if you go down with him, that will be on you as well, not him. Addicts are not the blame nor the source of our pain, anger, insanity, we are...

See his as capable, if anything is most important it is this and give him the dignity to make choices about his life no matter what you feel about them. In that also understand that you are and you should make the best decisions in terms of your life.

Do not take the learning away. Don't not offer suggestions, let him play this out, let him think it out even if the thinking seems irrational and sick to you. He has to find his way. He has to run his addiction out for his best chance.

Learn what enabling is and avoid it like the plague. Do not make excuses for his behavior, fix his mistakes, cover them up, contribute to his using by taking on responsibilities that he is capable of taking on.
Learn what being codependent is and avoid that as well. Ahh codependency not only do you get to interfere and screw up the lives of those around you, you take yourself right down as well.
Understand you have no control.
Understand that your life, happiness and well being is just as important as his. Just because he is an addict doesn't mean he takes priority over that. Just because he is an addict doesn't mean he is helpless or incapable of taking care of himself.

You are young, you have so much going for you. Make that a valid point in every decision you make for yourself and your life...You are first, always should be first. And this isn't selfish, self preservation is important, is sane and rational.

AlwaysGrowing

His mission accomplished! Just taught him he can control you like a puppet!

Pock89

I'm the girlfriend of a recovering heroin addict. We lived together. When I met him, he had been clean for 2 years, and then relapsed around Thanksgiving of last year. I brought him to a 5 day detox in January. He came out of detox and relapsed within a week. I brought him to his second detox at the end of February (also another 5 days detox), and then from there he went on to live in a sober house. He's been living in the sober house for 5 months now. It's a 6 month program, so he's coming home in a few weeks.
I was terrified of living without him. I was so scared where our relationship was going to go if he went away for a while. And since he's been away, I still do have my days where I miss him and want him to come home but I just keep reminding myself what it was like when he was home and actively using. I was consumed by it. I spent my days worrying about where he was, what he was doing, who he was with, if he was okay. I spend my nights sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring. And when it did, my heart would stop because I thought it would either be the call telling me he has overdosed, or the call from jail. That's no way to live.
I have accepted that my boyfriend needs to be away for a while in order to get better. Because if he doesn't go away for a while and work on himself, we'll never have a future together.

Best of luck to you.

tjp613

Read, re-read, memorize, and keep with you incitingsilence's post above (and the others as well). There is incredible wisdom and truth contained there.

Just something to ponder: It is said that addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. You were ready to leave for your own sake and now, directly due to his addiction, you have been sucked back in.... it's like you are now being held hostage. See? Would you define this as a healthy relationship?

I know this is a very confusing time. Nothing has to be decided today. We're here. (((Hugs)))

BeavsDad

His mom is right about letting him go.
She was wrong about blaming you for the OD.
She shouldn't be trying to control you, but she recognizes you now as his major enabler, which is probably very frustrating since it probably took her a while to reach the "let go and let god" point.

Keep reading the stickies and past threads.

Your situation/addict is far from unique.

Good luck.

kmangel

Take these words to heart. For your boyfriend to get better he also must go away for a while to work on his issues--the longer the better.

Rehab is at least 30 days long. The first 30 days are mostly about getting the drugs out of the body. Though very painful, it does end relatively quickly. The worst part is the first two or three weeks and then it gets better physically. Then comes the hard part--the part that lasts a lifetime--changing the way the addict thinks and lives his/her life. Everything must change for the addict to change. Many addicts leave rehab after the physical effects have ceased to be a problem but they haven't dealt with the mental part of their addiction--so they relapse.

Encourage your boyfriend to stay and work on recovery as long as possible. That will be his greatest chance of putting addiction behind him--time. If he jumps right back into his old lifestyle he doesn't stand any chance at all of beating it. Pay more attention to what he does than what he says, too. He'll promise the world to you, that he can do it with you at home, no meetings, no rehab, but then not follow through. Words are meaningless at this point in time. It's not that he doesn't believe what he is promising--he just can't make it happen without a lot of professional help. Addiction is one of the most difficult things to conquer. It is not something your boyfriend can do on his own.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......there is a lot of collective wisdom on this forum if you choose to "hear" it.

I see some contradictions in your initial post. You state that bf's mom has been attending NA for families (Nar-Anon). At one point you mention that his parents blame you and later in your post his mother is telling you that you have to kick him out if he won't go to rehab. Those two attitudes are very contradictory. I can see how you would be confused. She does not sound like someone who is well grounded in her own recovery.

(Note here.....those of us who attend Nar-Anon--which I would highly recommend to you--refer to ourselves as being "in recovery" just like the addicts who attend NA.)

You have lots of choices and your life's fabric will be weaved as a result of those choices. You have a great deal of input regarding how that fabric turns out in your own life and whose threads you choose to weave in with your own. Think carefully. Study. Learn.

Loving an addict is tough. The more you arm yourself with knowledge, the better you will be able to cope and make appropriate decisions for yourself. Please know that love cannot cure addiction.......if that was possible this forum wouldn't exist.

Suggested reading:

CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie
Sharing Experience Strength & Hope (Nar-Anon daily reader)
How Al-Anon Works (Al-Anon literature and one of my personal favorites--the first few pages describes what it's like to live with an alcoholic but there are tremendous similarities with living with addiction. It describes the chaos that occurs in the loved one's head to a tee.)

And stick around here.........take what you need and store the rest in a corner of your mind for later. You may not find it useful today but it may come in very handy in the days to come.

gentle hugs
ke

J109

wow I needed to read this.