TheOneAndOnly

A few months ago my brother broke into my house and stole from me, not once but twice. I did call the police each time but my father mediated all of the stuff back from the pawn shops to save my brother. A few weeks went by and I received a call from a detective giving me my options in the case. I could press charges or I can just get the list of stuff and get it back myself. I struggled with this decision because on 1 hand I knew what he did was wrong and completely crossed my boundaries but on the other the felonies kept adding up and it scared me that I'd but him in jail for what seemed like life (it's not but it was a lot).

My father was telling me not to press charges because I should just move on with my life and not get involved. It sounded good but after talking to my therapist I realized I would just teach him the same lesson my parents did, stealing from people is ok because dad will always save him. So, I called the detective back and decided to press charges, let the universe decide.

10min after I hung up with the detective, I received another call from a detective. Apparently my neighbor called the cops about a suspicious vehicle in front of my house..it was my brother actively breaking in. The universe basically created a safety net to arrest him in case I chickened out. He was arrested and charged with burglary.

Now it is time for his court dates and my parents are pressuring me to talk to the prosecutor for a sentence recommendation. Honestly I hadn't thought much about it I figured what will be will be. This basically turned into a huge argument with my parents (raging co dependents) and I'm unsure how I feel about it right now. I assumed at some point someone would ask me what I thought but assumed it would be after trial/deal before sentencing. My parents are pushing for 1.5 yrs plus 6 months rehab (he has the burglary charge plus about 9 drug possessions). I'm thinking this is a bit light but again what do I know. I'm also debating heavier rehab time then jail but is that really going to help him? or my conscience?

Again this is just a recommendation and the judge/prosecutor doesn't have to listen to it at all but how much jail time is too much jail time? and is that time better spent in a rehab?

Any thoughts would be appreciated I'm about clouded after the massive argument with my parents. They are so consumed in their codependency I asked to think about my recommendation for a little while and I told I was acting like a heartless b***h.

BeingStill

Every criminal charge comes with sentencing guidelines. A charge could have a range of 1-5 years, for example. A judge decides the number based on guidelines which include a number of variables, including criminal history. You don't need to worry about coming up with specific numbers, but you can try to influence toward either end of the guidelines.

When I had my RAS arrested for taking our car, I asked for a couple things. One, I asked for bail to be set high so he couldn't have his addict buddies pool money to get him out. I got that for a period of time. When his court appointed attorney asked (at the next court date) for that to be lowered to a personal bond, I asked the judge to only allow him out on personal bond if it was straight into rehab... not the streets. I got that. At sentencing, because of his lack of criminal history, he was only going to get probation. I asked that rehab and IOP be mandated as part of his probation. I got that too.

Your parents can ask for 1.5 years, but if the sentencing guidelines start at 3 years, their request means nothing. You should only speak up if you want to. Typically, people either ask for leniency or lack of leniency... and explain why. You don't need to try to figure out numbers. The judge already has those.

BeingStill

My victim impact statement through the Prosecutor's Office specifically asked for recommendations and the Prosecutor met with us to discuss those. As the victim of the crime it's often empowering to be heard. Maybe it varies state by state, but my husband and I were asked to make sentencing recommendations if we wanted because the crime was committed against us. I was grateful for the opportunity to avoid leniency. My fellow Families Anonymous group member is a judge, and she helped me work through what was best in my situation. Everyone is different. If you want to put in your two cents, do. Just don't feel pressured by your parents. As the victim, you have the right to do what feels best for you.

crazybabie

I agree with all the above but wanted to add something in your post you said


knew what he did was wrong and completely crossed my boundaries but on the other the felonies kept adding up and it scared me that I'd but him in jail for what seemed like life (it's not but it was a lot).


If you meant by that you put him in jail no you didn't he put himself there when he broke the law. I have pressed charges against my own son if I broke in your home wouldn't you press charges on me?

BeingStill

Ditto what Crazybabie said. I pressed charges against my own son. Every now and then if it pops up in my mind that "I" put him in jail, I quickly remind myself that HE reaped that consequence himself. No one else would have spared him those consequences and let him get away with stealing a car. It was an opportunity to truly take a stand for myself and my boundaries.

Thlayli

Do you know if there are adult drug courts in your area? That gives him the best of both worlds so to speak. They often start out with home confinement and gradually get less restrictive as the client progresses in their treatment and starts to show that they can have more responsibility. Sanctions for violations are swift too.

HeWhoSleeps

I agree with cynical one and crazybaby. YOU aren't doing this to him. HE has DONE this to HIMSELF. I'm sorry your parents can't see that but they are laboring under an assumption that the man breaking into your home is still their son. The sad part is (and I mean this with all love and respect) he's just not. If he was this wouldn't be happening. Right?
I agree that you should see what happens and accept what happens, no matter what happens. If there's drugs involved tell the lawyers and police and in court they will MORE THAN LIKELY automatically put something into place like drug counseling or something like that.
I had to send my AB to jail TWICE and to this DAY people we used to know give me DIRTY LOOK and talk smack about me. So what? Putting him in jail was the best thing I could have done for him, and just because they couldn't see that didn't make it untrue. I'm so sorry you don't have the support of your parents. They are enabling their son, and it's just going to be that much harder for him to hit bottom. And if he doesn't, there's no hope of a rebound into sobriety. You're HELPING your brother. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He has PUT himself in JAIL. HE is STEALING. Him being in jail keeps him from breaking into OTHER houses where people have GUNS and will KILL him. Think of it that way because it's true. He can't be shot as an intruder in jail.
You are a good sister.
*hugs*

interrupted

My sister sold a large amount of my stuff while she was watching my house for me. This event was what initially alerted me to her drug problem. My mother somehow blames me for this, which sounds kind of insane, because it *is* insane. Back when this first happened I didn't really even think about pressing charges, the whole event was really confusing for me, now I regret not having done so. She is still an opiate addict, her most recent relapse has been for the last 6 months or so, after having initially gotten clean in a jail community release program.

I know without any doubt or remorse that I will press charges if she ever attempts anything like that ever again. In my case I think that I would elect not to get involved with sentence recommendations. I have no idea what amount of time is the correct amount of time or how the court system works with regard to rehab vs. jail time, etc. (My mother on the other hand is now extremely well versed in all of that mess and can spout out correctional system acronyms like a prison guard.) I want her to face the consequences of her actions, and I don't want to be the one to determine what those consequences are.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I know very much how hard it is and how much it sucks. You are not alone in your situation.

crazybabie

I have to agree with HeWhoSleeps, My son progressed from breaking in my home, storage shed, RV too breaking into other peoples houses the community which was small knew he was breaking in places and many times at the local store I would hear people talking about if "anyone" broke in their home etc.. they had a pistol ready for them.

Your brother is not who he was his drugs run him he could easily be killed help possibly save his life don't send him the message that it is OK too take things that are not his trust me other people will not.

Sometimes especially before we have NOT hit our own bottom we have a hard time viewing it this way.

PaperDolls

You are not putting him in jail. He committed a crime and he is being held accountable. It could be the best thing ever for him.

I'm guessing your an adult? I would remind your parents that and ask that they respect your decision (whatever it is) and you will respect theirs. Then focus on you.

Hugs.

Ilovemysonjj

I had my AS arrested after a huge theft from us while we had taken him back in (May 2011). He went to jail and I was asked what I wanted to do. I of course wanted rehab. The judge gave him 3 years probation with a minimum stay of 365 days in custody, BUT he could spend a minimum of 90 days in jail then the remainder of the 365 in patient rehab. After he graduated the rehab (after 4 months) then he was allowed to go to SLE. The DA and the prosecutor both agreed that the sentencing was fair for the crime committed.

Anaya

Wow. It is good you are here and shared with us. We are here for you.

I can't imagine that you would be called heartless; I would say more like braveheart.

You were violated, you deserve to live in a safe haven, you did not cause the situation.

I know it is hard to go through, and I send prayers for you to stay strong and that you'll be ok. My husband and I pressed charges against our son when he broke into our home; to this day, he still projects it on to us - as though we were the guilty ones - not recognizing and taking responsibility for his actions.

One day at a time.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Anaya, my son as well projects his guilt on us!

Anaya

Ilovemysonjj: I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm getting better at bouncing the ball right back when son serves up the you ruined my life spiel.